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How Not to Care When People Don't Like You
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Rejection is normal
It's impossible to please everyone. And rejection is a way to figure out who’s compatible with whom: getting axed from a social group gives you space to find folks that are a little more your speed.
You’ll more likely find people who genuinely like you for you, without having to adjust your personality to someone else’s to be accepted.
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It’s okay to feel pain
When we get rejected, our brains register an emotional chemical response so strong, it can physically hurt.
We go through almost the same stages as if we were grieving (self-blame, trying to win back our rejecter because we hate being disliked, and feeling like a failure). These feelings are healthy and normal, so long as you don’t end up dwelling on them.
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It’s not (totally) your fault
Rejection is personal, and it’s easy to start questioning your self-worth when someone makes it clear they don’t like you.
But for the most part, being disliked is a matter of mutual compatibility. Keep in mind that likability has a lot to do with what you bring to someone else’s table, whether or not you realize it.
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Be aware of your bad behavior
While you shouldn’t always blame yourself if someone doesn’t like you, if you’re finding this is a pattern, you may want to take an objective look at your own behavior.
One way to find out what’s going on is to ask for feedback as to why you’re disliked. Then take a step back an analyze the validity of the feedback.
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The people that do like you
Spending time with people that care about you can boost your self-esteem and help you to feel more secure.
Being with people who appreciate you will be in the long run a much more fulfilling use of your time and social energy.
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The biggest barrier shy people have to overcome is that they have this tremendous sense of self-focus. Popular people focus on others instead of obsessing about themselves.
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The Art of a Good Conversation
Popular people have worked at and mastered this.
- The first step is having an opening line. The simpler the better. For example, comment on the environment.
- The next step is introducing yourself. Include enough information that the other person can ask questions.
- The third step involves conversation exploration, where the pair or group goes from introductions to a topic.
- Step four is topic expansion, building on the topic at hand by focusing on what the other person is saying.
- The final step is to end the conversation by expressing gratitude for the connection.
Take Control of Your Social Life
Popular people take charge of making dates and sending out invitations. These interactions allow them to continue to work on their social skills. Shy people wait to be asked out.
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Mindfulness is not a panacea
As the Buddhist meditation practice has morphed into a billion-dollar industry, it’s become the go-to solution for everything from depression to weight gain.
But while mindfulnes...
Modern Mindfulness
What has remained consistent is the use of meditation in pursuit of greater self-awareness, coupled with a rejection of the egocentric mode of existence.
Harms of Mindfulness
The lack of empirical studies on how mindfulness is practiced may lead consumers to be harmed, mislead, or disappointed in the lack of results.
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Thinking like an actor
We can use performance techniques off stage to create a reality of our choosing.
Using acting techniques isn’t the same thing as manipulating people, or being phony or fake. Instead, i...
Know your big picture goal
An actor always performs with a clear purpose or motivation in mind. When you’re thinking about your next high-stakes situation, ask yourself the same question that actors ask when developing a character: “What’s my end goal?”
Think about your long-term objective, not just the immediate one.
Think about the other person
... and how you want them to feel. The choices made by an actor during a performance — in speech and movement — are in the service of attaining their goal and achieving a specific impact on their audience.
Not everything you say or do is going to work, but if you can fluidly play one action after another in pursuit of your objective, it gives you this ability to improvise in the moment and be flexible.