Facts Are Not Enough

While you have to understand the facts and arguments, you really need to understand what’s already in their head and how those ideas got there in the first place before you can change someone’s mind.

Humans are tribal. We evolved in small groups where it was a bad idea to stand out.

When we’re faced with a choice between being correct or being accepted, more often than not we choose the latter. 

Changing our minds can result in a perception that we’re losing status. We need psychological safety in order to do it. We need to know that we’re not going to lose a friend. We need to know that promotions are not affected by disagreement.

One of the reasons it’s easier to argue with a spouse is because of that ring on your finger. A wedding band represents a promise to each other that you are not going anywhere (easily). Friends are another interesting example. If we are arguing with a friend, we know that we have disagreed with them before and we have not lost the friendship.

When it comes to changing our minds two things that stand out are:

• it’s best done by someone we like
• group settings influence what we think.

We’re most likely persuaded by people we like. When’s the last time you didn’t like or respect someone and they convinced you to change your mind? It almost never happens.

People we don’t like can’t persuade us. All the logic in the world won’t change your mind if you dislike the person being logical.

• When we’re alone we don’t have to admit to others what changed our mind. In fact, we often don’t know what changed our mind. If we watch a documentary on sugar and resolve to eat less sugar we might not know which part of the argument changed our mind, we only know that we’re convinced.
• We also know that there is a difference between changing our mind and socializing it. We don’t have to tell others we’re eating less sugar — that’s very specific. Instead, if they notice that our diet has changed we can simply tell them we’re eating healthy and avoid a possible confrontation.