The cornerstone of emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, evaluate, interpret, and manage emotions — both your own and those of others — and use those insights to drive positive action. This sensibility can improve everything from communication and personal relationships to effectiveness and job satisfaction. Here are some key phrases that are used by emotionally intelligent leaders.

The Cornerstone Of Emotional Intelligence

The person you're talking to will feel more validated and valued if you confirm that they have your undivided attention. Pair this with some eye contact and maybe a nod frpm time to time

"I'm Listening" / "I Hear You"

This signals your commitment to the conversation and and your desire to gain clarity minus any judgment.Effective communicators don’t pretend they know things when they don’t, or make another person feel stupid for not expressing themselves clearly.

"Tell Me More"/"Can You Tell Us More About That?"

While there’s nothing wrong with praise like, “looks good” or “thank you,” saying you appreciate the human being behind the work adds an extra layer of gratitude and facilitates stronger relationships down the roadIf this is too far out of your comfort zone, start with its sister phrase, “I appreciate your work on this.”

"I Appreciate You"

indicates a fundamental confidence in the decisions and abilities of another person, allowing them to deliver results and build personal morale.People generally perform better when they’re supported and believed in, rather than micromanaged or overly questioned.

"I Trust You"

Emotionally intelligent people don’t censor ideas, steamroll feedback, or presume they know more than everyone else. They don't feel insecure and they know they don't have anything to prove.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Being emotionally intelligent means neither creating unnecessary drama nor shying away from differences of opinion. If your thoughts don’t mesh with your co-workers', rather than remaining silent you can say something like “I'm afraid I don’t agree” or leading with a cloying, “With all due respect,” say, “I have a different perspective.” This opens the door to respectful dialogue and exchange of ideas. Who knows you're bringing something to the table that they didn't think to consider.

"I'm Afraid I Have A Different Opinion

If someone who is usually reliable isn’t performing to their standards, put disappointment aside for a moment and genuinely ask them of they're all right. They might have a perfectly acceptable reason.

"Is Everything Ok?

Far from being a sign of weakness, the ability to apologise is a hallmark trait of an emotional intelligent person. Recognising mistakes, taking responsibility, and showing remorse and a desire to do better are the foundational elements of productive personal-relationship-building. However 'sorry' is not something you can toss around everytime you miss your dealine or to get your mom to shut up. When you say 'sorry', mean it

"I'm Sorry"

Resist the tendency to over-apologise. This doesnt make you sound sorry at all. Instead, it makes you sound like everything's centred on you and your feelingsInstead of saying sorry about everyhting, try thanking someone the other person for their understanding. This shifts the focus from you onto what the other person is experiencing.

"Thanks For (Your) Understanding

Because we tend to say the wrong things sometimes

Exhibiting emotional intelligence is more important than ever in the workplace. We are in the midst of the Great Resignation, and people are

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Use These Phrases to Sound More Emotionally Intelligent

Limited resources + optimism = innovation

Creativity in my opinion is one of the first steps to innovation. Before we can roll out a new innovation, we have to get creative and design a solution to our business model. This creativity will lead to innovation, which will then generate a reduction in overhead and push our productivity ahead.

The Thought

How do we get creative might be a question floating in your head. Well, if you ask me, I would tell you, "Its not as easy as it sounds". I have found that I need to do several things.

The Question

<ol><li>Surround yourself with creative and innovative people (We at your company solves problems all day long and loves to do it)</li><li>Be willing to implement something that is "not perfect". Waiting for a perfect well-rounded solution is not a creative process. Be willing to update it and refine it over time. Version 1 is better than version none.</li><li>Look to the internet! There are so many solution floating on the web, research some of them and find out what others are doing to solve the same problems.</li><li>Give yourself grace! Be creative is a process, and it can take years to get good at it 😄</li></ol>

The Action

Boosting Productivity sometimes needs a look at creativity 

I recently read a post on LinkedIn by Simon Sinek that read... Limited resources + optimism = innovation I realized just how true this statement was as I thought about it. We are limited on what we can do in our day to day. Whether you are running a business or you are working for a business we are all limited on the time we have. So how do we overcome our limitations on time? How do we increase productivity? While the answer was given by Simon already 😉, innovation. To pursue innovation it req

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💪+ 🎨 Productivity Demands Creativity

There may be moments in life where we hold a lot of anger and resentment. These grievances should be dealt with, as they offer only a lifetime of hurt. No matter how enormous the pain may feel, it is possible to let go and forgive. Forgiveness is good for the soul, and it has positive benefits on our mental and physical wellbeing.

