An act of deception can be detrimental, leading to hurt feelings, damaged relationships, and even imprisonment. Lying can lead to cheating or stealing, among other sinister motives. There is, however, a way to detect lies before they do any damage.

20 Ways To Spot Deception Before You Fall for It

Detecting deception is a valuable skill for anyone to learn. It helps people make<a href="https://motivatedprogress.com/how-to-make-better-decisions/"> intelligent choices </a>with business, friendships, and more. It can save you years of wasted effort and help you dodge scams. You’ll also save the confidence you’d lose from someone taking advantage of you.

Detect deception

<ul><li>Self-deception is also known as lying to yourself and believing it. </li><li><a href="https://motivatedprogress.com/the-dangers-of-confirmation-bias-and-10-ways-to-stop-it/">Confirmation bias </a>is a delusional thought someone believes despite proof that it’s false. </li><li>Exaggeration makes something seem much better or worse than it was.</li><li>An omission is a primarily true story, except the deceiver doesn’t include the vital aspects that make it a lie.</li><li>Denial or refusal to admit the truth.</li><li>Gaslighting or misleading someone into thinking they’re going crazy.</li><li>Self-serving lies and manipulation are falsehoods to get what the deceiver wants.</li></ul>

Types of deception

People who habitually lie all the time are considered pathological liars. It’s not a big deal to them, and they’ll lie to anyone. They will lie easily and not feel remorse for it.

Beware of pathological liars

Deception can be harmful, leading to hurt feelings, damaged relationships, and even prison time. Lies can have nefarious purposes, such as cheating or stealing. But there are ways to spot it before it causes damage.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Motivated Progress

Too needy – or afraid to commit? Your attachment style is shaped by your upbringing, but you can alter it.

How to be more secure in your relationships..

The child psychologist John Bowlby, who argued for our deep-seated desire for affection early in life, founded attachment science in the 1950s.

1.Your attachment style has its roots in your childhood.

Early life experiences with your caregivers affect your expectations of what to expect from relationships throughout your life, both consciously and unconsciously.

2.Your attachment style plays out in your adult relationships.

This will assist you in comprehending why you behave in certain ways in relationships.

3.Identify your current attachment style.

A secure attachment style exists, as well as three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. The common thread between them all is that you often expect to get treated based on how you got treated.

4.Understand the four attachment styles.

You're more prone to repeat the same behaviours and conflicts if you and your relationship partner don't understand each other's attachment patterns.

5.Examine the attachment styles of those you love.

There are ways to start changing your attachment style intentionally, not just in romantic relationships, but also with friends, family, and coworkers, if you want to. Part of this entails recognising patterns in your behaviour and practising alternate responses.

6.Work towards changing your attachment style.

You can now take a breath, and try to prevent an angry, defensive response that you might have reached for in the past...

Too clingy – or too scared to commit? Your attachment style is rooted in your childhood, but you can change it

health

Health

How to be more secure in your relationships | Psyche Guides

The Kindness Test is the world's largest survey on what it means to be kind. It's shed light on the barriers that stop us from being kind – but also that empathy truly is international.More than 60,000 people from 144 countries chose to take part, making it the world's largest psychological study on the topic of kindness.

Being Kinder

<ul><li>The biggest factor associated with kindness wasn't age or income, but personality.</li><li>People who talk to strangers more often not only observe but receive more kindness themselves.</li><li>Our fears of talking to strangers usually don't live up to reality and people tend to enjoy it more than they expect to.</li><li>When regions of the world were compared, the fear of misinterpretation was lower in the US than in the UK or in countries in Africa.</li><li>In the US, the use of social media was more often given as a barrier to kindness</li></ul>

The Global Kindness Study: Results

The Kindness Test is the world's largest survey on what it means to be kind. It's shed light on the barriers that stop us being kind – but also that empathy truly is international.

philosophy

Philosophy

What stops people from being kinder?

As we juggle the demands of this ongoing pandemic, friendships have shifted in all sorts of unexpected ways. Many people now seem to have less stamina for socializing.People became used to having smaller social circles, and some realized they prefer keeping it that way. As a result, these people might be more choosy about the friendships they do invest time in. That’s mostly a good thing, but it can be painful for the people who are hurt that they are no longer a priority.

