Problems are different type of juices where the key ingredient is the lessons which upon filtering won't lead you to digest the same juice again.

The key takeaway of the quote above is this : when you are confronting a problem they're not just problems but lively lessons of life in disguise. And once you find the true form (lesson) you have the power to throw the external disguise away and forge a sheild to the same kind of problem. "If you extract the main ingredient away you can't drink the same juice (problem) again"

History Repeats, but Lessons Don't!

Well, relax. If you think you've learnt the lesson from a problem and still the same problem repeats itself, then your perception as 'The lesson' should be transformed into 'A lesson' . will you eat plain rice with interest? Nope. Likewise exist problems of life. You know how problems are! Are they boring like plain rice? Damn not they are a blend of splendid tasted which one can experience the true form of the utter disguise

Problems Repeat, Lessons Don

Use this as a framework on how to aspire optimal key ingredients from the juice you're given.<ul><li>Recall the whole issue from the beginning and hit the initial point and learn the cause Even if there is no fault of yours relate yourself with it so that you can extract the key ingredient</li><li>Think of 'If I did and did'nt do this I could've avoided this whole ruckus'. and implement it over the next course </li><li>Shift perspectives and imagine yourself as the person you're going to be giving advice upon. Provide and listen from your own perspective. </li></ul>

Don't Feel By Heart, Squeeze Your Brain

Yes, the lessons can be countless aswell. The number puts entire dependency upon your brain to assess as many as possible. If you don't agree with me, well wait until you witness off applying the principles or read thisYour partner promised you that they'll never leave you; but did. Here are the lessons<ol><li>Not all promises are real cuz you trust them</li><li>You can't absolutely know if they're trustworthy just bcuz you trust them</li><li>Never believe in promise of this kind, may it be a surprise at the end of your life ifbthey never left or feel happy that you were right if they left.</li><li>Change in person is constant!</li></ol>

It Can Be One, It Can Be One O One.

"You can't solve a problem with the mindset you had while you created them "

Life guve

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

philosophy

Philosophy

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

problemsolving

Problem Solving

books

Books

Confront, Create, Crave

Are you held back by social anxiety? Here's how to overcome it:<ul><li>Bust negative thoughts about awkward situations</li><li>Practice small talk with friends/family before branching out</li><li>Join a club/group activity to ease into social interactions</li><li>Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself if things don't go perfectly</li></ul>

Embracing Awkwardness

With patience and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, you can conquer social anxiety and thrive in social situations

Embracing Awkwardness: The Road to Overcoming Social Anxiety Through Desensitization Strategies

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

habits

Habits

mentalhealth

Mental Health

Embracing Awkwardness: Overcoming Social Anxiety

LAW 1 - NEVER OUTSHINE THE MASTERLAW 2 - NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS, LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIESLAW 3 - CONCEAL YOUR INTENTIONSLAW 4 - ALWAYS SAY LESS THAN NECESSARYLAW 5 - SREPUTATION—GUARD IT WITH YOUR LIFELAW 6 - COURT ATTENTION AT ALL COSTLAW 7 - GET OTHERS TO DO THE WORK FOR YOU, BUT ALWAYS TAKE THE CREDITLAW 8 - MAKE OTHER PEOPLE COME TO YOU—USE BAIT IF NECESSARYLAW 9 - WIN THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS, NEVER THROUGH ARGUMENTLAW 10 - INFECTION: AVOID THE UNHAPPY AND UNLUCKYLAW 11 - LEARN TO KEEP PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON YOULAW 12 - USE SELECTIVE HONESTY AND GENEROSITY TO DISARM YOUR VICTIM

Volume 1

NEVER OUTSHINE THE MASTERAlways make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please and impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite﻿—inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more﻿brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power﻿.

LAW 1

NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS, LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIES.Be wary of friends—they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

LAW 2

To have a good enemy, choose a friend: He knows where tostrike.

