Expect it to be hard. Pain features quite heavily in the making of most bad days yet the relationship most people have with pain is confusing.The truth is that pain, even though it feels traumatic and awful at the time, is part of the process. Accepting that pain is going to be part of the equation is a solid place to start.

Accepting that pain is part of the equation

Bad is not as bad as it seems. Understand that every experience, however bad it feels, can always be seen as progress.

Acknowledging the good in the bad

It’s not about toxic positivity. It’s not about avoiding negative emotions or apathy. It’s not about reassurance or dismissing the gravity of a situation, of course not.This is about just after that. When the rain stops and the clouds part. Just then, that moment when you have the hope that the sun is about to come out. It’s at that moment you look around and you say, you know what, things have been awful lately but, actually, here’s some good that has come out of it all.

You can feel the pain and find the good in it

You are likely burning out because of the mental workout you're enduring.Look backward. Work out your triggers and avoid them.

Understanding burnout and your triggers

That’s how long it’s been since I wrote my first article on the internet; the official start of my side hustling journey. It’s safe to say a lot has changed, namely my goals. It’s also true that…

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Personal Development

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Mental Health

4 Principles for Dealing With the Bad Days

While it’s okay to be cautious about threats in your surroundings, it’s equally important to look at the rewards of proceding if you wish to protect your mental health.Being overly cautious will lead you to associate cues in your surroundings with potential sources of harm rather than pleasure, also known as “attention bias”.

Don’t let yourself be too consumed by anxiety.

If you experience high attention bias in your daily life, you’d look suspiciously at the faces and movements of people who approach you, rather than, for example, the cuddly stuffed animals on the rack in the gift shop.

The Effects of Attention Bias

Having previous experiences in common environments which could cause distress is perfectly normal, and a valid reason to develop attention bias. At the same time, though, is it possible to let down your guard just a little in terms of your level of worry? If you try this in stages, you might be surprised at just how much better you feel.

Attention bias is normal.

New research shows how to tell whether you're just too suspicious.

Understand yourself and those around you.

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Psychology

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Health

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Problem Solving

9 Signs You May Be Too Tuned in to Threat

When— maybe after a pleasant stretch of self-compassion & confidence— we’ve realized our own faults & failures, the immediate response may be similarly directed doubts. Maybe we’re just generally wrong, overall inexcusable, or wholly idiotic. Worst of all, maybe we’re just a bad person.”

Mistake? Panic! 

But what if we instead told ourselves a different story? A small dose of self-pity can be sobering, considering life is a series of events that we’ve—for the most part— not chosen ourselves. How could we have known any better? No one seems to have all the answers— certainly not us— & living the unblemished life in a world of chaos isn’t easy.

Reassuring Acceptance

We can either choose the self-story which demands, “How could you be so stupid, you pathetic wretch?” Or the one which reassures, “To err is human, but to cling to our shame is unnecessary.” Maybe this time we can try giving ourselves a break, instead of beating ourselves up.

Two Stories 

Why we might benefit—in face of our shortcomings— from giving ourselves a break. 

Read our article - Of Course We Mess Up!. The School Of Life has a huge collection of interesting articles, read now.

Of Course We Mess Up! - The School Of Life

Maladaptive daydreaming is when a person spends an excessive amount of time preoccupied with elaborate daydreams, and often prefers these fantasies to their real life. While not currently recognized as a mental health condition, research suggests that this problem does exist, and that it shares many of the same features as addictive, impulse control, and obsessive compulsive disorders.

Maladaptive Daydreaming

symptoms may include one or several of the following: - highly vivid and immersive daydreams- abnormally long daydreams that are hard to escape- an inability to carry out daily tasks- daydreams that are triggered by external events or stimuli, such as watching a movie or listening to music- sleep disruption and insomnia- repetitive and unconscious movements when daydreaming, such as rocking back and forth or twitching

Are You A Maladaptive Daydreamer?

Maladaptive daydreaming, for starters, is addictive. Everything is happening there and then, You hardly have any idea of reality. You make facial expressions i.e grin, laugh or even feel like crying , which will be noticed by the people around you , who will then rate you “crazy” or “weird” , leading you social isolation, which further pushes you into daydreaming.It is very elaborate , has plots equivalent to novels or movies ( mostly better) and once triggered , it is nearly impossible to stop. You can't just shake it off. Secondly, it can be triggered by a lot of things..

