You're Not Listening. Here's Why. - Deepstash

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You're Not Listening. Here's Why.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/11/well/family/listening-relationships-marriage-closeness-communication-bias.html

nytimes.com

You're Not Listening. Here's Why.
There's an unconscious tendency to tune out people you feel close to because you think you already know what they are going to say. "You're not listening!" "Let me finish!" "That's not what I said!" After "I love you," these are among the most common refrains in close relationships.

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Closeness-communication bias

Once you know people well enough to feel close, there is a tendency to not listen carefully to them, because you think you already know what they are going to say.

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In a state of constant change

The sum of our daily interactions and activities continually affects us, so that we are not the same as we were the week before or even yesterday.

To accurately understand another person, we have to ask ourselves if this is really what the other person meant, and then to check it.

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Trusting less familiar people

The closeness-communication bias can also keep us from allowing our loved ones to listen to us.

Its human nature to become complacent about the familiar. People will rather confide their most pressing and worrisome concerns to less familiar people because others are more likely to listen carefully, may ask the right questions and are less judging or apt to interrupt.

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What can you do about it

The best way to maintain close relationships is through everyday talk. Don't just reduce conversations to logistics such as what to have for dinner.

When you ask, "How are you?" you have actually to listen to the answer. You can't assume that you already know what's going on.

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Many feel isolated

In a 2018 survey of 20,000 Americans revealed that almost half did not have meaningful in-person social interactions. About the same proportion said they often felt isolated and left out even when others were around.

Electronic devices are also interfering with our ability to listen and understand those closest to us. The best way to overcome this is to put down our phones and then actively listen to what they have to say.

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Active listening

Is a technique for developing our ability to listen, to make a conscious effort to understand what people are really saying.

As a communication technique, it is used in many prof...

Core components of Active Listening

  • Comprehending: To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying.
  • Retaining: To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said.
  • Responding: An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues.

Improving Active Listening skills

  • Educate yourself on common cognitive biases and shortcuts;
  • Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish speaking, then provide a considered response;
  • Minimize conversational narcissism by keeping track of your use of pronouns(I, me);
  • Seek to develop a clear picture of the other person’s logic;

The need for close friendships

We are social beings and we need to create intimacy with other people, for the well-being of our body, mind, and heart.

Close friendships regulate ...

Defining closeness

Close friendships need intimacy and reciprocation to exist.
  • Intimacy means being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others.
  • Reciprocation means that both people feel they are seen and understood by the other person. 

“We think about relationships as things that happen to us, but the truth is that we make them happen.”
“We think about relationships as things that happen to us, but the truth is that we make them happen.”

2 more ideas

Listening requires mental work

We mistake listening as easy because it looks passive and instinctive, but in reality it’s hard work. Really listening (and not just appearing to listen) re...

Mistakes we make in conversations

Our general tendency is to:
  • Evaluate: We judge what someone is saying and agree or disagree.
  • Probe: We ask questions from our own frame of reference.
  • Advise: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
  • Interpret: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

What makes a great listener

  • Asking great questions;
  • Playing attention to the nonverbal communication;
  • Forgoing taking detailed notes to pay better attention;
  • Listening with the intent to understand, not the intent to respond;
  • Making people feel heard;
  • Following up on what matters.