CONCEAL YOUR INTENTIONSKeep people of-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelop them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

LAW 3

ALWAYS SAY LESS THAN NECESSARYWhen you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more yousay, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

LAW 4

Oysters open completely when the moon is full; and when the crab sees one it throws a piece of stone or seaweed into it and the oyster cannot close again so that it serves the crab for meat. Such is the fate of him who opens his mouth too much and thereby puts himself at the mercy of the listener.

SO MUCH DEPENDS ON REPUTATION — GUARD IT WITH YOUR LIFEReputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputationalone you can intimidate and win; once it slips, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

LAW 5

COURT ATTENTION AT ALL COSTEverything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious than the bland and timid masses.

LAW 6

It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a badreputation.

GET OTHERS TO DO THE WORK FOR YOU, BUT ALWAYS TAKE THE CREDITUse the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered. Never do yourself what others can do for you.

LAW 7

MAKE OTHER PEOPLE COME TO YOU—USE BAIT IF NECESSARYWhen you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains—then attack. You hold the cards.

LAW 8

When I have laid bait for deer,I don’t shoot at the first doe that comes to snif ,but wait until the whole herd has gathered round.

WIN THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS, NEVER THROUGH ARGUMENT Any momentary triumph you think you have gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

LAW 9

INFECTION: AVOID THE UNHAPPY AND UNLUCKY You can die from someone else’s misery—emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

LAW 10

Thus a wise prince will think of ways to keep his citizens of every sort and under every circumstance dependent on the state and on him; and then they will always be trustworthy

LEARN TO KEEP PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON YOUTo maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do withoutyou.

LAW 11

USE SELECTIVE HONESTY AND GENEROSITY TO DISARM YOUR VICTIMOne sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will.

LAW 12

Everything turns gray when I don’t have at least one mark on the horizon. Life then seems empty and depressing. I cannot understand honest men. They lead desperate lives, full of boredom.

LAW 12 - USE SELECTIVE HONESTY ANDGENEROSITY TO DISARM YOUR VICTIMLAW 13 - WHEN ASKING FOR HELP, APPEAL TO PEOPLE’S SELF-INTERESTLAW 14 - POSE AS A FRIEND, WORK AS A SPYLAW 15 - CRUSH YOUR ENEMY TOTALLYLAW 16 - USE ABSENCE TO INCREASE RESPECT AND HONORLAW 17 - KEEP OTHERS IN SUSPENDED TERRORLAW 18 - DO NOT BUILD FORTRESSES TO PROTECT YOURSELFLAW 19 - KNOW WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITHLAW 20 - DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYONELAW 21 - PLAY A SUCKER TO CATCH A SUCKERLAW 22 - USE THE SURRENDER TACTICLAW 23 - CONCENTRATE YOUR FORCESLAW 24 - PLAY THE PERFECT COURTIER

Next Volume

The most important of these skills, and power’s crucial foundation, is the ability to master your emotions.

Amoral, cunning, ruthless, and instructive, this multi-million-copy New York Times bestseller is the definitive manual for anyone interested in gaining, observing, or defending against ultimate control – from the author of The Laws of Human Nature. In the book that People magazine proclaimed “beguiling” and “fascinating,” Robert Greene and Joost Elffers have distilled three thousand years of the history of power into 48 essential laws by drawing from the philosophies of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, and Carl Von Clausewitz and also from the lives of figures ranging from Henry Kissinger to P.T. Barnum.   Some laws teach the need for prudence (“Law 1: Never Outshine the Master”), others teach the value of confidence (“Law 28: Enter Action with Boldness”), and many recommend absolute self-preservation (“Law 15: Crush Your Enemy Totally”). Every law, though, has one thing in common: an interest in total domination. In a bold and arresting two-color package, The 48 Laws of Power is ideal whether your aim is conquest, self-defense, or simply to understand the rules of the game.

education

Learning & Education

Robert Greene is an American author of books on strategy, power, and seduction. He has written six international bestsellers, including The 48 Laws of Power, The Art of Seduction, The 33 Strategies of War, The 50th Law, Mastery, and The Laws of Human Nature.

