In this book, Devora Zack shared that everyone falls somewhere in between Cacti or Snowflake personality. This will effect on how we think, perceive, react even how we speak.Knowing where we are in this personality continuum, also where our peers, family and friends in this spectrum will help us to temper our response. And this will improve our relationships in life and in work.

Working With Both And Thrive Together

In general, snowflake 'feel' and cacti more rational. About 60% women towards to snowflake and 70% men to cacti, so we cannot just assume based on gender. Carl Jung's typologi also said that everyone are somewhere in between. This also may shift througout our life and no such anyone is superior 'place' to any other.

Everyone Is Either Snowflake, Cactus Or Somewhere In Between

Finding where you and others doesnt mean you need to change people, but to know how to deal with them.See below questions and pick which one you prefer:<ol><li>Your daily to-do list OR make someone else's day</li><li>For someone you'll never see again, do you care whether they like you OR you strive to have good image</li><li>Work with direct people OR connected people</li><li>Direct OR diplomatic</li><li>Intellect and skill OR emphaty</li><li>Lead with head OR heart</li><li>Teams following procedure or teams that feel safe and value effectiveness</li><li>Leader is ability or caring</li><li>Contribute directly or by dealing with people10.</li></ol>

Find Where You And Others Are

10. Under pressure, attention and firmness OR caring and comsoderation?11. Reason OR compassion12. Share a bad news plainly OR trying to lighten the impact13. Analytical OR appreciative14. Decide based on logic and fairness OR kindness and feeling15. Value more plain truth and objectivity OR peace and belonging Count how many questions you pick on first option, more first options means more cactus you are. You rely on head,logic and fairness.More number of second options means you fall more toward snowflake. You value peace, emphaty and relationship.Or you are in between, the bridge-builder.

Take perspective of others to find the balance. Cacti might see snowflakes as illogical, but snowflakes see cacti as lack of care.Treat people not only as you would have them treat you but also as they would like to be treated. Say a simple hello and have a small talk will make a snowflake smiles and feel respected, while direct conversation works better with cacti.Knowing well how to treat people based on their personality will differentiate you from others who dont know how to do so.

Dont Stereotype, Have Consious Bias And Never Demeaning Others

Focus your attention on fine-tuning yourself rather than futilely attempting to fix others. Same experience may be perceived differently by snowflake and cacti.A group exchange in high energy can be perceived as spirited discussion by cacti but also as a potential conflict by snowflakes.

Same Event, Different Perspective

Control your thinking, what you say and what you do. If you tend to snowflake, trust your feeling. If you are cacti, leverage your logic. If you are a leader, surround your self with intermix of type. Build a team with a bit balance in number of snowflake and cacti.

Self Improve For Better Interactions

Cater your language, use both personality in the right moment. I.e. in meeting, cacti style sometimes is more needed. However, in delivering performance review, snowflake style is needed.

Watch How You Speak

The shadow facet of our personality isn the hidden part of ourselves woth which we dont consiously identify. Awareness of yourself and others allow for interventions that might prevent a shadow state from dominating. In these critical condition, acknowledge people's feelings, ask how you can help and work on coping strategies with them.

Know Your Trigger

Knowing where we are, and strive side by sise

This hilarious and profound workplace guide proves the rigorously rational and the supremely sympathetic can meet in the middle and merge their strengths. Readers will discover how blending with their opposite opens the pathway to being their truest selves. The famed Myers-Briggs personality scale says that Feelers (who lead with their hearts) put more weight on personal concerns and the people involved, and Thinkers (who lead with their heads) are guided by objective principles and impartial facts. This book calls them Cacti and Snowflakes—each singularly transcendent. But can people with such fundamentally different ways of making sense of and engaging with the world work together? Yes, says Devora Zack! The key is not to try to change each other. Zack says we can directly control only three things: what we say, what we think, and what we do. The best use of our energy is to focus on our own reactions and perceptions rather than try to “fix” other people. This book includes an assessment so readers can learn where they are on the Thinker/Feeler spectrum—and because it's a spectrum, readers might well be a snowcactus or a cactusflake. Then Zack helps them figure out where other people might be, guiding them through a myriad of modes of communication and motivation based on personality type. She includes real-life scenarios that show how to nurture one's nature while successfully connecting with those on the other side. As always, Zack fearlessly and entertainingly dispels myths, squashes stereotypes, and transforms perceived liabilities into strengths. And she once again affirms that, like chocolate and peanut butter, we are better together.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

