Breakups and subsequent renewals are quite common across all types of romantic relationships and even marriages. 
Falling apart and then seeking to mend the old relationship seems to be deeply rooted in our psychology.

Rekindling Of An Old Flame

Love & Relationships

When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.
Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.

The Protest Phase

The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.
Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.

Chemical Reactions

<ul>
<li>Secure attachment is caused by healthy emotional communication.</li>
<li>Lovers who are anxious and insecure tend to have low self-esteem.</li>
<li>Avoidance of attachment is done by lovers who are emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient.</li>
</ul>

Attachment Theory

They play an important part in moving towards forgiveness. A bad present relationship (or lack of it) makes the lover remember the good times with the ‘known devil’, with feelings of loss and grief surfacing. Lovers who are now single have stronger desires to get back to their ex, as they fear they would remain single otherwise.
Past relationships, now easily found on Facebook, are generally viewed in a rosier light than they were when they were an ongoing relationship.

Nostalgia And Loneliness

Post-relationship relations are a thing, with the ex doing all kinds of things like ghosting, orbiting, benching and zombieing their past lovers. Social media makes breakups visible, so any broken relation has the necessary audience to play out the post-breakup games.

Life After Breakup

They take the breakup game seriously, and are vulnerable to anxiety, depression and even suicide, due to a lack of understanding of life and the public nature of their relationships.
The smartphones and tablets that seem to be surgically attached to them right from birth are a cause of their getting into relations, breaking up from it, and also for post-breakup therapy and coaching.

Millennials the Gen Zs

<ul>
<li>One of the popular ways to move on in a relationship is to not contact the person for 30,60 or 90 days, even forever, to help mend a broken heart.</li>
<li>Social media posts of the ex are to be avoided. </li>
<li>Time heals everything, and it would also help to get busy doing something interesting, instead of constantly sulking and overthinking at home.</li>
<li>One experiences an emotional roller coaster of pain and anxiety, and then there is recovery.</li>
</ul>

