We blush when we’ve admitted the uncomfortable possibility of having offended, inconvenienced, or misled someone. This discomfort is a sign of our disdain for personal arrogance; we hold ourselves—sometimes seemingly against our will—to the standards of honesty & humility.

The Blush- When & Why 

We recognize our ability to annoy & harm others in the absence of self-awareness. The underlying questions behind a blush, such as “Does the person with whom I’m infatuated feel the same?” kindly consider the independence of others, & the profound reality of uncertainty.

The Good Of Blushing 

Perhaps the person who never blushes is worse-off: so certain of everything as to think and act arrogantly, with entitlement & a disregard for self-awareness— particularly of one’s own power to affect others through words and actions.

The Non-Blusher 

You shouldn’t feel so fearful & unforgiving of yourself that your every word & action is up to your own critical scrutiny. Self-awareness pairs well with confidence— sociability with humbleness, & kindness with self-respect.

Striking A Balance 

The uncomfortable blood pressure spike & reddening of the face is perhaps not such a misfortune, after all. 

Read our article - In Praise of Blushing. The School Of Life has a huge collection of interesting articles, read now.

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

problemsolving

Problem Solving

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

In Praise of Blushing - The School Of Life

Past research tells us a lot about how we respond to a stranger's unethical behavior, but very little about how we respond when the perpetrator is someone we care deeply about.When someone close to us behaves unethically, we face a conflict between upholding our moral values and maintaining our relationship.

Morals Or Relationships? The Conflict That Inspired The Study

When confronted with unethical actions, participants reacted more leniently to close others, reporting less anger and disgust toward them, rating them as less unethical, and reporting less of a desire to punish or criticize them compared to strangers. Interestingly, participants also reported only a minimal impact on their relationship with those close others.

We Bend Our Morals So As To Not Break Our Relationships

However, at the same time, participants also exhibited harsher responses towards themselves, such as greater embarrassment, shame, and guilt and sometimes even lower ratings of their own morality when close others compared to strangers transgressed.

But By Bending Our Morals We Make Ourselves Feel Bent

The most interesting finding of the study is the deep ambivalence we find when people respond to close others' unethical actions. There is a surprising irony in people's responses, that by protecting close others, the self seems to bear some of the burden of their misbehavior. We seem to maintain our relationships with unethical close others by reacting leniently, but our moral values still lead us to still feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty about their actions.

A Burden (We Feel) We Want To Share And Carry, But Really Can’t

People place great value on their close relationships. People are committed to their loved ones, have investments in their relationships, and rely on their close others to fulfill fundamental needs.However, people also care deeply about being moral. Most individuals internalize the desire to be a good person and avoid contact, let alone connection, to another unethical person.

Why Do We Become The Rope In This Tug-Of-War?

If our loved ones behave in a way that violates our moral values, what do we do? One option to maintain our moral values is to distance ourselves from close others who transgress by exiting the relationship, but given our reliance on those we care about, this is extremely costly. It is far less costly, and preferable, to avoid seeing a close other negatively even in the face of their bad behavior. Leniency allows us to maintain our relationships.

Why Are We Lenient To Those Close To Us?

When judging a close others' bad behavior, we tend to view the act itself as less unethical.For instance, people judge the unethical act of putting a bar bill on someone else's hotel tab as less unethical if it's committed by a romantic partner or friend compared to if it was committed by a stranger. By viewing the act itself as less bad, we're in turn able to perceive our close others less negatively, maintaining our relationship.

We Judge The Deed According To The Doer And Then Both Separately

The study also finds some evidence that people tend to attribute close others' bad behavior more to situational factors (e.g., "He was so drunk that he was not thinking clearly") rather than internal, trait-based factors (e.g., "He is vindictive and petty") compared to a stranger's bad behavior where we find the opposite. Attributing bad behavior to the situation again allows us to view our close others in a more positive light.

“It Was The Situation, Not The Person”

Despite responding more leniently towards close others who transgress, people felt worse about themselves when people they love misbehave by feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. This finding is anticipated by the research on moral contagion.The study finds evidence that having a connection to the perpetrator, through a close bond, may enhance the sense that a close other's bad behavior somehow reflects upon you.

