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Why is Modern Love So Damn Hard?

https://estherperel.com/blog/why-modern-love-is-so-damn-hard

estherperel.com

Why is Modern Love So Damn Hard?

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Modern Love

Modern Love

Modern love is harder than ever, as commitment becomes synonymous with the loss of self. The western world has always cherished a sense of individualism, and each person is to be a complete package, being able to provide compassion, sexual excitement, financial freedom and even self worth.

The result: Love is commodified

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Marriage: Then And Now

  • In the old days, the institute of marriage was rarely about love and passion, but about safety, respect and security. The husband or the wife had reasons to stray from their bond, due to the lack of mystery, love, passion and excitement that they craved.
  • Modern love is further complicating the phenomenon of marriage, where it almost always fails to live up to the promised ideals of love, passion, undivided attention and purity.

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The Wedding Band

Marriage would ideally mean that our chosen one would offer us stability, safety, dependability and predictability. Apart from the laundry list of perfection, it is also an expectation to provide mystery, adventure, awe and wonder.

The wedding band comes with the weight of anticipations, of being ten different people and keeping the show going, juggling the various balls of expectations. If one ball falls, the marriage breaks down.

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Better Marriage: A Place To Start

  1. Studies show that people with more social resources, who can talk to a wide range of friends about the issues they face, are better in their marriage.
  2. One need not think of love as a disposable commodity, and has to work on a relationship by investing time and energy.
  3. One has to be patient and work towards making the expectations become reality, together.

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Supportive, long-term relationships

To foster a long-term, supportive, solid relationships, it's important to recognize your flaws while still holding yourself and your partner in high regard.

Start by freeing yourself from the outdated notions of how an exemplary partner should behave.

Being “chill/cool”

These are not signs of emotional maturity or intelligence, because there are some things that you should get upset about (an unfaithful or neglectful partner, for example).

Specific situations demand certain reactions, and this idea of people being “too much” or “crazy” is destructive because it causes you to act fake and pretend that your partner’s hurtful actions don’t bother you.

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The new relationships norms

The new relationships norms

There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building....

Relationships terms

  • Ghosting: Stopping communications suddenly and completely with someone you are dating, but no longer want to date. You cannot face the pain you will inflict, so you make it invisible by disappearing.
  • Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
  • Simmering: Reducing the frequency of dates and communication. You know it isn't working, but you like the security of the relationship while you browse other options.
  • Power parting: You know it isn't working and end the relationship conclusively. "This isn't working for me. Thank you for sharing your world. I enjoyed our time together and wish you all my best."

Bringing back relationship accountability

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.

Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.

Social Inequality

Social Inequality
  • Before we move towards a just society by going vocal globally, we need to cater to first place the injustice starts: Our Homes.
  • We need to have some hard conversations with our nea...

Tolerance and Broadening Our Mindsets

  • We need to find out how much tolerance we have of people that are different from us, whether it is their looks, background or belief patterns.
  • We also need to bust the myth that feeling really strongly about someone does not mean that one is right.
  • There are various online resources available like podcasts and videos that can educate individuals willing to understand reality and broaden their mindset about social inequality, diversity, and social justice.