books

Books

This hilarious and profound workplace guide proves the rigorously rational and the supremely sympathetic can meet in the middle and merge their strengths. Readers will discover how blending with their opposite opens the pathway to being their truest selves. Carl Jung's personality typology introduced the distinction that Feelers (who lead with their hearts) put more weight on personal concerns and the people involved, and Thinkers (who lead with their heads) are guided by objective principles and impartial facts. This book calls them Cacti and Snowflakes—each singularly transcendent. But can people with such fundamentally different ways of making sense of and engaging with the world work together? Yes, says Devora Zack! The key is not to try to change each other. Zack says we can directly control only three things: what we say, what we think, and what we do. The best use of our energy is to focus on our own reactions and perceptions rather than try to “fix” other people. This book includes an assessment so readers can learn where they are on the Thinker/Feeler spectrum—and because it's a spectrum, readers might well be a snowcactus or a cactusflake. Then Zack helps them figure out where other people might be, guiding them through a myriad of modes of communication and motivation based on personality type. She includes real-life scenarios that show how to nurture one's nature while successfully connecting with those on the other side. As always, Zack fearlessly and entertainingly dispels myths, squashes stereotypes, and transforms perceived liabilities into strengths. And she once again affirms that, like chocolate and peanut butter, we are better together.

Devora Zack

The Cactus and Snowflake at Work

<ol><li>Forgive</li><li>Love and serve others</li><li>It’s always too early to quit</li><li>Accept your circumstances</li><li>Choose your response</li><li>Lead by example</li><li>There is a great illness in our society: want</li><li>Understand that there is no “there”</li><li>Stop WHYning!</li><li>Exercise your Power of Choice</li></ol>

10 Principles for Taking Charge of Life

Not as a favor to others or because you’re holy, but to set yourself free. As long as you hate or hold a grudge against someone, you are their prisoner. They are in control of your life and you’ve given them that power. They may be long gone, have forgotten about you, or even be dead, but if they can still make you think of them in anger, you are their prisoner.Forgive and set yourself free.

1. Forgive.

We don’t have to like everyone or agree with what they say or do, but we can love one another. I’ve found when you serve others in need, your own problems are diminished.

2. Love and serve others

You never know what’s around the next bend, when the door will open for you or what angels are out there working on your behalf. “Failure” no longer exists in my vocabulary. Failure can only become a reality the moment you choose to give up.

3. It’s always too early to quit

Really accept them. Once you accept what is, you can begin to see what’s possible.

4. Accept your circumstances

You may not always be able to choose your circumstances, but you can always choose your response. This is the key to happiness. I am living proof that when you choose your response, it is possible to be happy and at peace even in the most horrendous of circumstances. You really get to choose whether to be happy or sad, grateful or angry, at peace or hate-filled by choosing your response. The circumstance becomes inconsequential.

5. Choose your response

If you want something changed, do it yourself. Don’t sit around and complain. Take action or stop complaining. The respect of others comes from what we do, not what we say.

6. Lead by example

When you believe you need what you want, you feel empty, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, restless. Take a moment to look around you, however, and count your blessings. This will fill the void of want you confuse with need.

7. There is a great illness in our society: want

There is no place to get to or position to attain where everything is perfect. We are always striving to get “there”… and missing here, now. We put off our happiness and joy today in our pursuit of getting “there.”

8. Understand that there is no “there” 

Asking “Why” is not a very useful question. It’s whiney and complaining and rarely yields a satisfactory answer. I’ve found a better question to ask is, “What for?” For what purpose is this happening? What am I to learn from this circumstance or do with the knowledge I gained?

9. Stop WHYning! 

So often you say, “I had no choice.” There is always a choice. The problem is, you may not like the options, so you say you have no choice. Don’t imprison yourself with the myth that you are not choosing your life. You are at every moment. So choose consciously.

