Humans have a special talent for complicating simplicity. We make a spectacle out of simple.

Energy management beats time management.

Your memories of perfect moments are memories of moments in which you were most present.

When you ruminate, you mistake replay for reflection. When you catastrophize, you mistake worrying for preparation.

You don’t heal by changing who you are; you heal by learning how to be yourself in the world.

It was never the terrible things that happened to you that made you stronger; it was the resiliency-building skills you engaged to process the terrible things. What doesn’t kill you can make you stronger, but only if you feel your feelings, process your experience (i.e., figure out what the experience means to you), and engage the protective factors around you—mainly, the power of connection.

Sometimes you say a thought out loud to give it weight because it matters. Sometimes you say a thought out loud to let it go because it's trivial. Until you let the words hit the air, it can be difficult to tell which is which.

You can perfectly paint by numbers without making a single mistake, but you'll never create a masterpiece that way.

For perfectionists struggling with emotional perfectionism, everything is timed and measured. They attempt to control their feelings like a volume knob, and not just the "bad" ones.

It’s not mere talent that rises to the top, it’s persistence.

Enthusiasm itself will not be enough to sustain an endeavor.

Exploration doesn’t need to culminate in bullet-pointed certainty about anything. Thoughts and feelings don’t need to operate with an itinerary. It’s okay to hold something for a long time, look at it, turn it over, feel it, think about it, turn it over again, talk about it, write about it, and then look up and say, “I don’t know.” It’s okay to not have closure.

You will never experience the future; you’re always and only in the present moment. If you’re waiting on the future to feel joy, you will never feel joy.

A lot of perfectionists think they're driven by success when what they're really driven by is the avoidance of failure-two very different animals.

<ul><li>Intense perfectionists: laser-focused on a goal and will do whatever it takes to get there.</li><li>Classic perfectionists: highly reliable, consistent, detail-oriented, but they can struggle with meaningful connections.</li><li>Parisian perfectionists: strongly driven by connection with others and can have people-pleasing tendencies.</li><li>Procrastinator perfectionists: great at preparing and using impulse control but struggle with starting or finishing out of fear it won’t be perfect.</li><li>Messy perfectionists: they love starting with unbridled ideas and energy but struggle to maintain momentum when the excitement wanes.</li></ul>

Five types of perfectionists

From psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, an invitation to every “recovering perfectionist” to challenge the way they look at perfectionism, and the way they look at themselves. We’ve been looking at perfectionism all wrong. As psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google Katherine Morgan Schafler argues in The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, you don’t have to stop being a perfectionist to be healthy. For women who are sick of being given the generic advice to “find balance,” a new approach has arrived. Which of the five types of perfectionist are you? Classic, intense, Parisian, messy, or procrastinator? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing it, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism. Yes, enjoy! Full of stories and brimming with humor, empathy, and depth, this book is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving, full-of-life clients who filled the author’s private practice, and who changed her life. It’s a clarion call for all women to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful. Ultimately, this book will show you how to make the single greatest trade you’ll ever make in your life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power.

productivity

Productivity

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

mindfulness

Mindfulness

mentalhealth

Mental Health

books

Books

Katherine Morgan Schafler

The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control

Emotional intelligence (also known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.

What Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ

As we know, it’s not the smartest people who are the most successful or the most fulfilled in life. You probably know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially inept and unsuccessful at work or in their personal relationships. Intellectual ability or your intelligence quotient (IQ) isn’t enough on its own to achieve success in life. Yes, your IQ can help you get into college, but it’s your EQ that will help you manage the stress and emotions when facing your final exams. IQ and EQ exist in tandem and are most effective when they build off one another.

The Importance Of Emotional Intelligence

<ol><li>Self-management . You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.</li><li>Self-awareness . You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.</li></ol>

The 4 Key Skills To Emotional Intelligence

3. Social awareness . You have empathy. You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.4. Relationship management . You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

It’s important that you learn how to manage stress first, so you’ll feel more comfortable reconnecting to strong or unpleasant emotions and changing how you experience and respond to your feelings. You can develop your emotional awareness by using HelpGuide’s free <a href="https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-toolkit.htm">Emotional Intelligence Toolkit </a>.

