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Eight Ways to Say No With Grace and Style
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“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”
Josh Billings
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The Awkward Pause
Use awkward pauses as a tool to say no. When a request comes to you (this works only in person), just pause for a moment. Count to three before delivering your verdict.
548 SAVES
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The Soft "No" ("No, But")
E-mail is also a good way to start practicing saying "no but" because it gives you the chance to draft and redraft your "no" to make it as graceful as possible. Plus, many people find that the distance of e-mail reduces the fear of awkwardness.
402 SAVES
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“Let me check my calendar and get back to you”
It gives you the time to pause and reflect and ultimately reply that if you are or are not available. It enables you to take back control of your own decisions rather than be rushed into a “yes” when you are asked.
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Using E-mail Bouncebacks
Using email bouncebacks is the most socially acceptable “no” there is. It doesn't mean you're telling them that you don't want to respond to them. It only states that you can't reply for a certain period of time.
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“Yes. What should I deprioritize?”
Saying no to a senior leader at work is almost unthinkable, even laughable, for many people. However, when saying yes is going to compromise your ability to make the highest level of contribution to your work, it is also your obligation. In this case it is not only reasonable to say no, it is essential. One effective way to do that is to remind your superiors what you would be neglecting if you said yes and force them to grapple with the trade-off.
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Saying "No" With Humor
Saying "no" with humor will lessen the awkwardness and will lighten up the atmosphere.
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“You are welcome to X. I am willing to Y”
This is a particularly good way to navigate a request you would like to support somewhat but cannot throw your full weight behind. I particularly like this construct because it also expresses a respect for the other person's ability to choose, as well as your own. It reminds both parties of the choices they have.
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“I can’t do it, but X might be interested”
It is tempting to think that our help is uniquely invaluable, but often people requesting something don't really care if we're the ones who help them- as long as they get the help.
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"The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."
Warren Buffett
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"Saying no is its own leadership capability. It is not just a peripheral skill. As with any ability, we start with limited experience."
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There's a high price for continually saying yes to the thing you just don't want to do.
When your top priority is to be liked all the time, you suppress and repress who you are. The...
Know when you can safely say "no"
- Over one week, observe how you spend your time and energy. Keep note of how many times you say yes, no, or maybe to a request. Notice and record how each request made you feel.
- Identify the times you say no and everything still works out fine. This will help you to know how you can respond in the future.
- The requests that caused you anxiety: Ask yourself what the baggage behind it is. Does it remind you of old hurts and loss? The habit can also be a survival tactic to repress who you are.
Once you know where you can safely say no, try cutting back on saying yes.
Understand your bandwidth
Try to document your energy level and your calendar. How much did you have to do? Did saying yes to too many things mean your days were too busy?
Next time someone makes a request, assess your time and energy before taking on more tasks.
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Key Idea
Ways to Say No
- The Indirect “No."Say no without feeling uncomfortable by explaining the reasons why you can't.
- The “Let me get back to you.”Buy yourself time to think...
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Key Ideas
Fear of rejection
The main reason why we are having a hard time declining other people's requests is that we are afraid to be rejected. We are afraid that people might think negatively.
Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
- Saying No Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person: Saying no doesn't mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say no. Learning where these beliefs have come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.
- Knowing Your Value: Learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others.
- Is It Really Worth It?: Learning to say no is also deciding if saying yes is really worth it. Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn't it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place?
Helpful Tips for Saying No
- Be direct.
- Don't apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
- Be honest.
- Don't delay your response.
- Be polite.
- Practice saying no. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
- Know your worth. Don't mind what other think of you.