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Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?
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Key Ideas
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You have an eye on the exit
You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?"
Because commitment reduces your ability to leave a relationship without financial or emotional consequences, you tend to avoid it.
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You gaslight your partner
The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real.
For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it."
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You are known as a "serial dater"
You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle.
You don't want to be seen as a "player" but you can't seem to find someone who you can commit to.
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You are paranoid
When they spend time with other people without you, you fret, text constantly, experience jealousy, and ask for proof that they're being faithful. This may lead your partner to break up with you because they find you controlling.
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You criticize everything they do
You find fault with every little thing they do, from the way they cook to the clothes they wear. You are impossible to please, and your partner eventually gives up trying and breaks up with you.
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You avoid facing problems
When your partner wants to address a problem, you avoid the topic or simply say: "I don't think we're having an issue; it's going to go away."
Your partner grows resentful of your inability to face problems together and leaves.
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Tearing yourself down
You always talk about yourself in self-deprecating ways: "I'm not as smart as you", "I'm just an idiot, why are you with me?", "You're just with me because you pity me", etc.
This is a sign of low self-esteem, and most people do not enjoy being told that they love someone who is worthless.
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Ending Self-Sabotage
- Find out your attachment style. The ideal type of attachment is "secure": when you feel like they can trust others.
- Find out what triggers your fears to help you either avoid them or work on them.
- Don't confuse the past with the present. Learn to say: "that was then, this is now."
- Learn to talk about your feelings and problems.
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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
6
Key Ideas
Understand your attachment style
We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can becom...
Identify your triggers
Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?
Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.
Be mindful of your behavior
Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.
It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.
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Key Ideas
Why You Self-Sabotage
For many people, the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment keep them out of relationships.
These fears are based on false beliefs, such as success or failure defines my worth as...
How You Self-Sabotage
Relationships:
- You keep yourself isolated.
- You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
- You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.
Work:
- You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
- You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
- You stay in a job that you hate.
- You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.
Healing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior
- Notice self-judgments.
- Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others.
- Consciously see mistakes and failure as stepping stones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth.
- Learn to be kind and compassionate toward your own feelings.
- Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself.
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Key Ideas
Sabotaging behaviors
- You are controlling and rigid in the way that others should treat you and are easily disappointed.
- You have issues with real intimacy.
- You tell yoursel...
Examine your history
This goes back to your childhood.
For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.
You are part of the problem
If you have a fear of abandonment and rejection and you are constantly ‘setting’ up scenarios that lead to your disappointment, you are the puppeteer controlling this.