Robert Greene

The 48 Laws of Power

Despite his negative reputation, Severus Snape from Harry Potter is a hero in his own right because of:• His unwavering love and loyalty towards his childhood friend, Lily.• His constant protection and care for her, and her son even in secret.• The sincerity and depth of his love for her, even after her death.One of Snape's most defining moments is when he reveals his true feelings for Lily, saying, "always." This shows that he will always remember her, even after she gets married to another person and even after her death, making him a truly genuine and complex character.﻿

1. Severus Snape

- A loyal friend who showed great love and sacrifice for his loved ones- His unwavering loyalty and love for friends was admirable. -He was a true well-wisher, even at the cost of his own life.

2. Sirus Black

Dobby was a loyal house-elf who always followed his master's orders, even if they were cruel. - Despite this, he yearned for true love and freedom in his heart. - In the end, he made the ultimate sacrifice for the one he truly cared for. 💔

3.Dobby, The loyal house-elf:

- Hagrid is a loyal and supportive friend.- He is kind and protective towards his loved ones.- Hagrid's passion for animals is truly inspiring.- His whole heart belongs to magical creatures like dragons, unicorns, and hippogriffs.He is often seen in Hogwarts with his half-giant stature, and his love for animals is pure and admirable.Hagrid never keeps secrets, which became an advantage for Harry and his friends and always stands up for what's right. He is a wonderful friend to have by your side.

4.Hagrid:

What We Can Learn from Harry PotterLesson 1: True Friendship -Harry Potter is a true friend who is willing to sacrifice anything for his loved ones. -His friendship with Ron and Hermione teaches us the importance of loyalty and selflessness.Lesson 2: Patience and Emotional Stability-Throughout his journey, Harry faces numerous challenges and setbacks.-However, he remains patient and emotionally stable, which helps him overcome these obstacles.

5.Harry Potter:

List of my most favourite characters in Harry Potter.

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Harry Potter 

Something that science has been confirming to us, and something that people often learn in therapy, is that we have more power to influence our emotions as we thought we have.

Our mood is not only influenced by our thoughts – yes, they might contribute to a low mood but they are not the only influence. Our mood is mainly made up by our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and our behaviour.It is hard to notice them separately but that it is exactly what we can do to deal with low mood: Break down how you feel into what thoughts you have, what emotions you feel, what your senses experience and how you were and are behaving. Then, you can pick one or a few of these things and change them.

Understanding Low Mood

When we experience low mood, it may have been influenced by several factors from our internal and external world, but when we understand what those influences are, we can use that knowledge to shift it in the direction we want it to go.

When dealing with mood, it is essential to remember that it is not all in your head. It’s also in your body state, your relationships, your past and present, your living conditions and lifestyle. It’s in everything you do and don’t do, in your diet and your thoughts, your movements and memories. How you feel is not simply a product of your brain.

We can’t just press a button and produce our desired set of emotions for the day. But we do know that how we feel is closely intertwined with the state of our body, the thoughts we spend time with and our actions. Those other parts of our experience are the ones that we can influence and change.

We often spiral into even more negative mood states because when feeling low, we often lack the energy to perform our favourite activities that delight us. Hence, after a certain period of time, we end up feeling worse. Engaging in activities that give us instant relief, such as scrolling through social media, are just as harmful.Reflect on how you deal with certain emotions and whether or not these coping strategies are actually helpful.

Breaking Low Mood Cycles

Thoughts influence our mood and our mood influences our thoughts, which is why we are even more prone to biased thinking when feeling low:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Mind-reading: Making assumptions about thoughts and feelings of other people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Egocentric thinking: Thinking that everyone shares the same values etc. as you do and judging based on that assumption.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Emotional reasoning: Thinking that because you feel a certain way, it must be true.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Musts/shoulds: Having unrealistic expectations.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in extremes.</li></ul>

Thought Biases

Reflect on past moments that were good or bad. Do you recognise any of these biases?By reflecting on past moments regularly, with times it becomes easier to notice thought biases in the very moment they occur. With that comes the power to recognise that they are not facts but simply biases – they might not be true. You don’t have to find an answer, in fact, there might not even be one, so learn to be okay with not knowing.

