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Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

Attachment Theory

  • Secure attachment is caused by healthy emotional communication.
  • Lovers who are anxious and insecure tend to have low self-esteem.
  • Avoidance of attachment is done by lovers who are emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient.

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Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200608-why-is-it-so-hard-to-forgive-an-ex

bbc.com

8

Key Ideas

Rekindling Of An Old Flame

Breakups and subsequent renewals are quite common across all types of romantic relationships and even marriages.

Falling apart and then seeking to mend the old relationship seems to be deeply rooted in our psychology.

The Protest Phase

When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.

Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.

Chemical Reactions

The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.

Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.

Attachment Theory

  • Secure attachment is caused by healthy emotional communication.
  • Lovers who are anxious and insecure tend to have low self-esteem.
  • Avoidance of attachment is done by lovers who are emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient.

Nostalgia And Loneliness

They play an important part in moving towards forgiveness. A bad present relationship (or lack of it) makes the lover remember the good times with the ‘known devil’, with feelings of loss and grief surfacing. Lovers who are now single have stronger desires to get back to their ex, as they fear they would remain single otherwise.

Past relationships, now easily found on Facebook, are generally viewed in a rosier light than they were when they were an ongoing relationship.

Life After Breakup

Post-relationship relations are a thing, with the ex doing all kinds of things like ghosting, orbiting, benching and zombieing their past lovers. Social media makes breakups visible, so any broken relation has the necessary audience to play out the post-breakup games.

Millennials the Gen Zs

They take the breakup game seriously, and are vulnerable to anxiety, depression and even suicide, due to a lack of understanding of life and the public nature of their relationships.

The smartphones and tablets that seem to be surgically attached to them right from birth are a cause of their getting into relations, breaking up from it, and also for post-breakup therapy and coaching.

The No-Contact Rule

  • One of the popular ways to move on in a relationship is to not contact the person for 30,60 or 90 days, even forever, to help mend a broken heart.
  • Social media posts of the ex are to be avoided.
  • Time heals everything, and it would also help to get busy doing something interesting, instead of constantly sulking and overthinking at home.
  • One experiences an emotional roller coaster of pain and anxiety, and then there is recovery.

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Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is an area of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between people, starting with your parents. The quality of how well you were cared for will then influen...

Secure Attachment Style
  • People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection. 
  • They are comfortable being alone and independent.
  • They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
  • They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.

50% of the population is secure attachment types.

Anxious Attachment Style
  • They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
  • They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
  • They have trouble being alone or single.
  • They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
  • They have trouble trusting people.
  • Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.

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Healing from a breakup

  • Visual reminders are likely to create dopamine surges in your brain that relate to feelings of craving and withdrawal.
  • Replace those surges of dopamine by taking a fitness class. Exercise can also release endorphins that trigger positive feelings.
  • Find a "new normal".
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