𝟝 𝕤𝕚𝕘𝕟𝕤 𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗-𝕤𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕥𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕥

In many instances, we self-sabotage because we desire acceptance. We don’t actually want to go out, but we do because our friend needs a wing-woman and she doesn’t want to go alone. We put ourselves forward for extra responsibilities at work because we know that our boss wants us to.

“Our critter brain just wants to keep us safe,” Knowles continues, “so if we’re socially anxious, we’re likely to do something that makes us feel accepted again. ”

So what can these behaviours look like?

Whether it’s constantly staying late to please your manager or always letting yourself be trauma-dumped on, these may seem like positive actions that prove your value as a colleague or friend but people-pleasing behaviour can actually end up contributing to self-sabotage.

“As humans, we want to be accepted and be part of the pack,” Knowles explains. “If you want a job promotion that your friend also wants, your need to be liked and accepted may sabotage you so that you don’t go for it and push her forward for it instead.”

We’re all guilty of putting off important tasks from time to time, but procrastination can also be a way of not taking responsibility for your actions and avoiding rejection. 

When an individual is self-sabotaging, their internal narrative is overwhelmingly one of “I can’t do this,” or “I don’t deserve that.” Believing you’re not good enough – for your partner, in your job or any other realm of your life – reinforces the feelings of worthlessness or incompetence that can, if left unchecked, lead towards a sense of self-hatred.

There’s a big difference between being realistic about your chances of something happening and constantly catastrophising that nothing is going to go your way.

Not only does it reinforce negative behaviours that eat away at your potential for success, feeling like a “failure” or “disappointment” allows guilt and frustration to spiral.

Those who self-sabotage are likely to use things like “I’ll probably fail anyway” as an excuse not to try and therefore avoid any potential rejection or embarrassment. 

Those who are in the throes of self-sabotage are often actively looking for and picking out not just their own faults, but the faults of others.

Whether it’s gnawing self-doubt or a praise complex linked to your childhood conditioning, the idea of putting yourself down before someone else is able to is both a protective instinct and a survival reflex.

Knowles believes that every self-sabotaging behaviour has a positive intention. “But it’s about taking a moment to think: ‘Is this the right action for me?’ ‘Is what I’m doing self-supporting?’” she explains.

She suggests using prompts such as “What do I really want for myself?” and “What did I do that I didn’t actually want to do?” to help begin to unpick the coping mechanisms we’ve learned but are perhaps no longer serving us.

Once you have a better understanding of what patterns of thinking cause those emotions, you can begin to challenge them with positive self-talk, affirmations and self-supporting behaviours.

“Remember that you’re the one in control, and you’re the one that’s got to be ultimately accountable,” Knowles reminds us.