How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

Chances are, you can relate to a few of these. Maybe you relate to all of them. But most of us have one or two that are much more important to us than the others, and it's different for everyone. As Chapman told SheKnows :

"I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other."

There's really no scientific research behind Chapman's theory; it just makes sense because it's relatable. It's obvious that we all show affection in different ways. These "languages" simply label those ways so you can understand people a little better.

When you know what your partner does and doesn't care about, it's a pretty big eye opener. For example, for years, I've been giving my significant other small gifts to show that I care. I put a lot of thought into those gifts, and I loved surprising him. It would piss me off when he'd receive them and just say, "Oh cool, thanks," and then set it aside. That was not the reaction I wanted. By giving him a gift, I was saying, "I care about you," and "oh cool, thanks," is not a good reply to that.

When I realized "gifting" wasn't his love language at all, everything suddenly made a lot of sense, and I learned to show that I care in ways that speak to him. And conversely, when I do give gifts, he now understands that's my way of saying I love you, and it means more to him now.

You can probably figure out what your language is by simply giving it a little thought, but Chapman offers a 30-question quiz on his website . This is helpful because, if you identify with more than one language, the quiz tells you which ones stand out most. It might feel silly as you take it, but seriously, do it. The results will break down how highly you rank for each language, as you can see in the example below. (If you don't feel like taking it online, you can also download the PDF version of the quiz here ).

As Chapman points out, there are different "dialects" for each language, too. For example, my primary language is quality time, but I also express and feel affection through words of affirmation and physical touch to some degree.

On the flip side, it's useful to know how you don't express affection. I ranked low on acts of service, and it helps to understand this as a blind spot. Let's say a friend does me a favor: they give me a ride to the airport. This isn't a big deal to me, so I might brush it off too quickly. Similarly, I might be terrible at doing favors for friends, because favors don't matter much to me, so I assume they don't matter to anyone else, either.

In short, knowing what makes you tick and what doesn't can help you empathize with people a little better .

When you realize what your partner does and doesn't care about, you can empathize better. Your reasons for fighting make a little more sense. When you understand why you're fighting, you're in a better position to come up with a solution.

Beyond fighting less (or at least more productively), the concept of love languages is a great for maintaining the relationship, too. For example, I know both of us feel affection by spending quality time together, so I know it's important to schedule this time to keeping our relationship strong. If we ever had a long distance relationship, we'd probably struggle quite a bit with it, and we'd need to put in more effort than people who don't speak the language of quality time. When you've been in a relationship for a long time, it's easy to get complacent and let things get stale. When you know your partner's love language, it's incredibly easy to recharge. It's like a cheat code for your relationship.