Research Findings

Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering, on the other hand, is optional.

Forgiveness is a process, whilst the duration and difficulty will vary significantly, it can be equally applied to all levels of pain.Dr Frederic Luskin found from his research that forgiveness training helps people:<ul><li>Feel significantly less hurt</li><li>Learn techniques for forgiveness</li><li>Forgive the person who has caused them pain</li></ul>

The Science Behind Forgiveness

If I develop bad feelings toward those who make me suffer, this will only destroy my own peace of mind. But if I forgive, my mind becomes calm.

Forgiveness is essential for a fully functional society.Medically speaking, there does not appear to be any downside to forgiveness. It is clear from ongoing research that forgiveness of day to day incidental issues and longer term grudges, offers prolonged physical, emotional and spiritual healing.

Positive Psychology Research 

Forgiveness is perhaps the most challenging of all the resources available to us - and the most transformational.

Acceptance shifts the balance. Your view of what is happening alters.You separate the pain that is inevitable from the suffering that is optional.To forgive, you must accept the past. You don't need to like it, but it has happened - and cannot be undone.

1. Acceptance 🤲

Research shows that you cannot suppress negative emotions. So become aware of your emotions, recognize and label them, and interrupt and calm your response. An important factor for forgiveness is that you need to be aware of the hurt, anger and grief you may be facing.

2. Emotional Regulation Label

Cease to be a slave to your selfish narrative by taking a step back and shift your perspective so you may observe your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. Observing anger is not the same as being angry.Mindfulness practices provide a practical path to shifting your perspective to allow you to see that your experiences do not define who you are.

3. Shifting Perspectives 👀 

Putting your self in someone else's shoes, can be incredibly helpful on the path to forgiveness.Empathy is powerful at understanding the pain of another.Compassion encourages you to take action needed to reduce that suffering.

4. Empathy And Compassion 💞

Be accountable for yourself, own your actions, thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Instead of reacting with fear and running away, or denying you have any power over whats happening, you must take action to avoid recurring harmful behaviour.Recognise unhealthy behaviours, without judgement, and take responsibility.

5. Responsibility Check

The process of forgiveness helps you to remove emotional barriers to finding happiness. Forgiveness provides vital benefits to your mental and physical wellbeing such as a reduction in:<ul><li>Depression</li><li>Anger</li><li>Stress</li><li>Cardiovascular disease</li><li>Pain.</li></ul>Increases and improvements in:<ul><li>Compassion</li><li>Hope</li><li>Immune response</li><li>Self confidence </li></ul>

Benefits Of Forgiveness

Forgiveness provides us with a powerful path to reduce our suffering and bring greater dignity and harmony to our life.

Use good feelings to focus on the positives.A rude comment from someone in a store should not outweigh the beauty of the sunshine or the joy in seeing your child doing something new.The TV remote is used as a metaphor for choosing the channel we watch on a day to day basis. Rather than remain on the grievance channel, we must regularly tune in to what is right in our lives. Choose LOVE, BEAUTY and FORGIVENESS.

Tools For Forgiveness 

When a painful experience hits us, we need something immediate.PERT can be performed in less than a minute, discreetly returning you to a state of calm, restore control, and prepare you to make useful decisions.<ol><li>Find a comfortable place to sit and focus on your breath, inhaling and exhaling.</li><li>On the third breath, focus on someone you love.</li><li>Breathe gently, maintain focus, experiencing the emotions deeply.</li><li>Ask yourself what you can do to overcome the present difficulty.</li></ol>

Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique (PERT)

Forgiveness frees us from the pain we hold so close that it damages our physical and mental wellbeing, along with our happiness.Bad things can't always be prevented, you have the choice on how you respond and shape your life for the better.

Final Message

Forgiveness is good for the soul and has positive benefits for our mental and physical wellbeing. We explore the psychology of forgiveness.

Understand yourself and those around you.

