We think of trust as precious, yet it’s the basis for almost everything we do as civilized people. Trust is the reason we’re willing to exchange our hard-earned paychecks for goods and services, pledge our lives to another person in marriage, cast a ballot for someone who will represent our interests. We rely on laws and contracts as safety nets, but even they are ultimately built on trust in the institutions that enforce them. We don’t know that justice will be served if something goes wrong, but we have enough faith in the system that we’re willing to make high-stakes deals with strangers.

Trust: The Inconspicuous Glue And Grease 

Trust is also one of the most essential forms of capital a leader has. Building trust, however, often requires thinking about leadership from a new perspective. The traditional leadership narrative is all about you: your vision and strategy; your ability to make the tough calls and rally the troops; your talents, your charisma, your heroic moments of courage and instinct. But leadership really isn’t about you. It’s about empowering other people as a result of your presence, and about making sure that the impact of your leadership continues into your absence.

Trust: The Foundational Leader Capital

So how do you build up stores of this foundational leadership capital?Trust has 3 core drivers: authenticity, logic, and empathy. People tend to trust you when they believe they are interacting with the real you (authenticity), when they have faith in your judgment and competence (logic), and when they feel that you care about them (empathy).When trust is lost, it can almost always be traced back to a breakdown in one of these 3 drivers. To build (or rebuild) trust, you first need to figure out which driver you “wobble” on

The Core Drivers Of Trust - The Trust Triangle

People don’t always realize how the information (or more often, the misinformation) that they’re broadcasting may undermine their own trustworthiness. What’s worse, stress tends to amplify the problem, causing people to double down on behaviors that make others skeptical. For example, they might unconsciously mask their true selves in a job interview, even though that’s precisely the type of less-than-fully-authentic behavior that reduces their chance of being hired.

Why We Radiate Distrust

The good news is that most of us generate a stable pattern of trust signals, which means a small change in behavior can go a long way. In moments when trust is broken, or fails to get any real traction, it’s usually the same driver that has gone wobbly on us—authenticity, empathy, or logic. This driver is our “trust wobble.” In simple terms, it’s the driver that’s most likely to fail us.

Our “Trust Wobble”

To identify your wobble, think of a recent moment when you were not trusted as much as you wanted to be. Maybe you lost an important sale or didn’t get a stretch assignment. Maybe someone simply doubted your ability to execute. With that moment in mind, do something hard: Give the other person in your story the benefit of the doubt. Let’s call that person your “skeptic.” Assume that your skeptic’s reservations were valid and that you were the one responsible for the breakdown in trust. This exercise only works if you own it.

How To Identify Our Trust Wobble

If you had to choose from our three trust drivers, which would you say went wobbly on you in this situation? Did your skeptic feel you were misrepresenting some part of yourself or your story? If so, that’s an authenticity problem.Did your skeptic feel you might be putting your own interests first? If so, that’s an empathy problem. Did your skeptic question the rigor of your analysis or your ability to execute on an ambitious plan? If so, that’s a logic problem.

Where Did Your Skeptic Found You Wanting?

Now stand back and try to look at your pattern of wobbles across multiple incidents. Pick three or four interactions that stand out to you, for whatever reason, and do a quick trust diagnostic for each one. What does your typical wobble seem to be? Does the pattern change under stress or with different kinds of stakeholders? For example, do you wobble on one trait with your direct reports but on a different one with people who have authority over you? That’s not uncommon.

Our Trust Wobble Can Be Typical And/ Or Relative

Ideally, someone who knows you well. Sharing your analysis can be clarifying—even liberating—and will help you test and refine your hypothesis. About 20% of self-assessments need a round of revision, so choose a partner who can keep you honest. Consider going back and testing your analysis directly by speaking openly about it with your skeptic. This conversation alone can be a powerful way to rebuild trust. When you take responsibility for a wobble, you reveal your humanity (authenticity) and analytic chops (logic) while communicating your commitment to the relationship (empathy).

Bring At Least One Person Along For Your Diagnostic Ride

Most high-achieving leaders struggle with this one. Signaling a lack of empathy is a major barrier to empowerment leadership. If people think you care more about yourself than about others, they won’t trust you enough to lead them.

Overcoming Our Wobbles - Empathy

Empathy wobbles are common among people who are analytical and driven to learn. They often get impatient with those who aren’t similarly motivated or who take longer than they do to understand something. Additionally, the tools and experience of the modern workplace continually distract or prevent us from demonstrating empathy, by imposing 24-hour demands on our time and putting at our disposal all sorts of technologies that compete for our attention at any given moment.