Contracting Immorality And Looking It

For example, if a person finds out their romantic partner spread an untrue rumor about one of their coworkers, they tend to feel guilty and ashamed of the behavior, even though they didn't do anything wrong themselves. This is likely due to the shared sense of identity we have with those we care about and therefore we feel partially at fault when they behave badly.

“I Am Part Of You, Therefore I Am Involved In Your Actions”

We are grappling with a dilemma that so many people have faced these past few weeks: How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?The ambivalence we feel when confronted with close others' bad behavior is difficult to reconcile. When faced with a loved ones' unethical behavior, it's important to reflect on our moral values and whether the act itself fits within those values.

Α Question To Ask Ourselves: Does This Act Fit (With) Me?

A new study investigates why we might be too easy on our loved ones' (and too harsh on ourselves) when they indulge in unethical behavior. Psychologist Rachel Forbes, the author of the paper, discusses how we behave when the ones we love misbehave.


Psychologist Rachel Forbes discusses how we behave when the ones we love misbehave.


Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

Do We Let Our Loved Ones Off The Hook Too Easily?


When is it ok to say "this isn't really working for me anymore"?We as humans shed our needs constantly, and relationships are no different.Friendships, be they short or long, are woven in and out of the fabric of our lives on this earth.No friendship should be transactional, conditional, or hallow. If you don't know where you stand with a friend, it's time to leave.

The Time To Let Go Of A Friend

After spending time with a friend, do you feel whole, loving, *energized*, and informed? Legit HAPPY? Well, great! You have a good friend who is filling your soul! Make sure you’re checking in on them as much as they do for you—they are gem humans with insight and empathy, and they deserve that same energy back from the people in their lives.It’s a huge red flag, and time to set boundaries with that person—or, soon enough, leave the friendship altogether—when your friend doesn’t have the same capacity for you; when you feel depleted after spending time with them.

When You Aren’t Replenished by What You Put Into Your Friendship

Whether it’s a committed relationship, having a baby, a change in job location, the fact that one of you is sobering up, interests change (see above); these are the things every adult struggles with when they have a longstanding friendship. For the sake of your new life, you *must* cut off the people who aren’t supporting you through those beautiful but difficult transitions. You owe it to yourself to be your favourite person if they aren’t equipped to be.

When Milestones Drift You Apart

If you don’t know where you stand with a friend, it’s time to leave. Walls are built up and it is not your job to break them down.Just because you’ve invested time in a friendship doesn’t mean you must stay to see it through—gone are the days we say that for romantic relationships; we shouldn’t say it for friendships, either.If you have someone in your life who you want to let go of so they can grow (and so you can, too), leaving them to do just that is a gift. It can lead you to a little diner—out from the cold, and into the warmth of a new friendship.

When You Don’t Feel the Partnership Is Equal

What happens when you need to let go of a friend? When is it ok to say “this isn’t really working for me anymore”? Have you thought about friend breakups as much as I have in adulthood? To me—a person in a committed, monogamous relationship—this is as close as I’ve come to dating in a while, and it’s just as difficult to navigate.

Decluttering Friendships: When Is It Time to Let Go?

Dale Carnegie's book has sold over thirty million copies, and nearly a century later it still sells more than a quarter-million copies each year.He encourages people to listen, be interested in others, speak to them from their point of view, sincerely flatter others, seek similarity, avoid conflict, and many other things that seem obvious, but that we all routinely forget to do.However, his methods can be manipulative and lead to shallow friendships.