10. Exercise your Power of Choice

1. Forgive. Not as a favor to others or because you're holy, but to set yourself free. As long as you hate or hold a grudge against someone, you are their

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

communication

Communication

10 Principles For Taking Charge Of Life | Inspire Me Today®

WHAT IS THE POWER?

THE POWER ~ Rhonda Byrne

"There is a supreme power and ruling force which 
pervades and rules the boundless universe. You are a part of this power."

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Life is simple. Your life is made up of only two kinds of things - positive things and negative things.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Every person who has a great life used Love which is cause of everything good in life to achieve it. It is the power!!</li><li class="ql-align-justify">"Love is an element which though physically unseen is as real as air or water. It is an acting, living, moving force ... it moves in waves and currents like those of the ocean."</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Without love, there is no life. Whatever you see that is a human creation would not be there without love. Everything you want to be, do, or have comes from love.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">That power - Love - is inside you!</li></ul>

The Force Of Love

"Take away love and our earth is a tomb"

<ul><li>Even though that power - love - is inside you, why isn't your life amazing? The answer is: because you have a choice. </li><li>You have a 
choice whether to love and harness the positive force - or not. And whether you realize it or not, every moment of your life you have been making this 
choice. </li><li>Love is the cause of all the good things in your life, 
and a lack of love is the cause of all the negative things andall the pain and suffering.</li></ul>

<ul><li>The universe is governed by natural laws. To harness the positive force of love, you must understand the most powerful law in the 
universe - the law of attraction.</li><li>Attraction is the force that draws you to your favorite things and places and people to other people. The force of attraction 
is the force of love! Attraction is love. </li><li>The law of attraction says: like attracts 
like. Whatever you give out in life is what you receive back in life. </li><li>"To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."</li><li>Give positivity, you receive back positivity; give negativity, 
you receive back negativity.﻿﻿</li></ul>

The Law Of Love

"Give, and it will be given to you ... for by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

<ul><li>It's your thoughts that determine whether your words 
and actions will be positive or negative. But how do you know whether your thoughts are positive or negative? Your 
thoughts are positive when they are thoughts of what you want and love! And negative thoughts are thoughts of what you don't want and don't love. It is that simple and that easy.
</li></ul>

"Whether humanity will consciously follow the law of love, I do not know. But that need not disturb me. The law will work just as the law of gravitation works whether we accept it or not."

<ul><li>You have to talk about what you love, to bring what you love to you.</li><li>If you parrot negative things, you are literally jailing yourself, like a parrot in a cage. Every time you talk about what you don't love, 
adding another bar to the cage and locking yourself away from all the good.</li><li>People who have great lives talk more about what they 
love. By doing so, they gain unlimited access to all the good in life, and they are as free as the birds that soar in the sky.
</li><li>To have a great life, break the bars of the cage ; give love, talk only about what you love, and love will set you free!</li></ul>

TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU LOVE

"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

<ul><li>Nothing is impossible for the force of love. No matter who you are, no matter what situation you may be facing, the force of love can set you free. </li><li>You have to feel love to harness its power!</li></ul>

You are meant to have an amazing life! This is the handbook to the greatest power in the Universe - The Power to have anything you want. Every discovery, invention, and human creation comes fromThe Power. Perfect health, incredible relationships, a career you love, a life filled with happiness, and the money you need to be, do, and have everything you want, all come fromThe Power. The life of your dreams has always been closer to you than you realized, because The Power -to have everything good in your life - is inside you. To create anything, to change anything, all it takes is just onething…THE POWER.

You are meant to have an amazing life! This is the handbook to the greatest power in the Universe - The Power to have anything you want. Every discovery, invention, and human creation comes fromThe Power. Perfect health, incredible relationships, a career you love, a life filled with happiness, and the money you need to be, do, and have everything you want, all come fromThe Power. The life of your dreams has always been closer to you than you realized, because The Power -to have everything good in your life - is inside you. To create anything, to change anything, all it takes is just onething…THE POWER.

Rhonda Byrne is an Australian television writer and producer, best known for her New Thought works, The Secret—a book and a film by the same name. By the Spring of 2007 the book had sold almost 4 million copies, and the DVD had sold more than 2 million copies. She has also been a producer for Sensing Murder. According to an article published by Australia's Herald Sun, Byrne has also worked on the Australian TV series World's Greatest Commercials and Marry Me. In 2007, Byrne was listed among Time Magazine's list of 100 people who shape the world.