Fewer Friends For All

A lopsided friendship happens when one friend is more active in maintaining contact and the other friend is more passive about keeping the connection going. It’s understandable to be sad or upset if you’re the one constantly reaching out, sending thoughtful messages and asking if you can schedule brunch or happy hour together.We live longer if we feel connected and supported. So when someone expresses that they’re perhaps not as interested in being friends with us or they need a break or whatever, that can trigger this innate fear inside of us that we’re going to be alone or unvalued.

Lopsided Friendships

It’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume that if we don’t hear from someone as often as we’d like to, that means they don’t like us, or they don’t value our friendship. More likely: The other person is just busy — it’s not that deep.The solution for baseless assumptions? Challenge these beliefs, which are likely way off-base. Are these negative thoughts based in reality, or is this your insecurity speaking?

Resist the Urge to Make Assumptions

People often wait to alert their friend to an issue until it’s boiled over from annoyance to full-on anger. The best time to address the issue is when you begin feeling that distance or imbalance in the relationship.You might be tempted to blurt out, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while. What gives?” But that could put your friend on the defence. Instead, let them know you’re reaching out to them out of a desire for their company, and not accusing them of what they’re failing to do.

Invite, Don’t Accuse

Your friend may be feeling like this is more of a logistics problem, and isn’t aware that you’re open to changing your established routine. So the next time you reach out, you could say something like:<ul><li>Would you want to try something different the next time we meet? Maybe we can grab tea instead of cocktails?</li><li>Instead of meeting up for brunch, maybe we could grab a coffee or go for a walk in the park?</li><li>Maybe we can go on a double date so we can include our significant others?</li></ul>

Be Flexible

Your friend also might prefer to change the mode and frequency of communication. Maybe texting is better for them instead of taking phone calls. Or they might want to talk on the phone once a week instead of exchanging DMs on a social platform they’re no longer using. Ask!

Changing The Medium

Lots of people may find themselves on the opposite side of the spectrum: They’re the ones who are too snowed under to invest in their friendships. In this case, it is your responsibility, as a friend, to let the other person know about what they can expect from you for the foreseeable future. It saves a lot of heartache for everyone if you tell them the truth about what is going on with you.

If You’re the One Who Can’t Prioritize Your Friendships, Be Upfront About It

If you need to let a friend know you won’t be as available in the future try saying this:<ul><li>I know we tend to talk on the phone for hours, but I probably have an hour max on Sundays before I have to prepare for the week.</li><li>It’s been really hard for me to talk on the phone lately, so texting is the best way to reach me these next few weeks.</li><li>Hey, I know we usually talk every week. In this season of work, I’m swamped. I’ll drop you a line when things calm down.</li></ul>

Giving The Signal

If you think a pal is way less (or way more) invested than you are, here’s what to do.

How to handle a lopsided friendship

Forgiveness is often viewed as the “happily ever after” ending in a story of wrongdoing or injustice. Someone enacts harm, the typical arc goes, but eventually sees the error of their ways and offers a heartfelt apology. “Can you ever forgive me?” Then you, the hurt person, are faced with a choice: Show them mercy — granting yourself peace in the process — or hold a grudge forever. The choice is yours.It’s reasonable to expect an apology when you’re the one who has been hurt or betrayed. But that’s not how it works in practice.

Forgiveness

<ul><li> How do you forgive someone who isn’t all that sorry, or who you can’t actually engage with?</li><li>Forgiveness exists separately from reconciliation, and also from accountability — which is why forgiving someone doesn’t require an apology or even their participation. </li><li>Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people trying to make their way back together to mutual trust.</li></ul>

Forgiving Someone Who Isn't Sorry

Forgiveness might be a step on the path to reconciliation, but you don’t have to traverse the full route if you’d prefer not to.While forgiveness is separate from accountability, it’s not at odds with seeking justice. Many people think it’s either/or, rather than both. Forgiving someone can help you take a more clear-eyed approach to justice because you’re no longer seething with rage.

Expand Your View of What Forgiveness Is

<ul><li>Forgiveness does not require you to pretend the hurt didn't happen.</li><li>Forgiveness doesn't have to exist anywhere outside of you.</li><li>You are the one who was wronged, so why do you have to now give them something?</li><li>Once you remove reconciliation as a goal, it's easier to see how forgiveness will benefit you as much as - if not more than - the other person.</li></ul>

Think of Forgiveness as Something You’re Doing Primarily for Yourself

Being willing to let go of the anger and hurt can be one of the hardest aspects of forgiving someone, especially someone who isn’t sorry or who hasn’t apologized. In these instances, it can sometimes feel like your wound is all you have: It serves as proof that an awful thing happened to you and really was as terrible as it felt. Forgiving someone, then, can feel like you’re capitulating — like you’re acquiescing to their view of events when you know in your heart they did something wrong.

