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To get through life, we all need to ask for help - here's how NOT to do it
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"You're going to love helping me!"
Don't try and convince someone how much they will enjoy helping you. It reeks of control and is presumptive. It drains their joy out of helping.
How they feel is for them to decide.
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A small favor
One common tactic is to portray the help we need as so small, that it is barely a favor. "Would you add these updates to the database? It won’t take you more than five minutes.”
It is conveying that you think the work the other person does is easy, quick, trivial and not very taxing. That’s not a great way to enlist help. You might also underestimate the size of the favor. Do not presume it won’t take them very long the next time you ask them for help.
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Scorekeeping
While reciprocity does make people more likely to comply with the request, it also makes us feel controlled, which takes all the fun out of it.
Reminding someone that they owe you a favor does not create good feelings. Scorekeeping is fundamentally bad for relationships.
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Focus on the benefactor
The motivation to be helpful is tied to your helper’s identity and self-esteem. People help because they want to be admired.
- Other-praising (Acknowledging and validating the character or abilities of the giver.) “You go out of your way …” or “I feel like you’re really good at that.”
Self-benefit (Describing how the receiver is better off for having been given help). “It let me relax.” or “It makes me happy.”
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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
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Reinforcing People’s Helpfulness
- Strong sense of in-group: the belief that the person in need is on your team makes us more helpful to them as we care about what happens to the in-group.
- ...
2 types of gratitude expression
- Other-praising: involves acknowledging and validating the character or abilities of the giver;
- Self-benefit: which describes how the receiver is better off for having been given help.
The former makes people feel better with themselves and that you are more grateful when compared to the latter.
Reminding People That They Owe You One
If you have to remind someone that they owe you one, chances are they don’t feel as if they do. Reminding them that they owe you a favor both makes the other person feel as if you’re trying to control them and it makes the other person feel as if you’re keeping a scorecard, and that’s fundamentally bad for relationships.
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What Not To Do When Asking For Help
- Instruct people.
- Tell or imply that they should help our debt they don’t have a choice about it.
- Using unnecessary prefaces makes people feel trapped.
- Profusely apologi...
Reinforce A Request For Help
- In-group: Assuring that you’re on the helper’s team and the team’s importance taps into our need to belong to and perpetuate supportive social circles.
- Positive identity: Creating or enhancing their recognition that they are uniquely placed to provide assistance and that they aren’t just “people who can help” but routinely helpful people.
- Effectiveness: People want to know the impact of the aid they will give. Knowing one’s actions have an effect is a fundamental human motivation.
Research Results On Helpfulness
- Studies indicate that people are willing to help more often than we expect.
- Studies suggest that we underestimate how much effort those who do agree to help will put in.
- Those who help others get to feel better with themselves than those who don’t.
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Key Ideas
Pick One Person to Ask
It’s best to ask one person instead of a group. Pick someone who you think can help you the most, or at least send individual requests to several people at once instead of dropping a li...
Make It Clear You Want Help
... be specific about what you want.
Don't use phrases like “Can you do me a favor? ", because they are manipulative - they force someone to commit before you tell them what it is you need. A simple “Can you help me with [specific thing]?” will do.
Give a Timeframe and an Escape
When you ask for help, give the person some kind of timeframe or soft deadline. Phrases like “whenever you can” put more pressure on the person who is already doing you a favor.
It’s also nice to offer them a way out if you know they’re busy. It ensures your request for help doesn’t feel like a demand.