Rhonda Byrne

The Power

Do boys wants to be loved? What normal people (Most of the people) answers is "Yes! Of course, they are living beings also. Even boys receive more love than Girls". But it is not that true all the times. You can easily observe people saying that boys are tough. They are bold. They do not want love. All they need is Bravery, Strength...all that. Ask yourself, is that true? It was true when a king wants his son to be next heir. Not today.How will you define a BAD_BOY? A boy who is rude, insults other, don't respect girls...all that. But deep down this boys is BAD because he was not much loved.

What are love issues with boys?

In his childhood, boys don't care about anything. All he want is someone/something to play with. soon after, he can realize that his mother and father will love him and take care of him. But problem starts, when is starts to understand things. For example, if his father brought her daughter a new dress and don't asked for him, he will get upset and starts hating(more specific, dislike) both his father and sister. And it is obvious. It this happens to him for more time, he will think that he is bad or his father don't love him. From here real changes begins that lead him to choose wrong path.

Let's Start from Beginning

You can see some boys are cool and funny around. And some other boys are very rude and Stone-hearted. Why this? Because they are not that much loved. And thus, they accept the way that love has nothing to do. Then in order to fulfil their desire, they starts to involve in wrong doings. This is where a boy forces a girl to satisfy his desire. You know what I'm talking about. And I accept that this is not right. What I want to tell all boys is that they should not do this kind of shameful activity. This will leave a bad spot on manhood. Understand that in ancient times, men were Gentleman.

Why some boys are bad?

When a girl fell in love, she loves it to the core. Same is for boys. I accept that some boys are not open in expressing their love. Some boys are rude toward their girl. And some boys are Z+ bodyguard of their girls. Difference is common cause of nature. You can't avoid it. But what you can control is your love for them. A girl want love and affection from boy and vice-versa. Variation can be seen when a boy approaches a girl. Some are 'Once in a life', other are 'Do as more as you can'. Both have same background. Less loved more bad times. That's why, boy tries to approach by doing shits.

Boy and Girl relationship.

He will either try to become an alpha male or do some non-sense things to get the girl. But his intentions are not bad. He want love from that girl. If she rejects him, then he will start to bother her. Why he is doing this? Read the next idea.

continue...

After marriage(or before) some men tries to suppress their wives either mentally or physically. Why? Because the are not taught how to respect women. It is very Important for man to understand that HE SHOULD RESPECT WOMAN. And this is the responsibility of a father to teach his son. All that boys who suppress their girls are either overprotective or are not taught to respect girls.What to do? Ask their friends/parent/elders to teach them the same. Or do whatever it takes to make them understand that it is sinful activity to disrespect someone.

Why some man tries to Suppress her Wife.

A father is role model for a boy. Because his father has reputation in society and so his boy want. Some fathers are open and express their love, while some are not that open and their boy think that he do not love him. According to a Study, Girls receive more love from father than boy. And this lead to change in behavior of a boy. This boy now feel separated from his father. He starts disrespect his father and ends up with fight. On the other hand,  a father is strict toward his boy because he want him to be in control.What you need to understand is that your boy also wants your attention.

Father - Son relationship.

In India, I live is a society where a boy don't exist if he is not employed. And in a middle class family, boy has much responsibilities to do. You can relate this if you're also a middle class boy. Your parents expects a lot from you. Also your parents are busy in earning a livelihood. Thus they can't spare enough time for you. And you think that you are not loved.What you have to understand that all you have to focus on your academics. Don't focus on any other thing. Your parents loves you more that you think. Make them feel proud to be your parent. Get a job, then see the changes.

A middle Class Boy.

A boy need to understand this world works in a balance. You respect girls, girls will respect you. You love your parent(no matter how hard they are on you), your parent will love you. Love and respect are meant to be earned not purchased. As a boy your responsibility is to be strong enough to gain some reputation in society. I will not write about responsibilities of a boy. You know that stuff. What I want to focus is that no matter how bad people treat you, you must be polite and soft towards other. That will make you GENTLEMEN.