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Psychology of Forgiveness | 10+ Fascinating Research Findings

Today more than ever, there’s no reason to assume any fit between the demands on your time, all the things you want to do, or feel you ought to do, and the amount of time available. Thanks to capitalism, technology and human ambition, these demands keep increasing, while your capacities remain largely fixed. The attempt to “get on top of everything” is doomed.The only viable solution is to make a shift: from a life spent trying not to neglect anything, to one spent proactively and consciously choosing what to neglect, in favour of what matters most.

There will always be too much to do

I’m indebted to the Jungian therapist James Hollis for the insight that major personal decisions should be made not by asking, “Will this make me happy?”, but “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?” We’re terrible at predicting what will make us happy: the question swiftly gets bogged down in our narrow preferences for security and control. But the enlargement question elicits a deeper, intuitive response. You tend to just know whether, say, leaving or remaining in a relationship or a job, though it might bring short-term comfort, would mean cheating yourself of growth.

Choose “enlargement” over happiness

It’s shocking to realise how readily we set aside even our greatest ambitions in life, merely to avoid easily tolerable levels of unpleasantness. You already know it won’t kill you to endure the mild agitation of getting back to work on an important creative project; initiating a difficult conversation with a colleague; asking someone out; or checking your bank balance – but you can waste years in avoidance nonetheless. (This is how social media platforms flourish: by providing an instantly available, compelling place to go at the first hint of unease.)

The capacity to tolerate minor discomfort is a superpower

It’s possible, instead, to make a game of gradually increasing your capacity for discomfort, like weight training at the gym. When you expect that an action will be accompanied by feelings of irritability, anxiety or boredom, it’s usually possible to let that feeling arise and fade, while doing the action anyway. The rewards come so quickly, in terms of what you’ll accomplish, that it soon becomes the more appealing way to live.

Choose Disco

I spent a long time fixated on becoming hyper-productive before I finally started wondering why I was staking so much of my self-worth on my productivity levels. What I needed wasn’t another exciting productivity book, but to ask more uncomfortable questions instead.The broader point here is that it isn’t fun to confront whatever emotional experiences you’re avoiding – if it were, you wouldn’t avoid them – so the advice that could really help is likely to make you uncomfortable.

The advice you don’t want to hear is usually the advice you need

It’s wrong to say we live in especially uncertain times. The future is always uncertain

One good question to ask is what kind of practices strike you as intolerably cheesy or self-indulgent: gratitude journals, mindfulness meditation, seeing a therapist? That might mean they are worth pursuing. (I can say from personal experience that all three are worth it.) Oh, and be especially wary of celebrities offering advice in public forums: they probably pursued fame in an effort to fill an inner void, which tends not to work – so they are likely to be more troubled than you are.

One Good Question

As the ancient Greek and Roman Stoics understood, much of our suffering arises from attempting to control what is not in our control. And the main thing we try but fail to control is the future. We want to know, from our vantage point in the present, that things will be OK later on. But we never can.It’s freeing to grasp that no amount of fretting will ever alter this truth. It’s still useful to make plans. But do that with the awareness that a plan is only ever a present-moment statement of intent, not a lasso thrown around the future to bring it under control.

The future will never provide the reassurance you seek from it

You – unconfident, self-conscious, all-too-aware-of-your-flaws – potentially have as much to contribute to your field, or the world, as anyone else.Humanity is divided into two: on the one hand, those who are improvising their way through life, patching solutions together and putting out fires as they go, but deluding themselves otherwise; and on the other, those doing exactly the same, except that they know it. It’s infinitely better to be the latter (although too much “assertiveness training” consists of techniques for turning yourself into the former).

The solution to imposter syndrome is to see that you are one

If you’re prone to thinking you should be helping more, that’s probably a sign that you could afford to direct more energy to your idiosyncratic ambitions and enthusiasms. As the Buddhist teacher Susan Piver observes, it’s radical, at least for some of us, to ask how we’d enjoy spending an hour or day of discretionary time. And the irony is that you don’t actually serve anyone else by suppressing your true passions anyway. More often than not, by doing your thing – as opposed to what you think you ought to be doing – you kindle a fire that helps keep the rest of us warm.

Selflessness is overrated

And then, finally, there’s the one about knowing when something that’s meant a great deal to you – like writing this column – has reached its natural endpoint, and that the most creative choice would be to turn to what’s next. This is where you find me. Thank you for reading.

Know when to move on.

The writer and journalist Oliver Burkeman shares a few lessons from his time writing his "This column will change your life" for the Guardian.