The No-Contact Rule

<div><a rel="">By Chermaine Lee</a></div><div> 9th June 2020 </div><div dir="ltr"> Break-ups are never easy, but why do some people fight to win an ex back while others run a mile? The temptation to rekindle an old flame is deeply rooted in our psychology. </div>Article continues below<div>T</div>Tears streamed down her face, as Yannes told George their relationship was no longer working out. Along the promenade, the 28-year-old from Hong Kong heaved a sigh of relief and slowly walked back home, with her heart broken.It was the third time the two had broken up in just the course of two months. This time, Yannes said there was no way back.“I missed him a lot and I constantly replayed our happy memories in my mind,” says Yannes of each of their previous break-ups. The nostalgia for their happier times soon got the better of her “so I went back again and again. But our mindsets are too different to begin with and that hasn’t changed. I’ve deleted his presence on all my social media, and I just know that this is the last time we will be together.”When the break-up first happens, people tend to go through what Helen Fisher, a neurologist at the Kinsey Institute, calls a “protest” phase, during which the rejected party becomes obsessed with winning back the person who calls it quits.<img title="Younger people might be more prone to on-again/ off-again relationships (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" srcset="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/189x106/p08gfrng.jpg 189w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/304x171/p08gfrng.jpg 304w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/624x351/p08gfrng.jpg 624w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfrng.jpg 976w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1280x720/p08gfrng.jpg 1280w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1600x900/p08gfrng.jpg 1600w" src="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfrng.jpg" alt="Younger people might be more prone to on-again/ off-again relationships (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" width="687" height="386">Younger people might be more prone to on-again/ off-again relationships (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)Fisher and a group of scientists put 15 people who were recently rejected by a romantic partner through a <a href="https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/jn.00784.2009" dir="ltr">brain scan</a>, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). When they were told to look at the image of their former beloved, the areas in their brain associated with gains and losses, craving and emotion regulation were activated, as well as brain regions for romantic love and attachment.<BLOCKQUOTE><h2>After rejection, you don’t stop loving that person; in fact, you can love that person even more – Helen Fisher</h2></BLOCKQUOTE>“After rejection, you don’t stop loving that person; in fact, you can love that person even more. The major brain region associated with addiction is active,” Fisher says.At this moment, the rejected lovers experience elevated levels of dopamine and the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which is <a href="http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/03dumped.pdf" dir="ltr">linked to raised stress levels and the urge to call for help</a>, according to Fisher. She calls this “frustration attraction”. This is thought to be why, in a moment of high emotions, some spurned people resort to dramatic gestures to get back together with the object of their desire.Active in both the rejected men and women was the nucleus accumbens, a major brain region associated with addiction. The participants in Fishers study thought about their rejecter “obsessively” and craved emotional union with that partner.“The separation anxiety is like a puppy taken away from its mother and put in the kitchen by itself: it runs around in circles, barks and whines,” Fisher adds. “The couples who break up and get back together multiple times are still chemically addicted to each other, so they are not able to cleanly split until that [addiction] runs out.”As well as the chemical reactions in our brain, people push to renew their once-doomed relationships because of a whole host of behavioural reasons. If a partner has dated someone new after the split this <a href="http://english2010information.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/85049974/on%20again%20off%20again%20dating%20relationships%20what%20keeps%20partners%20coming%20back.pdf%20http://english2010information.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/85049974/on%20again%20off%20again%20dating%20relationships%20what%20keeps%20partners%20coming%20back.pdf" dir="ltr">can speed up the erasure of old feelings, reducing the likelihood of getting back together</a>. While other people experience more synchronised levels of passion after the break-up, increasing their likelihood of forgiveness, and so on.A sense of unresolvedness in the relationship could make it tempting for the partners to try it out again, says Rene Dailey, a professor who researches on-again/off-again relationships at the University of Texas.<img title="Bad break-up behaviours have been around for a long time, but more recently they have been given their own terms, like ghosting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" srcset="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/189x106/p08gfr7j.jpg 189w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/304x171/p08gfr7j.jpg 304w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/624x351/p08gfr7j.jpg 624w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfr7j.jpg 976w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1280x720/p08gfr7j.jpg 1280w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1600x900/p08gfr7j.jpg 1600w" src="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfr7j.jpg" alt="Bad break-up behaviours have been around for a long time, but more recently they have been given their own terms, like ghosting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" width="687" height="386">Bad break-up behaviours have been around for a long time, but more recently they have been given their own terms, like ghosting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)“The