A boy

1. You have to be a son, not a man in front of your parent.2. Your girl is your second half. Respect her, take care of her, don't bother her.3. Rejection is okay. Learn to bear it. Don't bother if she rejected you. Different person have different views for other. Accept it and move on.4. Achieve something in your life. Don't waste your life watching porn or other wrong things.5. Learn to hide you anger. This can save you from many bad situations.6. No matter how physical fir you are. If can't take care of your family, it is useless.7. Be a GENTLEMAN. This is upto you, how you achieve this.

Understand These Things.

In this stash I would like to talk about love issues faced by a boy in society. My intentions are not bad. I'm not comparing boys with girls. At some point you may feel like comparison but it is not. And I accept that for parent both boy and girl are equal. In this stash I am talking about why some boys are rude and are not that accepted. I beg your pardon if any of my view has hurted your feeling.

mindfulness

Mindfulness

Love and respect Issues with Boys!!

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. … Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

What Is Forgiveness

Forgiveness typically involves:Letting go of anger or resentment you’re holding on to. Some amount of empathy towards the person who hurt you. Not necessarily reconciling or going back to the same relationship as before.

What Does It Involve

There are several reasons: Less stress, better for your mental health and self esteem. But it's difficult because we often believe forgiveness means lack of justice or weakness. And we're sometimes forced to forgive before we're ready.

Why Forgive?

Self-forgiveness can lead to the improvement of both relationship and partner satisfaction. Being more benevolent towards oneself after transgressing can promote a better relationship, and accepting responsibility for one’s wrongdoing

What About Self-Forgiveness

What is forgiveness really all about? Some see it as healing and 
restorative, and others view it as harmful and invalidating. This episode 
is covering some of the studies that have been done about forgiveness while 
we look at its benefits and potential pitfalls.

342 - To Forgive or Not To Forgive — Multiamory

A form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673">emotional abuse </a>where the abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative. It causes the victims to distrust their own perceptions of the world.It primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it's also common in friendships or among family members.

Gaslighting

The term comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as "Angle Street".It's about a manipulative husband who tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind. One of the acts of his manipulation is dimming the flame on a gas lamp.

The Term "Gaslighting"?

People who gaslight others may have mental health disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). They use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others in order to manipulate people.

Why People Gaslight?

<a href="http://www.imedpub.com/articles/the-cognitive-neuroscience-of-narcissism.php?aid=22149">Several researchers</a> determined that the opposite of narcissistic personality disorder is empathy.From this determination, I am giving a theory that the cause of self-gaslighting might come from being too empathy. The ability to sympathize with people and their perspectives make them easily understand and forgive people's actions. This makes them think that there's nothing wrong with the other person so they start to think themselves as the problem.

Self-Gaslighting

These are some discoveries that have aided me in comprehending it and attempting to overcome it.

Gaslighting is a covert form of emotional abuse that makes people think they are losing their sanity. Learn about the warning signs of gaslighting.

Ways to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

The egocentric bias causes us to think that our own perspectives are more important when considering events, ideas, and beliefs. For example, we tend to overestimate the amount we contributed to a team project.
The bias can make it more challenging to understand other people's perspectives. It can cause us to misinterpret situations and make poor judgements.

The egocentric bias

People tend to exaggerate their role in a situation, but the exaggeration is not limited to egocentric individuals. Psychologists are discovering that a somewhat skewed view of reality is a universal trait that affects all people.
The reason we suffer from this cognitive bias is apparent: We are more aware of our own behaviours, causing us to view events from our own perspective. Our experiences are also more personally relevant and, therefore, easier to recall.

Why we focus on our own perspective

<ul>
<li>Develop an awareness of the egocentric bias. It will help you to understand why people act in certain ways.</li>
<li>Explore alternative viewpoints. Viewing a situation from another person's perspective can reduce the effects of the egocentric bias.</li>
<li>Apply self-distancing language. Change from the first to the third person when describing a situation. </li>
<li>Ask for feedback instead of relying on your own perception of a situation. Ask your colleagues, friends, and family to tell you how they think you are doing.</li>
</ul>

How to reduce the egocentric bias

The egocentric bias is a common cognitive bias that causes us to rely too much on our own perspective when considering events, ideas, and beliefs. It can make it harder to understand other people’s perspectives, and can cloud our judgement when making decisions.

problemsolving

Problem Solving

Egocentric bias: why we feel like the main character in our own movie

We cannot become “a self” in a social vacuum. We shape each other’s characters and expand or limit their opportunity for growth through social interaction in real time, all the time. Messages we receive from birth about who we are define what person we become. Neurons in our brains form intricate pathways as a consequence of our engagement with the social world and at a cellular level, our selves are shaped by the messages we receive about our place in the world.