After more than a decade of writing life-changing advice, I know when to move on. Here’s what else I learned

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Time Management

Oliver Burkeman's last column: the eight secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life

The hybrid work environment creates new challenges for leaders, including:<ul><li>How to keep everyone focused amid so much change</li><li>When and how to communicate when some workers are on-site while others work remotely</li><li>How to make fair decisions</li><li>How to manage conflict when employees are out of sight and out of mind.</li></ul>Innovative leaders can use this time of instability and uncertainty to define leadership of the future.

Challenges of hybrid work for leaders

Clarity can be as simple as guiding an employee to the next right step, sharing a big vision for the future, or accurately describing a particular situation and desired outcome.Here’s a checklist of areas that contribute to a lack of clarity:<ul><li>Policies that are outdated or unenforced</li><li>Constantly changing priorities</li><li>Ineffective digital communications</li><li>Misunderstanding about how decisions are made</li><li>Unclear job descriptions.</li></ul>

Clarity

Today’s hybrid leader must acquire good writing and speaking skills as well as competency on various platforms.Quick tips to become a better communicator in a hybrid work environment:<ul><li>Text is okay for short updates or requests</li><li>Keep emails simple and short with the action item as the end</li><li>Space and format emails for easy reading</li><li>Difficult conversations require video or in-person meetings</li><li>Phone trumps email for complex issues.</li></ul>If there’s too much confusion, excessive unresolved conflict, and lack of follow-through, it could be due to ineffective communication.

The hybrid workplace requires leaders to have the capacity and competency to manage conflict among remote workers, virtual teammates, vendors, partners, and contractors.How to calm down and get clear before handling difficult situations.<ul><li>Feel the emotion, but don’t act until you have calmed down.</li><li>Instead of sending the email, send a calendar invite for a one-on-one meeting.</li><li>Plan your conversation, and clarify your intended result.</li><li>Clarify the situation by stating what’s happening that should not be happening.</li><li>Initiate a one-on-one private conversation in person or by videoconferencing.</li></ul>

Conflict capacity

The author of ‘No-Drama Leadership’ says we can use this time of instability and uncertainty to define leadership of the future.


3 ways you can create stability in uncertain situations

We start out with the hardest question on the planet for most people to answer: "<a href="https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/people-who-embracethe-z-y-x-rule-have-very-highemotional-intelligence.html">Why? </a>"<ul><li>Why do you want that job? </li><li>Why are you so interested in that reward? </li><li>Why are you spending your time--your most valuable and limited resource, by the way--on the specific things that consume your day? </li></ul>We can answer "why" to most things superficially, but that's not enough.<ul><li>I want the job because I want to make money. (OK, but why?) </li><li>Well, I need money because I have to maintain this lifestyle. (OK, but why?) </li><li>If I don't maintain this lifestyle, I'll feel like a failure. (OK, but why?) </li></ul>

1. Learn to ask why (over and over)

"Don't just stand there," some people say. "Do something!" But often, that's backward. (Don't just do something. Stand there.) Learn to <a href="https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/people-who-use-this-brilliantly-simple-trick-have-very-high-emotional-intelligence.html">wait a minute </a> (or an hour, or a day) before acting. I promise, there is power in restraint. There is potency in silence. He or she who pauses before responding to almost any external stimuli -- be it an email, or a message, or an insult, or a complaint, or even an opportunity -- often winds up with the upper hand.

2. Learn to pace yourself

For all the<a href="https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/people-who-embrace-this-controversial-word-have-very-high-emotional-intelligence.html">emotional baggage </a> attached to the simple, four-letter word, "quit," in our society, emotionally intelligent people understand that quite often, quitting is the answer. How can that be? We grow up hearing that quitters never win, and that quitting small things makes it easier to quit bigger things later in life. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. But quitting in a vacuum is a morally neutral act; it's the thing one quits, among other factors, that lends its relevance. But, it takes emotional intelligence and bravery to learn to admit the possibility.

3. Learn to quit, when it's time to quit

No matter what you choose, you might actually do the same thing afterward: sit still, look receptive, try to listen. But the latter language choices inspire openness and the welcoming of an ongoing relationship. We all have habits we're not even aware of: especially language habits.  Emotionally intelligent people recognize this, and therefore they work hard to develop language habits with intention -- literally, specific words and phrases -- because they understand that these choices are likely to inspire emotions.

