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5 effective exercises to help you stop believing your unwanted automatic thoughts
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You are not your thoughts
Most of us will do anything not to feel worried or dissatisfied and will try and find ways to soothe ourselves or find ways out of our problems.
However, the key to healing and understanding our potential is to change our relationship to our thoughts and emotions.
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Separate thoughts from the act of thinking
We usually buy into what our feelings tell us and allow them to overly direct our actions and choices.
Instead, notice the act of thinking without getting tangled in your thoughts. See your thoughts as ongoing attempts to make meaning of the world — give them power only to the degree that they help you.
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Disobey yourself on purpose
The mind's power over you is an illusion. For instance, say one thing while doing the opposite. You will find that it is possible to do the opposite of what you are thinking. (For example, type, I cannot type this sentence, while you are typing the sentence.) Regularly doing this exercise can give you more freedom to do hard things.
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Give your mind a name
We usually feel that we can choose to agree with someone else, while we don't feel we can choose to disagree with ourselves.
By giving your mind a name, you can feel separated from it because it is now different from you.
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Your mind is trying to problem-solve
Consider having a conversation with your mind wherein you appreciate what it is trying to do, but knowing that you don't have to agree.
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Carry it with you
Write down a recurring thought. Maybe its "I'm stupid" or "I'm unloveable." Then look at it as if it is something that is no longer part of you.
If you are willing to honor that history, carry the paper with you and acknowledge it as part of your journey.
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The 'assumption of healthy normality'
There is an assumption that emotional pain and suffering is a deviation from a default happy baseline. However, it's incorrect. Psychological pain is everywhere.
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Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
The goal of ACT is not necessarily to reduce one's problematic thoughts and emotions. It is to help people effectively function while they are distressed and to promote more flexible and value-driven behaviors.
In other words, the primary goal is to promote 'valued living.'
Valued living
Valued living is going about your daily life in the service of values you find important. Engaging in these actions creates a sense of meaning and purpose.
The symptoms of psychological suffering are problematic when they are linked to behaviors that draw us away from valued living.
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Key Ideas
Two relationship complaints
The two worst things in a relationship are:
- The thought of a partner leaving.
- The frustration of a partner not sharing their feelings.
If people are ill-e...
Offering vs obligated
Offering to share with your partner is intimate. Being bullied into sharing is undercutting the very intimacy we think we're building.
Other people's emotions are theirs, not ours. Hearing them share their feelings is a privilege, not a right.
Correcting wrong views
- “Sharing is caring!”. But care is about love and love is about respecting your partner's personal space.
- “Yeah but if I don’t know what’s wrong, then how can I fix it?” Our partners are not our personal projects. Our relationship isn't a game of codependency.
- “But I just want them to share!” Yet, we are not entitled to it.
- "But why won’t they tell me?! Why is that so hard?” Because they don't want to. They may not be ready, or maybe nothing is wrong. You can't push it.
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Key Ideas
Reframe past “failures”
Thinking about our past mistakes usually brings us feelings of despair.
You can stop this by reframing your past failures by recognizing that you did the best you could with the information t...
It’s OK to be uncomfortable
Putting yourself out there is very uncomfortable for most of us.
But try to remember that discomfort is pretty normal. It's just a feeling, nothing more. So allow yourself to feel uncomfortable and accept that the feeling doesn’t mean you should stop trying that new thing your considering.
One step at a time
New projects can feel overwhelming, so imagining how you will get from start to finish it hard.
But you don't have to do it all in a day. Pick one small thing that will take you closer to your goal. And focus on that.