There is no fixed solution for Maladaptive daydreaming but a few steps which can help you :Identify and Reduce TriggersStart Treating the Underlying TraumaHave Direct Open Dialogues with YourselfSwitch Gears Into Analytic ActionCount in a Foreign Language or Recite a poemNarrate Your ActionsTrack Your TimeTalk to Your Doctor

Get Rid Of It.

Maladaptive daydreaming involves complex daydreams that interfere with daily life. They may occur with ADHD and other conditions. Learn more.

Maladaptive Daydreaming: A beautiful but unhealthy escape from reality. 

If you are positive, you’ll see opportunities instead of obstacles.

Looking for some positive vibes? Check out these great positive quotes and sayings to brighten your day and improve your disposition.

Positive Quotes & Sayings to Brighten Your Day | Keep Inspiring Me

“The United States is experiencing an extreme teenage mental-health crisis. From 2009 to 2021, the share of American high-school students who say they feel “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness” rose from 26 percent to 44 percent, according to a new CDC study. This is the highest level of teenage sadness ever recorded.”

Teenage Mental-Health Crisis

“In the 2020 Atlantic feature “What Happened to American Childhood?,” Kate Julian <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/05/childhood-in-an-anxious-age/609079/">described </a>a related phenomenon that affects families a bit more broadly: Anxious parents, in seeking to insulate their children from risk and danger, are unintentionally transferring their anxiety to their kids.”

The “Rug Rat Race”

“I want to pull out two points from Julian’s complex essay. First, children are growing up slower than they used to. Today’s children are less likely to drive, get a summer job, or be asked to do chores. The problem isn’t that kids are lazy (homework time has risen), or that scrubbing dishes magically dispels anxiety disorders. Rather, Julian wrote, these activities “provide children with two very important things”: tolerating discomfort and having a sense of personal competence.”

Children Are Growing Up Slower In Real Life, But Faster Online

“Second, researchers have noted a broad increase in an “accommodative” parenting style. If a girl is afraid of dogs, an “accommodation” would be keeping her away from every friend’s house with a dog, or if a boy won’t eat vegetables, feeding him nothing but turkey loaf for four years (<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/05/childhood-in-an-anxious-age/609079/">an actual story from the article </a>). These behaviors come from love. But part of growing up is learning how to release negative emotions in the face of inevitable stress. If kids never figure out how to do that, they’re more likely to experience severe anxiety as teenagers.”

Accommodation Is Breeding Anxiety

”Why American Teens Are So Sad" made me realize the big lesson from a movie I recently enjoyed. This beautiful man, King Richard, protected his daughters from early pressure and burn out. Let kids be kids. The combination of working hard from a young age, but keeping the work manageable and fun turned Venus and Serena into some of the greatest athletes of all time.

Learn From King Richard 

This article was amazing. Many of these ideas have been on my mind recently.

Four forces are propelling the rising rates of depression among young people.

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Society, Arts & Culture

Why American Teens Are So Sad

Daily life with Borderline Personality Disrorder is really an act of resisting and letting go. Many of us struggle alone or with few friends. We may tend to withdraw and feel safer alone or with someone close because we are hypersensitive.It's a struggle that is very overwhelming all too often because the urges to act out, etc are very strong. However, understanding that we can fight back and slowly regain control can be empowering and bring much needed hope.

Living With BPD 

Every day, we have to resist <ul><li>engaging in self-destructive behavior </li><li>not contacting people that negatively impact our mental health</li><li>resisting the urge to not obsess over someone</li><li>resisting urges to make bad decisions in general</li></ul>

What We Resist

In order to resist, we also need to learn to let go.<ul><li>let go of thoughts that are not beneficial to us and that may lead to bad decisions</li><li>let go of limiting beliefs</li><li>let go of painful things through therapy, by reading about it and through auto-analysis</li><li>trying to let go of self-soothing in unhealthy ways</li></ul>

What We Let Go

<ul><li>DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is the best approach to our struggle.</li><li>Slowly reinforcing and not reinforcing habits, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts.</li><li>Learning to redirect our attention to our breath when our thoughts do not serve us (addiction triggers that may lead to relapse, obsessive thoughts, etc). Redirect our attention to something else, more productive or pleasurable.</li><li>Taking your time to cool down to reply to people in order to no act out</li><li>Understanding that you should just turn your back and leave in many situations</li><li>Learning to pick your battles and preserve your energy</li></ul>

What We Can Do

Your thoughts are not you. They lie to us often. We must learn to let go of thoughts that are detrimental to us.Trauma left deep and open wounds that manifest in our thoughts and in other ways. But we are, above all, conscience and we can cultivate healthier thoughts, including negative self-talk. Don't be harsh to yourself. Treat yourself as a friend would.