It Is Not Possible For A Person To Exist Alone

If denied social stimulation, infants fail to develop physically and mentally. This is why children in care, or subject to an atmosphere devoid of love, find it hard to thrive in the world. If a young person’s social interactions instil a sense of being unwanted or unworthy of love it is not possible to conceive oneself as anything other than worthless. If we believe we have no inherent sense of self-worth we will behave in ways that sustain this belief. Behind every successful human being is at least one successful relationship; a touchstone around which a stable sense of self can develop.

There Are No Atomized Individuals, Only Persons In Relation

Our society embraces a contradictory maxim: “we exist alone, in competition with each other”. Accordingly, the less we rely upon each other, the more free we are. The more “independent” we are, the more liberated we become. This is a myth so pervasively held that there’s little room to consider its absurdity. This conception promotes an idea that needing others is a pathology and not a fundamental human motivation as demonstrated in oodles of psychological research around belongingness.

“It’s Just Me, Myself And I, Solo Ride Until I Die”

Further, research demonstrates that developing a sense of social identity is what makes us human. Meaningful group life is essential to our health; without it our humanity is diminished. See evidence from the social identity paradigm of Alex Haslam and colleagues. In the most basic sense, groups make life worth living, and they are what we live for. As observed by Neil Ansell in his book, Deep Country: “we gain our sense of self from our interaction with other people; from the reflection of ourselves we see in the eyes of another.”

Groups And Groupies

Contrary to popular contention, the individualism of today did not arise during the Enlightenment. The idea was embedded at the birth of modern civilisation. According to Horkheimer and Adorno, Homer’s epics, the Iliad and Odyssey, are the founding texts of western society. The cultures of Ancient Sparta and Athens were framed around the idea of the heroic individual, whose “great deeds” are attained through valour, virtue and conquering one’s competitors.

The Heroic Individual

Throughout history, the veneration of heroic individuals and their “great deeds” has been an ever-present spectre and is observable in the espoused ideologies of 21st century leaders. According to UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, society is underpinned by a process of “shaking the pack” to ensure the best individuals rise to the top. Johnson believes that FTSE 100 CEOs were born with high intelligence and destined for greatness; by implication a person growing up in a neglectful home fails at school because they, as an individual, aren’t very bright.

Shaking The Pack To Rise To The  Top

Our institutional cultures are shaped by these conceptions. The way governments, businesses and schools are “managed” provide stark evidence. In his book, The Power Of Giving Away Power, Michael Barzun shows how a “Pyramid” leadership mindset dominates our institutions and unconsciously shapes our thinking. This is characterised by dependence on a “great leader” who sits at the top of a hierarchy and whose goal is “extracting power from individuals for the purposes of simplification and single-mindedness”.

The Pyramid Mindset

What is the impact of the Pyramid mindset that shapes our institutions? Those in power decide for themselves how to define great deeds and what determines how to measure them. This has horrific consequences as it sits beside another assumption; that the superior can conceive the inferior as tools instead of persons. It’s a story that began in pre-history and shaped the Hellenistic world, migrated across the Roman Empire, was re-hashed during the early Christian era, carried through the Reformation and the Enlightenment and into the industrial age.

Judge, Jury And Executioner

The narrative has deep historical roots. Aristotle believed in “natural slavery” and thought it acceptable to treat social inferiors as “living tools”. St. Augustine preached a doctrine of “passive obedience” and the need for the superior to rule via God’s elected clergy. Kant pointed out the tendency for those wielding power to treat others as a “means” to achieve their own ends. In the 20th century, Fascist and Communist dogmatists reduced human beings to functions; to automatons in service of the great deeds of statesman who knew what was best for all humanity.

