We develop a more realistic view of where we are in the grand scheme of things during our life. We go from “the way to make progress is to keep going when you start to feel tired!" to I am okay with how I am.

Wisdom is quiet and knows that life is complicated

Growing mature follows a pretty standard path: in short, we develop a more realistic view of where we are in the grand scheme of things. When we’re babies, everything is black and white; we’re the center of the worldOver time, we acknowledge other people, with their own perspectives:Later, our identity gets wrapped up in the group — we want nothing more than to belong because our group is the best in the world:The next step: we feel comfortable being ourselves.

The Path Of Psychological Maturity

Wisdom is growing out of the bubble that insists we have access to The One True Worldview. If we have an answer, a data point, we acknowledge that it’s just a momentary snapshot of precision, rather than an all-encompassing truth about the universe. When we can accept that all existence is temporary and all lives have innate value, we are freed of the need to feel special or accomplished. We understand that we’re just a drop in the ocean.

Growing Wisdom

A few years ago when I was a full-blown gym rat, I was horribly obnoxious. (I still am, but for other reasons.) I used to try to encourage people during classes by reminding them “the way to make…

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

mentalhealth

Mental Health

communication

Communication

Don’t Listen to Anyone Who Claims to Have the One Neat Trick

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad.

Good Times + - Bad Times

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but.

Its Not What It Seems

‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.

Does Rejection Hurt?

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.

Iced Out

Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.

The Loudness Of Silence

‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship. And it does tremendous damage.’

It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner. The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’

Try This Instead

The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

mindfulness

Mindfulness

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

Psychological manipulation thrives in intimacy. It’s a close, familiar way of using others that requires vulnerability to work well. Because intimate relationships all come with a level of vulnerability, they are the perfect breeding ground for this form of manipulation.Many psychological manipulators are family members, close friends, or romantic partners—these relationships give them an opportunity to build trust and later use that trust as a stepping stone to abuse.

1. Taking Advantage Of Intimate Relationships 

Psychological manipulators rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their actions to their victims—to do so would damage their credibility and cause doubt in the abusive relationship. Most manipulators will adopt a self-righteous attitude with their victims, often centered on how they have been “wronged” by that person in some way, and they will typically excuse their behaviors as retribution for how they have been treated. Their golden rule is simple: If you don’t give me what I want, I am entitled to treat you any way I choose.

2. Projecting Blame 

Psychological manipulators despise boundaries. Their ultimate goal is power and control, and firm boundaries interfere greatly with that goal. To that end, they become skilled at testing and violating others’ boundaries—usually starting with small limits and working their way up as they become more accomplished.Manipulators ensure that this is a slow-burn process. By subtly testing what works and what does not, they will learn how to cross others’ boundaries without being stopped.

3. Violating Boundaries

Psychological manipulators are masters at getting others to question their own reality. This often occurs in the form of telling blatant lies that border on unbelievable or countering a victim’s memory of events. When paired with the abuser’s refusal to accept responsibility for their actions, this technique can be destructive.Gaslighting can be difficult to pinpoint because it’s a gradual process that undermines the sanity of its victims. Many individuals who use this tactic work very hard to convince their victims they are too sensitive or are making a big deal out of nothing.

4. Gaslighting 


Recognize the methods that manipulators and narcissists use to gain control.

4 Common Tactics of Psychological Manipulators

Influence is one of those buzzwords that’s often associated with the top echelons of leadership or with a talent for sales or marketing.No matter what field you work in or how senior your job—entry level, middle management, director, C-suite—you rely on influence to do your job. Naturally if you’re a boss, you’re influencing staff to perform and behave in line with your vision and expectations. But if you’re an entry-level employee—you may not be aware of how much influence you use to teach your colleagues the best ways to communicate and collaborate with you.

You’ll Need to Use Influence in Any and Every Job You Have

Because telling is the quickest way to wield influence, it’s well suited for emergencies and regulations. It’s authority driven, or top-down, meaning it’s usually distributed from higher leadership down through lower positions (from CEO to staff, from manager to direct report, and so on).Telling may be expedient, but in cases other than those necessary regulations, it’s surprisingly ineffective, as most people do not like being told what to do.

Influence Type 1: Telling

At work, as in life, change—even if we say we want it— is difficult. Selling is a way to get buy-in and support for a new idea or culture shift. Whereas telling stops at a declaration of the what, selling digs into explaining the why (like why this strategy will work or how it’ll benefit everyone) in order to persuade others to get on board and, hopefully, excited. And it can occur from top-down, bottom-up, and laterally.