Our Thoughts

How Borderline Personality Disorder is an act of resisting and letting go and a few ways to cope.

So much of my daily life, as someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), is resisting and letting go. RESISTING Resisting the urge to message someone that wasn't good for me, resisting the urge to overreact, resisting the urge to engage in self-destructive behavior (even if it's cigarette smoking, chainsmoking is awful), resisting the urge to…

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Mindfulness

Living With BPD As An Act Of Resisting And Letting Go

Ikigai is the intersection between what you are passionate about, where your skills lie, how you can earn a living and what the world needs.

Ikigai is where your reason for living meets your life goal

Once you find it, wether as a job or a hobby, you should not give it up as Ikigai is also the key to longevity as people from Okinawa show. Indeed an active mind and low stress are the key to a long life. To keep your mind active engage in social life, go outside and do mind games. This will avoid you get stuck in patterns and routines that promote your brain to slow down.

Everyone has an Ikigai that they were born to fulfill

Reducing stress is the key to a long life, try practicing mindfulness, doing yoga or taking time to exercise. This will give you a chance to calm down and observe your body and mind more closely.

Avoiding stress is key for Longevity 

“We have to learn how to turn off the autopilot that’s steering us in an endless loop.”

No Autopilot

In Morita therapy, patients are asked to pay attention to and accept their feelings, without attempting to change them. From there, they take particular actions to create new emotions, which gradually replace the old ones. <ol><li>First there is a week of complete rest and disconnect from media.</li><li>Second, the patient begins to integrate repetitive activities into her daily routine. </li><li>Third, these activities become more physical and creative producing a new set of emotions.</li><li>Finally, the patient is ready for stage four: reentering the world with a newfound sense of calm and purpose</li></ol>

Morita Therapy 

Flow is experienced when enjoyment and concentration are so deep they bloc out all other concerns – even time itself. Seeking out flow activities will increase your enjoyment of life and, therefore, your longevity. That’s why you should prioritize flow experiences over hedonistic ones like overeating, substance abuse or media entertainment. Ideally, your ikigai – your main life occupation – will regularly produce a state of flow, but if it doesn’t, be sure your hobbies do. Calibrating the level of difficulty is essential for flow.

Remain Young by immersing yourself in an activity 

Enjoy and cultivate your friendships, chat with your neighbors, enjoy quiet pursuits in the early morning, enjoy what you have

Friendships, gratefulness, early mornings and Garden vegetables 

The Okinawan diet contains an incredible variety of foods ( up to 206 different foods on a regular basis, including herbs and spices. The base of the diet is grains, like rice or noodles, while seasonings like salt and sugar are used sparingly. They eat small portions until they are 80% full and eat/ drink antioxidants rich foods like green tea and citrus fruits.

Eat Small portions in all Colors of the rainbow 

You don’t need intense workout but movement throughout the day: walking, doing chores, tending to the garden and getting up five minutes for every 30 minutes you sit

Movement is Crucial for a Long Life

Learn how to find your life purpose, enjoy life and live a long fulfilling life.

Los Angeles Times bestseller • More than 1.5 million copies sold “Workers looking for more fulfilling positions should start by identifying their ikigai.” ―Business Insider “One of the unintended—yet positive—consequences of the [pandemic] is that it is forcing people to reevaluate their jobs, careers, and lives. Use this time wisely, find your personal ikigai, and live your best life.” ―Forbes *And from the same authors, don’t miss The Book of Ichigo Ichie—about making the most of every moment in your life.* * * * Find your ikigai (pronounced ee-key-guy) and bring meaning and joy to all your days. “Only staying active will make you want to live a hundred years.” —Japanese proverb According to the Japanese, everyone has an ikigai—a reason for living. And according to the residents of the Japanese village with the world’s longest-living people, finding it is the key to a happier and longer life. Having a strong sense of ikigai—where what you love, what you’re good at, what you can get paid for, and what the world needs all overlap—means that each day is infused with meaning. It’s the reason we get up in the morning. It’s also the reason many Japanese never really retire (in fact there’s no word in Japanese that means retire in the sense it does in English): They remain active and work at what they enjoy, because they’ve found a real purpose in life—the happiness of always being busy. In researching this book, the authors interviewed the residents of the Japanese village with the highest percentage of 100-year-olds—one of the world’s Blue Zones. Ikigai reveals the secrets to their longevity and happiness: how they eat, how they move, how they work, how they foster collaboration and community, and—their best-kept secret—how they find the ikigai that brings satisfaction to their lives. And it provides practical tools to help you discover your own ikigai. Because who doesn’t want to find happiness in every day? A PENGUIN LIFE TITLE