Don’t Let Fear of “losing” Stand in The Way of Forgiving Someone

<ul><li>Hang on to anger for a short time because it shows you're a person of worth and dignity, and no one should treat you this way</li><li>Over time, it brings us down with fatigue, rumination, and becoming far more pessimistic in life.</li></ul>

Witness The Anger

The person who has been treated unfairly focuses on the effects of the injustice in their life. These effects might be things like monetary costs, lost time, ongoing anxiety, depression, anger, sleep problems, or a more pessimistic worldview. In a lot of instances, people don’t even realize how much the injustice is still impacting their life.In this stage, you’re also asked to think about what solutions you’ve already tried for these problems and the extent to which they’ve led to meaningful improvements or change.

The Uncovering Phase

Researchers have led to the development of a step-by-step process for forgiveness, which can happen in therapy (ideally with someone who is trained in forgiveness therapy), or through a self-guided process using a workbook.There are four major phases of forgiveness: uncovering, decision, work, discovery, and forgiveness.

There’s Real Work Involved in Forgiving, and It Takes Time

This is where you’ll determine whether you want to try to forgive the person who hurt you. And the answer might be no! Maybe it’s too soon and the pain is too fresh, or you just know you’re not ready to let go of the anger. That’s okay; this is a process you can always return to, and, eventually, you might find that you want to forgive.

The Decision Phase

At this point, you’ll aim to broaden your narrative about the other person and develop empathy for them. So you might think about how they were raised, what difficult things happened in their life that led them to this point, and the ways in which that person is vulnerable. You start telling that story to yourself, over and over, we see a little bit of empathy, a little tiny bit of compassion, a little bit of softening of the heart. That takes time, and definitely can’t be engineered through therapy; it has to emerge.

The Work Phase

<ul><li>One way to do this is to think of your pain on a scale of 1–10, and to visualize that amount of pain in a heavy sack that you are holding on your back. </li><li>Acknowledge that it’s there, be aware of it, and stay with it. </li><li>Don’t try to run away from it. Don’t try to take anything out of it. Just let it be. What we find is, that when people do that, that sack tends to shrink. </li><li>This part of the process can also help you rebuild self-esteem because it’s a reminder of what you’re capable of.</li></ul>

Work Phase: Standing In The Pain

This is when you’ll reflect on the meaning you’ve found in your life from this experience. What we tend to find a lot of times is people become much more attuned to the wounds within other people. You may realize that you’ve become more patient with strangers, or less judgmental of coworkers or friends because you have a newfound understanding of how they might also be struggling.Going through this might also have made you feel more connected to other people, as you realize you’re not alone in the injustice you suffered.

The Discovery Phase

Being ready to forgive someone who hurt you takes time, as does the work of forgiving them. It’s impossible to know when — or if — you’ll ever be ready. If now doesn’t seem to be the time, that’s okay. We’re in relationships with many people over the course of a whole lifetime. Things can shift in surprising and sometimes dramatic ways just with the passage of time.

The Act Of Forgiveness

Some people will never admit wrongdoing. It’s still possible for you to move forward.

How to forgive someone who isn’t sorry

If there’s one thing we avoid, it’s feeling bored. And worse is being boring to others. Boredom is the state of feeling unhappy or dissatisfied because of a lack of interest or having nothing to do.

Being perceived as boring

Studies found that boredom did have negative consequences, in that people became more negative towards outsiders because it makes them feel better about their own group, and is also associated with aggression. Feelings of boredom typically led to feelings of nostalgia, with people finding a sense of comfort or interest in reminiscing about the past. However, boredom has a psychological purpose. It pushes people to search for new things they would find meaningful or valuable, which is a positive outcome.