Dealing With Thought Biases

“If we can acknowledge that each of our thoughts presents just one possible idea among many, then we open ourselves up to the possibility of considering others.”

It is almost impossible to control what thoughts arrive at your brain, but you can control how much attention you give them. Trying not to think about something is counterproductive. Instead, choose how long you want to stay with each thought.Metacognition (thinking about thinking) helps to create distance between you and your thoughts. With that, you can analyse them and think of where you would rather want them to go.When noticing any thought spirals and rumination, say stop, get up and move around a little. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude help with moving your attention consciously.

Controlling Your Thougths

“The power of any thought is in how much we buy into it. How much we believe it to be true and meaningful.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Be compassionate with yourself and speak to yourself as you would to a friend.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When feeling low, it is hard to make decisions, so don’t try to make the perfect ones and instead try to make “good enough” decisions. Smalls steps help you in the long run and build a habit.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When analysing your emotions and problems, always think about the direction you want to take. Focus on where you want to go and how you might get there. What would you feel, how would you think and behave, what would your physical sensations be?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on mental health basics such as exercise, sleep, diet and social interaction.</li></ul>

How To Deal With Bad Days

There are two types of having no motivation:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Procrastination: Avoiding something because it is associated with stress and discomfort.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anhedonia: No longer enjoying activities you used to enjoy. It is associated with depression.</li></ul>You can increase motivation by:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Physical movement, even if it is just a little.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Remembering your goals and staying connected with them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focusing on small but consistent progress and habits, instead of big goals that are hard to keep up with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learning how to rest and relax.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Changing how you think about failure and treating yourself with compassion.</li></ul>

Motivation

“Once you sustain the habit of prioritizing your healthy behaviours, they will sustain you.”

“Science tells us about the things that work for most people. But the detail you can establish from looking at your own life with curiosity adds significant value.”

“If something matters to you and could benefit your health, don’t wait until you feel like it – do it anyway.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">When an emotion tells you to not do an actions that aligns with your values, do the opposite of what the emotion suggests.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a habit: Make it simple, adjust your environment, make clear plans, reward yourself, know why you want the change.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Break bigger goals down into small steps. Take time to rest and recharge.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Pre-plan what you will do in hard situations that trigger you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Know who you want to be and how you want your life to look like. What decisions would you have made?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Figure out the pros and cons of both the change you want to and of changing nothing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on your past.</li></ul>

Doing Things You Don't Want To Do

"The more we repeat an action the easier it becomes for the brain to do it with less effort in the future.”

“Repeat a behaviour enough times and it will become a habit.”

“The most effective way to solve a problem is to understand the problem inside out.”

“You cannot change what you cannot make sense of.”

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They aren’t facts but simply a possible perspective. Don't push them away, as this will lead to worse problems in the long run. Instead, ask yourself curiously what this emotion is trying to tell you.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Soothe yourself using tools that make you feel safe: You can create a little box with pictures of loved ones, a bag of tea, a book etc. that you can turn to.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Name the emotion specifically: Use a feeling wheel such as then one from Wilcox (1982) to find out what exactly you are feeling. If you don’t find a name, create your own name.</li></ul>

Dealing With Emotion

“You are not your feelings and your feelings are not who you are.”

