Interdependence Can Build a Lasting and Safe Relationship

A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being.

There is no ability for that person to distinguish where they end and their partner begins, there is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.

• Poor/no boundaries
• People-pleasing behaviors
• Reactivity
• Unhealthy, ineffective communication
• Manipulation
• Difficulty with emotional intimacy
• Controlling behaviors
• Blaming each other
• Low self-esteem of one or both partners
• No personal interests or goals outside the relationship

Codependent relationships are not healthy and do not allow partners room to be themselves, to grow, and to be autonomous.

• Interdependence involves a balance of self and others within the relationship, recognizing that both partners are working to be present and meet each other's physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways.
• Partners are not demanding of one another and they do not look to their partner for feelings of worthiness.
• Interdependency gives each partner space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.

• Healthy boundaries
• Active listening
• Time for personal interests
• Clear communication
• Taking personal responsibility for behaviors
• Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable
• Engaging and responding to each other
• Healthy self-esteem
• Being open and approachable with each other

When partners feel cherished and valued, the relationship becomes a safe haven and a place where the couple can be interdependent.

They understand that they are not alone in the relationship, can turn toward each other safely in times of need, and feel secure that their partner will be present.

Be mindful of who you are from the beginning. Many times people are looking for or entering relationships simply to avoid feeling alone, without any personal reflection of who they are, what they value, and their goals for the relationship.

Taking time for this kind of personal reflection allows you to enter a new relationship with an awareness of self that is critical for the establishment of a relationship based on interdependency.

Licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, LCSW suggests it is important to maintain a sense of self in your intimate relationships. She suggests the following ways:

• Knowing what you like and what matters to you
• Not being afraid to ask for what you want
• Spend time with friends and family
• Continue pursuing your personal goals
• Be mindful of your values
• Make time for hobbies and interests
• Don't be afraid to say "no"
• Don't keep yourself small or hidden to please others

Starting your relationship in this way can allow for the development of a safe space for both partners to learn how to turn toward each other intimately without fear of losing themselves or being controlled or manipulated.

Take time to reflect on who you are and what you want in your most important relationships. Being mindful of this in the dating process can help ensure that your relationship will be healthy and more solid for the long term. If you are in a relationship already, it's never too late to examine your and your partner's values to ensure that you remain aligned.