Then pros and cons of boredom

<ul><li>Volunteers in a study reported that the five most boring jobs were data analysis, accounting, tax/insurance, cleaning, and banking.</li><li>The most boring hobbies included sleeping, religion, watching TV, observing animals, and doing math.</li><li>Attributes that made a person stereotypically boring were having no interests, no sense of humour, no opinions, or complaining too much. </li><li>People who had stereotypically boring characteristics were more likely to be automatically perceived as incompetent and cold.</li></ul>

Stereotypical features that lead to a person being perceived as boring by others

He’s also come up with a list of jobs considered the most boring by people. Is yours on it?

How to Not Be Boring, According to a Psychologist Who Researches Boredom

We frequently prefer to suffer in silence or try to do everything alone rather than ask for help since it is so uncomfortable.Many people thought that asking for help even for a small task would reveal their weakness, but the thoughts are not always accurate. So keep in mind the following points while you are asking for HELP..

How to ask for help..

It can provide you with much-needed practical and emotional support while also protecting you from burnout.

1.Asking for help can be uncomfortable, but it’s a Vital skill

Self-criticism, fears about how others will see you, and other ideas and thoughts might deter people from seeking treatment, although they aren't always reasonable or truthful.

2.Check your assumptions about asking for help.

There are advantages and disadvantages to asking for help, but the long-term rewards frequently surpass any short-term expenses. Bh

3.Make a decision to ask for help.

Consider who has the skills, abilities, or information to effectively assist you – and who is likely to respond positively to the request.

4.Choose whom to ask.

Give someone time to consider your request for assistance if at all possible, and avoid asking when they are agitated or upset.

5.Consider the best time to ask.

As you ask for help, pay attention to any feelings of fear, anxiety, or humiliation that occur. Make a list of your feelings, muster your bravery, and ask anyhow.

6.Ask in the face of discomfort.

Be open, direct and respectful: eg, ‘I’ve been struggling with ____. Would you be willing to ____?’.

7.Use assertive communication skills.

Make your request as simple and specific as possible. If you're not sure what kind of assistance you require, see if you can discuss it together.

8.Be as clear as possible about what you need.

Don't assume the worst when it comes to why someone has turned you down. Obtaining assistance frequently necessitates contacting a number of people.

9.If the request is denied, consider other options.

It’s not always easy to ask for help but, fortunately, it is a skill that can be improved.

You’re not weak or lazy – everyone needs support. Follow these steps to learn when to reach out, who to go to and what to say

problemsolving

Problem Solving

How to ask for help | Psyche Guides

The Frankfurt School had the luxury and misfortunate privilege of existing in unique times. During the Interwar Period (1918-1939) in the heart of rising Fascism an incredible group of academics and scholars found each other in Germany with a like-minded goal: to provide societal research and reach greater understanding. These are the goals of philosophy in a nutshell. Erich Fromm was part of this group.

What Was The Frankfurt School?

A little perspective is required to understand Fromm’s pursuit and interest in Love. Erich Fromm grew up and got a Ph.D. from the University of Heidelberg in Germany in 1922. He wrote his final dissertation, “On Jewish Law”, as a nod to his Jewish parents and roots.Those aware of history know that this time of the Interwar period is one of the single worst examples of persecution in recorded history. Erich Fromm dealt with this hatred over the next 20 years of his life, and his experiences are key to the fundamental premise of his work entitled The Art of Loving, published in 1956.

Erich Fromm - The Art Of Loving

Erich Fromm was forced to flee Germany during the Fascist takeover in the 1930s. He first went to Geneva, ultimately finding residency at Columbia University in New York.During this time Fromm began wondering about what was wrong with humanity.The fundamental problem of humanity, according to what Fromm learned from his colleagues at The Frankfurt School, is divisiveness. More importantly, as conscious and rational creatures we notice that we are fundamentally separate. As a result, we face a deep existential loneliness, which is behind many of humanities’ problems in contemporary times.

The Fundamental Separateness

This existential loneliness that affects humanity comes from our ability to judge and be aware of our own actions. Our search for a tribe or a group often finds us excluding those not in that tribe. Some of the time the tribe we want to belong to excludes us or perhaps we are within the tribe but do not feel the inclusion we thought we would find there.

The Search For A Tribe

Yet, Fromm noticed something unexpected while working on the problem facing humanity. Everybody was already searching for Love. People were obsessed with the idea. Books on Love were being taken off all the shelves in every book store. Singles clubs were rapidly becoming popular and romantic ads filled newspapers.So, what was wrong? Why were people not finding the Love necessary to combat this feeling of separateness? Like realizing that fire can not fight a fire, Fromm realized feelings could not stop feelings. Fromm concluded that Love had to be a type of practice.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

<h4>“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.”</h4>What Erich Fromm means by immature love is love generated from a point of narcissism. The most narcissistic facet of this type of love is a transactional relationship. This is exemplified by turning the loved one and relationship itself into a commodity.