Developing Emotional Awareness

Using these 4 key skills, you can improve your emotional intelligence and increase your success at work, school, and in your relationships.

meditation

Meditation

Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Expert Guide

understand the technique of a manipulator <ol><li>Pay attention to their words and actions</li><li>Recognise the signs of manipulation</li><li>Be aware of body language</li><li>Be confident</li><li>Ask clarifying questions </li><li>Focus on facts </li><li>Keep your cool.</li></ol>

First Of All

Identify the situations or words that most often make you defensive and reactive. A manipulator will use this information against you. If you can think about what triggers you the most, you can preemptively learn not to be so affected by them. When they try to use it during a heated conversation, those words will not give up their power so easily.

1. Know Your Trigger

Take time to practice controlling your emotions when presented with difficult situations. This may include delaying your response or allowing someone to run their mouth a bit, even if what they say is untrue and unkind. Controlling your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t respond; it just means you control when and how you respond.

2. Practice Self-control

Be familiar with what steps you can take if things become too much. An exit plan could mean asking for a break or leaving the house so you can get some space. Often, it can feel scary to use your exit plan for fear of what they will say. Remember, you get to choose how people talk to you, and you can leave if they don’t respect your boundaries.

3. Have An Exit Plan

No matter how they attempt to manipulate you, you can still assert your right to respect, boundaries, and space. Your value, lovability, and importance are inherent. You may feel quite the opposite if you have been belittled for a long time. Know that what they say is simply false.

4. Remind Yourself Of Your Value

Take time to <a href="https://www.makinwellness.com/deep-breathing-benefits/">breathe deeply </a>after being triggered, which can help you to remember how you want to respond instead of responding emotionally to their attacks. It also takes up space in the conversation, which shows them that you are essential and don’t feel rushed or pressured to respond immediately.

5. Take A Deep Breath

Come up with some common phrases or sentences you can regularly use to deflect manipulative tactics. For example, if they belittle or talk down to you, try saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying. However, I feel differently about this and would appreciate your respecting my opinion.”

Write A Script For Yourself

Are you constantly gaslit, guilted, and in fear of what your partner will say to you? If so, you may be experiencing the tactics of a manipulator.

corporateculture

Corporate Culture

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

teamwork

Teamwork

How To Outsmart A Manipulator: 6 Steps To Recover Your Power And Prevent Abuse - Makin Wellness

If we could learn to handle our envy correctly, if we think it through with sympathy and skill, then it could play a key role in alerting us to what we genuinely want. Envious thinking can be the gateway to deeper self-knowledge and a profound understanding of our underlying ambitions.

Envy - A Warning To Know Our True Ambitions

We feel envy when someone else has access to an area of happiness that eludes us. The natural response to this feeling is shame; we feel we lack the generosity of spirit to celebrate their achievement. Perhaps we feel guilty for not sufficiently appreciating the lot we have. Yet envy, while uncomfortable, provides us with a message from confused but important parts of our personality about what we should be doing.

Think What Makes You Envious

Instead of trying to repress our envy, we should examine it. Each person we envy is a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is our future. There is a portrait of a ‘true self’ waiting to be assembled out of the envious hints we receive when we turn the pages of a newspaper or hear updates about the successes of old school friends or witness a friend’s excitement about a new career move. We should calmly ask one essential and redemptive question of all those we envy: ‘What could I learn about here?’

Act On The Emotion?

How Can the infamous emotion, 'Envy', be our friend?

A guide to identifying, nurturing and growing our insight and creativity for more effective thinking. We know that our minds are capable of great things because, every now and then, they come out with a very brilliant idea or two. However, our minds are also tantalisingly unpredictable, spending worryingly large stretches of time idling or distracting themselves. This is a book about how to optimise these beautiful yet fitful instruments so that they can more regularly and generously produce the sort of insights and ideas we need to fulfil our potential – and achieve the contentment we deserve. We learn – among other things – how to grasp fragile and flighty thoughts before they disappear through anxiety and fear, at what times of day to try to work and for how long, how to make use of our boredom and instincts – and how to overcome timid and predictable approaches to the largest problems.

philosophy

Philosophy

The School of Life

How to Think More Effectively

There is a big vacuum inside of us, so we look for things outside us to fill up the vacuum. We think that new and exciting things will work, but they don't seem to have an effect.

religionandspirituality

Religion & Spirituality

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Look inside you!