Influence Type 2: Selling

If you’re trying to make a big decision, you might reach out to a trusted friend for their perspective. But even though your friend may have fantastic advice, you’re ultimately in charge of whether or not to use it. Consulting at work uses the same principle: It’s a collaborative process based on conversation and co-creation, in which one party has the authority to make the final call.Consultation is a very effective type of influence because it creates a sense of partnership and teamwork, and because one person has the final say, it also doesn’t require everyone to hash things out randomly.

Influence Type 3: Consulting

When an old problem persists, a company is thrown a curveball and there’s no precedent for how to handle it, or a team is tackling something new or different, it’s a good time to collaborate. And workers at all levels can exercise their leadership by providing the structure to communally <a href="https://www.themuse.com/advice/problem-solving-skills-workplace-job-search">problem solve</a>.

Influence Type 4: Collaborating

It’s essential to pause and first identify the outcomes you’re looking for. Do you want to get buy-in for your idea? Get a boss to treat you differently? Implement a more effective way for your team to work together? Then, knowing your audience and using the guidelines above, select the right mode or combination to manifest the outcomes you’re looking for.

Use As Required

Because you’ll need ‘em, no matter what kind of job you have or how senior you are, according to a leadership consultant.

career

Career

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

4 Types of Influence and How to Use Them at Work

Although studies have found that both men and women with “attractive voices” are thought to be “warmer, more likable, honest, dominant, and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00996223">more likely to achieve</a>” — and they also have more sexual partners and may be more likely to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S109051380400042X">engage in infidelity</a> — the qualities that make a voice attractive are slightly less clear.

A Great Voice In Men and Women

For men, an attractive voice is fairly straightforward: a lower one is good, as it indicates size, strength, and reproductive prowess (<a href="https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2012/01/120105-deep-voices-sperm-masculine-men-women-science-health-evolution/">or does it</a>?), while hints of <a href="https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-women-like-deep-voices-and-men-prefer-high-ones-41492244/">breathiness</a> also seem to be preferable. But for women, it seems to be more complicated. Higher voices signal reproductive fitness, femininity, and smaller body size, and while it stands to reason that women would try to accentuate these qualities by speaking in correspondingly high voices — and some studies confirm this — other studies find that women tend to speak in lower voices around men they’re trying to attract.

The Paradox Of The Voice

<ul><li>There “appears to be a common stereotype in our culture that deems a sexy female voice as one that sounds husky, breathy, and lower-pitched.</li><li>Voice manipulation may be a learned behavior based on sexual voice stereotypes rather than actual vocal characteristics of attractiveness. </li><li>Perhaps when a woman naturally lowers her voice, it may be perceived as her attempt to sound more seductive or attractive, and therefore serves as a signal of her romantic interest.</li></ul>

Why Women Lower Their Voice

Men preferred the women with the lower-pitched voices. The researchers don’t quite know why, although they speculate that it could be in response to a woman signalling sexual interest and intimacy to a man, via our society’s current socially accepted methods. Or it could be in response to a woman communicating social dominance or a confident and mature persona, as people with low-pitched voices are often attributed traits such as competence, trustworthiness and leadership.

What Men Want

What makes a voice attractive? Research over the years has shown that while women prefer men with lower voices, and men sometimes prefer women with higher voices, men also generally prefer women who speak with lower voices. Why? 

scienceandnature

Science & Nature

Is My Voice Attractive?

Pathological anxiety is defined by its intensity, disproportionality, and functional impact.When it comes to anxiety, doing what feels most self-protective often just reinforces our fears.Exposing ourselves to our fears and learning how to tolerate anxiety is the key to its extinction.

Key Ideas

Like many <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/psychiatry">psychiatric</a> symptoms, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anxiety">anxiety</a> can be conceptualized along a spectrum that ranges from the normal to the pathological. At the normal end, anxiety represents an adaptive human response that's part of the body's warning system that alerts us to dangers. It often manifests as transient <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fear">fear</a>, causing us to step back from threats—like snakes and heights—that could cause us serious harm or death. And it can also take the form of more persistent worry about potential or ongoing threats, ideally providing the kind of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/motivation">motivation</a> we need to take action.

To Be Or Not To Be

When anxiety becomes pathological, it's often because of its intensity, disproportionality, and functional impact. When anxiety and fear intensify to panic and when worries blossom into disproportional mental ruminations about imagined rather than actual threats, the result is that we often freeze up or get stuck in our heads to the point of immobility. And since normal anxiety is a necessity for survival, not having any anxiety would also put us in harm's way. Pathological anxiety prevents us from taking the necessary action to figure out how to deal with the issues that lie at its root.