Mature and Immature Love

Our contemporary understanding of love and how we find love falls into this category, as illustrated by our use of dating app sites that specifically limit the number of matches that you can have or profiles that you can see based on the level of income and other filters. Fromm would see this commodification as an institutionalization of Immature Love, a path that surely drives existential loneliness to new extremes.

The Commodification And Institutionalization Of Immature Love

The answers to these issues with love and loneliness are found in The Frankfurt School and Erich Fromm’s other major work, Escape from Freedom (1941). In this work, Fromm describes a problem we can still see in contemporary society: Individuation. This individualization that occurs leads society right back to that problem of love and separateness. Our existential loneliness leads us to make decisions that temporarily remove that existential loneliness. We strive to be free of loneliness, even if only for a while.

Erich Fromm - Escape From Freedom

Negative Freedom according to Erich Fromm is the “freedom from”. This type of freedom has been gradually increasing within society ever since the time of hunter-gatherer tribes, where humanity started. It represents the removal of things that can control us entirely: freedom from hunger, freedom from preventable diseases. These types of things that our society has given us are all negative freedoms.

Negative Freedom - Freedom *From*

Positive Freedom, on the other hand, is a sort of “freedom to”. For example, we have the opportunity to choose what things we pursue. If we have “freedom to” then we are not restricted to a life of needs; we are not limited to a caste we may be born into. We have a reasonable amount of goods to get us through life – food, water, shelter, and other basic things we need to possess. Having covered our basic needs, society now provides near endless opportunities to people in a society that has positive freedoms. Yet, we still have a problem.

Positive Freedom - Freedom *To*

Those who find this “freedom to” in front of them may have a negative response to opportunity. They may see all that opportunity and freedom and wish for a more rigid way of life, a life where choice is limited in advance instead of the weight of endless possibilities they can choose for themselves. Fromm believed that these people are sadomasochists.

Positive Freedom Has Opponents

Sadomasochists wish for there to be an order or hierarchy that limits the access to positive freedom; they are more comfortable when there is an order and ranks within society. In agreeing to this rank they submit themselves to hierarchy and restrictions in life. This is the masochist in them. The sadist in them is the part that uses their position in this hierarchy to control those beneath them with less “freedom to”.

Freedom From, Freedom To, And Sadomasochists

Here, it’s easy to see the correlation between the philosophy Erich Fromm developed and the life he lived in Germany. Seeing his country tear itself apart with authoritarian principles and people willfully submitting to and using the power of hierarchical society to feel less existential loneliness for themselves was jarring to all the scholars of The Frankfurt School.

Shying Away From Freedom, To Submission And Abuse

This submission to social hierarchy is easy to see in retrospect, but during the time Fromm was living in it was much harder. Erich Fromm put forward this idea of people shying away from freedom and leaning toward authoritarian principles in the late 1920s. The original argument by The Frankfurt School was that if 15% of the population were adamantly democratic and only 10% of the population was adamantly authoritarian, then the country would be fine, as there would be 75% of people in the center to lean in favor of democratic principles.

Seeing the Problem Ahead of Time

Erich Fromm argued that if the people in society that are part of the 75% – the neutral, majority party – had a fundamental misunderstanding of Love and Freedom, which they did, then the 75% would be more likely to fall into authoritarianism. This is because authoritarianism pushes you into a group or at least into a group role. Being part of a group always feels better than the loneliness you face when you’re alone, unless you are comfortable with loneliness.

Authoritarianism Pushes Us Into Tribes 

Erich Fromm believed that the solution to this behavior in society and to our existential loneliness that causes it is one the same thing: it is to Love effectively. Shockingly, Fromm’s idea for this solution started ironically: Love should begin with being comfortable with loneliness. Being comfortable with loneliness means being comfortable with yourself. This is a sign of personal strength according to the thinkers of the Frankfurt School.

The Solution: To Love Effectively

This comfort with loneliness and ourselves helps us see that everyone is struggling with the same things. Every race, sex, gender, and all peoples live in a society.Everyone within society struggles with loneliness and finding a place to fit in. Noticing this truth is the first step to real love.