Natural Slaves, Living Tools

Today, far from laying aside these pernicious ideas, we have repackaged them. What has emerged is an individualism expressed in fashionable consumption and a willingness to perceive ourselves as commodities; as products in a marketplace. It’s a modern religion most have bought into.

Self-Ownership And Self-Commodification

No man is an island, entire of itself;  every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.  If a clod be washed away by the sea,  Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,  as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were:  any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind,  and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

No Man Is An Island

On the eternal war and deadlock between the Self and the Other. 

We Don’t Exist Without Each Other

Trying to help someone change can be sanity-straining. Even when people face serious health scares they often don’t do enough to alter their habits, like they’re stuck on some monorail track of doom.People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others.Change happens when people talk themselves into change. You trying to do it is often counterproductive.

You Can't Change People By Telling Them What They Should Do

People are simultaneously smarter and dumber than you think. They often know what they’re doing is bad. They’re not usually lacking information. The issue is motivation. Overcoming ambivalence. Once people get motivated, they often make the change themselves with little help.So how do we motivate them and get them to commit to change? <a href="https://geni.us/motivinter">Motivational Interviewing</a>.

People Are Unpredictable

We all want help but we want to retain our autonomy even more. So just telling people what to do rarely works. We often think expressing our lovely opinions is all it takes, but that just creates resistance. Telling people what to do is the opposite of empathy.If you’re arguing for change and they’re pushing back, you’re doing it wrong. When we give people freedom and control, they relax.

Nobody Likes To Be Told What To Do

Don’t tell them to change. Evoke the reasons for change that are already in their head and support those. This is what motivates people to make a shift without resistance.The first step is asking people about their values. When you understand what people value, you know what motivates them. And when people hear themselves saying what they believe, they have a natural desire to be more consistent with that. This is the leverage we’re going to use going forward.

Telling Without Telling: Let's Talk About Values

The four primary skills of Motivational Interviewing are: 1) asking Open questions, 2) Affirming strengths, 3) Reflective listening, and 4) Summarizing.

Use “OARS”

Open questions are questions that can’t be answered with a single word. They often start with “what”, “how” or “why.” This gets people talking, provides you with information and allows them to feel understood. Most importantly for MI(motivational interviewing), it lets them lead versus you starting a 12-part lecture series on the importance of exercise.

 Open Questions

Asking question after question can turn a conversation into an interrogation and provoke defensiveness. So you want to use reflective listening about twice as often as you ask. This is our most commonly used tool in MI. Basically, it’s making a guess about what the person means, to reflect what they just said. “So you’re feeling uncomfortable.” This clarifies and communicates understanding.Taking a cue from therapists, it also helps to ask them how they felt, while you listen to their stories.

Reflective Listening

Just listening to people isn’t going to get them to change. Heck, it’s equally likely to get them to talk themselves into not changing. What you reflect is a strategic choice. You’re not shining the spotlight on everything they say; you get to pick. By what we choose to reflect, we can move the conversation in a direction to achieve our goal. In general, you want to reflect “change talk” and ignore “sustain talk.” That’s the witchery that separates MI(Motivational Interviewing) from merely listening.

Changing Vs Sustaining

To recognize and highlight the positive about the other person, their good traits and intentions. By affirming, you’re building their confidence. Keep giving positive feedback while listening, and build up their latent strength, which is now surfacing.

Affirming The Strengths

With this final step, you’re drawing together what they’ve said and presenting it to them. It’s a more muscular version of reflection. You’re giving them an overview of their position but in a more structured fashion vs the ambivalent mess in their head. It shows you’re paying attention and understanding. We can use the same reflection-Jedi-Mind-Trick here. There’s power in what you choose to highlight. You’re not just summarizing — you’re subtly building a case for change but with their own words.

Summarizing

People become more committed to what they hear themselves say. You don’t want to deny “sustain talk”. You want to evoke and explore their “change talk”.  Change talk takes the form of DARN: Desire, Ability, Reasons, Need. You want to elicit these types of statements because they will move people in the direction of change:Desire: “I want to lose weight.”Ability: “I want to run a marathon but don’t think I can do it.”Reasons: “I want to exercise so I can have more energy.”Need: “I need to get in better shape.”