Pathological Anxiety

Because excessive anxiety is so visceral, including not only mental panic but physical symptoms including a "nervous stomach," chest discomfort, or trouble breathing, it's often experienced as intolerable. As a result, our natural response isn't to problem-solve, but to avoid—we tend to be more focused on "flight" than "fight" and will often try to do whatever it takes to escape the source of our fear.

Wanting to Escape the Source of Our Fears

The paradox of anxiety is that what feels most instinctual and self-protective—escaping from the source of our fears or trying to ablate intolerable anxiety with a drink or a pill—often just reinforces it by teaching us that our fears are too powerful to face. It also primes us to monitor for its return when we are able to find temporary relief, but if we're constantly scanning <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/environment">the environment</a> for threats or our bodies for evidence of fear, we're certain to find it.

The Paradox Of Anxiety

Treating pathological anxiety often requires allowing ourselves to feel anxious. That doesn't mean "white-knuckling" it or subjecting ourselves to terror; it's more about engaging with and confronting our fears "one step at a time" in a safe and therapeutic setting with someone at your side. Through that process, we can do the work we need to do to shift from being immobilized by fear or from incessant worrying to problem-solving.

The Power of Exposure

The more we try to avoid our fears, the stronger they become.

The Anxiety Paradox

<ul><li>In 2012, therapy carried something of a stigma.</li><li>The open conversations we have today around mental health weren't happening.</li><li>Now, Covid has sharpened everyone's awareness of their own mental health struggles.</li><li>Therapy can be like finding a key for a door that had been locked your whole life. </li><li>Ten million people will need support for their mental health as a direct result of the pandemic, according to the Centre for Mental Health.</li><li>Here are the nine things learned from therapy, that we can benefit from.</li></ul>

The Value Of Therapy In 2022

<ul><li>The release of talking, of being listened to, is an emotional experience.</li><li>Many sessions, particularly in these early days, can be emotionally battering, tearful, and can leave anyone feeling wrung out for days.</li></ul>

Tears Are Useful

<ul><li>A therapist is part detective, part archaeologist, scratching at the surface, finding something of potential interest and digging a little deeper.</li><li>These quieter, less emotional sessions are where the deep excavation takes place.</li><li>They work as a team, trying to piece things together, make connections.</li><li>In the real world, life starts to get a little easier.</li></ul>

Proper Change Takes Time

We survive (in the broadest sense) our childhoods by figuring out how to fit into our families, our roles, our small world; we learn about relationships from our parents. We then carry these ways of being into our adult lives where, in many cases, they are no longer useful, or relevant.

The Past Holds Clues

Once this truth is established, it leads to more interesting conversations. Understanding that you not flawed – or, more accurately, that we all are, so get over it – and that you must dictate what shape your life takes gives you the freedom to think about the choices you could make in future.With this newfound insight that your parents are not responsible for your state, only you are, comes a sense of freedom.

Don't Blame Your Parents

This phrase is bandied around so freely in self-help articles and on fridge magnets, it has almost lost its meaning.Your sense of freedom and responsibility comes from self-acceptance, and responsibility can also mean being positively responsive.

Self-Acceptance Is Real

The cliche goes that therapists nod their heads wisely and say: “And how did that make you feel?” They do say this sometimes; and in fact, when no one has ever asked you this question before, it’s extremely powerful when they do, repeatedly. This repetition starts to have an effect: it makes you see that your feelings are valid; they aren’t right or wrong – they just are.

Asking The Right Questions

Silences are often when the juiciest things come out. It takes courage to sit with it.If you fill your silence to avoid awkwardness, you’re actually avoiding something else - an intimacy, a genuine thought, an ability to feel a little exposed.

Don’t Be Afraid of Silence

<ul><li>What's happening for you right now?</li><li>This is a question we don't often ask ourselves, checking in with the present moment. </li><li>It helps us stay in the now, and gradually moves us into full awareness.</li></ul>

Random Self Check-ins

<ul><li>Therapy is a powerful means to an end, and it can arm us to have the skills to become a self-therapist.</li><li>The end of therapy does not means that the problems have ended. It means that now you have the skills to handle them yourself.</li></ul>

You Have to Know when To Stop

Therapy does not solve your problems, it makes you strong and self-sufficient to handle problems.