To Love Effectively Is To Be Comfortable With Loneliness

When we have humility we can avoid the egoism that plagues most relationships, romantic or otherwise. We should avoid the commodification of both ourselves and the other person by seeing that they do not need to justify themselves and prove their worth to remove your loneliness. This is because your loneliness is part of you and their loneliness is part of them. This is the first, and most important, aspect of Love to Erich Fromm.

The First Aspect Of Love - Humility

The next two aspects of love that are required to change our understanding go hand in hand: they are courage and faith. Courage to Fromm is by far the most difficult of the aspects to achieve. Most likely you and all of us are part of the neutral group of society that simply does not wish to be affected by ideological principles of the extremes in society. If you then try to change your understanding of love and begin to see people for who they are you will begin to give out love selflessly to everyone that you meet.

The Next Two Aspects Of Love - Courage And Faith

No one needs to justify themselves to you and this creates an atmosphere of sincerity; and sincerity is love. More importantly, that is where the faith aspect comes in for Fromm. Anyone who gives out love to everyone they meet does not commodify their fellow members of society and trusts that this understanding will spread and benefit everyone who understands and partakes in it.The fourth aspect of Love is diligence and this is the aspect that keeps love going and changes the individual’s life as well as the society they live in.

Loving: Good Faith, Fair Dealing, Due Diligence

This understanding and practice though will inevitably face backlash. People will fight against it because it is scary. Our society, and the society that The Frankfurt School was a part of in the 1930s, have institutionalized the commodification of the people within themselves. Fighting against that institutionalization requires the courage to continue even when you face extreme hatred, as Erich Fromm did when he was labeled a political dissident and forced to flee his nation.

The Persecution Of Bona Fides Love

Many of the descriptions used by Fromm have parallels to our society today. We are feeling more and more lonely in a world that is more and more interconnected. We are seeing into each other’s lives in ways that are inherently commodified. We subscribe to a “grind” mindset that tells us things are either assets or liabilities, defining everyone around us by what they can provide to us and how we can use them. This mindset creates a hierarchical system of values that we apply to people and results in larger and larger groups of people that suffer from existential loneliness.

Erich Fromm: Love in Our Modern Age - Assets And Liabilities

Getting away from this mindset by treating Love not as a feeling and commodity but as an art is the key. Pursuing an art requires courage to continue, humility to understand that you are just beginning in this practice and faith that if you practice with diligence you will become a master of the craft. Becoming a master in the craft of Love will make being in love all the more worth it.

Love As Art - Something To Pursue, To Practice, To Master

Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?

Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one “object” of love. If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism. Yet, most people believe that love is constituted by the object, not by the faculty.

Nationalism is our form of incest, is our idolatry, is our insanity. 'Patriotism' is its cult...Just as love for one individual which excludes the love for others is not love, love for one's country which is not part of one's love for humanity is not love, but idolatrous worship.

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

One of the main scholars of the Frankfurt School was Erich Fromm, an intellectual who, faced with hatred and being labeled a political dissident, chose to study the opposite of what he saw as the main problem facing all of humanity: hate, segregation, and divisiveness. He chose to study Love. 

Erich Fromm was a scholar who fled Germany during the Fascist takeover. This experience gave him a whole new perspective on love.

mentalhealth

Mental Health

The Frankfurt School: Erich Fromm’s Perspective on Love

Humans have a deep-seated need for love and nurturance from their parents or other carers, and if this care is absent or unreliable, it can lead to long-term problems.Ultimately, your attachment style shapes how much you trust others, whether you fear abandonment, and whether you keep your distance from others - or push them away - to avoid intimacy.

Relationship Security: The Facts

Early life experiences with our key caregivers <a href="https://innovation.umn.edu/parent-child/">shape</a> our expectations – consciously and unconsciously – of what to expect from relationships throughout our lives. Unless you understand and seek to change your attachment style, you will likely continue to manage your current relationships based on the habits you learned in childhood from your earliest caregivers.Fortunately, by trying out new behaviours in relationships, and finding new coping behaviours when you’re feeling anxious or stressed, you can change your attachment style, enjoy better relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life.

Your Attachment Style Has Its Roots in Your Childhood

The first step in understanding why you behave the way you do in relationships is to identify your current attachment style. Select which of these four statements you feel best describes you:a) It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others.b) I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.c) I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. d) I am deeply uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it terrifying and chaotic to trust others.