4. Learn to rehearse what you'll say

We say honesty is the best policy; I think that's right. But, it's not just about just honesty toward other people; it's about being honest with yourself. Here's an example. As a boss, you might smartly make a habit of asking your employees if they have everything they need to be successful. Maybe they tell you they do, and that's comforting to hear. But, an emotionally intelligent boss might put himself or herself in the employee's shoes, and think of some of the emotional reactions that might go into their response.

5. Learn to look for hard truths

This is the corollary to the second habit, above. Don't just look for your "why." Ask yourself what motivates other people to do the things they do, too. Often enough, you can come up with a working theory. You might ask more questions to clarify. But often (this is the emotionally intelligent part) you won't share your conclusions. Why not? Because you're trying to do at least two things at the same time:  <ul><li>Identify other people's emotional motivations; and </li><li>Avoid triggering additional emotional reactions, which might be counterproductive to the result you seek. </li> </ul>

6: Learn to dissect other people's motivations

People often go into conversations without a clear goal in mind, or a clear structure. If they do think about structure, they sometimes do so only in basic terms, by articulating length and goals:<ul><li>By the end of this 20-minute meeting, I hope we can agree on X, Y, and Z. </li><li>Let's take a minute to talk about where we want to go to dinner tonight. </li><li>Can we clear the air briefly? I hope I didn't offend you with my comment the other day. </li></ul>Honestly, these are good starts. But, truly emotionally intelligent people recognize that there are other structural dimensions to conversations.

7. Learn to think about conversational geometry

We could write an entire book simply on learning this particular habit. I may just do so. But for now, let's focus on just one easy example: <a href="https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/how-rule-of-3-makes-people-listen-better-remember-more-understand-what-you-have-to-say.html">the rule of three </a>.In short, we're hard-wired to respond better, and remember things more easily, if they're grouped in threes. So, wherever possible, emotionally intelligent people try to make their three points at a time.This is why the late Steve Jobs organized almost every product unveiling (<a href="https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/how-emotionally-intelligent-minds-like-steve-jobs-use-rule-of-3-to-become-exceptionally-persuasive.html">the original Macintosh, the iPod, the iPhone, etc. </a>) with a 3-point structure.

Every conversation is made up of many smaller conversations, and people with high emotional intelligence understand that there's a sense of momentum that can ebb or flow as you proceed.That's why it can be so useful to structure conversations so that you pile up agreements and understandings along the way--leading to even bigger and better understandings.One way to learn to do that sometimes is to be strategically vulnerable.I've written before about one of the most controversial manifestations of this (but one I believe is accurate): the use of vocal uptick, or high rising terminal.

8. Learn to be strategically vulnerable

I'm sure you can envision this: Their voice trends upward during the course of a sentence? So that even though they're making a statement, it sounds like a question? And it's been stereotypically associated with younger people, and perhaps with women? While I think this habit requires care and calibration, it comes from a place of high emotional intelligence. There's an astute recognition that someone has less power in a conversation. So, he or she has to guide others through their points, chalking off small points of agreements and understandings along the way.

I'm sure you can envision this: Their voice trends upward during the course of a sentence? So that even though they're making a statement, it sounds like a question? And it's been stereotypically associated with younger people, and perhaps with women? While I think this habit requires care and calibration, it comes from a place of high emotional intelligence. There's an astute recognition that someone has less power in a conversation (a junior employee, for example). So, he or she has to guide others through their points, chalking off small points of agreements and understandings along the way.<warningtag>In a difficult conversation, for example, perhaps you can learn to structure what you're saying so that the emotional undercurrent becomes, "</warningtag><warningtag>we all face this common problem sometimes, let's solve it </warningtag><warningtag>," as opposed to, "</warningtag><warningtag>you did something wrong and you need to fix it </warningtag><warningtag>."</warningtag><ul><li><warningtag>"I wonder if you might have forgotten about our meeting Monday? I've done this a few times myself; I know it's tough to start the week that way."</warningtag></li><li><warningtag>"You promised you'd be there Monday, and you skipped it. What gives?"</warningtag></li></ul>

We started with the hardest lesson to learn (asking "why" over and over), so let's end on the easiest: Emotionally intelligent people will go out of their way to find something they can express gratitude for, toward the end of every conversation.Even better: Learn to express thanks for something you know the other side will agree with, rather than something that might trigger an undesired emotional reaction. <ul><li>easy examples: "Thank you for meeting with me today," "Thank you for taking the time to talk."</li><li>Tougher one: "Thanks for understanding," "Thank you for coming around to my way of thinking."</li></ul>

9. Learn to end with gratitude

The point here is to leave people feeling good about your gratitude; rather than bothered by disagreement. "People will forget what you said," someone once said (I think it was Maya Angelou, but there's some controversy. "People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget how you made them feel." In that spirit, allow me to end on gratitude.

