If you start every conversation with, “Hey, remember that time when… ?” you and your friend will die of boredom.
You need new things, new memories, rather than using nostalgia as the glue holding a friendship together. Living in the past can make you both feel emotionally stunted and a bit stale.

Nostalgia is overrated

People get busy and life has dramatic ups and downs, but if you watch Drag Race every Friday together or bake Betty Crocker cookies every month, you have something to anchor you through the chaos of life.

It’s good to have “your thing”

Friendship is not a monogamous relationship; there is room for more than one. When you’ve known someone for years, try to be confident in the bond you’ve got.

“Best friend” is a tier, not a person

Unless something truly terrible happens, there’s no room for grudges. You will annoy each other, of course, but it’s always better to get over it quickly.

Fight like siblings

It is key to maintaining real relationships. Turn up, because you know they would do the same for you in a heartbeat.

Commitment

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Adult friendships can be tricky. They're not as fragile as the friendships of the teenage years, when something as simple as your pal going to Starbucks with someone else can shake your relationship to its foundations; but neither is it like primary school, where you can just go up to someone in the playground and decide you are now best friends for ever.
Because they're not as valued as romantic relationships, it's easy to underestimate the magic of maintaining long-term friendships throughout your 20s and beyond.
I've had the same group of friends for more than half my life - one from the first year of secondary school, when we bonded over whatever it is 11-year-olds bond over, and two I met a couple of years later, during an intense emo phase. We have all evolved from being teenagers who listened to My Chemical Romance on our Sony Ericssons in the park to adults with jobs and, for one of us, a baby. It's lucky that we still like each other, but that doesn't mean there was no work involved. Here are some of the things I've learned about making those connections last.
Nothing stays the same - and that's OK When one of my close pals went to university a whole 45-minute drive away, while I went to one closer to home, we wept, gave each other goodbye gifts and wrote each other heartfelt letters about how much we meant to one another. It felt like the end. Except, it wasn't. We went from me practically living in her house to seeing each other every few months, and to our surprise nobody died as a result. In fact our relationship thrived. It meant we always had loads to catch up on, and gave us a new energy. There were new experiences to talk about, new stresses to vent about, and by the time we graduated, we could be sure that if we could get through three years of hardly seeing each other we could survive whatever life threw at us. Much in the way that nobody in relationships feels the same way they did when they met decades ago, you're unlikely to be able to keep up the momentum of the early days - so don't expect to.
Nostalgia is overrated Remember that weird haircut you got? Or that time you peed yourself when you were kind of too old to be peeing yourself? Or when you went through a phase where you lied and told everyone your name was Scarlet because you wanted to seem more interesting? If you start every conversation with, "Hey, remember that time when... ?" you and your friend will die of boredom.
You need new things, new memories, rather than using nostalgia as the glue holding a friendship together. Of course, it's fun to reminisce about freshers' week, or the time you successfully lied to get into an 18-certificate film, but living in the past can make you both feel emotionally stunted and a bit stale.
... but it's good to have "your thing" With one of my friends, it's seeing Marvel movies together on the day they come out. We have an unspoken understanding that it would be a Judas-like betrayal to see them with someone else first, to the point that even if I was offered a premiere ticket for Avengers: Endgame by Chris Hemsworth himself I would refuse unless I had a plus one.
People get busy and life has dramatic ups and downs, but if you watch Drag Race every Friday together or bake Betty Crocker cookies every month, before eating most of the dough because, honestly, it's better than the final product, you have something to anchor you through the chaos of life.
Tagging someone in a meme is the lifeblood of friendship Facebook gets a lot of criticism for platforming fake news and being the place where someone you lived with in student halls now voices their racist views on immigration, but it is good for one thing - tagging friends in witty memes and cute animal videos.
