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Brain science to improve your relationships - Harvard Health Blog
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Our relationships impact our brains
Your brain is the place that processes where you perceive, understand, remember, evaluate, desire, and respond to people.
How we perceive people are a mix of who they are and what we make of them in our brains.
We can likely change our brains to alter the ways in which we interact with others.
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Transference
What you can do: Ask yourself, “Am I responding to this person, or am I mixing them up with someone from the past?”
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Emotional contagion
Our emotions can be easily transferred to another person without us even knowing about this. This can also happen through large-scale social networks without in-person interactions or nonverbal cues. Our negative emotions such as anger are transferred more easily than positive ones.
What you can do: Be aware when your partner or colleague “makes” you angry. You may not actually be angry with them, but instead, mistaking their anger for yours when your brain reflects their feeling states.
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Cognitive empathy
It activates a mentalizing network in the brain, which differs from the emotional mirroring mechanisms of emotional empathy.
What you can do: When trying to resolve a conflict, reflect on what they are saying, and then neutrally paraphrase what they are saying or intending.
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Emotional intelligence
It is the ability to manage our own emotions and react to the emotions of others.
People who exhibit emotional intelligence have the less obvious skills necessary to get ahead in life,...
5 key areas of emotional intelligence
- Self-awareness: it involves knowing your own feelings.
- Self-management: it involves being able to keep your emotions in check when they become disruptive.
- Motivation, for the sake of personal joy, curiosity or the satisfaction of being productive.
- Empathy: the skill and practice of reading the emotions of others and responding appropriately.
- Social skills: this can include finding common ground with others, managing others in a work environment and being persuasive.
Improving self-awareness
- Keep a journal of your emotions. At the end of every day, write down what happened to you, how you felt, and how you dealt with it.
- Ask for input from people who know you well about where your strengths and weaknesses lie, to gauge your perception from another’s point of view.
- Slow down (or meditate). The next time you have an emotional reaction to something, try to pause before you react.
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Why You Self-Sabotage
For many people, the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment keep them out of relationships.
These fears are based on false beliefs, such as success or failure defines my worth as...
How You Self-Sabotage
Relationships:
- You keep yourself isolated.
- You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
- You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.
Work:
- You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
- You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
- You stay in a job that you hate.
- You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.
Healing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior
- Notice self-judgments.
- Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others.
- Consciously see mistakes and failure as stepping stones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth.
- Learn to be kind and compassionate toward your own feelings.
- Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself.
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Key Ideas
Use assertive communication
Assertive communication allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people.
Emotionally intelligent people know how to communicate ...
Respond instead of reacting
The emotionally intelligent person knows how to stay calm during stressful situations.
They don't make impulsive decisions and understand that in times of conflict the goal is a resolution.
Utilize active listening skills
Emotionally intelligent people make sure they understand what is being said before responding.
They also pay attention to the nonverbal details of a conversation. This prevents misunderstandings, allows the listener to respond properly and shows respect for the person they are speaking to.