Elevated Path's Key Ideas from Communication Skills
by Ian Tuhovsky

Effective communication avoids common mistakes like focusing on negatives and unclear messaging.

Follow these eight rules:

1. Make everything you say possible to realize
2. Precisely formulate what you say
3. Positively formulate what you say
4. Remember always to take responsibility for yourself
5. Describe measurable facts instead of trying to read minds
6. Always describe your feelings without attacking and offending your interlocutor
7. Say directly what you want to communicate
8. Say directly what you want to communicate

Regularly evaluate your conversations using these rules to reduce misunderstandings

Anger often leads to conflicts, and blaming others doesn't solve the problem.

It can make people feel hopeless or defensive, hindering any positive change.

Think about the last time you felt angry and accused someone.

Did it lead to resolution or just more frustration?

Accusations often escalate conflicts, leaving everyone involved feeling worse and nothing getting resolved.

The Art of Habits (It's free)

To express anger constructively and avoid conflicts, follow these steps:

• Take a Pause: Stop and breathe. Set aside accusations.
• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Reflect on what judgment or belief is causing your anger.
• Understand Your Needs: Identify what you are missing that’s causing this emotion.

Express Your Needs: Communicate your feelings without judging the other person.

By following these steps, you can transform anger into constructive dialogue, leading to better understanding and stronger relationships.

Several obstacles may hinder us from becoming effective communicators.

Being aware of these obstacles is the first step to avoiding them.

Once we learn how to overcome these obstacles, we’ll surely see a huge improvement in our social and professional lives. 

• Playing a judge
• Feeling the need to finish sentences for others
• Being the uncle of good advice
• Being a moralizer
• Being “the talker”
• Impolitely dealing with people who don’t let you speak
• Saying the wrong comforting words
• Losing focus

In addition to overcoming obstacles, smiling more often is another effective way to enhance our communication skills.

You believe you’re the only one with the right to be right,

so you tend to criticize people for not thinking or acting the way you want or expect them to be.

You keep giving unwanted advice, thinking it would help people solve their problems.

In actuality, it just makes them feel uncomfortable.

You often interrupt and finish people's sentences without being told to,

which can frustrate people and damage relationships.

You often give irritating comments to the people you’re conversing with, like saying, “How can you listen to this kind of nasty music?”

An example of a moralizer is, “Good and honest men do not act that way!” It is the most irritating and the least effective method of communication.

You are very open to people, making you talk to them excessively even when it’s unnecessary.

This can annoy people and ruin early relationships.

Excessive talking from your side can be discouraging in the early stages of relationships.

We're quickly offended when others don't let us talk.

Wrongfully dealing with this can lead to conflicts.

Instead, we should learn how to interrupt them when we want to say something politely.

Polite interruption is when you interrupt and repeat the last sentence of the speaker (showing that you are interested in what they just said).

For example, “So, you’re telling me these new planes can fly really high, right?”

While comforting someone is a good thing, it can make people feel bad if we do it wrongfully.

Saying phrases like “Don’t worry” or ”It’s not that bad” can discourage them from overcoming and dealing with their problems.

First, acknowledge what this person is feeling and why; e.g., “Really?! That’s a horrible thing to have to go through!”

Next, instead of using clichéd phrases, say something like, “Know that you can count on me if it ever happens to you again.”

The tendency to be distracted while listening to others can make us miss valuable information from the people we converse with.

Failing to address this problem can lead to misunderstandings and damaged relationships.

You make an impression of a trustworthy and understanding person, and, thereby, you build deeper relationships with others.

This is actually the main factor in unsuccessful conversations.

Aside from overcoming these obstacles, another beneficial way to improve our communication skills is by smiling more often.

Our brains will function much better when we do, and other people will see us as more sociable and friendly.

What's more, we will also improve our humor and feel much better in the process.

“You need to know that listening builds trust. The more you listen to another person, the more they trust and believe in you.”

There are several conversation fixes we need to apply to improve our conversation skills a lot.

When applied correctly, these fixes can build our self-esteem, empathy with others, trust, and self-discipline.

The last fix will help us with difficult questions and not very honest conversation partners.

• Stop for a moment
• Ask for clarification
• Paraphrase
• Listen more, talk less
• Use the three-second look

When we pause for a moment before responding to a conversation, we avoid interrupting the person who might just be taking a breath before continuing.

We show them we’re listening carefully and considering what they’ve said.

Taking a short pause (2–5 seconds) after a person stops talking is a very smart and savvy thing to do.

Instead of assuming you understand, ask questions to clarify.

This helps you grasp their messages well and keeps the conversation going as they elaborate their responses more.

Never assume that you fully understand what the other person is saying.

By paraphrasing the words of the person you’re conversing with, you show that you are attentive to the conversation and make every effort to understand their message.

You can nod and smile, then repeat it in your own words.

Listening is the foundation of trust; the more you listen to others, the more they trust you.

Besides, it will also make people feel valued and respected. When we listen to others, we also increase our focus.

The more you listen to another person, the more they trust and believe in you.

When you feel like someone is lying to you, wait for them to stop talking and look them directly into their eyes for three seconds quietly, pressuring them to tell you the truth.

You can also do this when you don’t want to answer somebody’s question to you.

Wherever we go, there will always be people we find difficult to deal with.

In these cases, it’s crucial that we know how to deal with them professionally, like the great communicator you want to be. 