From Sustaining To Changing: The DARN Method

We can’t push too hard. Remember, threatening autonomy creates resistance. We need to evoke these statements from them.Use DARN questions to evoke some DARN change talk so they’ll change their darn behavior!<ul><li>“How do you want your life to be different a year from now?” provokes Desire statements.</li><li>“If you did really decide you want to lose weight, how could you do it?” can get Ability responses.</li><li>“Why would you want to get more exercise?” gets you Reasons.</li><li>“How serious or urgent does this feel to you?” evokes Need.</li></ul>

The DARN Questions

Research show one of the primary motivators for change is someone noticing the discrepancy between their goals and their behavior. It’s uncomfortable. And to relieve that discomfort, our behaviors usually change before our values do.You usually don’t need to point out discrepancy. They’ll usually do it themselves with enough discussion. Again, don’t say it; evoke it.

Develop Discrepancy

A good way is merely asking them what they know about the subject at hand: “Tell me what you already know about alcohol and how it affects people.” No demonizing – they’ll probably do that for you. You’re not lecturing or telling them to change. They’ll likely start the DARN process on their own.

Reverse Psychology: Let Them Do Your Work

The best way to get people’s confidence up is to ask them about previous challenges they successfully overcame.“What changes have you made in your life that were difficult for you? Or what things have you managed to do that you weren’t really sure at first you would be able to do?”Ask them about how it happened and reflect their strengths and positive traits back to them. Then you can roll this straight into the current issue.“Suppose that you did succeed, and were looking back on it now. What most likely is it that worked? How did it happen?”

Evoke Hope

So your methods have worked and they’re imagining positive outcomes. Now’s the time to hit them with the key question to build a plan:“So what’s next?”You’re not pressuring them; you’re curious. Give them a big pause here to let it sink in. If everything has gone well, they should respond with some DARN change talk at the nuts and bolts level.“That’s what I’m going to do: designate 6PM to 8PM for studying.”

Starting The Change Plan

The final step is to help them troubleshoot. You want to present potential problems so that they can offer fixes. “If X happens, what do you think you’ll do?” The goal isn’t to stump them. It’s to strengthen the plan and to get them thinking resourcefully so they feel ready when something (inevitably) goes awry. If they immediately start coming up with solutions, they’re ready. Success.At this point you’ll want to lean back, tent your fingers and smirk. Don’t. Instead, be happy for them.

The Last Step: Troubleshooting

How do you get people to change? We usually go about it all wrong. Here's what the science says can help you persuade others...

This Is How To Get People To Change: 5 Secrets From Research - Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Every day you face battles--that is the reality for all creatures in their struggle to survive. But the greatest battle of all is with yourself--your weaknesses, your emotions, your lack of resolution in seeing things through to the end.

SPIRITUALIZE YOUR WARFARE

You must declare unceasing war on yourself. As a warrior in life, you welcome combat and conflict as ways to prove yourself, to better your skills, to gain courage, confidence, and experience. Instead of repressing your doubts and fears, you must face them down, do battle with them. You want more challenges, and you invite more war. You are forging the warrior's spirit, and only constant practice will lead you there. <a href="https://tinyurl.com/2qya96fr">LISTEN TO THE PODCAST HERE </a>

Battle your weakness

Extracted from the podcast : the warrior Within by life upgrade

Life is hard.Life is challenging.Life is mostly too difficult for many of us to handle We Push through oppositions, struggle for relevance and fight for limited opportunities.But many people give up and stop fighting settling for a life of mediocrity.If  we can only realize that there’s a warrior Within us that seeks expression, that aggressive part of us that is activated in moments of vengeance, pain or life threatening situation. If we can connect to the warrior Within us and channel that aggressive energy to the right stuff we can become almost unstoppable. This episode is for those who want to put up a fight against every limitation and challenges that's making thier life empty and frustrating.Listen to this episode and become an upgraded version of yourself.Listen on all podcast player : http://bit.ly/fopodcThat is your legacy on this Earth when you leave this Earth: how many hearts you touched.Support us by giving a donation so we can continue to impact the world  for free. These donations will help us to upgrade our studio gadgets and help us to render high sound and video quality DONATE : https://barter.me/fulfillmentobi This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fulfillmentobi.substack.com

The Warrior Within You - become an unstoppable force

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