couple might experience a lot of conflict [during] the break-up but still feel connected or love for their partner,” says Dailey. “So it could be more about not being able to manage or resolve the conflict. If the break-ups are ambiguous, people might feel like they made positive changes to the relationship and try again.”Dailey also says attachment theory, popular is some areas of psychology and much covered in the media to explain some parts of compatibility in dating, does not explain romantic reconciliation.Attachment theory suggests that caregivers’ behaviour towards children shapes their attachment style in their adult life – they can be secure, anxious or avoidant towards other adults later on. A secure attachment style signifies a healthy emotional communication, while anxiously-attached individuals tend to doubt their self-worth and go to great lengths to restore proximity. A third group, those with avoidant attachment, are perceived as emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient by defensively refusing proximity.According to this theory, partners with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are said to be attracted to each other and find it difficult to break up permanently. But, research appears not to support this.“We found very little differences between on-off and non-cyclical partners in attachment anxiety and avoidance, nor differences in how these attachment orientations are related to relational quality for such partners. Even though attachment theory seems like a good explanation, we haven’t found this to be the case,” says Dailey.Like with Yannes, nostalgia and loneliness do play a role in pursuing forgiveness. “When people do find themselves wanting to get back together with an ex even if they didn’t treat them well, it is usually related to feelings of loneliness, missing the positive things about the relationship, and the sense of loss and grief that comes with a break-up,” says Kristen Mark, a professor specialising in sexual health at the University of Kentucky. She says that nostalgia for past relationships often first emerges when the current relationship quality begins to suffer.<img title="People who fear being single report a stronger desire to get back with an ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" srcset="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/189x106/p08gfrr9.jpg 189w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/304x171/p08gfrr9.jpg 304w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/624x351/p08gfrr9.jpg 624w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfrr9.jpg 976w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1280x720/p08gfrr9.jpg 1280w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1600x900/p08gfrr9.jpg 1600w" src="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gfrr9.jpg" alt="People who fear being single report a stronger desire to get back with an ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" width="687" height="386">People who fear being single report a stronger desire to get back with an ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)Those with <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jopy.12222" dir="ltr">a stronger fear of being single report a greater longing for their ex-partners and a stronger desire to renew the relationship</a>. This might also explain Yannes’s behaviour in the current climate. She says she felt lonely during the coronavirus outbreak, prompting her to reach out to her previous lover and attempt to mend their relationship.The loneliness that locked-down single people are feeling could be exacerbated by social media, as it makes it easier for one to keep their ex-lovers in sight. The desire to avoid loneliness at all costs can drive people back in the arms of their ex-partners, according to Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine.<BLOCKQUOTE><h2>We tend to see past relationships in a rosier light than they necessarily were – Gail Saltz</h2></BLOCKQUOTE>“The invention of Facebook and other social media sites enable people to find old exes and bring them together,” says Saltz. “We tend to see past relationships in a rosier light than they necessarily were and forget that people can change over time as well. Social media makes it harder to have closure and move on – stalking an ex’s posts can be very unhealthy.”With social media making separations stickier, it is perhaps unsurprising that Millennials and Gen Z could be even more susceptible to negative break-up behaviours, according to Berit Brogaard, a professor at the University of Miami who specialises in the philosophy of emotions and authored the book On Romance.“Bad break-up behaviours have been around for as long as romantic love has,” says Brogaard. “But that has become so prevalent that they have been categorised and named – <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/e98e8f01-c01b-445d-8a67-2ed3228b540f" dir="ltr">ghosting, submarining, benching, bread-crumbing, orbiting</a>, zombieing and so on.”Younger <a href="https://www.mindsharepartners.org/mentalhealthatworkreport" dir="ltr">Millennials</a> and <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/gen-z" dir="ltr">Gen Zs</a> are much more vulnerable to anxiety and depression and depend much more strongly on social approval than older Millennials, so the former may well be prone to on-again/ off-again relationships, Brogaard added.If Millennials and Gen Zs are born with laptops and tablets on their hands, they tend to look for dating solutions online. As a result, personal coaching businesses in the US alone were valued at more than <a href="https://blog.marketresearch.com/us-personal-coaching-industry-tops-1-billion-and-growing" dir="ltr">$1bn (£0.8bn)</a> in 2018 and a niche market for the heartbroken has started to emerge. Break-up coaches now promise to help their clients move on or rekindle former romance. Many offer tips and strategies on their blogs, YouTube videos and podcasts which register views in the millions.