How to Deal With Family Problems

One potential obstruction to conflict resolution in families is differences in how each member responds to stress or tension. These differences must be taken into account and everyone will have to consciously choose to face the issue to truly find a solution.

• For some people, conflict causes them to become hostile and defensive. This is the “fight” aspect of the physiological “fight or flight” response. These individuals may argue endlessly to remove any responsibility from themselves, or refuse to hear others’ points-of-view.
• Others resort to the “flight” aspect. These individuals may run from conflict at all costs. They may deny there’s a problem or believe there’s nothing they can do to resolve it anyway. Such family members may pretend as if they don’t notice any tension in the household, or downplay its effect on them.

Emotional awareness is important in recognizing the unique experience of yourself and others. If you have trouble identifying how you feel, you will have trouble controlling your emotions or expressing your needs during conflict.[6]

• First work on trying to identify your emotions. Consider what thoughts you’re having, what you feel in your body, and what actions you want to take? For example, maybe you’re thinking “I hate this family.” Your fists are clenched and you want to punch something. Such a strong emotion could be labeled as anger or contempt.
• Next, aim to control and ease these strong emotions so that you can effectively problem-solve. Depending on how you’re feeling participate in a complementary activity to ease your discomfort. For example, if you are sad, you might want to watch a funny movie. If you are angry, it might be helpful to vent to a friend or engage in intense physical activity.

Accusing someone of being the cause of the problem will only result in the person becoming defensive, and otherwise, hindering a productive exchange. Always attempt to attack the problem, not the person. You can love, honor, and respect someone without liking every single thing he does. However, if you make your loved one out to be the blame of the issue, progressing beyond this point is difficult.

• Using “I” statements are one of the best strategies for minimizing blame and subsequent defensiveness. Say “I fear that your addiction will lead to someone getting hurt” rather than “Addicts are just dangerous people to be around”