In a difficult conversation, for example, perhaps you can learn to structure what you're saying so that the emotional undercurrent becomes, "we all face this common problem sometimes, let's solve it ," as opposed to, "you did something wrong and you need to fix it .""I wonder if you might have forgotten about our meeting Monday? I've done this a few times myself; I know it's tough to start the week that way.""You promised you'd be there Monday, and you skipped it. What gives?"

Continuation Of Habit 8

After spending more than a year at my current job, emotional intelligence is clearly a skill that I need to nourish. Therefore, this is my first result in searching about it

Habit #5: Learn to look for the difficult truths.

9 Simple Habits That Will Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

"It's not the lack of confidence, it's fear of making sacrifices."

‌"The people you attract(or don't) reflect your vibes": The vibe you put out is crucial. Check your vibe to attract high-quality people in your life. Positive people attaracts, negative repels.

Positive People Attracts, Negative Repels

No one give a damn about your opinion until you show results. Don't Say it Show it.

Don't Say It, Show It

Many people seek to be thought leaders or to build an online audiance. Fine. Remember this: NOBODY CARES IN THE BEGINNING. We pay attention to the people who have results, not loud voices that have achieved nothing and use clickbait to recreate the CNN news headline. Time in the game beats time commenting in the game.

Time In The Game Beats Time Commenting In The Game

"It's not lack of confidence, it's fear of making sacrifices.": Talent has nothing to do with it. What you achieve in life is in direct proportion to how many sacrifices you are willing to make. Big goals starts out with sacrifices. If you make them for long enough then the result with lower the number of sacrifices you need to make in the future. Hard choices easy life, Easy choices hard life.

Hard Choices Easy Life, Easy Choices Hard

You truly appriciate life only after you almost die: Life is a miracle. You have a one in a billion chance of being here, yet here you are. Every day should be a celebration that you’re alive, and that you didn’t die yet. Call it gratitude if you must. There are billions of dead people in graves all around the world, hoping to have what you have right now. Still upset with the world?

Gratitude Is A Must 

You don't know how important it is until you loose it: When we loose something we crave it again.

Know The Value Of Things Not The 

Most people don't know you exist and don't care about you: You can go from being held back by the buffet lunch of tragedies available to you in life, or you can take the bad stuff that’s happened to you and use it as a form of inspiration to help people facing the same problem. One is pointless. One is useful. The choice is yours.

How We Respond To Any Situation Is What Create Difference

It doesn't matter how much you learn, you will never feel ready: You learn by doing. Get some inspiration and then experiment with the magic of trial and error, to turn the generic learning you’ve done into a customized path forward.

Do It And You Will Learn Execution Is The King 

“Every single person you love will die, or you die first.”

The Ultimate Truth: Death

Life is unexpected but if we know some basic things those unexpected things will be beautiful.

The one where you think all of your problems are unique. Or a life where you think your sh*t doesn’t stink. I was that person for years. One of the antidotes to the devastation was listening to…

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Habits

Eight Uncomfortable Truths About Life That Will Wake You Up

Relationships are built, they’re not discovered.

The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship.It’s okay if you go on a first date and don’t feel the “spark” or instant chemistry. Oftentimes it takes time to develop that chemistry.Create a rule of thumb that you always go on a second date unless something really dramatic and bad happens on the first date

Dating Is Not A Game

Way too often people are rejecting partners that could be potentially great matches long term because they didn’t feel this instant spark.

