Finding strengths you’ve picked up due to the past can sometimes feel a little like rewarding the person or people who created the negative situation — but it’s not. It’s not about appreciating the individual for their bad acts. It’s appreciating yourself for making lemonade out of the lemons you were handed.

You don’t have to feel grateful for people who have hurt you.

You get to feel strong for the ways you’ve improved, despite those bad actors.

This is not about denial or changing the facts. It’s okay to recognize the feelings that come up when thinking about difficult past events.

At the same time, though, you can adopt a positive outlook about yourself as a result. This will encourage you to take on a new identity, one where you feel strong and confident. One where you see the skills you’ve learned and ways you’ve become a better version of yourself.

The very act of putting the spotlight on the positive ways you’ve turned the past around is an act of control. You’re in charge of how you see yourself.

The story we tell ourselves about who we are and how we are is a mindset. A mindset is a habitual perspective - a story we tell ourselves over and over. It is a way of seeing things.

The good news is, habits are changeable. It just takes a little commitment. Your perspective of your identity is the foundation of your self-esteem.

No matter how negatively a past experience has impacted you, the very fact that you’re still here makes you a survivor. Even if you struggle, your tenacity allows you to keep going. 

Here are some ways to uncover the positive elements of your story.

List a few of the most pivotal moments from your past.

Maybe you’re more compassionate and understanding toward others who are going through something similar. Perhaps, you’ve become more patient with people. You might be quick to make newcomers feel included because you grew up feeling shy. Or, maybe you’re a good listener because of something you’ve gone through.

How have these experiences helped you appreciate things?

Maybe you sought solace in nature or with animals and now you’re an animal lover or enjoy natural spaces.

What strengths or skills have you developed as a result of those negative past events?

Are you a good planner, as a result of growing up in a chaotic house? Maybe, you’re a natural peacekeeper due to feuding parents.

What are some of the positive experiences from your past?

Our built-in negativity bias puts the focus on the hard times. What positive experiences allowed you to grow and flourish in ways you’re still experiencing today?

Remember, it doesn’t mean you need to feel glad for past difficulties, especially if you were victimized. You’re not telling the person or circumstances that what happened is okay. Instead, you’re choosing to view yourself as a strong, resilient survivor. You’re turning lemons into lemonade, not for them, but for yourself.

“The old you is only a shadow of the reality which is the new you. The shadow is useless without its reality.”

-Efrat Cybulkiewicz