“If there is something emotions are useful for, it’s telling us what we need.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Show that you care. Listen closely, ask open questions. Don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Help them by cooking a meal etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">They usually have an idea of what they need, ask them how they would like to be supported.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take care of yourself. Have a space where you can express your own thoughts and meet your needs. Set boundaries.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a crisis plan so that you and the person struggling know what to do in a specific situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">If they have a diagnosis, learn more about it. There will be ups and downs in their healing journey. Seek professional help.</li></ul>

How To Support Someone

There are five stages of grief:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Denial: Denying the situation, saying it is just temporary.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anger: Being angry at the person, situation or the unfairness of our world. It is associates with pain or fear, so look at what might be really going on. Perfom physical activities.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Bargaining: Ruminating about “what if" and things you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Depression: Feeling sad and empty. This is part of the process. Don't surpress it. Feel and soothe your way through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Acceptance: Starting to accept the sitaution. You might not agree with it but you open yourself up to new things.</li></ul>

Stages Of Grief (Kubler-Ross, 1969)

William Worden (2011) described four tasks of mourning:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept the new reality after the loss: It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Have no expectation about how you should be feeling or healing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Work through the pain of grief: Don’t push the emotions away and instead try to express them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Adjust to an environment with the loved one missing:  Take small steps and build a life around the loss.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Find a way to stay connected to them while also engaging with life as it is now: It is possible to remember the loved one and continue living at the same time.</li></ol>

The Tasks Of Mourning

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Continue to have a relationship with the person you have lost.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a relationship with yourself. Focus on the feelings and sensations in your body to build awareness. Listen to your needs.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Express the grief in a way that you feel comfortable with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take as much time as you need.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Set boundaries with the people around you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a routine and bring a little structure into your day. Take care of your mind and your body through exercise, diet, sleep etc.</li></ul>

Pillars Of Strength (Samuel, 2017)

Criticism and disapproval often have nothing to do with who you are as a person. People are often critical with others because they are highly critical with themselves. Learning how to deal with criticism healthily can be a crucial skill.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Shift your mindset around failure: Use it as an opportunity to grow and improve.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Let go of criticism that reflect the values of others but that are not aligned with your own. Identify whose opinions matter most.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Understand that people often are more focused on themselves as they are on you. This is called the spotlight effect (Gilovich & Savitsky, 2000)</li></ul>

Dealing With Criticism

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Know what triggers shame in you. You might have linked these things to your self-worth. However, your self-worth is not dependent on you being perfect and never making mistakes.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reality-check the criticism. Understand that these might be just opinions and not facts. Look at your behaviour and evaluate.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk to yourself in a way that lifts you up instead of destroying your self-worth. It is okay and normal to make mistakes You always have a chance to improve and do better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk about the shame itself. Silence intensifies shame while expressing it can minimise feelings of shame.</li></ul>

Dealing With Shame

Saying that you don’t care what anyone thinks is not the way to go, as it displays insecurities rather than understanding that we are wired to care about what other people think. Understand whose opinions you value and whose opinions you care less about.Understand who you are and who you want to be. What are your values, dreams and goals? When knowing these, you will also know which criticism to take and which to let go of.Don’t be your own critic, instead love yourself through the process. Speak to yourself compassionately.

Understanding Yourself

Building confidence requires taking action you are uncomfortable with.We have a comfort, stretch and panic zone (Luckner & Nadler, 1991). In your comfort zone, it is unlikely to develop confidence and leaning into your panic zone is not necessary. Your stretch zone is where you should lean into.Write down a situation you would feel most uncomfortable in. Identify a similar situation that is less scary. Go on until you find a situation that is slightly out of your comfort zone. Start there and build yourself all the way up step by step. Be uncomfortable for a while, then go back to safety.

Building Confidence

“Confident is not the same as being comfortable. One of the biggest misconceptions about becoming self-confident is that it means living fearlessly. The key to building confidence is quite the opposite. It means we are willing to let fear be present as we do the things that matter to us.”

“To build confidence, go where you have none. Repeat every day and watch your confidence develop.”

Confidence is not really built by speaking positive affirmations. When having low self-esteem and speaking affirmations, you might even end up feeling worse (Wood et al., 2009), as you automatically find reasons to why the affirmations aren’t true.How you talk to yourself still matters though. Hence, it is better to talk to yourself in a compassionate way as a coach would talk to an athlete: They are honest with the athlete but still encouraging.

