Ashwin Ippili's Key Ideas from Never Split the Difference
by Chris Voss

• The majority of the interactions we have at work and at home represent negotiations.

• Negotiation serves two distinct functions: information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side.

• Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.

Your most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice.

There are essentially 3 voice tones available to negotiators: 

• The late-night FM DJ voice: Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow, to create an aura of authority.

• The positive/playful voice: It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person.

• The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback.

we risk undermining the rapport and trust we’ve built.

The passage of time is one of the most important tools for a negotiator. When you slow the process down, you also calm it down. After all, if someone is talking, they’re not shooting.

The Mirroring Technique

A “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.

Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.

Instead of ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify or influence them.

Labeling is a technique used to acknowledge a counterpart’s emotion, leaving them feeling validated:

• Detect the other person’s emotional state

• After spotting an emotion you want to highlight, label it aloud without using “I” statements

• After throwing out a label, be quiet and listen.

• You’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.

• No” allows the real issues to be brought forth

• “No” protects people from making—and lets them correct— ineffective decisions

• “No” slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into

• “No” helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions

• “No” moves everyone’s efforts forward.