Identify Patterns: Keep a mood record to recognize what impacts your mood positively or negatively.Break the Isolation Cycle: Increase your engagement in positive activities and social interactions to counteract depression.Focus on Vision and Attention: Pay close attention to your life and addressing issues proactively.

Self-Comparison for Improvement: Measure your progress against your past self rather than others, aiming for consistent improvement.Embrace Humility and Learning: Acknowledge the limits of your knowledge and remain open to learning, which fosters growth.Recognize Intrinsic Value: Understand your own worth and potential for positive impact, treating yourself with kindness and striving for betterment.Commit to Positive Actions: Dedicate yourself to making positive changes honestly and wholeheartedly.

•	Maintain a daily log to track mood and activities.	•	Schedule regular social activities and outings.•	Set daily or weekly personal improvement goals.•	Reflect on what you’ve learned each day and how you can apply it moving forward.

Actionable Tips:

This is clip from yesterday's special release from the Beyond Order Tour. In it, Dr. Jordan Peterson speaks to his Dublin audience about the positive feedback loop of depression, and how ancient civilization mythologized aim.

Dr. Peterson's extensive catalog is available now on DailyWire+: https://bit.ly/3KrWbS8

ALL LINKS: https://linktr.ee/drjordanbpeterson


// COURSES //
Discovering Personality: https://jordanbpeterson.com/personality
Self Authoring Suite: https://selfauthoring.com
Understand Myself (personality test): https://understandmyself.com

// BOOKS //
Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life: https://jordanbpeterson.com/Beyond-Order
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos: https://jordanbpeterson.com/12-rules-for-life
Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief: https://jordanbpeterson.com/maps-of-meaning

#JordanPeterson #JordanBPeterson #DrJordanPeterson #DrJordanBPeterson #DailyWirePlus

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Problem Solving

videos

Videos

Jordan B. Peterson is a Canadian professor of psychology, clinical psychologist, YouTube personality, best-selling author and host of the #1 Education Podcast, "The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast". Watch the entirety of Dr. Peterson's catalog on DailyWire+: https://utm.io/ueJdK

This channel features videos from his classes, his podcasts, interviews, book tours and lectures. You can watch the incredibly popular lecture series "Personality and Its Transformations", "Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief", as well as his "The Psychological Significance of the Biblical Stories" lectures for free.

Connect with Dr. Peterson:

JBP Newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/jordanbpeterson.com/youtubesignup
Podcast: https://jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordan.b.peterson/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/jordanbpeterson
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drjordanpeterson/

Jordan B Peterson

Taking the First Step

Thoughts occur to us randomly. Thinking is what we intend to do. It is not something that naturally occurs to us.Thoughts are inspiration.Thinking is desperationGreat ideas come in the state of Non-Thinking. Thoughts come directly from our subconscious mind and it’s the combination of the gut feeling and desire.We always think about things out of desperation. We try to rationalize some decision, not because we want to do it, but because we are being forced by some external force to do it.

Thoughts VS Thinking

Thinking is the root cause of all suffering.Feed yourself this sentence everyday. Before sleeping, after waking up, before and after stepping into the bathroom, wherever you possibly can.Realize that most of the stuff is not in your control. If you can’t control it, then you shouldn’t think about it.

How to stop thinking

Most people do what society tells them to do. Do what you love the most, whether it be writing, teaching, starting a YouTube channel, becoming a historian regardless of how much it pays or how much respect it brings you.Money and fame is not in your hands. Allah has already written the money and fame you are going to receive, so why not do something you love.Your gut tells the truth. The Gut Feeling is just a thought from your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is a very complex machine.A thought from the subconscious mind is a sign from the Universe, The God.

Trust the Gut

Who said you have to figure out how to do certain things?You just need to know what you want, but not the how.You don’t have to solve the problem. The God Almighty has already given you a tool to solve complex problems; The Subconscious Mind.Henry Ford had very little formal education, but he had a strong intuition that he could revolutionize transportation by making automobiles affordable for the average American. His trusted on his intuition and everything followed.