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INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER • 1.5 MILLION+ COPIES SOLD WORLDWIDE “Workers looking for more fulfilling positions should start by identifying their ikigai.” ―Business Insider   “One of the unintended—yet positive—consequences of the [pandemic] is that it is forcing people to reevaluate their jobs, careers, and lives. Use this time wisely, find your personal ikigai, and live your best life.” ―Forbes Find your ikigai (pronounced ee-key-guy) to live longer and bring more meaning and joy to all your days. “Only staying active will make you want to live a hundred years.” —Japanese proverb   According to the Japanese, everyone has an ikigai—a reason for living. And according to the residents of the Japanese village with the world’s longest-living people, finding it is the key to a happier and longer life. Having a strong sense of ikigai—where what you love, what you’re good at, what you can get paid for, and what the world needs all overlap—means that each day is infused with meaning. It’s the reason we get up in the morning. It’s also the reason many Japanese never really retire (in fact there’s no word in Japanese that means retire in the sense it does in English): They remain active and work at what they enjoy, because they’ve found a real purpose in life—the happiness of always being busy. In researching this book, the authors interviewed the residents of the Japanese village with the highest percentage of 100-year-olds—one of the world’s Blue Zones. Ikigai reveals the secrets to their longevity and happiness: how they eat, how they move, how they work, how they foster collaboration and community, and—their best-kept secret—how they find the ikigai that brings satisfaction to their lives. And it provides practical tools to help you discover your own ikigai. Because who doesn’t want to find happiness in every day?

Hector Garcia was born in Spain in 1981 and has been living in Tokyo since 2004. During his spare time he writes aGeekinJapan.com, one of the most widely-read blogs in the world in Spanish and in English, as well as books about his experiences in Japan. He is the author of the bestsellers: Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life and A Geek in Japan. You can find more of Hector's musings at ageekinjapan.com

Héctor García

Francesc Miralles Contijoch is a Catalan writer, essayist, translator, and musician.

Francesc Miralles

Ikigai

How to go from a weak person to an assertive and strong person who does as he pleases?There are two good things in this question that are wrapped in a lot of confusion — the first is the realization that it is not good to try to please everyone all the time and the second thing is the desire to be assertive. As mentioned above, both hanels are wrapped in a lot of confusion and misguided assumptions.

How To Be Assertive

I’ve had a few times to answer similar questions and it’s interesting that I haven’t seen no one asks, “How can I go from a smart, weak person to a stupid, strong person?” or “How can I lose muscle mass to become a healthier person” For everyone it is clear that such questions are absolute nonsense but only when it comes to feelings everything gets confusing.

Actually, it’s not surprising because we live in a culture that sees emotions as weakness. BE A MAN- A gnarly man who never cries.It’s a mistake. It’s nonsense. It’s like a driving instructor would tell you, “Do you see those two pedals on the floor on the left? You must not step on them under any circumstances!”.Let’s say sometimes you have to turn off emotions. I totally disagree with that (and I’ll say what’s the alternative), but what’s the problem? It cannot be done selectively.

There is a state of emotional darkness, or comfortable numbness as the Pink Floyd sings. You can get into it and we all know how: sugar, alcohol, nicotine, maybe a little stronger stuff. but why? For God’s sake? Why? it’s like cutting off your own leg that scratches your finger.Okay good but what is the alternative? because after all to be such an emotional softie who’s just looking for a way to avoid emotional conflicts by serving others and not standing up for himself is also not good. obviously. So what?

I think it’s a matter of emotional fitness. That being a compulsive lecturer lacks assertiveness is a kind of haloshas. You have to work on the emotional muscles just like on the physical and mental ones. Again, it’s clear about physical fitness and mental fitness, why not about emotions? I already said why.So what to do? first of all changing perception of emotions is good. Sensitivity is power. Thinking about others and considering what they think of us is necessary for the social creatures that we are, you just have to learn to get it right. Skillfully and efficiently.

Once you understand that, then first of all you discover that you can! Only until now you thought it was forbidden. Then, you can get better. There are already many sources created by people who have already realized that there is a problem and have developed tools for learning and coping with it. In the linked article, I share methods I used to create a fundamental change in my personality, while keeping Assertiveness and sensitivity to others two different things.