Affirmations Vs. Compassionate Self-Talk

"The way we start to believe something more positive about ourselves is to use action to create evidence for it.”

Yes, you read that correctly. Self-esteem means being able to evaluate yourself in a positive way and believe in those appraisals (Harris, 2010).People often suggest looking at your strengths and tell you that you will be successful. However, “success” is often associated with being a winner, accomplishments and being acknowledged by others. This results in comparison or competitive behaviour and thus, feeling worse and inadequate.High self-esteem isn't linked to performing better or better relationships. Instead, it correlates with arrogance and discrimination (Bauermeister et al., 2003).

You Don't Need To Work On Your Self-Esteem

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice changes in your behaviour as they often indicate how you are feeling.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take a step back from your emotions by giving them a name.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice when you are having the urge to block your feelings. Let them wash over you knowing that they will pass. Soothe yourself through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learn from it. Reflect on what you did well and what you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Return to your values and what matters to you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Try again after working through the experience.</li></ul>

Bouncing Back From Failure

Being compassionate with yourself won’t make you lazy but instead can help you keep going (Neff et al., 2005). Accept your mistakes and flaws and know that you are still worthy.When feeling any negative emotion, let it be shame, sadness, guilt etc., it is always a good idea to feel into the emotion and accept it. Be compassionate with what you are feeling.You can also write a compassionate letter to yourself while imaging you are talking to a loved one that is in the same situation as you are.

Self-Acceptance And Compassion

Anxiety is there to keep you safe. However, your threat alarm immediately goes off without you having time to think things through, which is why it is often irrational. It is supposed to feel uncomfortable and intense. Understand that anxiety is trying to protect you – so you don’t want to turn it off completely. Instead, learn how to cope with it.

The Purpose Of Anxiety

“To fight fear you must be willing to face it. Escape and avoidance only provides short-term relief but feeds anxiety in the long term.”

“If you avoid the thing you fear, you never give yourself the chance to build up evidence in your mind that you can get through it and survive. Just telling your brain that something is safe is not enough. You must experience it. Your brain will need some convincing, so you need to repeat that behaviour over and over. As many times as it takes. The things you do most of the time become your comfort zone. So, if you want to feel less anxious about something, do it as often as you can.”

These are behaviours that help you in the short-term, but make anxiety worse in the long-term:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Escaping the situation when you are in it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoiding the situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Compensatory strategies, for instance washing your hands when having a fear of contamination.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anticipating worst-case scenarios.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Seeking reassurance from a loved one.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Safety behaviours, for instance looking at your phone to try avoiding a conversation.</li></ul>

Safety Behaviours

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Try staying in the situation and soothe yourself through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Try breathing techniques such as box breathing and move around.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Thoughts are not facts, get some distance between you and your thoughts, write them down.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Fact-check, how possible the situation you’re anxious about really is. Shift your spotlight of attention to more important thoughts.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Practice and receive compassion as it is the opposite of anxiety.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reframe the situation, see it as an opportunity.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on your values and who you want to be.</li></ul>

Dealing With Anxiety

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Catastrophizing: Thinking of the worst possible outcome.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Personalising: Making everything about yourself.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Mental filter: Focusing even more on negative things instead of positive ones.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Overgeneralizing: Using one event to make judgements about all other events.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Labelling: Using one information to make global judgments about you as a person.</li></ul>

Thought Biases That Make You Feel Worse

The fear of death underlies all of our fears. We know that it is inevitable and that it could happen any time. Accept that you will die sooner or later.There are three types of acceptance of death (Gesser et al., 1988):<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Approach acceptance: Having beliefs about an afterlife.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Escape acceptance: Seeing death as a relief from suffering.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Neutral acceptance: Seeing death as a neutral and natural part of life.</li></ol>

Fear Of Death

Many people that have been close to death come back stronger and wiser. When accepting death, we can cultivate a more meaningful life because we then know what we want to achieve before dying.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on how you are avoiding death, why you might avoid it and how you can accept it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on how you want to feel in your death bed. How do you want to leave the world behind? What would your daily life look like in order to achieve that?</li></ul>

The Good Side Of Facing Death

“If you were able to write just a few words on your own gravestone, what would you most want it to say?”