But if I don’t think, how will I do anything?

The outcome is completely out of your control. What is in your control is the effort that you put into the work.By repeating to yourself that your goal is important, your subconscious mind starts sending signals to your conscious mind, prompting you to improve your efforts.📚If this article helped you, then I’m sure <a href="https://binsletter.beehiiv.com/subscribe">my free weekly newsletter</a> will help you a lot in growing and gaining clarity every week to stay strong 💪

You have no control

If you are like me, you constantly think about things. Our brain forces us to think, because it is necessary for survival. But what we don’t realize is that, this thinking is destroying us. Let me explain.

Not thinking changed my life forever

“It’s not enough to be productive. It’s not enough to be successful. I need my joy triggers. Joy triggers are not rational. Bring them into your daily life, because I really believe that it’s all a part of how we can bring balance into our life—getting joy from simple but beautiful things.”

There are 4 main neurochemicals that are fundamentally linked to pleasure and well-being:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Dopamine: It drives motivation and our desire for reward. It is released when we accomplish a goal or complete a task.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Serotonin: Often referred to as the "happiness molecule," serotonin helps regulate mood and is targeted by antidepressant medications.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Oxytocin: Known as the "love hormone," oxytocin is released during physical touch, social bonding, and positive interactions.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Endorphins: Acting as natural painkillers, they are released in response to physical activity, laughter, and other forms of pleasure.</li></ol>

The Key Neurochemicals of Happiness

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Endocannabinoids are self-produced cannabis and were recently discovered. </li><li class="ql-align-justify"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22442371/">Research</a> shows that humans and dogs have higher levels of endocannabinoids after running, making it a possible explanation for the runner's high.</li></ul>

Discovery of Endocannabinoids: Self-Produced Cannabis

There are two ways to define your joy triggers — retroactively or in the moment:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Retroactively: Sit down and remember all the times you felt happy, comfortable, or excited, and write them down. However, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797614542274">research</a> suggests we tend to forget small things easily, so this method may not capture all of your joy triggers.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">In the moment: Be mindful of moments that bring you joy and record them (via journal or voice notes over phone) as they happen. This method can be more effective since we more easily remember what's happening now.</li></ul>

Discovering Your Joy Triggers

Joy Triggers cycle

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Collect joy triggers: Create a dedicated note called “joy triggers” on your phone and add to it every time you feel good. You will end up with a list of small sources of joy in your life.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Keep your list accessible: Ideally, your joy triggers should be simple activities that you could easily repeat any time you need to quickly improve your mood. E.g., drinking a cup of nice tea, listening to a specific song, looking at memes, going for a quick run, photos of past trips, play with your pet(s), call a close friend, dance!</li></ul>

Define your joy triggers

Use your joy triggers to boost your mood:  Feeling down, stressed, or anxious?Instead of ignoring these feelings, try these simple tips to find joy:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Stop what you're doing</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Choose one activity from a list</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on being present and mindful</li></ul>Remember, this won't solve all your problems, but it can help you get through the day!

The beauty of this approach lies in its simplicity and accessibility. No matter what challenges you face or how busy your schedule may be, there’s always an opportunity to pause and savor life’s little pleasures.

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">So, start building your own collection of joy triggers, and make a habit of turning to them whenever you need a quick pick-me-up. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">And consider sharing these little moments with others – by doing so, you’ll not only enhance your own well-being but also inspire those around you to find more joy in their daily lives.</li></ul>

Action, action, action!

Embracing the small, everyday pleasures and understanding your brain's happiness chemistry can transform your mood and unlock constant positivity.

Joy triggers are simple ways to feel instantly happier, such as drinking a cup of your favourite tea, listening to a specific song, or petting your dog.

habits

Habits

artsandculture

Society, Arts & Culture

Joy triggers: happiness on demand

Are you held back by social anxiety? Here's how to overcome it:<ul><li>Bust negative thoughts about awkward situations</li><li>Practice small talk with friends/family before branching out</li><li>Join a club/group activity to ease into social interactions</li><li>Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself if things don't go perfectly</li></ul>

Embracing Awkwardness

With patience and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, you can conquer social anxiety and thrive in social situations

Embracing Awkwardness: The Road to Overcoming Social Anxiety Through Desensitization Strategies

Embracing Awkwardness: Overcoming Social Anxiety

Something that science has been confirming to us, and something that people often learn in therapy, is that we have more power to influence our emotions as we thought we have.

