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How to overcome social anxiety
Taking offense
Most of us have felt offended at a remark. However, we have probably also experienced the shock of finding out that others were offended by our comments, even if we had no intention of hurting them.
We take offense at explicitly rude language directed at us. We also take offense at what was meant or implied by a comment.
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Three types of expectations
Our expectations are mostly formed in the context of our relationships with others. When they are breached, we tend to feel offended.
- Foreseeability expectations. They drive us to expect others to predict the potentially negative impact of their words and actions: "I did not expect to hear this from my friend."
- Reciprocity expectations. They are based on hoping that our favours or kindness are returned in kind.
- Equity expectations. They are about our desire to be treated fairly and equally.
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Taking offense outside personal relationships
We often take offense outside our personal relationships—for example, a comment on Facebook that ridicules or questions something we find important or of value.
We use our values and beliefs to make judgements. Our belief in specific values may be an important part of our identity and explains why we take offense when those values are not respected.
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Avoid causing offense
If you are not sure if you will cause offense, try to put yourself in the shoes of the people you are talking to. Ask yourself if you are saying what they would realistically expect you to say and if you are treating them fairly.
If you feel you take offense too quickly, consider what the offending person may not know about you. Rather than being angry about a comment, remember that they may have a different experience and worldview.
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