We all like to be reminded that people think about us when we're not around, and during particularly low periods of my life I've been grateful to my friend who would tag me in posts about Maisie The Labrador Who Just Loves To Swim. It may not be a heart-to-heart but let's face it: everyone is tired, and most of us are bad at expressing emotions, so we should be eternally thankful that we can show love by writing "lol, this is us" under a cartoon.
To quote Mindy Kaling, "best friend" is a tier, not a person Friendship is not a monogamous relationship; there is room for more than one. A weird juvenile monster will occasionally rear its ugly head when one of your oldest friends makes a new one. No one likes to be told their friend has met "the new Jasmin". But remember, this isn't primary school: your friend and their new pal aren't going to get those Argos necklaces that are two pieces of a heart, leaving you as a third wheel. You'll be fine. In fact, be thankful. I like knowing that my friends have people to go out and party with when I prefer to sit at home with a packet of custard creams and a few episodes of Queer Eye.
When you've known someone for years, try to be confident in the bond you've got. I just sit back knowing they'll call me the next time they want to put their hair in a greasy bun and watch slightly traumatic TV programmes about women who gave birth on the toilet because they didn't realise they were pregnant.
The only way to fight is like siblings As teenagers, a friend and I got into a really vicious fight: long story short, I hit her on the arm with a loaf of bread and it ended with her storming out of the front door.
Ultimately, she returned with a pint of milk, we made some tea and the fight was over. Because unless something truly terrible happens, there's no room for grudges. You will annoy each other, of course, but it's always better to get over it quickly. You also love each other and probably aren't going to end a friendship because one of you said a dress in Topshop was something the ghost of a Victorian child would wear, not realising the other one had the same dress at home.
Real friends don't cancel plans We've reached peak "I love cancelled plans!" culture. Every fast-fashion line carries at least one "Tacos. Netflix. Cancelled Plans. YASSS" T-shirt. And yes, it can feel great to cancel on things you were dreading, and for some it is an important part of maintaining good mental health. But with the exception of that, making a cutesy introversion meme your mantra is no way to live your life.
Commitment is key to maintaining real relationships. I'm sure that my friends didn't actively enjoy the times they came over to see me knowing I was just going to cry because I was too sad to talk, but they turned up, because they know I would do the same for them in a heartbeat.
The best moments aren't always Instagrammable "The closer the friendship, the fewer pictures you have of yourselves together" might sound like an inspirational quote your mum would put on Facebook with the comment "so true xxxx". But your mum would be right. I have about three pictures of me and my friends over the last 12 years; and while I felt terrible when I first realised this, I think it's because we were having so much fun we forgot to take any.
I've learned that friendship is about one-quarter photogenic brunches and nights out to three-quarters 4am talks about your childhood and using their Instagram to look at someone who's blocked you. So don't get rattled by your acquaintance's holiday pictures of their group trip to Santorini when all the pictures you have with your friends resemble poor quality CCTV footage on Crimewatch. It means you're doing it right.
* If you would like a comment on this piece to be considered for inclusion on Weekend magazine's letters page in print, please email <a href="mailto:">weekend@theguardian.com</a>, including your name and address (not for publication). Topics
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Adult friendships can be tricky. They're not as fragile as the friendships of the teenage years, when something as simple as your pal going to Starbucks with someone else can shake your relationship to its foundations; but neither is it like primary school, where you can just go up to someone in the playground and decide you are now best friends for ever.

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

How to be best friends for ever: don't cancel, fight like siblings and make new memories

Nostalgia is overrated

It’s good to have “your thing”

“Best friend” is a tier, not a person

Fight like siblings

Commitment

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Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

How to be best friends for ever: don't cancel, fight like siblings and make new memories

Nostalgia is overrated

It’s good to have “your thing”

“Best friend” is a tier, not a person

Fight like siblings

Commitment

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

Research shows friend groups shrink after age 25. Here's how to keep making new friends even as you get older.

15 Easy Ways to Find and Make Friends as an Adult

4 Keys to Developing and Maintaining Friendships

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career