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The Guide to Strong Boundaries

https://markmanson.net/boundaries

markmanson.net

The Guide to Strong Boundaries
PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all for your relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they're more of a side effect of having a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of neediness with people around you. Boundaries in relationships work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health.

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You Have A Boundary Issue If…

  • you feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain.
  • you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time.
  • you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly.
  • you find yourself more invested in a person than you should.
  • you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it.
  • you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault.

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Personal Boundaries

Having healthy personal boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT blaming others.

People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.

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Poor Boundaries 

Poor Boundaries 

People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them.

People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone.

Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another, yet completely fail to meet each other's true need to feel loved. The real solution would be for both to take responsibility for their own problems.

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The Vicious Cycle

The Vicious Cycle

Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another.

  • For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life.
  • For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to force them to be happy and satisfied.
Both need to start the process of building self-esteem. Both should eliminate needy behavior.

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Sacrifice

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.

The catch is that if you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing it. 

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Learning to set healthy personal boundaries

  • Know that you have a right to personal boundaries.
  • Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own.
  • Learn to say no.
  • I...

Defining Boundaries

The word “boundary” can leave the impression of separation.

But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or profess...

The benefits of boundaries

  • Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem. They protect relationships from becoming unsafe.
  • Boundaries can be flexible. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess them.
  • Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy. Without them, self-esteem and identity can be affected, and you can build resentment toward others.
  • Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable. 

Determine your borders

Our boundaries are shaped by

  • our heritage or culture
  • the region we live in or come from
  • whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
  • our life experiences
  • our family dynamics
Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from person to person. You can investigate and define your boundaries with self-reflection.

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Verbal violations

  • Not allowing you to speak or be heard.
  • Yelling at you.
  • Saying things that are derogatory about your integrity and character.
  • Gossiping about you.

Psychological/emotional boundary violations

  • Preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem
  • Using what you’ve told them in confidence against you
  • Lying to you
  • Criticizing you
  • Manipulating you
  • Mocking you
  • Making demands of your time
  • Bullying you
  • Lording a superior attitude over you

Physical violations

  • Moving into your personal space
  • Touching you without permission
  • Being inappropriate or too familiar towards you
  • Violating your privacy
  • Damaging or destroying your personal property
  • Threatening you with physical harm