Therapy was like finding a key for a door that had been locked my whole life. Here are the nine things it’s taught me

What I’ve learned from 10 years of therapy - and why it’s time to stop

<ul><li>Shame can be so ingrained in our lives from an early age that we don’t appreciate how powerfully it affects us in the present.</li><li>The “cheese” of shame is always there, slowly rotting, and smelling worse and worse over time.</li><li>Even after shame is addressed, the memory of its “smell” and the feelings it caused will remain.</li></ul>

How Shame Stays With Us

Shame lies at the heart of many of the issues that bring people to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy">therapy</a>. The dictionary definition of shame is “a painful feeling of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/embarrassment">humiliation</a> or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Shame is something that can be so ingrained in our lives from an early age that we don’t appreciate how powerfully it affects us in the present. It can become an essential part of our <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality">personality</a>, completely hidden but guiding our lives, until we recognize it and start to talk about it.

The Root Cause Of Mental Issues: Shame

Shame is different than <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/guilt">guilt</a>. Guilt is the feeling we get when we do something bad, something we know is wrong. It’s something we can fix by doing better next time. We can give ourselves another chance. Shame is much more diabolical. Shame makes us feel not that we did something bad, but that we are something bad. Instead of feeling like we did something wrong, we feel like we are something wrong. Shame is like a little piece of cheese hidden deep down inside us in a crevice that is difficult to find and hard to reach.

Shame Vs Guilt

Shame starts early.Each experience of shame is like hiding little pieces of stinky cheese deep in the consciousness of our true selves. The cheese of shame is always there, slowly rotting, and smelling worse and worse over time. The irony is, even though this shame smell is so powerful, by the time we become adults we’re used to it. But unconsciously, we’re completely aware of it. Deep down we know we stink, and we act like we know we stink, and we expect other people in our lives to smell this stink and wrinkle their noses at us. To think we are bad. To think we stink. For shame!

Early Shame Experiences

People around us, friends, family, and loved ones don’t smell the cheese anymore. In fact, we might do such a good job searching for the cheese, examining the cheese, talking about the cheese, we might emotionally clean the cheese smell out completely. But the truth is, the smell will always linger in our memories. We have lived with that cheese for so long, building walls around it, hiding from it, feeling bad about it, so the smell will always exist in our minds.

Only We Know Our Cheesy Smell Of Shame

Times when we feel like we stink, and that other people can smell this, and that other people will know we stink and think less of us, that people in our lives that we love will think we are bad people because we smell. We explore the shameful feelings, and through that process we are able to find the metaphorical cheese and clean it up, to get rid of the stinky crumbs. We use lavender-scented cleaning products and a nice damp sponge and end up with a sparkling inner fridge.

Making Cosmetic Changes To Clean The Inner Shame

But just because we’ve found the stinky cheese and cleaned it doesn’t mean we’re free of it. That smell was with us a long time, and the feelings it caused will always be with us. The goal of therapy is to become aware of these feelings and learn to accept them but not let them dictate our lives. We can’t get rid of shame, but we can understand it, accept it, and not let it define us. We can remind ourselves that even though the cheese is gone, the smell stays with us.

The Memory Remains

The Stinky Cheese Smell of Shame

Emotional things happen at work every day. When faced with overbearing bosses, annoying colleagues, or comments that derail us, it’s not always easy to maintain our calm and composure. But showing poise in the face of difficult situations is an important skill to develop your executive presence. Should you find yourself suddenly set off at work, try one or more of these strategies to regain your calm.

Triggered At Work

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your breathing becomes irregular, fast, short, and shallow. Regulating it can be your first line of defense. Lengthen your exhales and focus on breathing from your belly. Inhale for a count of four and exhale for a count of eight. This slows down your heartbeat, stabilizes your blood pressure, and encourages full oxygen exchange, which is critical to the brain’s ability to function.

Take Deep Breaths

Do something to take the attention away from your strong emotion temporarily. Focus on another sensation in your body, such as the feeling of your weight pressing into your seat, wiggling each toe individually, or lightly rubbing your fingertips together to see if you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints.

Distract Yourself

Research shows that putting your feelings into words, or emotional labelling, can quickly reduce their grip on you and lessen your physiological distress. When you feel that emotional rush in a meeting, ask yourself, “What are two or three words that describe how I feel right now?”

Use Your Words

After the moment has passed, and when you have more time, process your feelings more fully alone or with someone you trust to determine the relative costs and benefits of expressing them. This will help you decide whether to share them more widely — either with your manager or with the person who triggered you.

Process Your Feelings

The above strategies will help you break free from an amygdala hijack and increase activation of your prefrontal cortex. But there may also be times, particularly in team meetings, when you’ll need to respond right away and won’t have a private moment to collect yourself.To prepare for these situations, come up with a couple of go-to lines that will allow you to quickly respond and buy yourself more time.