Our mood is not only influenced by our thoughts – yes, they might contribute to a low mood but they are not the only influence. Our mood is mainly made up by our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and our behaviour.It is hard to notice them separately but that it is exactly what we can do to deal with low mood: Break down how you feel into what thoughts you have, what emotions you feel, what your senses experience and how you were and are behaving. Then, you can pick one or a few of these things and change them.

Understanding Low Mood

When we experience low mood, it may have been influenced by several factors from our internal and external world, but when we understand what those influences are, we can use that knowledge to shift it in the direction we want it to go.

When dealing with mood, it is essential to remember that it is not all in your head. It’s also in your body state, your relationships, your past and present, your living conditions and lifestyle. It’s in everything you do and don’t do, in your diet and your thoughts, your movements and memories. How you feel is not simply a product of your brain.

We can’t just press a button and produce our desired set of emotions for the day. But we do know that how we feel is closely intertwined with the state of our body, the thoughts we spend time with and our actions. Those other parts of our experience are the ones that we can influence and change.

We often spiral into even more negative mood states because when feeling low, we often lack the energy to perform our favourite activities that delight us. Hence, after a certain period of time, we end up feeling worse. Engaging in activities that give us instant relief, such as scrolling through social media, are just as harmful.Reflect on how you deal with certain emotions and whether or not these coping strategies are actually helpful.

Breaking Low Mood Cycles

Thoughts influence our mood and our mood influences our thoughts, which is why we are even more prone to biased thinking when feeling low:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Mind-reading: Making assumptions about thoughts and feelings of other people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Egocentric thinking: Thinking that everyone shares the same values etc. as you do and judging based on that assumption.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Emotional reasoning: Thinking that because you feel a certain way, it must be true.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Musts/shoulds: Having unrealistic expectations.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in extremes.</li></ul>

Thought Biases

Reflect on past moments that were good or bad. Do you recognise any of these biases?By reflecting on past moments regularly, with times it becomes easier to notice thought biases in the very moment they occur. With that comes the power to recognise that they are not facts but simply biases – they might not be true. You don’t have to find an answer, in fact, there might not even be one, so learn to be okay with not knowing.

Dealing With Thought Biases

“If we can acknowledge that each of our thoughts presents just one possible idea among many, then we open ourselves up to the possibility of considering others.”

It is almost impossible to control what thoughts arrive at your brain, but you can control how much attention you give them. Trying not to think about something is counterproductive. Instead, choose how long you want to stay with each thought.Metacognition (thinking about thinking) helps to create distance between you and your thoughts. With that, you can analyse them and think of where you would rather want them to go.When noticing any thought spirals and rumination, say stop, get up and move around a little. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude help with moving your attention consciously.

Controlling Your Thougths

“The power of any thought is in how much we buy into it. How much we believe it to be true and meaningful.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Be compassionate with yourself and speak to yourself as you would to a friend.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When feeling low, it is hard to make decisions, so don’t try to make the perfect ones and instead try to make “good enough” decisions. Smalls steps help you in the long run and build a habit.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When analysing your emotions and problems, always think about the direction you want to take. Focus on where you want to go and how you might get there. What would you feel, how would you think and behave, what would your physical sensations be?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on mental health basics such as exercise, sleep, diet and social interaction.</li></ul>

How To Deal With Bad Days

There are two types of having no motivation:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Procrastination: Avoiding something because it is associated with stress and discomfort.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anhedonia: No longer enjoying activities you used to enjoy. It is associated with depression.</li></ul>You can increase motivation by:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Physical movement, even if it is just a little.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Remembering your goals and staying connected with them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focusing on small but consistent progress and habits, instead of big goals that are hard to keep up with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learning how to rest and relax.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Changing how you think about failure and treating yourself with compassion.</li></ul>

Motivation

“Once you sustain the habit of prioritizing your healthy behaviours, they will sustain you.”

“Science tells us about the things that work for most people. But the detail you can establish from looking at your own life with curiosity adds significant value.”