When stressed, your sympathetic nervous system activates, preparing your body for fight, flight or freeze responses. It activates your body so that you are more alert and have more resources available to deal with the situation at hand.This is a helpful response in the short-term. However, long periods of stress without any rest are damaging. Your body becomes depleted because of all the energy it gives you, without getting relaxation and time to recharge back.

Your Body Under Stress

… is almost impossible. Society thaught us that stress should be avoided at all costs but often this is not realistic: Most of the time we do not choose to feel stressed - we do not choose to lose a person or to have a car accident. Instead, try to learn how to replenish after stress.Avoiding stress should also not be the goal as it is neither good nor bad. This entirely depends on the amount of stress: Both too little stress and too much stress are not good. A healthy balance is needed for optimal performance.

Eliminating Stress

Here are a few things that can lead to stress:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Control: Feeling incapable of dealing with the situation or not having proper resources for it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reward: Wanting to achieve a financial goal, social recognition etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Community: Lacking social interaction and a sense of belonging.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Fairness: Perceiving inequality.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Values: A mismatch between your values and the demands you are facing.</li></ul>

Causes Of Stress

The mind and the body are interacting and exchanging information constantly.When stressed, you can see the effects in your behaviour as well: Changes in sleep, appetite, more irritability, having problems to switch of and rest, problems with concentration and focus, more prone to addictive behaviours, headaches, stomach problems, sexual problems, muscle pain etc.

Recognizing Stress And Burn-Out

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Try breathing techniques or meditate. There are different kinds of meditation, find one that works for you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Turn towards others, seek out social interaction.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Set goals that are bigger then yourself, it can increase your satisfaction with life (Crocker et al., 2009). Don’t make goals to compete but to contribute.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Incorporate more mindfulness in your day such as showering or walking mindfully.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Embrace the feeling of awe: It is the feeling of wonder and feeling small (in a good way) compared to something bigger, for instance when looking at the night sky with all the stars and the moon.</li></ul>

Making Stress Work For You

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Mindset: Reframe how you perceive stress. See it as something useful that gives you more energy and makes you alert.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Language: Use a language that is helpful such as affirmations. However, affirmations should be realistic and not too over-the-top.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reframing: Look at the situation from a different angle. It is an opportunity to grow rather than a problem. Shift your focus to something bigger and broaden your view.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Failure: Build a different relationship with failure. It is part of the process. Take responsibility and practice self-compassion at the same time.</li></ul>

Coping When Stressed

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t make it part of your identity. You are not a bad person just because you did something wrong. State the specific  behaviour instead of making global attributions about who you are as a person.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">It is normal to experience failure. You are not the only person in the world feeling like that.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Treat yourself with self-compassion. What would you say to a loved one in your situation?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk to someone you trust about the thing you are ashamed of. They will probably show kindness and compassion.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">How would the person you want to be deal with this? What could you do that would make you feel proud?</li></ul>

You don’t have to be happy all the time. It is completely okay and human to have ups and downs. Things that make your life meaningful don’t always bring you joy and satisfaction but also fear or pain and yet they are still worth it.A good place to start is knowing what you value most in life. When having clear values it is easier to distinguish between what to focus on and what to ignore and to keep going when meaningful things get tough. However, know that your values can change over time.

Happiness

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Figure out areas in life you want to focus on, e.g. relationships, work, health, personal growth. You can also identify character traits that are important to you, e.g. honesty, independence, fairness, empathy, self-awareness, bravery.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Identify how satisfied you are with each area or trait by using a scale. How could you improve the ones you rated the lowest?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">For each area or trait, write down a specific goal you could reach. Make goals based on your identity and not on the outcome.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Translate the goal into a small day-to-day behaviour. Repeat it as often as you can so that it becomes a habit.</li></ol>

Knowing Your Values

“The focus is not on what you want to happen for you but on the kind of person you want to be, the contribution you want to make and the attitude you want to face life with, no matter what happens.”

