Healthy Selfishness

Abraham Maslow argued that all needs could be grouped into two main classes: deficiency and growth.

• Deficiency needs are motivated by a lack of satisfaction, such as the lack of food, safety, affection, belonging, or self-esteem. The higher the need, the more we change reality to satisfy the most deficient needs.
• Growth needs have a different sort of wisdom. Instead of being driven by fears and anxieties, it is more accepting and loving. It is asking, "What choices will lead me to greater integration and wholeness?" rather than "How can I defend myself?"

At a young age, when an expression of a need is disregarded as not as important as the needs of the caretaker, a child may get the message that they are not loved while they have this need.

This causes people to behave in a way they think they should feel, not how they really feel. As adults, they are always influenced by others' opinions and driven by their insecurities and fears of facing themselves.

1. Continued appreciations of the same objects, events and circumstances.
2. Acceptance of one’s quirks and desires.
3. Maintaining authenticity and dignity.
4. Maintaining equanimity towards life’s inevitable ups and downs.
5. Having a purpose in life.
6. Pursuing the real, unadulterated truth about people and nature.
7. A genuine desire to help mankind.
8. Having internal peak experiences, opening new dimensions of the mind.
9. Having a conscience.
10. Being a creative spirit while doing any kind of action.

Self-Actualization is an internal struggle that one must take by leaning towards stability and our higher goals while minimizing disruption from distracting thoughts and impulses (disruptive impulsivity).

One also has to look out for oneself to not fall in the dark abyss of negativity and doubt, apart from feeling directionless or meaningless.

• Before the 1950s, there were well-defined expectations for how people should behave. Women were supposed to be nurturing, but not too assertive. Men were supposed to be assertive but not really nurturing.
• Around the 1960s, we rebelled as a society against the norms and preferred humanistic psychology with ideas about human potential and the possibility of living a more authentic life.

The changing nature of our expectations of marriage has made more marriages fall short and disappoint us. But the fulfillment of a new set of goals is now within reach.

We can have a beautiful set of experiences with our spouse. We can have a particularly satisfying marriage, but we can’t do it if we’re not spending the time and the emotional energy to understand each other and help promote each other’s personal growth.

Self-esteem is the subjective evaluation of your own worth. There are two sources to fulfill this need:

1. The need for respect from others that is obtained from recognition and admiration.
2. The need for self-respect in the form of self-love, skill or aptitude. If you buy things because you want to prove yourself, you will fulfill your need for self-love.

Self-actualization is the realization of one's uniquely creative, intellectual, or social potential. It is a very personal experience.

When their need for self-esteem is fulfilled, where they have accepted themselves for the good and the bad, people move on to self-actualization.

Objects fade and become part of the new normal. So you’ll get more happiness spending money on experiences like going to art exhibits, doing outdoor activities, learning a new skill, or traveling. 

Experiences really are part of ourselves. We are the sum total of our experiences.

They connect us more than shared consumption.

Even if someone wasn’t with you when you had a particular experience, you’re much more likely to bond over both having hiked the Appalachian Trail or seeing the same show than you are over both owning Fitbits.

Our personalities have two distinct triads: The Light Triad and The Dark Triad. The dark ones sometimes overlap with the light ones to form a complete personality.

The Dark Triad, which is associated with the Seven Deadly Sins (Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride and Envy) seems to be very fascinating, with many researchers drawn towards it just like viewers are drawn to serial-killer shows and murder mysteries.

There are certain personality traits in literature that fall under the Dark Triad:

• Machiavellianism: A tendency to strategically exploit or deceive other people.
• Subclinical Narcissism: It means focusing towards the self, giving oneself entitlement and importance.
• Subclinical Psychopathy: A tendency to be insensitive and cruel with regards to others.

While the evidence on the economic and happiness benefits is mixed, attending college depends on the particulars of each person.

A child's gifts, circumstances, and career ambitions all affect whether college is the right choice. But, the parents are often more excited that their child will get into college while the child does not want to be there in the first place. While college is the right choice for many, it is good to remember that there is not just one path to success.

The best ones in my view are the ones that meet 3 fundamental conditions:

1. They take you out of your comfort zone without putting you in serious danger
2. They provide you an intense, accelerated learning experience
3. They help you develop skills and attitudes that are highly valuable to you in life.

This stimulates your social skills to grow. 

You learn how to talk with all sorts of people and to keep conversations flowing. You  also get better at cues, and you become more skilled at navigating complex social situations.

The pandemic has illustrated the deep interconnections among people, how profoundly interdependent we are, and how we need one another.
But our languages lag. The pleasantries we usually use are not well equipped to account for our tragedies.

Pleasantries are optimistic things; they insist on seeing the bright side of any situation.
A pandemic, however, is not a moment of “I’m fine, thanks.” It is not a moment for the superficially polite. It is a moment to be caring, by discarding some of the traditional politeness. Find linguistic hacks, to emphasize that you don’t want to know how someone is doing in a typical way, but instead in a way that is tailored to this dreadful moment: How are you … considering? How are you doing … with all this?

• It ignores the market. Unless you have a trust fund waiting for you, you’ll have to feed yourself and others. 
• It will turn a passion into a job. 

1. Identify real needs in the market that are currently not being well met. 
2. Assess your strengths: Whatever is easy for you that most others have a harder time with, that’s a worthy option.
3. Match up these two in a constantly iterative process: This process takes many years if not decades.