3. Put the breaks on catastrophizing

Even if you know intellectually that the worst case isn’t likely to happen, if you constantly tell yourself it is, that’s how you’ll feel.

It’s difficult to feel confident if you’re constantly worrying and anxious. And catastrophizing is like turbo-charged worry, which means it’s even harder for your confidence to shine through.

It’s hard to feel confident in yourself when you’re constantly denying yourself.

Some self-denial is perfectly healthy. But if you’ve gotten into the habit of always denying your own wants and needs, it shouldn’t be a surprise that you don’t feel very confident asking for what you want, going after what you want, or even knowing what you want in the first place.

A good way to never feel confident is to always be failing. And a good way to always be failing is to always be trying to control the uncontrollable.

Of course, it’s often hard to distinguish what we can control from what we can’t—especially if we really want to be able to control it…

• Low confidence leads to second-guessing, but second-guessing also leads to low confidence.
• Stop second-guessing yourself in the moment and schedule time to do it deliberately.
• Confidence and humility are not mutually exclusive.

When you respect yourself enough to maintain good boundaries, confidence is the natural result.

Confidence rests on the foundation of self-respect. And self-respect comes from setting (and enforcing!) healthy boundaries that protect your wants, needs, and values. But enforcing your boundaries requires that you tolerate difficult emotions like anxiety rather than making decisions designed to avoid them.

So if you want to feel more confident, start setting and protecting healthy boundaries, which means being willing to be with rather than avoid tough emotions.

You can be critical without criticizing.

When you criticize yourself in response to a mistake, you create an unrealistic view of yourself that’s almost always too negative. And, unsurprisingly, this isn’t great for your confidence.

If you’re constantly reliving past mistakes in your head, it’s going to be tough to feel confident about yourself in the present.

Give yourself permission to let it go. And then work like hell to keep letting it go, each time it comes up. Forgiveness is a commitment, not a decision.

Your feelings will lead you in the wrong direction at least as often as the right one.

Listen to your emotions, but don’t trust them blindly.

Treat your emotions like a friend. When they give you advice, listen to it. But be prepared to reject it or ignore it if it’s not good advice.

Like a friend, emotions are close to you and worthy of your respect and attention. But that doesn’t mean they’re infallible and that you just follow them blindly.

If you want to feel more confident, start thinking about what habits you have that are interfering with your confidence, then work to remove them.

• Coping with anxiety
• Reassurance-seeking
• Catastrophizing
• Not asking for what you really want
• Trying to control things you can’t control
• Second-guessing yourself
• Compromising on your boundaries
• Criticizing yourself after mistakes
• Dwelling on past mistakes
• Trusting your feelings

Don’t try and do all of these at once. Pick one that applies to you and your life especially well and focus on making small improvements there first.