How to Be an Exceptionally Good Listener

Being a good listener is not about getting the facts about what made them upset. It is to be supportive, offer encouragement, and empathize.
Ask open-ended questions to communicate that you're interested in them. Avoid questions beginning with 'Why' and use 'What' or 'How' instead. Generic open-ended questions that work well are:

• What was that like for you?
• Can you tell me more about that?
• How did you feel about that?
• What was going through your mind?

Paraphrase what the person has said back to you.

When we reflect back what another person is saying, we are making them feel heard and understood. When people feel genuinely heard, they feel connected.

When we acknowledge and validate how someone feels, we send them the message that we understand them on a deeper level.

When we validate another person's emotion by naming it and acknowledging that we understand it, we give the other person the right to feel the way they do without shame or fear.

Defensiveness sabotages your ability to be a good listener. People become defensive when they feel threatened in a relationship.

The best way to avoid defensiveness and continue to listen well, even when you're upset, is to practice validating your own emotions. Say to yourself that it is okay that you feel angry or hurt. But, you get to decide how to act moving forward.