The Dishonesty of People Pleasing

Being a people pleaser makes you unhappy . It makes those around you unhappy when they realize you’re not being true to yourself and being dishonest. So who is it really benefiting?

Constantly striving to please others can result in isolation. By conforming to the expectations of various individuals, people pleasers often lose their true selves.

This isolation prevents them from forming deep and meaningful connections.

We all want connection with others, true connection. That’s impossible when we’re constantly lying about who we are and how we’re showing up in the world, and people pleasing also means never trusting anyone else enough to get to know the real you.

If you’re busy trying to please everyone else, you’re actually just hiding from the world. People are missing out on the most amazing version of you, because you’re too busy trying to be agreeable with everybody else that no one ever gets to know you. That’s a lonely place to be.

Attempting to be everything to everyone can backfire. People pleasers may end up feeling resentful or excluded because they give more than they receive.

Their wishy-washy behavior can deter others from forming meaningful connections with them.

Having an opinion doesn't mean you can't compromise. It signifies that you have personal preferences and are willing to take responsibility for them. Confidence in your choices and preferences is attractive in any relationship.

Trust is earned through transparency and consistency.

How do you ever really know what a people pleaser wants? If you ask someone to come to your party and they say yes, but then you found out they told friends they were dreading it and how much they didn’t want to go, would you even invite them next time? Would you trust their word on much of anything?

Brene Brown has used the example of trust being like a jar of marbles. Every time someone does something small to earn trust, they get another marble in the jar. The marbles slowly add up over time, but it only takes one event, one lie, one situation for the entire jar of marbles to be tipped over.

We have to quit making the assumption that we have the other person entirely figured out and give them the benefit of the doubt to make their own decision and let the chips fall. If it doesn’t work out the way you want, perhaps it will open the door to a bigger conversation and deepen the connection you have with the other person.

Or, maybe it wasn’t the right relationship for you anyway, and you both likely would have been miserable and exhausted in the long run.

People pleasing is a great way to be left feeling utterly helpless, as though life is happening to you rather than for you.

You get to make the rules for your own life. Stop giving away all of your power and start living the life you choose, with purpose, clarity and confidence in your choices. Most importantly, start getting clear on the choices that feel good to you and you’ll be better able to show up with integrity.