Attachment Theory - Deepstash
Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory

  • Secure attachment is caused by healthy emotional communication.
  • Lovers who are anxious and insecure tend to have low self-esteem.
  • Avoidance of attachment is done by lovers who are emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient.

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MORE IDEAS FROM Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.

Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.

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  • One of the popular ways to move on in a relationship is to not contact the person for 30,60 or 90 days, even forever, to help mend a broken heart.
  • Social media posts of the ex are to be avoided.
  • Time heals everything, and it would also help to get busy doing something interesting, instead of constantly sulking and overthinking at home.
  • One experiences an emotional roller coaster of pain and anxiety, and then there is recovery.

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Post-relationship relations are a thing, with the ex doing all kinds of things like ghosting, orbiting, benching and zombieing their past lovers. Social media makes breakups visible, so any broken relation has the necessary audience to play out the post-breakup games.

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They play an important part in moving towards forgiveness. A bad present relationship (or lack of it) makes the lover remember the good times with the ‘known devil’, with feelings of loss and grief surfacing. Lovers who are now single have stronger desires to get back to their ex, as they fear they would remain single otherwise.

Past relationships, now easily found on Facebook, are generally viewed in a rosier light than they were when they were an ongoing relationship.

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The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.

Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.

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They take the breakup game seriously, and are vulnerable to anxiety, depression and even suicide, due to a lack of understanding of life and the public nature of their relationships.

The smartphones and tablets that seem to be surgically attached to them right from birth are a cause of their getting into relations, breaking up from it, and also for post-breakup therapy and coaching.

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Rekindling Of An Old Flame

Breakups and subsequent renewals are quite common across all types of romantic relationships and even marriages.

Falling apart and then seeking to mend the old relationship seems to be deeply rooted in our psychology.

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Research On Our Partner Preferences

Our own partner preferences may not be fully understood by us.

  • An organic study on peoples dating and partner choice indicated that one’s preferences, ideals and priorities towards their partners are a poor predictor of their eventual long-term partner.
  • Another study that used surveys and statistical modelling to find connections in the personalities, romantic attractions and the quality of relationship found out that the preferences of the partners correlated with their own, as most people looked for similarities. The data set that computed the final long term choice found that partners with similar traits and personality dimensions do not ‘flock’ together for long.

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Falling in love

To us, being loved in a relationship is perhaps the highest ideal. It gives our lives meaning and purpose. Being loved validates our sense of self-esteem and soothes our fears of loneliness.

Our brains are also wired to fall in love. Dopamine provides a natural high and ecstatic feeling that can be as addictive as cocaine. 

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Attachment theory is an area of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between people, starting with your parents. The quality of how well you were cared for will then influence the nature of your relationships later in life.

There are four attachment strategies: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant.

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