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There Is No One Way to Live a Good Life
Healthy Selfishness
It happens when one is indulging in self-care without any damage to others. It leads to growth, meaning, and purpose in life, including positive social relationships.
Pathological altruism, on the other hand, is trying to give or help others in ways that may cause harm to yourself or others.
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The 2 Models of Human Development
- The 'Surrender Yourself' model dials up your levels of happiness as you progress from your basic needs (like food and good health) towards your achievements like recognized success, or creative expression. The pinnacle of this human development model is complete surrender.
- The 'Fully Human' model is a more subjective way of helping you find your own path. When our most important needs like food, shelter, safety, and stability are met, followed by our need to love, belong and connect with others, we then pursue mastery.
Self-Actualization
It implies acknowledging and respecting the sacredness and uniqueness of each kind of person. Self-Actualization also necessitates full access to information, full knowledge of the truth, and being able to choose without fear or social pressure.
The one thing left out of this theory is social psychology, as all the needs of a human being cannot be understood in isolation and social conditions are also necessary for personal growth.
Self-Transcendence
It involves advancing a cause greater and beyond the self, experiencing a drastic shift in perspective, beyond the confines of the self through the highest level of experience.
Self-transcenders have a completely selfless value system and are leaning towards serving humanity, with an eventual goal of transcending their ego.
Healthy Selfishness
It happens when one is indulging in self-care without any damage to others. It leads to growth, meaning, and purpose in life, including positive social relationships.
Pathological altruism, on the other hand, is trying to give or help others in ways that may cause harm to yourself or others.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships have the extraordinary potential to expand our selves.
They create a 'role engulfment' where one's identity is based entirely on one specific role of being a good lover/partner. It is conducive to one's growth and health and eventually applies to the self, and one starts to help others selflessly.
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Key Ideas
Expectations of marriage
People are increasingly seeking self-actualization within their marriages. On top of the age-old love and cherish, the hope is that our spouse will help us grow to become a better version of our...
The cultural shift
- Before the 1950s, there were well-defined expectations for how people should behave. Women were supposed to be nurturing, but not too assertive. Men were supposed to be assertive but not really nurturing.
- Around the 1960s, we rebelled as a society against the norms and preferred humanistic psychology with ideas about human potential and the possibility of living a more authentic life.
Fulfillment of goals
The changing nature of our expectations of marriage has made more marriages fall short and disappoint us. But the fulfillment of a new set of goals is now within reach.
We can have a beautiful set of experiences with our spouse. We can have a particularly satisfying marriage, but we can’t do it if we’re not spending the time and the emotional energy to understand each other and help promote each other’s personal growth.
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"How are you?"
One of the small consequences of the pandemic is that it is turning “How are you?” into a question again.
In ordinary times, people don’t ask “How are you?” because they want a rea...
Unsuitable language
The pandemic has illustrated the deep interconnections among people, how profoundly interdependent we are, and how we need one another.
But our languages lag. The pleasantries we usually use are not well equipped to account for our tragedies.
The bias towards optimism
Pleasantries are optimistic things; they insist on seeing the bright side of any situation.
A pandemic, however, is not a moment of “I’m fine, thanks.” It is not a moment for the superficially polite. It is a moment to be caring, by discarding some of the traditional politeness. Find linguistic hacks, to emphasize that you don’t want to know how someone is doing in a typical way, but instead in a way that is tailored to this dreadful moment: How are you … considering? How are you doing … with all this?
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Adaptation and happiness
Adaptation is the enemy of happiness.
We buy things to make us happy. And they do, but only for a while. New things are exciting to us at first, but then we adapt to them.
Experiences vs. Objects
Objects fade and become part of the new normal. So you’ll get more happiness spending money on experiences like going to art exhibits, doing outdoor activities, learning a new skill, or traveling.
Experiences really are part of ourselves. We are the sum total of our experiences.
Shared experiences
They connect us more than shared consumption.
Even if someone wasn’t with you when you had a particular experience, you’re much more likely to bond over both having hiked the Appalachian Trail or seeing the same show than you are over both owning Fitbits.