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Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?
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Rekindling Of An Old Flame
Breakups and subsequent renewals are quite common across all types of romantic relationships and even marriages.
Falling apart and then seeking to mend the old relationship seems to be deeply rooted in our psychology.
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The Protest Phase
When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.
Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.
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Chemical Reactions
The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.
Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.
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Attachment Theory
- Secure attachment is caused by healthy emotional communication.
- Lovers who are anxious and insecure tend to have low self-esteem.
- Avoidance of attachment is done by lovers who are emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient.
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Nostalgia And Loneliness
They play an important part in moving towards forgiveness. A bad present relationship (or lack of it) makes the lover remember the good times with the ‘known devil’, with feelings of loss and grief surfacing. Lovers who are now single have stronger desires to get back to their ex, as they fear they would remain single otherwise.
Past relationships, now easily found on Facebook, are generally viewed in a rosier light than they were when they were an ongoing relationship.
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Life After Breakup
Post-relationship relations are a thing, with the ex doing all kinds of things like ghosting, orbiting, benching and zombieing their past lovers. Social media makes breakups visible, so any broken relation has the necessary audience to play out the post-breakup games.
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Millennials the Gen Zs
They take the breakup game seriously, and are vulnerable to anxiety, depression and even suicide, due to a lack of understanding of life and the public nature of their relationships.
The smartphones and tablets that seem to be surgically attached to them right from birth are a cause of their getting into relations, breaking up from it, and also for post-breakup therapy and coaching.
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The No-Contact Rule
- One of the popular ways to move on in a relationship is to not contact the person for 30,60 or 90 days, even forever, to help mend a broken heart.
- Social media posts of the ex are to be avoided.
- Time heals everything, and it would also help to get busy doing something interesting, instead of constantly sulking and overthinking at home.
- One experiences an emotional roller coaster of pain and anxiety, and then there is recovery.
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Research On Our Partner Preferences
Our own partner preferences may not be fully understood by us.
- An organic study on peoples dating and partner choice indicated that one’s preferences, ideals and priorities t...
Real Life Vs Dream Life
People may not be communicating well about what they want in their partners or may have a lack of awareness, or even a myopic view of their life. Experiencing it for themselves is a better bet to find out what works.
The dreamy idols that make up our early stages of attractions, especially at a young age, do not translate into someone one can spend the entire life with, where mundane activities like picking up groceries and taking care of the kids take precedence over being handsome or inspiring.
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Key Ideas
Falling in love
To us, being loved in a relationship is perhaps the highest ideal. It gives our lives meaning and purpose. Being loved validates our sense of self-esteem and soothes our fears of loneliness.
Whom We Find Attractive
Our self-esteem, mental and emotional health, positive and negative life experiences, and family relations all influence whom we’re attracted to.
The Ideal Stage of Romance
There is an amount of healthy idealization that helps us fall in love.
However, if we’re depressed or have low self-esteem, we’re more likely to idealize a prospective partner and overlook signs of trouble, such as unreliability or addiction, or accept disrespectful or abusive behavior. A lack of a support system or loneliness might also blind us to potential faults.
It is far better to first deal with these concerns before entering into a relationship.
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Key Ideas
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is an area of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between people, starting with your parents. The quality of how well you were cared for will then influen...
Secure Attachment Style
- People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection.
- They are comfortable being alone and independent.
- They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
- They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.
50% of the population is secure attachment types.
Anxious Attachment Style
- They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
- They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
- They have trouble being alone or single.
- They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
- They have trouble trusting people.
- Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.