<img title="Keeping your distance after a break up might be a good thing regardless of whether you want to win them back (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Alamy)" srcset="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/432x624/p08gfnym.jpg 432w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/720x900/p08gfnym.jpg 720w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/885x1280/p08gfnym.jpg 885w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1024x1280/p08gfnym.jpg 1024w" src="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/885x1280/p08gfnym.jpg" alt="Keeping your distance after a break up might be a good thing regardless of whether you want to win them back (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Alamy)" width="592" height="855">Keeping your distance after a break up might be a good thing regardless of whether you want to win them back (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Alamy)Among some popular ones, a “no-contact rule” (ranging from 30 days to 60 days, some even say infinitely), is a common tactic. This time is supposed to be used to work on self-development. Many suggest sending texts to their exes to remind them of the good times they had and show them how they have changed during this period.Neurologist and anthropologist Helen Fisher agrees a “no-contact rule” can be beneficial. She says a period of at least <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK230395/" dir="ltr">90 days is proven to be effective to abstain from addictive substances</a>. But would this work with relationships?“The way to accelerate mending a broken heart is similar to treating addiction – you put away their things, stop looking at their social media and have no contact with them,” Fisher says.Brogaard also says that the rule “does have some basis in science”. The intensity of strong emotions – including anger, betrayal and so on – tends to lessen with time.Lilian, another Hong Konger in her late 20s, was one of the heartbroken internet users who searched for ways to reconcile with her ex boyfriend on the internet a few days after a break-up. She bumped into a dating coach’s videos on social media.Lilian says that the coach offered tips to create distance with the ex-partner and work on re-attraction. “It comforted me after the separation, but it also made me more anxious. The break-up coach suggested waiting for 30 days to contact the ex-boyfriend again, and to dress better the next time we meet to show that I have improved myself, but I couldn’t wait that long,” Lilian said.Although these coaches might come as an instant comfort after a heartbreak, their suggestions might not be scientifically credible. “Break-up coaches tend to lack proper training – self-training or academic – in relevant fields such as neuroscience, psychology, cognitive science, philosophy or social work,” says Brogaard.<img title="One tip that so-called relationship coaches suggest is to try to improve your image the next time you meet your ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" srcset="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/189x106/p08gg0n2.jpg 189w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/304x171/p08gg0n2.jpg 304w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/624x351/p08gg0n2.jpg 624w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gg0n2.jpg 976w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1280x720/p08gg0n2.jpg 1280w, https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/1600x900/p08gg0n2.jpg 1600w" src="https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/976x549/p08gg0n2.jpg" alt="One tip that so-called relationship coaches suggest is to try to improve your image the next time you meet your ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)" width="687" height="386">One tip that so-called relationship coaches suggest is to try to improve your image the next time you meet your ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)The psychologist adds that some even plagiarise others who have relevant training, but they are unable to fact-check the information they lift from others.“They can be more expensive than a good therapist, but without any evidence that the advice they offer is sound, you might be wasting your time and money buying their products,” she says. “Their books are sometimes more affordable, but not peer-reviewed and are for the most part practically useless.”<BLOCKQUOTE><h2>They can be more expensive than a good therapist, but you might be wasting your time and money buying their products – Berit Brogaard</h2></BLOCKQUOTE>Experts still have reservations about the industry, which has little to no regulations. Dailey seconded Brogaard’s comment that a lot of break-up coaches “do not have the qualifications to give advice,” while Saltz says that it’s not a 'regulated area'.“Pretty much anyone can call themselves a coach. So I’d be very cautious on that front. What amount, intensity and level of formalised training has this person really had? A several day or multi weekend course does not a therapist make. Who trained them, what type of training?” Saltz says.Brogaard advises the heartbroken to read literature on break-ups and relationships from legitimate sources, including academic review papers on Google Scholar, instead of spending money on break-up coaching. But she warns against spending a lot of time and energy to win someone back.“If you have to go out of your way to get back with your ex, are they really worth it?”They said there are no “tricks” to reconciliation but to talk about what went wrong in the failed relationship with honesty.For those who cannot reconcile with their former romance, the silver linings are that after the “protest” stage, their brain can go into a stage of “resignation/despair”, then finally acceptance, indifference and growth, Fisher says.“You experience extreme pain and anxiety, but finally there’s recovery,” concludes Fisher. “You never forget the person who dumps you, but you move on and love someone new.”--Join one million Future fans by liking us on&nbsp;<a href="https://www.facebook.com/BBCFuture/" dir="ltr">Facebook</a>, or follow us on&nbsp;<a href="https://twitter.com/BBC_Future" dir="ltr">Twitter</a>&nbsp;or&nbsp;<a href="https://www.instagram.com/bbcfuture_official/" dir="ltr">Instagram</a>.If you liked this story,&nbsp;<a href="http://pages.emails.bbc.com/subscribe/?ocid=fut.bbc.email.we.email-signup" dir="ltr">sign up for the weekly bbc.com features newsletter</a>, called “The Essential List”. A handpicked selection of stories from BBC Future, Culture, Worklife, and Travel, delivered to your inbox every Friday.