Identify Your Current Attachment Style: Four Statements

Each of the four statements(In the previous stash) corresponds to one of the four main attachment styles recognised by psychologists. If you chose:(a) this suggests you have a secure style; (b) an anxious style; (c) an avoidant style;(d) a disorganised style. There is a secure attachment style, and there are three insecure styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganised. Key to them all is that you often expect to get treated based on how you got treated.

The Attachment Style Results

If you’re fortunate enough to have a secure attachment style, your primary caregivers were probably ‘good enough’  and you are well placed to enjoy healthy relationships in life.

The Secure Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style (sometimes called ‘preoccupied’ or ‘ambivalent’) is often due to inconsistent or intrusive parenting, or a <a href="https://aeon.co/essays/how-can-adults-undo-the-harm-of-being-parentified-as-children">blurring</a> of the boundaries between parent/caregiver and child, for example by exposing the child to inappropriately adult emotions and situations too early in life. If this is your attachment style, then as an adult you probably value closeness and connection but find yourself worrying about upsetting others or being rejected, and you might tend to assume the worst is happening in a relationship.

The Anxious Attachment Style

An avoidant attachment style (sometimes called ‘dismissive-avoidant’ or ‘fearful-avoidant’ depending on the accompanying behaviours) is linked to a caregiver’s consistent and repetitive rejection of the child’s emotional needs. If this was your experience, then as an adult you might find you always try to cope on your own. You probably reject the need for relationships or, if you are in them, you may find it difficult to become emotionally close, or place a lot of value on your partner’s looks.

The Avoidant Attachment Style

The disorganised style (sometimes called ‘disoriented’) – is best thought of as being trapped in, and responding to, a terrifying and incredibly confusing stay/go paradox, where the caregiver (and future potential friends or partners) are both the source of occasional comfort but, more often, the source of threat. This style is <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02650533.2011.598228">linked</a> to serious abuse and neglect in childhood. If this was something you experienced, you might struggle with self-esteem and have perhaps found your subsequent relationships incredibly difficult because of the intense emotions you experience.

The Disorganized Attachment Style

Attachment is fundamentally a science of relationships. Yes, we want to know more about ourselves, but we also want to influence those we care about to feel emotionally safe in their relationship with us. So, once you feel like you understand your own attachment behaviours, start looking to those around you to more fully understand why they behave the way they do in their close relationships.

Examine The Attachment Style Of Others

Partners with a disorganised attachment style lack a coherent approach toward relationships. On the one hand, they want to love and be loved. But they are afraid to get close to anyone because they have a strong fear based on experience – that those closest to them are the most dangerous and will hurt them. Knowing that these partners want relationships, but fear them, can help you tolerate their lack of consistency and behaviours that, on the surface, look like they’re pushing you away.

Empathy For The Disorganized Partner

If you’re struggling to make the changes you want to make in your relationships and you keep making the same mistakes, take a beat and bring yourself back to this key point: you can learn to handle emotions differently; you can change your attachment style; and you can change your expectations about relationships. Attachment style is not destiny – it can change, and you can <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/per.2226?campaign=wolearlyview">choose</a> to change it.

Work Towards Changing Your Attachment Style

Find 100+ Facts about Love & Relationships - Curated from trusted sources like  Books, Podcasts & Articles - Genuine Insights from like-minded Users like You!

Motivated Progress

How to be more secure in your relationships | Psyche Guides

What stops people from being kinder?

How to handle a lopsided friendship

How to forgive someone who isn’t sorry

How to Not Be Boring, According to a Psychologist Who Researches Boredom

How to ask for help | Psyche Guides

The Frankfurt School: Erich Fromm’s Perspective on Love

How to be more secure in your relationships | Psyche Guides

Reality Dating Shows

It's time to
Read like a Pro.

Motivated Progress

How to be more secure in your relationships | Psyche Guides

What stops people from being kinder?

How to handle a lopsided friendship

How to forgive someone who isn’t sorry

How to Not Be Boring, According to a Psychologist Who Researches Boredom

How to ask for help | Psyche Guides

The Frankfurt School: Erich Fromm’s Perspective on Love

How to be more secure in your relationships | Psyche Guides

Reality Dating Shows

It's time to Read like a Pro.

It's time to
Read like a Pro.