“Linking the intentions to your sense of identity allows the new behaviours to continue way beyond the initial goal.”

We often hold beliefs about what love should look like based on what movies or society told us. These are often not true and keep us from building healthy relationships.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">“Love shouldn’t be hard”: Ups and downs or normal.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Be as one”: It is normal to disagree as you are two different people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Be together always”: It is okay to spend time apart and do things separately.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Happily ever after”: You might drift apart and come back together again.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Relationship success means staying together at all costs”: If the relationship does more harm than good, it is okay to break up.</li></ul>

Relationship Myths

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Anxious Attachment: They need a lot of reassurance, tend to be clingy, have people-pleasing tendencies or avoid conflict. Their partner might feel controlled and their fear of abandonment might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Build a sense of safety independently from your partner.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoidant Attachemt: They have a hard time opening up, avoid intimacy and try to keep their independence at all times. Their partners often mistake this as a lack of love and that they don’t want or need connection (but just like everyone else, they do).</li></ul>

Attachment Styles #1

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Disorganised Attachment: They show a huge variety of behaviours: difficulties in dealing with emotion, fear of abandonment, dissociation etc. Learn to manage both the fear of intimacy and separation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Secure Attachment: They have a healthy balance between closeness and independence.</li></ul>

Attachment Styles #2

“While the anxiously attached person must work on tolerating the vulnerability of self-reliance, the avoidantly attached must build up tolerance of the vulnerability involved in opening up to a close connection.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">It is possible to change your attachment style. Build self-awarness of your patterns. Understand your style and figure out small actions you can do daily. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Having good quality friendships help a lot with feeling satisfied in a relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999), so focus on them too.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Respond to your partner with care, attention and acceptance. Show gratitude even for small things.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learn how to deal with conflict productively.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Understand you own values and those of your partner.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Identify how and who you want to be in a relationship.</li></ul>

Building Better Relationship

“The way to ensure that your everyday actions are led by intention, rather than reactive, is to step back every now and then and reflect on how you want the picture to look.”

“As we can’t force change upon others, the focus is on understanding and identifying what we can do as individuals.”

“Working on the self helps your relationship and working on your relationship helps the self.”

“The best time to seek support for your mental health is any time you become concerned about it.”

Going to therapy is okay and can be helpful for everyone. If you can, give it a try and if you don’t have access to it, try to learn as much as you can about recovery and use the support of loved ones.While reading the book, I have realised that practicing small things such as breathing can add up to a huge change. Dr. Julie Smith is also huge on journaling and self-reflecting.You have probably already heard of most of the things and exercises in the book but have you ever tried them seriously and regularly?

Therapy

Dr. Julie Smith offers tools and knowledge from therapy to deal with emotions and life circumstances effectively, covering a huge variety of topics such as stress, confidence, low mood, anxiety, motivation, relationships etc.

International bestseller "Smart, insightful, and warm. Dr. Julie is both the expert and wise friend we all need." -Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and co-host of the "Dear Therapists" podcast? Drawing on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, online sensation Dr Julie Smith provides the skills you need to navigate common life challenges and take charge of your emotional and mental health in her debut book. Filled with secrets from a therapist's toolkit, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before teaches you how to fortify and maintain your mental health, even in the most trying of times. Dr Julie Smith's expert advice and powerful coping techniques will help you stay resilient, whether you want to manage anxiety, deal with criticism, cope with depression, build self-confidence, find motivation, or learn to forgive yourself. Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before tackles everyday issues and offers practical solutions in bite-sized, easy-to-digest entries which make it easy to quickly find specific information and guidance. Your mental well-being is just as important as your physical well-being. Packed with proven strategies, Dr. Julie's empathetic guide offers a deeper understanding of how your mind works and gives you the insights and help you need to nurture your mental health every day. Wise and practical, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before might just change your life.

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