“If something matters to you and could benefit your health, don’t wait until you feel like it – do it anyway.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">When an emotion tells you to not do an actions that aligns with your values, do the opposite of what the emotion suggests.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a habit: Make it simple, adjust your environment, make clear plans, reward yourself, know why you want the change.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Break bigger goals down into small steps. Take time to rest and recharge.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Pre-plan what you will do in hard situations that trigger you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Know who you want to be and how you want your life to look like. What decisions would you have made?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Figure out the pros and cons of both the change you want to and of changing nothing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on your past.</li></ul>

Doing Things You Don't Want To Do

"The more we repeat an action the easier it becomes for the brain to do it with less effort in the future.”

“Repeat a behaviour enough times and it will become a habit.”

“The most effective way to solve a problem is to understand the problem inside out.”

“You cannot change what you cannot make sense of.”

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They aren’t facts but simply a possible perspective. Don't push them away, as this will lead to worse problems in the long run. Instead, ask yourself curiously what this emotion is trying to tell you.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Soothe yourself using tools that make you feel safe: You can create a little box with pictures of loved ones, a bag of tea, a book etc. that you can turn to.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Name the emotion specifically: Use a feeling wheel such as then one from Wilcox (1982) to find out what exactly you are feeling. If you don’t find a name, create your own name.</li></ul>

Dealing With Emotion

“You are not your feelings and your feelings are not who you are.”

“If there is something emotions are useful for, it’s telling us what we need.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Show that you care. Listen closely, ask open questions. Don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Help them by cooking a meal etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">They usually have an idea of what they need, ask them how they would like to be supported.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take care of yourself. Have a space where you can express your own thoughts and meet your needs. Set boundaries.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a crisis plan so that you and the person struggling know what to do in a specific situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">If they have a diagnosis, learn more about it. There will be ups and downs in their healing journey. Seek professional help.</li></ul>

How To Support Someone

There are five stages of grief:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Denial: Denying the situation, saying it is just temporary.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anger: Being angry at the person, situation or the unfairness of our world. It is associates with pain or fear, so look at what might be really going on. Perfom physical activities.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Bargaining: Ruminating about “what if" and things you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Depression: Feeling sad and empty. This is part of the process. Don't surpress it. Feel and soothe your way through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Acceptance: Starting to accept the sitaution. You might not agree with it but you open yourself up to new things.</li></ul>

Stages Of Grief (Kubler-Ross, 1969)

William Worden (2011) described four tasks of mourning:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept the new reality after the loss: It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Have no expectation about how you should be feeling or healing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Work through the pain of grief: Don’t push the emotions away and instead try to express them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Adjust to an environment with the loved one missing:  Take small steps and build a life around the loss.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Find a way to stay connected to them while also engaging with life as it is now: It is possible to remember the loved one and continue living at the same time.</li></ol>

The Tasks Of Mourning

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Continue to have a relationship with the person you have lost.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a relationship with yourself. Focus on the feelings and sensations in your body to build awareness. Listen to your needs.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Express the grief in a way that you feel comfortable with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take as much time as you need.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Set boundaries with the people around you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a routine and bring a little structure into your day. Take care of your mind and your body through exercise, diet, sleep etc.</li></ul>

Pillars Of Strength (Samuel, 2017)

Criticism and disapproval often have nothing to do with who you are as a person. People are often critical with others because they are highly critical with themselves. Learning how to deal with criticism healthily can be a crucial skill.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Shift your mindset around failure: Use it as an opportunity to grow and improve.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Let go of criticism that reflect the values of others but that are not aligned with your own. Identify whose opinions matter most.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Understand that people often are more focused on themselves as they are on you. This is called the spotlight effect (Gilovich & Savitsky, 2000)</li></ul>

Dealing With Criticism

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Know what triggers shame in you. You might have linked these things to your self-worth. However, your self-worth is not dependent on you being perfect and never making mistakes.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reality-check the criticism. Understand that these might be just opinions and not facts. Look at your behaviour and evaluate.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk to yourself in a way that lifts you up instead of destroying your self-worth. It is okay and normal to make mistakes You always have a chance to improve and do better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk about the shame itself. Silence intensifies shame while expressing it can minimise feelings of shame.</li></ul>

Dealing With Shame

Saying that you don’t care what anyone thinks is not the way to go, as it displays insecurities rather than understanding that we are wired to care about what other people think. Understand whose opinions you value and whose opinions you care less about.Understand who you are and who you want to be. What are your values, dreams and goals? When knowing these, you will also know which criticism to take and which to let go of.Don’t be your own critic, instead love yourself through the process. Speak to yourself compassionately.