• Avoid trying to change difficult people
• Set your boundaries
• Find your tone of power
• Remember different mental maps and positive intentions behind every behavior
• Make your verbal messages brief and concise
• Focus on behavior, not people
• Focus on the most crucial things
• Use suggestions
• Maintain strong body language

When dealing with these people is never to try to change them.

Aside from it being impossible, it’s not also our job to transform them.

Instead, learn to point out the annoying behavioral patterns of a person to help them improve. 

It’s a little bit like an amateur trying to dismantle a bomb: ineffective and careless.

We should learn to set boundaries by not tolerating people disrespecting us, especially in public situations.

Instead, teach them how to treat you well and never settle for anything less. 

Don’t tolerate shouting and pathological arguments in public situations or other forms of disrespect.

Look down at his eyes and go, "Mm-hmm."

This sound should be resonating, strong, and firm.

When you vocalize it, you need to speak in a slow and steady tone.

we must understand that we all have different mental maps and positive intentions behind our every behavior.

So if we disagree with someone’s viewpoint, we must respect it and realize they have their own reasons.

We must learn to listen to them and be empathetic to their situation. 

Even though you don’t agree with someone’s viewpoint, you need to realize that there must be some reason behind their annoying actions.

Avoid talking too much about what you don’t like in their conversation style.

Instead of saying things like, “Michael, you are a liar!” say, “Michael, we both know that what’s been said is far from reality.”

We need to avoid talking too much and only focus on the behaviors of the difficult people we encounter.

This is the best way to help them improve.

Aside from this, we can also use suggestions to show interest in the opinion of the people that we find challenging to deal with.

When we let them express their thoughts, much tension is released. 

We must maintain strong body language to show them we’re sending a firm message.

Keep your head straight - don't tilt it. Maintain eye contact and remove any physical things that stand between you and the person you're communicating with.

Some phrases we usually use may negatively impact our conversation with others; thus, it’s better to remove them completely from our dictionary.

Replace offensive phrases with the ones that evoke a positive response

• Replace “We need to talk.” with “I need your help.”
• Replace “What’s wrong with you?” with “What’s bothering you?”
• Replace “You said ...” or “But you just said ….” with “I heard/I understood ….”
• Replace “That doesn’t make any sense.” with “I don’t understand what you mean by saying ….”

Giving feedback to people is essential to helping them improve their performance in a specific task.

However, wrongfully delivering it might aggravate and frustrate a person, preventing them from taking your advice seriously.

Therefore, we need to be careful and learn how to properly provide feedback to people so that they will feel good and motivated to improve. 

The sandwich feedback is the best way to do this as it will allow us to motivate people to improve positively.

This consists of three steps:

1. Say something positive

For example, “Congrats on your first try!” It’s good to tell two or three things that they did well.

2. Say what the person can improve

Don’t say what was wrong, but rather focus on positive changes and growth.

3. End with positive emotion

You can say something like, “Well, as I said, generally, you did great!"

Small talk is usually boring.

When you talk to another person, you want to make an impact.

You want to be memorable, not just another boring person.

If your conversations are not as good as you would like them to be, there are several methods you can use to lead conversation like a master. 

These methods include :

• Use a very strong conversation starter
• Tell stories and use metaphors
• Discover your interlocutor’s beliefs and values
• Use your voice like a master
• Ask penetrating questions about the topic
• Ask unique questions
• Finish the conversation when there is still some curiosity
• Remember a person’s name

Use something that is emotional and will give direction for the conversation;

for example, "Dude, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me."

An accurate story or metaphor is like a skeleton key to the other person's mind.

Everyone likes to talk about the important things in their lives.

You need to modulate your voice and make it engaging.

Sometimes speak loudly, then go quieter.

Sometimes speak slowly, sometimes more v.

Listen carefully and actively to what they are saying when the other person is responding—they will feel your involvement.

Ask questions that will make your interlocutor think and stimulate the imagination.

For example, "What do you want your life to look like three years from now?"

Finish the conversation when there is still some hunger, curiosity, or any other good emotion.

This feeling should remain in their interlocutor’s memory for some time after you finish your conversation.

Before you start a conversation with someone, know their name first.

Then, keep mentioning it in the conversation by repeatedly calling them by their name.

This will help you remember their name faster.

“The truth is, we like people who are similar to us, enabling us to trust them the most.”

Building rapport is an art.

You may be both very similar to each other, and then the rapport will be there naturally.

However, in most cases, you will have to build it if you want to get benefits from it.

And the benefits are huge: building rapport is like making the other person like you.

If they do, you can lead the conversation to any point you want.

● Change your body language so that it is similar to your interlocutor’s

It cannot be an exact copy of the other person, but it should be close enough to feel the connection.

● Change your voice to match the voice of the other person

This includes the speech rate, gaps in speech, and tone of your voice.

● Try to match emotions

When the other person is not in a good emotional state, show your sympathy.

● Match breathing

How can you see the other person's breath? Follow the movement of their nose, chest, or arms.

● Share similar experiences.

Find a story or situation from your life to relate with them

The ability to act in front of a bigger group of people is one of the most desired skills among people interested in self-development

• Prepare the material, but do not memorize it

Outline everything you need to say and highlight the most important points before your presentation

• Get rid of stage fright
• If possible, come to the place of your presentation much earlier
• Clear your mind before getting on stage
• Take care of your posture
• Remember facial expressions
• Modulate your voice
• Look people in the eyes