How to Stop Being Controlling in Your Relationship - Deepstash

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Shift your intent from controlling to learning to value and love yourself

Two intents to choose from:

  • The intent to control, avoid, and protect against pain.
  • The intent to learn about loving yourself and sharing your love with others.

When your intent is to control, you're avoiding responsibility for your self-worth and well-beingmaking someone else responsible for validating you. A form of self-abandonment and is a major cause of relationship problems.

You will not be able to stop controlling until you shift your intent from controlling to learning to value and love yourself and learn to take responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth, well-being, and safety.


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Self-esteem is key

Work on building your confidence and tackling low self-esteem issues. Oftentimes if you don’t feel good about yourself you will begin to project those feeling on your mate.


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Acknowledge therapy

Therapy can help you identify where the root of the controlling behavior comes from. Oftentimes, the person who seeks to control has been controlled in the past or has lost a sense of control in some aspect of their lives.


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Own it

Own your controlling behaviors and admit that you have a problem. Ask your partner to help you work on changing this habit.


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Practice self-care

Do things for yourself and do not become too dependent on your mate. Create and maintain your own identity in the relationship.


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Set boundaries

Initiate a plan to set boundaries and limits on how you communicate, and how you lead in the relationship. Setting boundaries and limits will show your mate that you respect their needs.


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Be clear with expectations

Talk to your partner about your expectations to ensure that he or she understands them and can meet them. Unmet needs can lead to controlling behaviors.


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We begin by asking what we hope our control will achieve

Rather than taking control, I invite you to ask yourself if there are other ways to achieve this outcome. How else could we keep everyone safe while still allowing others to have control?

By recognizing that control is a symptom of anxiety, we can begin to learn to manage our anxiety in new ways, choosing different tools rather than control.


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Dig deep

Because controlling behavior usually stems from low self-esteem or a result of a traumatic experience, it’s important to address the cause of the behavior.

Acknowledging is generally the first step to changing the behavior. You will need to retrain your mind, the change of behavior will follow.

Being kind, honest, and mindful about your thoughts, opinions, and reactions will make you more self-aware. The hope is that this awareness will help you let go a bit.


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Learn to let go

Letting go is key. This doesn’t mean that you should forget your past experiences. On the contrary, we must remember to learn from our past, but never allow ourselves to remain there.

One of the manifestations of anxiety is controlling behavior. Find the source and address it. This may often not be attainable alone, so it’s a good idea to be open to some therapy. Involving your partner is often helpful and proves a commitment to a healthy you and a healthy relationship.


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Change from “I want” to “I like to listen”

The controlling partner often says things like, “I want XYZ,” for example, “I want you to do a job.” This conversation style eliminates the feeling of the other person.

You can transform your conversation by just replacing “I want” with “I like to listen.” For instance “I like to listen to your point of view about doing a job” In the latter one, you are saying that you are interested in it, but along with it you are also asking them about their opinion.

By doing so, you both would reach the mutual decision instead of a decision being imposed by one partner.


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Acknowledge your own insecurities

You may have some insecurities which force you to control the behavior of others. Learn about them and let go of your insecurities . Your past experiences might have developed those vulnerabilities. You need to understand that you can’t live in your past and ruin your present. Let go of that past and those insecurities attached to the past.


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Take control of your language

If your words are bossy and you always order others to get things done. It is a clear indication that you are a control freak. Try to include words like ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘shall we’ which makes you sound more polite.


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Try not to give advice when people don’t ask for it

Don’t try to fit in everyone’s shoes and be the one to know-it-all. Everyone has its own battles, and they know how to tackle them. People will ask for advice when needed.


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