Break-ups are never easy, but why do some people fight to win an ex back while others run a mile? The temptation to rekindle an old flame is deeply rooted in our psychology.

Love & Family

Article continues below Tears streamed down her face, as Yannes told George their relationship was no longer working out. Along the promenade, the 28-year-old from Hong Kong heaved a sigh of relief and slowly walked back home, with her heart broken. It was the third time the two had broken up in just the course of two months. This time, Yannes said there was no way back. “I missed him a lot and I constantly replayed our happy memories in my mind,” says Yannes of each of their previous break-ups. The nostalgia for their happier times soon got the better of her “so I went back again and again. But our mindsets are too different to begin with and that hasn’t changed. I’ve deleted his presence on all my social media, and I just know that this is the last time we will be together.”

When the break-up first happens, people tend to go through what Helen Fisher, a neurologist at the Kinsey Institute, calls a “protest” phase, during which the rejected party becomes obsessed with winning back the person who calls it quits. Younger people might be more prone to on-again/ off-again relationships (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images) Fisher and a group of scientists put 15 people who were recently rejected by a romantic partner through a <a dir="ltr" href="https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/jn.00784.2009">brain scan </a>, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). When they were told to look at the image of their former beloved, the areas in their brain associated with gains and losses, craving and emotion regulation were activated, as well as brain regions for romantic love and attachment.

After rejection, you don’t stop loving that person; in fact, you can love that person even more – Helen Fisher

“After rejection, you don’t stop loving that person; in fact, you can love that person even more. The major brain region associated with addiction is active,” Fisher says. At this moment, the rejected lovers experience elevated levels of dopamine and the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which is <a dir="ltr" href="http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/03dumped.pdf">linked to raised stress levels and the urge to call for help </a>, according to Fisher. She calls this “frustration attraction”. This is thought to be why, in a moment of high emotions, some spurned people resort to dramatic gestures to get back together with the object of their desire.

Active in both the rejected men and women was the nucleus accumbens, a major brain region associated with addiction. The participants in Fishers study thought about their rejecter “obsessively” and craved emotional union with that partner. “The separation anxiety is like a puppy taken away from its mother and put in the kitchen by itself: it runs around in circles, barks and whines,” Fisher adds. “The couples who break up and get back together multiple times are still chemically addicted to each other, so they are not able to cleanly split until that [addiction] runs out.”

As well as the chemical reactions in our brain, people push to renew their once-doomed relationships because of a whole host of behavioural reasons. If a partner has dated someone new after the split this <a dir="ltr" href="http://english2010information.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/85049974/on%20again%20off%20again%20dating%20relationships%20what%20keeps%20partners%20coming%20back.pdf%20http://english2010information.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/85049974/on%20again%20off%20again%20dating%20relationships%20what%20keeps%20partners%20coming%20back.pdf">can speed up the erasure of old feelings, reducing the likelihood of getting back together </a>. While other people experience more synchronised levels of passion after the break-up, increasing their likelihood of forgiveness, and so on.

A sense of unresolvedness in the relationship could make it tempting for the partners to try it out again, says Rene Dailey, a professor who researches on-again/off-again relationships at the University of Texas. Bad break-up behaviours have been around for a long time, but more recently they have been given their own terms, like ghosting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images) “The couple might experience a lot of conflict [during] the break-up but still feel connected or love for their partner,” says Dailey. “So it could be more about not being able to manage or resolve the conflict. If the break-ups are ambiguous, people might feel like they made positive changes to the relationship and try again.”