For starters, please learn the word “No.”

There are two good things in this problem that are wrapped in a lot of confusion — the first is the realization that it is not good to try to please everyone all the time and the second thing is the…

How to go from a weak person to an assertive and strong person who does as he pleases.

Not every emotion we carry is fully acknowledged, understood or felt. Some feelings are 'unprocessed' from within. For example, many of our uninterpreted worries may show up as powerful directionless anxiety. Someone may have abused our trust or violated our self-esteem. We may feel compelled to remain busy, fear spending time on our own or do activities that ensure we don't meet what scares us head-on. These activities can include internet pornography, tracking the news or exercising compulsively.

We don't understand our emotions

Our minds may grow unoriginal. We grow depressed about everything because we are sad about something.  We can no longer sleep because we omitted to process all the thoughts of the day.   We avoid processing emotions because what we feel is opposite to our self-image and threatening to our society's ideas of normality. However, we need compassion for ourselves.

We pay dearly for failing to process our feelings

We fail to know ourselves simply because it hurts a lot. Processing emotions requires good friends, therapists and ritual moments like meditation, where we can drop our defences.  When we process our emotions, we always feel elevated in our overall mood. But first, we must go through a period of mourning where we acknowledge that life is sadder than we want it to be.

Why we fail to know ourselves

In order to be calm and at ease with ourselves, we need regular periods where we do something rather strange-sounding: process our emotions. Here is a guide to this essential psychological move. If you like our films, take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): https://goo.gl/GTunD2 Join our mailing list: http://bit.ly/2e0TQNJ Or visit us in person at our London HQ https://goo.gl/qMLe4B FURTHER READING “It is a quirk of our minds that not every emotion we carry is fully acknowledged, understood or even truly felt. There are feelings that exist in an ‘unprocessed’ form within us. A great many worries may, for example, remain disavowed and uninterpreted and manifest themselves as powerful directionless anxiety. Under their sway, we may feel a compulsive need to remain busy, fear spending any time on our own or cling to activities that ensure we don’t meet what scares us head on (these might include internet pornography, tracking the news or exercising compulsively). A similar kind of disavowal can go on around hurt. Someone may have abused our trust, made us doubt their kindness or violated our self-esteem but we are driven to flee a frank recognition of an appalling degree of exposure and vulnerability. The hurt is somewhere inside, but on the surface, we adopt a brittle good cheer (jolliness being sadness that doesn’t know itself), we numb ourselves chemically or else adopt a carefully non-specific tone of cynicism, which masks the specific wound that has been inflicted on us…” You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://goo.gl/FxY6e6 MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://goo.gl/jWiJE7 Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Vale Productions http://www.valeproductions.co.uk/ #TheSchoolOfLife

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In order to be calm and at ease with ourselves, we need regular periods where we do something rather strange-sounding: process our emotions. Here is a guide to this essential psychological  move.
 If you like our films, take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): https://goo.gl/GTunD2
Join our mailing list: http://bit.ly/2e0TQNJ 
Or visit us in person at our London HQ https://goo.gl/qMLe4B


FURTHER READING

“It is a quirk of our minds that not every emotion we carry is fully acknowledged, understood or even truly felt.
There are feelings that exist in an ‘unprocessed’ form within us. A great many worries may, for example, remain disavowed and uninterpreted and manifest themselves as powerful directionless anxiety. Under their sway, we may feel a compulsive need to remain busy, fear spending any time on our own or cling to activities that ensure we don’t meet what scares us head on (these might include internet pornography, tracking the news or exercising compulsively). A similar kind of disavowal can go on around hurt. Someone may have abused our trust, made us doubt their kindness or violated our self-esteem but we are driven to flee a frank recognition of an appalling degree of exposure and vulnerability. The hurt is somewhere inside, but on the surface, we adopt a brittle good cheer (jolliness being sadness that doesn’t know itself), we numb ourselves chemically or else adopt a carefully non-specific tone of cynicism, which masks the specific wound that has been inflicted on us…”

You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here:  https://goo.gl/FxY6e6

MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://goo.gl/jWiJE7

Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: 
http://bit.ly/TSOLself

You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 
Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB 


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Produced in collaboration with:
 
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http://www.valeproductions.co.uk/ #TheSchoolOfLife

We're interested in self-understanding, calm and emotional maturity.

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How to Process Your Emotions

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