Friendship: How to Win Friends and Influence People

We don't want awful people to exploit our weaknesses, but the irony is that our weaknesses are where trust comes fromHow do you signal you're trustworthy? By trusting someone else.<ul><li>Vulnerability tells people they're part of an exclusive club.</li><li>Not only is vulnerability effective, but it's also not quite as dangerous as you think.</li><li>Psychology has documented the "beautiful mess effect"-that we consistently overestimate how negatively our errors will be perceived.</li><li>The occasional screw-up is a positive.</li></ul>

The Answer: Being Vulnerable

As long as you feel emotionally safe and you're getting a positive reception, share more.<ul><li>Not being vulnerable kills friendships.</li><li>Not opening up prolongs minor illnesses, increases the likelihood of a first heart attack, and doubles the chance it being lethal.</li></ul>

If It Feels Uncomfortable And Scary, Say It

Make the time, vulnerably share your thoughts, and raise the stakes.<ul><li>If all goes well, they do the same.</li><li>With trust established, we can ignore costs to a greater degree, as can they.</li><li>If they are a true friend, it will feel natural to help them when they are in need.</li></ul>

The Bottom Line

Friendship took a real beating during the pandemic. So how to we get closer to our friends and make new ones? Here's what science says...

This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 2 Secrets From Research - Barking Up The Wrong Tree

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.Most people had not honoured even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.


1. Courage to live your life 

2.  wish I hadn't worked so hard. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

3. I had courage to express my feelings.

Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.

4. I wished to stay in touch with my friends.

The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Revised edition of the best-selling memoir that has been read by over a million people worldwide with translations in 29 languages. After too many years of unfulfilling work, Bronnie Ware began searching for a job with heart. Despite having no formal qualifications or previous experience in the field, she found herself working in palliative care. During the time she spent tending to those who were dying, Bronnie's life was transformed. Later, she wrote an Internet blog post, outlining the most common regrets that the people she had cared for had expressed. The post gained so much momentum that it was viewed by more than three million readers worldwide in its first year. At the request of many, Bronnie subsequently wrote a book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, to share her story. Bronnie has had a colourful and diverse life. By applying the lessons of those nearing their death to her own life, she developed an understanding that it is possible for everyone, if we make the right choices, to die with peace of mind. In this revised edition of the best-selling memoir that has been read by over a million people worldwide, with translations in 29 languages, Bronnie expresses how significant these regrets are and how we can positively address these issues while we still have the time. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying gives hope for a better world. It is a courageous, life-changing book that will leave you feeling more compassionate and inspired to live the life you are truly here to live.

parenting

Parenting

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

Revised edition of the best-selling memoir that has been read by over a million people worldwide with translations in 29 languages. After too many years of unfulfilling work, Bronnie Ware began searching for a job with heart. Despite having no formal qualifications or previous experience in the field, she found herself working in palliative care. During the time she spent tending to those who were dying, Bronnie's life was transformed. Later, she wrote an Internet blog post, outlining the most common regrets that the people she had cared for had expressed. The post gained so much momentum that it was viewed by more than three million readers worldwide in its first year. At the request of many, Bronnie subsequently wrote a book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, to share her story. Bronnie has had a colourful and diverse life. By applying the lessons of those nearing their death to her own life, she developed an understanding that it is possible for everyone, if we make the right choices, to die with peace of mind. In this revised edition of the best-selling memoir that has been read by over a million people worldwide, with translations in 29 languages, Bronnie expresses how significant these regrets are and how we can positively address these issues while we still have the time. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying gives hope for a better world. It is a courageous, life-changing book that will leave you feeling more compassionate and inspired to live the life you are truly here to live.

Bronnie Ware

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Depending on how we answer whether someone likes us or not, we will either take steps to deepen the friendship or make moves to withdraw to spare ourselves humiliation and embarrassment. We assume that the other person must settle this, and we can do nothing to shift the verdict. However, we fail to realise that we often don't know what we think of other people. What usually helps us decide what someone means to us is our sense of what we mean to them.

We want to know whether or not someone likes us

The possibility of friendship often hangs in the balance because both sides are quietly waiting for a sign of whether they are liked before they dare to show any enthusiasm.  Most of it depends on how we behave towards them. We have every opportunity to persuade them to see us in a positive light by showing them that we see them in a positive light.

See people in a positive light

How we can show charm:<ul><li>We can remember small things about the other person.</li><li>Show interest in what they have been up to</li><li>Laugh at their witty comments</li><li>Sympathise with them about their sorrows</li></ul> Once you have carried out this set of techniques, you have to be highly unlucky to talk to people who show no interest in a friendship.

