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Intimacy, Honesty and Love

https://medium.com/@johneden/intimacy-honesty-and-love-473a7a2f459e

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Intimacy, Honesty and Love
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the nature of intimacy. The more I reflect on the nature of intimacy, the more I think of it as a necessary ingredient to authentic living. And, for reasons I will soon explain, I am also coming around to the view that intimacy is a key precondition for love of all kinds.

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Intimacy

Intimacy
  • Intimacy is the key ingredient of love in a relationship. It requires a person to share his or her inner life, including the joys, quirks and vulnerabilities towards their partner and helping them reciprocate the same.

  • Intimacy is deeply connected to empathy and deep understanding so that the partner is able to share a painful experience.

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Avoidance Of Intimacy

People think they avoid intimacy as they are scared of becoming closer to other people, and in essence, avoiding showing their true selves to others. They are in effect hiding their true nature and personality from others.

People have to masquerade as someone they are not in order to get what they want and build trust among others, which may not be possible if they show their true selves beforehand.

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Open Manipulators

  • Instead of hiding their true intent, Open Manipulators directly demand something which is unconventional or wrong, making their selfishness apparent, and openly disregarding the feelings of the other person, while appearing honest and transparent in the process.
  • Open Manipulators have a fundamental objective which is a selfish need even if it destroys the victim. They speak the truth to the victim but are not honest about their fundamental objective, and the background conditions that only they know. They do not care about the victim’s emotions or well-being and use them simply as a tool to use and discard.
  • When fear, instead of love is used to coerce a victim into doing something they don’t want to do, it is the opposite of intimacy.

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A Truly Intimate Society

  • Victims of open manipulators should be loved and cared for, as they often have deep scars, vulnerabilities and traumas that have essentially made them victims in the first place.
  • Open Manipulators should be stopped from doing their thing, by educating potential victims of how these people operate. They should be shunned from society.
  • The ‘normalcy’ of treating human beings as tools should be called out, and it should be clear that this behaviour is abnormal and sick.
  • Taking a stand against the Open Manipulators of the world will play a great role in creating a warmer, safer world for human beings, especially who are fragile.

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Dealing With Manipulators

Manipulators do most of the manipulation unconsciously, as a survival mechanism.

Manipulation stems as a defense mechanism of an unwillingly twisted mind and these people need professional help. While you don’t have to judge these people, you should always try to keep a safe distance until they begin to truly trust you and drop the act.

The Scorekeeper

Treats life as a contest in which they set the rules and frame the scoreboard in order to always win. He/she keeps tabs on owed favors and call them in when he/she wants to control you.

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Confront Bullies, Safely

Confront Bullies, Safely

Manipulators become bullies when they intimidate or harms others, and pick on people they perceive as weaker. But standing up to bullies often cause them to retreat. 

When conf...

Set Consequences

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence.

Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect.

Know How To Say “No”

Diplomatically but firmly. A well articulated “no” allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. 

Manipulation by passive and covert aggression

Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
  • Passive-aggression is an indirect way to go on the offensive. An example is when someone tries to "get you back" by resisting cooperation and giving you the "...

What a covert aggressive looks like

  • They pretend to be innocent, ignorant, or confused when they did something awful. This tactic is to make you question your judgment.
  • They don't give a straight answer to a straight question, but evade the question or change the subject when cornered.
  • They lie by omission or distortion by deliberately being vague.
  • They may either respond with charm and flattery, of will suddenly be angry.
  • They'll play the victim and make themselves out to be the one in distress.
  • They rationalize by giving a plausible excuse for engaging in inappropriate behavior, or they will downplay their behavior.
  • Covert aggressives don't feel bad, but they know you do. They will send you on a guilt trip so you will lighten your accusations.

How to deal with a covert-aggressive person

  • Let go of the pretense that if you play nice, they will play nice.
  • Know your vulnerabilities and focus on the one thing that really needs to change: yourself. You can only control what you do.
  • Set some boundaries for yourself. Be prepared for the consequences and set a support system.
  • Memorize the list of tactics used by an aggressive person. Then it is easier to recognize the attack.
  • If you're willing to accept an excuse, know that they will fling excuses at you until one stick.
  • Stay calm and polite, and avoid sarcasm, hostility, or threats.
  • Without being rude, be specific about what you expect or want from the other person. Aggressives will only participate if they can get something out of it. If they have to lose, they'll make sure you go down too. Ensure you propose win-win solutions