Be Ready with A Script

Emotional things happen at work every day. When faced with overbearing bosses, annoying colleagues, or comments that derail us, it’s not always easy to maintain our calm and composure. But showing poise in the face of difficult situations is an important skill to develop your executive presence. Should you find yourself suddenly set off at work, try one or more of these strategies to regain your calm Take deep breaths: When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your breathing becomes irregular, fast, short, and shallow. Regulating it can be your first line of defense. Lengthen your exhales and focus on breathing from your belly. Inhale for a count of four and exhale for a count of eight. This slows down your heartbeat, stabilizes your blood pressure, and encourages full oxygen exchange, which is critical to the brain’s ability to function. Distract yourself: Do something to take the attention away from your strong emotion temporarily. Focus on another sensation in your body, such as the feeling of your weight pressing into your seat, wiggling each toe individually, or lightly rubbing your fingertips together to see if you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints. Use your words: Research shows that putting your feelings into words, or emotional labelling, can quickly reduce their grip on you and lessen your physiological distress. When you feel that emotional rush in a meeting, ask yourself, “What are two or three words that describe how I feel right now?” Don’t forget to process your feelings: After the moment has passed, and when you have more time, process your feelings more fully alone or with someone you trust to determine the relative costs and benefits of expressing them. This will help you decide whether to share them more widely — either with your manager or with the person who triggered you.

corporateculture

Corporate Culture

How to Quickly Calm Down When You Get Triggered at Work

This war exists on several levels. Most obviously, we have our rivals on the other side. The world has become increasingly competitive and nasty. In politics, business, even the arts, we face opponents who will do almost anything to gain an edge. More troubling and complex, however, are the battles we face with those who are supposedly on our side.

Introduction To The Strategies Of War

There are those who outwardly play the team game, who act very friendly and agreeable, but who sabotage us behind the scenes, use the group to promote their own agenda. Others, more difficult to spot, play subtle games of passive aggression, offering help that never comes, instilling guilt as a secret weapon. On the surface everything seems peaceful enough, but just below it, it is every man and woman for him-or herself, this dynamic infecting even families and relationships. The culture may deny this reality and promote a gentler picture, but we know it and feel it, in our battle scars.

Introduction To The Strategies Of War 

It is not that we and our colleagues are ignoble creatures who fail to live up to ideals of peace and selflessness, but that we cannot help the way we are. We have aggressive impulses that are impossible to ignore or repress. In the past, individuals could expect a group--the state, an extended family, a company--to take care of them, but this is no longer the case, and in this uncaring world we have to think first and foremost of ourselves and our interests.

What we need are not impossible and inhuman ideals of peace and cooperation to live up to, and the confusion that brings us, but rather practical knowledge on how to deal with conflict and the daily battles we face. And this knowledge is not about how to be more forceful in getting what we want or defending ourselves but rather how to be more rational and strategic when it comes to conflict, channeling our aggressive impulses instead of denying or repressing them. If there is an ideal to aim for, it should be that of the strategic warrior, the man or woman who manages difficult situations.

Introduction to the 33 strategies for war to help overcome  difficult challenges in life.

The third in Robert Greene's bestselling series is now available in a pocket sized concise edition. Following 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction, here is a brilliant distillation of the strategies of war to help you wage triumphant battles everyday. Spanning world civilisations, and synthesising dozens of political, philosophical, and religious texts, The Concise 33 Strategies of War is a guide to the subtle social game of everyday life. Based on profound and timeless lessons, it is abundantly illustrated with examples of the genius and folly of everyone from Napoleon to Margaret Thatcher and Hannibal to Ulysses S. Grant, as well as diplomats, captains of industry and Samurai swordsmen.

books

Books

The third in Robert Greene's bestselling series is now available in a pocket sized concise edition. Following 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction, here is a brilliant distillation of the strategies of war to help you wage triumphant battles everyday. Spanning world civilisations, and synthesising dozens of political, philosophical, and religious texts, The Concise 33 Strategies of War is a guide to the subtle social game of everyday life. Based on profound and timeless lessons, it is abundantly illustrated with examples of the genius and folly of everyone from Napoleon to Margaret Thatcher and Hannibal to Ulysses S. Grant, as well as diplomats, captains of industry and Samurai swordsmen.

Robert Greene is an American author of books on strategy, power, and seduction. He has written six international bestsellers, including The 48 Laws of Power, The Art of Seduction, The 33 Strategies of War, The 50th Law, Mastery, and The Laws of Human Nature.

Robert Greene

The 33 Strategies Of War

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