The hidden load: How 'thinking of everything' holds mums back

There are four clear stages of mental work related to household responsibilities: 

• anticipating needs, 
• identifying options, 
• deciding among the options;
• monitoring the results. 

Mothers did more in all four stages, her research showed; while parents often made decisions together, mothers did more of the anticipation, planning and research.

In other words, fathers were informed when it came to decisions, but mothers put in the legwork around them. 

The fact that mothers end up assuming this mental load has consequences: 

• Mothers are more stressed, tired and less happy than fathers;
•  When women thought the distribution of housework was unfair and perceptions of each partner’s contribution differed, it led to marriage problems and increased the likelihood of a split; 
• Many women feel they cannot physically or mentally put in the extra hours demanded by many workplaces, so the gender pay gap continues to widen. 
• Women make up the majority of part-time workers and in turn are less likely to get pay rises or promotions.

Perhaps the best way for women to reduce the mental load is to do less. If the mother stops thinking about what needs to be done and the father does not anticipate these needs, it may initially cause stress or judgement – but that could allow learning for next time. 

Over time, doing less could increase our partner’s involvement and, in turn, free up more of our mental energy to focus on ourselves. At first, we might get judged for it, but it could lead to greater happiness later on. We all learn from doing, after all.