Dailey also says attachment theory, popular is some areas of psychology and much covered in the media to explain some parts of compatibility in dating, does not explain romantic reconciliation. Attachment theory suggests that caregivers’ behaviour towards children shapes their attachment style in their adult life – they can be secure, anxious or avoidant towards other adults later on. A secure attachment style signifies a healthy emotional communication, while anxiously-attached individuals tend to doubt their self-worth and go to great lengths to restore proximity. A third group, those with avoidant attachment, are perceived as emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient by defensively refusing proximity.

According to this theory, partners with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are said to be attracted to each other and find it difficult to break up permanently. But, research appears not to support this. “We found very little differences between on-off and non-cyclical partners in attachment anxiety and avoidance, nor differences in how these attachment orientations are related to relational quality for such partners. Even though attachment theory seems like a good explanation, we haven’t found this to be the case,” says Dailey.

Like with Yannes, nostalgia and loneliness do play a role in pursuing forgiveness. “When people do find themselves wanting to get back together with an ex even if they didn’t treat them well, it is usually related to feelings of loneliness, missing the positive things about the relationship, and the sense of loss and grief that comes with a break-up,” says Kristen Mark, a professor specialising in sexual health at the University of Kentucky. She says that nostalgia for past relationships often first emerges when the current relationship quality begins to suffer.

People who fear being single report a stronger desire to get back with an ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images) Those with <a dir="ltr" href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jopy.12222">a stronger fear of being single report a greater longing for their ex-partners and a stronger desire to renew the relationship </a>. This might also explain Yannes’s behaviour in the current climate. She says she felt lonely during the coronavirus outbreak, prompting her to reach out to her previous lover and attempt to mend their relationship.

The loneliness that locked-down single people are feeling could be exacerbated by social media, as it makes it easier for one to keep their ex-lovers in sight. The desire to avoid loneliness at all costs can drive people back in the arms of their ex-partners, according to Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine.

We tend to see past relationships in a rosier light than they necessarily were – Gail Saltz

“The invention of Facebook and other social media sites enable people to find old exes and bring them together,” says Saltz. “We tend to see past relationships in a rosier light than they necessarily were and forget that people can change over time as well. Social media makes it harder to have closure and move on – stalking an ex’s posts can be very unhealthy.”

With social media making separations stickier, it is perhaps unsurprising that Millennials and Gen Z could be even more susceptible to negative break-up behaviours, according to Berit Brogaard, a professor at the University of Miami who specialises in the philosophy of emotions and authored the book On Romance.

“Bad break-up behaviours have been around for as long as romantic love has,” says Brogaard. “But that has become so prevalent that they have been categorised and named – <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/e98e8f01-c01b-445d-8a67-2ed3228b540f">ghosting, submarining, benching, bread-crumbing, orbiting </a>, zombieing and so on.” Younger <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.mindsharepartners.org/mentalhealthatworkreport">Millennials </a>and <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/gen-z">Gen Zs </a>are much more vulnerable to anxiety and depression and depend much more strongly on social approval than older Millennials, so the former may well be prone to on-again/ off-again relationships, Brogaard added. If Millennials and Gen Zs are born with laptops and tablets on their hands, they tend to look for dating solutions online. As a result, personal coaching businesses in the US alone were valued at more than <a dir="ltr" href="https://blog.marketresearch.com/us-personal-coaching-industry-tops-1-billion-and-growing">$1bn (£0.8bn) </a>in 2018 and a niche market for the heartbroken has started to emerge. Break-up coaches now promise to help their clients move on or rekindle former romance. Many offer tips and strategies on their blogs, YouTube videos and podcasts which register views in the millions.