Use the full range of techniques for charm

Friendship cannot develop unless one side is willing to show they are ready to like when there is no evidence of being liked back. Whether or not the person likes us will depend on what we do, not on what we are by nature. They may initially look a little distracted and behave in an off-hand way, but if we keep showing them warmth and encouragement to help them overcome their self-suspicion, the barriers will eventually come down.

Friendship requires risk

Strategies to meet new people and reconnect with old friends

books

Books

How To Make Friends As An Adult

We spend an inordinate amount of time concentrating on the question of whether or not we are liked. It would be a great deal wiser to put our energy into actually proving likeable and persuading our audience of our affection for them. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2LayJ9F For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2RQW2sV Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://bit.ly/2JYouWR 2DAODLd FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2JXaFrX “One of the most acute questions we ask ourselves in relation to new friends and acquaintances is whether or not they like us. The question feels so significant because, depending on how we answer it in our minds, we will either take steps to deepen the friendship or, as is often the case, immediately make moves to withdraw from it so as to spare ourselves humiliation and embarrassment.” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Visit us in person at our London HQ: https://bit.ly/2T7u1yP Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Download our App: https://www.theschooloflife.com/app-2/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Nick Hilditch https://nickhilditch.com/

videos

Videos

We spend an inordinate amount of time concentrating on the question of whether or not we are liked. It would be a great deal wiser to put our energy into actually proving likeable and persuading our audience of our affection for them.
Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2LayJ9F
For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2RQW2sV
Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://bit.ly/2JYouWR
2DAODLd

FURTHER READING

You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2JXaFrX

“One of the most acute questions we ask ourselves in relation to new friends and acquaintances is whether or not they like us. The question feels so significant because, depending on how we answer it in our minds, we will either take steps to deepen the friendship or, as is often the case, immediately make moves to withdraw from it so as to spare ourselves humiliation and embarrassment.”


MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Visit us in person at our London HQ: https://bit.ly/2T7u1yP

Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: 
http://bit.ly/TSOLself

You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 
Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB 


SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

Download our App: https://www.theschooloflife.com/app-2/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/  
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife   
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ 


CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Nick Hilditch
https://nickhilditch.com/

We're interested in self-understanding, calm and emotional maturity.

We have thousands of articles about emotional life for you on our website: www.theschooloflife.com

We offer online psychotherapy: www.theschooloflife.com/therapy

We publish one film a week, on Wednesdays at 14.00hrs GMT.

The School of Life

How to Stop Worrying Whether or Not They Like You

Modern day vampires are people around you filled with toxicity and often leaves negative impact on you or end up exhausting your energy hence the term "ENERGY VAMPIRE"Energy vampires are people who — sometimes intentionally — drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them, leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed.

Vampires Exists But They Are Not Who You Think.

What makes energy vampires so toxic is that they can be sources of chronic stress,. Especially if the energy vampire is someone you can’t avoid such as friend,a parent,boss etc. constantly having your energy drained by that individual is a stressor,that type of chronic stress is well known to have pretty bad effects on multiple systems in the body, including the immune, cardiovascular, neuroendocrine and central nervous systems. Evidence shows that people under chronic stress are at a higher risk of chronic problems ranging from autoimmune diseases to heart disease, obesity and depression.

Spending Too Much Time With Them Is A Health Hazard

1) Be clear about your boundaries with them.2) Adjust your expectations.3) Be intentional about how much space they have in your life.4) Don’t engage energy vampires.5) Do not overreact.6) Say No nicely.7) Cut them out of your life if you can.

Seven Easy Steps To Deal With Energy Vampires In Your Life.

Read about how to identify people and who to steer clear from in a bunch of really wise articles and it helped me spend my emotional energy a little less.

Energy vampires are people who drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them. They leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Starting to sound familiar? Here's how to identify and respond to this toxic behavior.

mentalhealth

Mental Health

Vampires walking around you.

If you want to keep people in your life, you have to tell them and be ready to put in the effort.Whether you've just moved away from your friend or you've been apart for years, long-distance friendships require a reciprocal commitment. That means reaching out, finding time to hang out and showing your friend, you value them.And the reciprocal is true – remember: They value you, too.

