Learn more about communication with this collection
Cultivating self-awareness and self-reflection
Prioritizing and setting boundaries for self-care
Practicing mindfulness and presence
Money always seems to get uncomfortably personal; there's a power shift in the relationship: The lender becomes more powerful—you see yourself as more responsible. That puts the borrower in a one-down position, which can breed resentment.
You are under no obligation to say yes on the spot when a family member asks for money—no matter how dire their situation is.
Before you get back to the borrower with an answer, you need to consult your partner or spouse if you have one, especially if the amount is substantial given your financial picture.
As with all difficult subjects, open communication is key, particularly if your partner isn't as willing to write a check as you are. If your partner is simply not on board with the loan, the deal is off. Marriage is a financial partnership. The partner who doesn't want to lend likely has veto power.
If you can't afford to help, say no. Your job is to make sure you're on track to achieve your own financial goals.
No one will care more about your money than you.
Focus on your loved one's underlying financial issue and see if you can help address it. Help them find the resources they need or create a budget.
Addressing the underlying issue doesn't just benefit your cash-strapped family member. It also helps you, by ensuring they don't come knocking on your door in six months, looking for more money.
Yes, "gift." There's no other way to look at it, agree McCoy, Castro, and Hendershott: When you lend money to someone—even your closest, most trustworthy sibling—you must assume they will never pay you back and make your peace with that. "It would be nice to think they can and will repay you, and lots of people do," says Castro. "But if you think of the money as a gift, you will be free of any resentment or weird feelings the next time you see them at a family party. It's better for you to continue in your life without holding a grudge."
Just because potential lenders should think of the loan as a gift doesn't mean borrowers should treat it as such. When you ask someone you love and trust to give you their money, it's a sign of respect to present a thought-out repayment schedule.
Have a real conversation about how the loan will get repaid and when. Once you start talking about money, it only takes about five minutes for the conversation to become less awkward, and you can talk about it like the numbers on paper that it really is.
Putting the loan terms in writing can go far to promote peace of mind and reduce resentment.
Lending money to a relative does not give you a free pass to criticize their spending going forward.
Let them be free to do whatever they want with the money, and don't judge them for it. You need to see that person on their own journey and bring compassion, love, and acceptance to the table.
The best way to let go of toxic, judgmental feelings is to remind yourself you gave a gift, not a loan—even if it appears your child is blowing your "gift" on new shoes.
When you ask a family member for a loan, treat it as a loan. Adhere to the payback schedule. And if you can't, start looking at plan C (because borrowing from a family member was already plan B).
Renegotiate the terms with your relative so you can keep your promise to pay. If that's not enough, get a part-time job, sell some physical belongings, ask for a raise. You'll be glad you did, for the sake of your relationship with your family—and your peace of mind.
MORE LIKE THIS
Ready for the next level?
Read Like a Pro
Explore the World’s
Save ideas for later reading, for personalized stashes, or for remembering it later.
# Personal Growth
Take Your Ideas
Just press play and we take care of the words.
No Internet access? No problem. Within the mobile app, all your ideas are available, even when offline.
Ideas for your next work project? Quotes that inspire you? Put them in the right place so you never lose them.
2 Million Stashers
Great interesting short snippets of informative articles. Highly recommended to anyone who loves information and lacks patience.
This app is LOADED with RELEVANT, HELPFUL, AND EDUCATIONAL material. It is creatively intellectual, yet minimal enough to not overstimulate and create a learning block. I am exceptionally impressed with this app!
Best app ever! You heard it right. This app has helped me get back on my quest to get things done while equipping myself with knowledge everyday.
Don’t look further if you love learning new things. A refreshing concept that provides quick ideas for busy thought leaders.
Even five minutes a day will improve your thinking. I've come across new ideas and learnt to improve existing ways to become more motivated, confident and happier.
Brilliant. It feels fresh and encouraging. So many interesting pieces of information that are just enough to absorb and apply. So happy I found this.
Great for quick bits of information and interesting ideas around whatever topics you are interested in. Visually, it looks great as well.
I have only been using it for a few days now, but I have found answers to questions I had never consciously formulated, or to problems I face everyday at work or at home. I wish I had found this earlier, highly recommended!
Read & Learn
Access to 200,000+ ideas
Access to the mobile app
Unlimited idea saving & library
Unlimited listening to ideas
Downloading & offline access
Claim Your Limited Offer
Get Deepstash Pro
Supercharge your mind with one idea per day
Enter your email and spend 1 minute every day to learn something new.
I agree to receive email updates