<ul><li>Emotional stability: someone who doesn’t overreact in tough situations</li><li>Loyalty: someone who has existing long term friendships.</li><li>Growth mindset: someone who believes they can grow their skills through effort.</li><li>Ability to make hard decisions together: you want a teammate with who you can trust and work well.</li></ul>

Traits To Look For In A Partner

It’s easier to meet people now than ever before, however, dating is harder now than ever because:<ul><li>People expect to get all of their needs met from one person today instead of several people like friends, family, etc.</li><li>People have high expectations of what relationships should feel like (due to comparing relationships from social media)</li><li>People suffer from the paradox of choice.</li><li>More options make us feel depressed, makes it hard for us to choose, and in some ways leads to decision paralysis.</li><li>People have fewer relationship role models (many parents are divorced).</li></ul>

Modern Dating Is Challenging

The Happily Ever After fallacy is the false idea that finding someone is the hard part of finding loveThe hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, understanding different relationship phases, and navigating the ups and downsFinding somebody is challenging, but that’s not where the hard work ends.

The Happily Ever After Fallacy

<ol><li>The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want the soul mate, the happily ever after, the whole fairy tale.</li><li>The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision.</li><li>The Hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they’re not ready to date.</li></ol>

Dating Blind Spots

Attachment theory is one of the most rigorously researched elements of relationship science. It is based on how kids related to their primary caregiver. There are 3 main types of attachment:Anxiously attached: These people have a fear of their partner abandoning them and constantly want to be in touch with them.Avoidant attached: These people have a fear that they will be smothered by the relationship and constantly pull back from intimacy.Securely attached: These people are comfortable with intimacy but also comfortable with their independence.

The Attachment Theory

Securely attached people are about 50% of the population but because they’re good at relationships, they tend to be taken and are good at making relationships workTry to date someone who is securely attached or work on becoming more secure yourself

The Securely Attached

Instead of focusing on instant chemistry with your date, focus on the slow burn. The slow burn is the person who gets better over time and would make a great long-term partner.

Dating Isn't Instant Coffee

1) The spark is either there or it isn’tTruth: the spark can grow over time, it takes time for people to grow on someone2) The spark is always a good thingTruth: sometimes there’s a spark just because the person is charismatic or hot  3) The spark means the relationship is going to workoutTruth: the spark doesn’t guarantee a great long-term connection

Spark Or No Spark

<ul><li>Looks and money don’t matter in a long term partner as much as we think they do because we adapt to our circumstances over time</li><li>You don’t necessarily need someone with the same personality as you. You want someone whose personality complements yours.</li><li>You don’t necessarily need someone with the same hobbies as you. As long as you each have space to pursue your hobbies, you can make it work.</li></ul>

Stuff That Is Useless In Long Term Partners

<ul><li>Stop treating dates like job interviews, get out of work mode and focus on connecting with the person instead.</li><li>Instead of trying to be interesting, aim to be interested.</li><li>Be a good listener, ask follow up questions, and really get to know the person you’re on a date with</li></ul>People disproportionately remember things on how they end so try to end the date on a high note such as giving them a meaningful compliment or sharing a dessert at the end of dinner.

Make Dating Fun

<ul><li>Aim to find someone great, put in the effort, and create the relationship you want </li><li>A huge percentage of the success in a relationship is the effort you put into making it work</li></ul>Have hard conversations to make sure both of you are heading in the same direction before getting married:<ul><li>Where will you live?</li><li>Do you want kids?</li><li>How will you manage your money?</li></ul>

Tips For Long Term Relationship Success

Our mindset matters! The ability to shift your mindset from soul mate to work-it-out beliefs could mean the difference between finding a life partner or not.People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process.Our belief in fate and fairy tales—caused in part by Disney movies, rom-coms, and social media—creates unrealistic expectations for finding and sustaining relationships. Remember, no one is perfect, including you. Even Prince Charming has morning breath.

Disney Gave Wrong Expectations

Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.By waiting to date, Hesitaters miss out on a chance to develop their dating skills and figure out what type of person they want to be with.Here’s how you can learn to overcome your hesitation:<ul><li>Set deadlines for yourself.</li><li>Do prep work for your new dating life.</li><li>Tell others about your plan.</li><li>Commit to your new identity as a “dater.”</li><li>Start with small goals.</li><li>Be compassionate with yourself.</li><li>Don't talk about your Ex.</li></ul>

Perfection Is A Lie: Don't Wait

Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before. But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioural science, we can take control of our love lives.

A “must-read” (The Washington Post) funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love. Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how. This “simple-to-use guide” (Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn: -What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern) -What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t) -How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you) -How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love) -How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews) -Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway) This “data-driven” (Time), step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

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