Be Explicit and Intentional About Keeping Your Long Distance Friend

The anchor also generates exclusivity, and that's something that builds our friendships when we have memories, experiences inside jokes that we share with one person that we don't have with other people.The key to building on your bond from afar is vulnerability. Your ability to show vulnerability is a big predictor of whether you'll stay close over time. Try being vulnerable about what's going on in your life and asking questions that welcome your friend's vulnerability.

Use Common Interests to Feel Connected – and Get Real

If you feel like your communication is in a rut, your friend probably feels that way too, so don't be afraid to be the first one to reach out. It shows your friend that they don't need to fear rejection.And when phone calls won't cut it, think about a visit. Visiting is one of the most important things we can do to keep a long-distance friendship going. There's no "right" frequency for visits, so talk about what works best for you and your friend.

Don't Hesitate to Reach Out

Separation is hard. Miscommunication happens. And because there's just a limited amount of time you get with your friend, it's easy to let conflicts go unaddressed.Try not to sweep things under the rug. In fact, addressing conflict is one of the ways you can become closer with your friend. But bringing issues up can feel scary.One common issue long-distance friends face is reciprocity. That's when one friend feels like they're putting more into the relationship than the other. The natural reaction is to back away, but, instead, try reaching out first.

Conflicts Are Natural and Healthy – Address Them Openly

Long distance friendships are a common reality of adulthood, as we move around for school, work or family. While they might require some planning and creativity to keep up, there's no reason to let physical distance keep you from staying connected.

4 tips to stay connected when your friends live far away : Life Kit

The U.S. wedding business is expected to total some $57.9 billion this year, up 2.1 percent from last year, but still well behind the heady, pre-pandemic volume of just over $70 billion.The three largest business categories are ceremony and reception hosting, photography, and planning.These businesses were rocked hard by the pandemic, as government-mandated shutdowns and personal fears led to a 35 percent reduction in wedding-related business volumes between 2019 and 2020.

Wedding Plans, Post Pandemic

According to a recent study, just 20 percent of Millennials shunned marriage in 2020; today, 36 percent say they don't want to get hitched.Further complicating matters, those who are marrying seem predisposed to smaller weddings versus the high-flying, pre-Covid days.

Marriage Is No Longer A Priority

The industry will need all the good news it can get.<ul><li>Many of the staple traditions of the wedding "event" are now being questioned by younger consumers.</li><li>Things like a paid wedding planner, big receptions, large diamond engagement rings, and matching bridesmaid dresses have all lost 10 or more points of popularity among young people.</li></ul>

All The Extravagant Rituals Are Being Questioned

After two years of pandemic losses, the industry is on the upswing, but in a different way.

remotework

Remote Work

Understanding the Changing Business of Weddings

When we say, Im fine or Everythings fine, we’re denying our true feelings and experiences; we’re hoping to convince ourselves and others that everything really is okay.

We pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts. Sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us and thats scary or at least uncomfortable.

You also may have learned in childhood that you shouldnt need anything. Again, you may have been punished when you asked for something or your needs may have been ignored. When this happens repeatedly, we learn that we shouldnt ask for anything because no one cares about our needs and they wont be met.

Related to this is our desire to be easy going or low maintenance. Again, we dont want to be difficult (that might lead to a conflict) and we dont want to be a burden or need anything because that might drive people away. A history of dysfunctional relationships and fragile self-esteem has led us to believe that people wont like us (and perhaps theyll abandon or reject us) if we ask for too much or have complicated feelings. It feels safer to pretend were fine and be a dependable, cheerful friend or an easy-going daughter-in-law who never complains.

Why We Say, “I’m fine” When We Aren’t: Codependency, Denial, and Avoidance

Why We Say, “I’m fine” When We Aren’t: Codependency, Denial, and Avoidance Im fine. We say it all t

Why We Say, "I'm fine" -- When We Aren't

Find 100+ Facts about Love & Relationships - Curated from trusted sources like  Books, Podcasts & Articles - Genuine Insights from like-minded Users like You!