Keeping your distance after a break up might be a good thing regardless of whether you want to win them back (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Alamy) Among some popular ones, a “no-contact rule” (ranging from 30 days to 60 days, some even say infinitely), is a common tactic. This time is supposed to be used to work on self-development. Many suggest sending texts to their exes to remind them of the good times they had and show them how they have changed during this period.

Neurologist and anthropologist Helen Fisher agrees a “no-contact rule” can be beneficial. She says a period of at least <a dir="ltr" href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK230395/">90 days is proven to be effective to abstain from addictive substances </a>. But would this work with relationships? “The way to accelerate mending a broken heart is similar to treating addiction – you put away their things, stop looking at their social media and have no contact with them,” Fisher says. Brogaard also says that the rule “does have some basis in science”. The intensity of strong emotions – including anger, betrayal and so on – tends to lessen with time.

Lilian, another Hong Konger in her late 20s, was one of the heartbroken internet users who searched for ways to reconcile with her ex boyfriend on the internet a few days after a break-up. She bumped into a dating coach’s videos on social media. Lilian says that the coach offered tips to create distance with the ex-partner and work on re-attraction. “It comforted me after the separation, but it also made me more anxious. The break-up coach suggested waiting for 30 days to contact the ex-boyfriend again, and to dress better the next time we meet to show that I have improved myself, but I couldn’t wait that long,” Lilian said.

Although these coaches might come as an instant comfort after a heartbreak, their suggestions might not be scientifically credible. “Break-up coaches tend to lack proper training – self-training or academic – in relevant fields such as neuroscience, psychology, cognitive science, philosophy or social work,” says Brogaard.

One tip that so-called relationship coaches suggest is to try to improve your image the next time you meet your ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images) The psychologist adds that some even plagiarise others who have relevant training, but they are unable to fact-check the information they lift from others. “They can be more expensive than a good therapist, but without any evidence that the advice they offer is sound, you might be wasting your time and money buying their products,” she says. “Their books are sometimes more affordable, but not peer-reviewed and are for the most part practically useless.”

They can be more expensive than a good therapist, but you might be wasting your time and money buying their products – Berit Brogaard

Experts still have reservations about the industry, which has little to no regulations. Dailey seconded Brogaard’s comment that a lot of break-up coaches “do not have the qualifications to give advice,” while Saltz says that it’s not a 'regulated area'. “Pretty much anyone can call themselves a coach. So I’d be very cautious on that front. What amount, intensity and level of formalised training has this person really had? A several day or multi weekend course does not a therapist make. Who trained them, what type of training?” Saltz says.

Brogaard advises the heartbroken to read literature on break-ups and relationships from legitimate sources, including academic review papers on Google Scholar, instead of spending money on break-up coaching. But she warns against spending a lot of time and energy to win someone back.

“If you have to go out of your way to get back with your ex, are they really worth it?” They said there are no “tricks” to reconciliation but to talk about what went wrong in the failed relationship with honesty. For those who cannot reconcile with their former romance, the silver linings are that after the “protest” stage, their brain can go into a stage of “resignation/despair”, then finally acceptance, indifference and growth, Fisher says. “You experience extreme pain and anxiety, but finally there’s recovery,” concludes Fisher. “You never forget the person who dumps you, but you move on and love someone new.”

Bite‑sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

Rekindling Of An Old Flame

The Protest Phase

Chemical Reactions

Attachment Theory

Nostalgia And Loneliness

Life After Breakup

Millennials the Gen Zs

The No-Contact Rule

Your Romantic Ideals Don’t Predict Who Your Future Partner Will Be

Attachment Theory

The Psychology of Romantic Love

Bite‑sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

Why is it so hard to forgive an ex?

Rekindling Of An Old Flame

The Protest Phase

Chemical Reactions

Attachment Theory

Nostalgia And Loneliness

Life After Breakup

Millennials the Gen Zs

The No-Contact Rule

Your Romantic Ideals Don’t Predict Who Your Future Partner Will Be

Attachment Theory

The Psychology of Romantic Love

Bite‑sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career