The Art of Friendship: How to Address and Respond to Conflict

Your level of closeness to the person is a factor worth considering when deciding whether to bring up an issue with your friend.

Conflict isn't automatically an indicator of incompatibility; it may simply be the sign of differing preferences that can be bridged with communication.

• Timing is everything
• Consider if you have the immediate capacity for it.
• Carve out an entire afternoon - or day, if you need it - so that you aren't rushing through your chat and have time to process any emotions you may feel afterwards.

If you've given yourself a chance to prepare for the conversation, you should also extend the same courtesy to your friend.

Consider if they are in a space where they can actually receive and process your feelings. If not, it's likely that they will go into fight-or-flight mode.

• Use authentic feelings as leverage.
• Be open about your feelings and be honest about your nerves. This may help ease your friend’s nerves and expand their ability to receive and receive your emotions. You can also build trust with someone by being open and honest with them.

• How you start the conversation influences the mood, tone, and direction of the talk more than you know.
• Use verbiage that welcomes your friend in rather than alienates them, positive framing script.
• An example would be: "Hey, I was wondering if we can talk about something that's been on my mind."

When sharing your dilemma, keep the focus of your words on you and how you feel by using "I" statements.

Start by expressing how it made you feel when your friend did what they did. Feelings are information, not fact.

This also helps you understand that there is more than one reality, and going towards factual reality is a two-way process involving both.

• What you're trying to do is to embrace something called mutuality.
• You're considering their experience and your experience at the same time.
• True mutuality is not about right or wrong, it's about finding balance and understanding.
• Don't kowtow to their reasoning, but listen to them out.

If you have been approached by a friend about how you've hurt them, remember that they care enough to bring it to you and are willing to be their vulnerable self with you

This is your friend showing that they're invested in you enough to want to work through this issue

• Do what you need to do to refrain from sending emotions into overdrive
• De-escalate if necessary, even if it means taking a break during the conversation
• If the dialogue gets heated, verbalize that you need a moment instead of shutting down

In the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember that we are real people.

Take a pause, ask for a moment, and call back later, or even take a day or two. It will help your relationship in the long run and give you space to be receptive rather than reactive.

• Frame your friend's feelings as information instead.
• A certain word or action may trigger them, but it might not trigger you and vice versa.
• It's simply about respecting and honouring their request next time.
• Don't let them tell you they hate you.

Before the conversation ends, let your friend know that you hear them. Confirm what has upset them, and verbalize that you care and understand where they're coming from.

If you would like to avoid hurting them in the future, express how you will go about it next time.