Understanding Yourself

Building confidence requires taking action you are uncomfortable with.We have a comfort, stretch and panic zone (Luckner & Nadler, 1991). In your comfort zone, it is unlikely to develop confidence and leaning into your panic zone is not necessary. Your stretch zone is where you should lean into.Write down a situation you would feel most uncomfortable in. Identify a similar situation that is less scary. Go on until you find a situation that is slightly out of your comfort zone. Start there and build yourself all the way up step by step. Be uncomfortable for a while, then go back to safety.

Building Confidence

“Confident is not the same as being comfortable. One of the biggest misconceptions about becoming self-confident is that it means living fearlessly. The key to building confidence is quite the opposite. It means we are willing to let fear be present as we do the things that matter to us.”

“To build confidence, go where you have none. Repeat every day and watch your confidence develop.”

Confidence is not really built by speaking positive affirmations. When having low self-esteem and speaking affirmations, you might even end up feeling worse (Wood et al., 2009), as you automatically find reasons to why the affirmations aren’t true.How you talk to yourself still matters though. Hence, it is better to talk to yourself in a compassionate way as a coach would talk to an athlete: They are honest with the athlete but still encouraging.

Affirmations Vs. Compassionate Self-Talk

"The way we start to believe something more positive about ourselves is to use action to create evidence for it.”

Yes, you read that correctly. Self-esteem means being able to evaluate yourself in a positive way and believe in those appraisals (Harris, 2010).People often suggest looking at your strengths and tell you that you will be successful. However, “success” is often associated with being a winner, accomplishments and being acknowledged by others. This results in comparison or competitive behaviour and thus, feeling worse and inadequate.High self-esteem isn't linked to performing better or better relationships. Instead, it correlates with arrogance and discrimination (Bauermeister et al., 2003).

You Don't Need To Work On Your Self-Esteem

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice changes in your behaviour as they often indicate how you are feeling.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take a step back from your emotions by giving them a name.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice when you are having the urge to block your feelings. Let them wash over you knowing that they will pass. Soothe yourself through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learn from it. Reflect on what you did well and what you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Return to your values and what matters to you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Try again after working through the experience.</li></ul>

Bouncing Back From Failure

Being compassionate with yourself won’t make you lazy but instead can help you keep going (Neff et al., 2005). Accept your mistakes and flaws and know that you are still worthy.When feeling any negative emotion, let it be shame, sadness, guilt etc., it is always a good idea to feel into the emotion and accept it. Be compassionate with what you are feeling.You can also write a compassionate letter to yourself while imaging you are talking to a loved one that is in the same situation as you are.

Self-Acceptance And Compassion

Anxiety is there to keep you safe. However, your threat alarm immediately goes off without you having time to think things through, which is why it is often irrational. It is supposed to feel uncomfortable and intense. Understand that anxiety is trying to protect you – so you don’t want to turn it off completely. Instead, learn how to cope with it.

The Purpose Of Anxiety

“To fight fear you must be willing to face it. Escape and avoidance only provides short-term relief but feeds anxiety in the long term.”

“If you avoid the thing you fear, you never give yourself the chance to build up evidence in your mind that you can get through it and survive. Just telling your brain that something is safe is not enough. You must experience it. Your brain will need some convincing, so you need to repeat that behaviour over and over. As many times as it takes. The things you do most of the time become your comfort zone. So, if you want to feel less anxious about something, do it as often as you can.”

These are behaviours that help you in the short-term, but make anxiety worse in the long-term:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Escaping the situation when you are in it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoiding the situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Compensatory strategies, for instance washing your hands when having a fear of contamination.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anticipating worst-case scenarios.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Seeking reassurance from a loved one.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Safety behaviours, for instance looking at your phone to try avoiding a conversation.</li></ul>

Safety Behaviours

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