When Empathy Becomes Collateral Damage Or Plain Roadkill

Empathy wobblers should pay close attention to their behavior in group settings, particularly when other people have the floor. Consider what often happens in a meeting: When it kicks off, most people feel very engaged. But as soon as empathy wobblers understand the concepts under discussion and have contributed their ideas, they lose interest. Their engagement plummets and remains low until the gathering comes to an end. Instead of paying attention, they often multitask, check their phones, engage in flamboyant displays of boredom—anything to make clear that this meeting is beneath them.

The Ills Of Empathy Wobblers

There’s a basic solution to this problem. Instead of focusing on what you need in that meeting, work to ensure that everyone else gets what they need. Take radical responsibility for the others in the room. Share the burden of moving the dialogue forward, even if it’s not your meeting. Search for the resonant examples that will bring the concepts to life, and don’t disengage until everyone else in the room understands. This is almost impossible to do if texting or checking email is an option, so put away your devices. Everyone knows you’re not taking notes on their good ideas.

The Prescription For Empathy Wobblers

Indeed, the last thing to say on empathy is this: If you do nothing else to change your behavior, put away your phone more frequently. Put it truly away, out of sight and out of reach, not just flipped over for a few minutes at a time. You’ll be amazed at the change in the quality of your interactions and your ability to build trust.

Put Your Damn Phone Away

If people don’t always have confidence in the rigor of your ideas, or if they don’t have full faith in your ability to deliver on them, then logic is probably your wobble. If they don’t trust your judgment, why would they want you at the wheel?

Overcoming Our Wobbles - Logic

When logic is the problem, go back to the data. Root the case you’re making in sound evidence, speak about the things you know to be true beyond a reasonable doubt, and then—this is the hard part—stop there. One reason Larry Bird was such an extraordinary basketball player was that he only took shots he knew he could reliably make. That choice made him different from other great players who let ego and adrenaline cloud their shooting judgment. Bird studied and practiced so relentlessly that by the time the ball left his hands in the heat of competition, he knew exactly where it was going.

The Prescription For Logic Wobblers

Once you get comfortable with how that feels, start expanding what you know. Along the way, make an effort to learn from other people. Their insight is among your most valuable resources, but to access it, you must be willing to reveal that you don’t have all the answers—something leaders often resist. Engaging people about their experience has the additional benefit of communicating who you are and what energizes you professionally—an authenticity boost.

For most logic wobblers, however, rigor isn’t the issue. Much of the time, the problem is the perception of wobbly logic rather than the reality of it. Why does this happen? Because they’re not communicating their ideas effectively.

Power Does Not Guarantee Permeation 

There are generally two ways to communicate complex thoughts. The first takes your audience on a journey, with twists and turns and context and dramatic tension, until they eventually get to the payoff. Many of the world’s best storytellers use this technique. You can visualize this approach by imagining an inverted triangle. The journeying storyteller starts at the top, at the inverted base of the triangle, and traces an enchantingly meandering route down to its point.

The Long Way To Communicate Logic - Ending With The Point

If logic is your wobble, however, that’s a risky path to take. With all that circuitous journeying, you’re likely to lose your audience along the way rather than build trust in your judgment. Listeners may even abandon you at one of your narrative turns.

The Long Way Is, Well, Long

To avoid that, try flipping the imaginary triangle upright. Start with your main point, or headline, at the top of the triangle, and then work your way down, building a base of reinforcing evidence. This approach signals a clarity of vision and a full command of the facts. Everyone has a much better chance of following your logic. Even if you get interrupted along the way, you’ll at least have had a chance to communicate your key idea.

The Short Way To Communicate Logic - Starting With The Point

If people feel they’re not getting access to the “real” you—to a full and complete accounting of what you know, think, and feel—then you probably have an authenticity wobble.A quick test: How different is your professional persona from the one that shows up around family and friends? If there’s a sharp difference, what are you getting in return for masking or minimizing certain parts of yourself? What’s the payoff?

Overcoming Our Wobbles - Authenticity

Being your “real self” sounds nice in theory, but there can be powerful reasons for holding back certain truths. The calculation can be highly practical at times, if wrenching—as in deciding to stay closeted in a workplace that’s hostile to queer identities. There may also be times when expressing your authentic feelings may risk harmful consequences: Women, for example, are disproportionately penalized for displaying negative emotions in the workplace, and black men are burdened by the false stereotype that they are predisposed to anger.

Why Do We Radiate Inauthenticity? 

Although withholding your true self may sometimes help you solve problems in the short term, it puts an artificial cap on trust and, by extension, on your ability to lead. When people sense that you’re concealing the truth or being less than authentic, they’re far less willing to make themselves vulnerable to you in the ways that leadership demands.

Short-Sighted Self-Limiting For Short-Term Gains

The cost of inauthenticity can be observed up close in the performance of diverse teams. Diversity can be a tremendous asset in today’s marketplace, and the companies that get it right often enjoy powerful competitive tailwinds. But this advantage isn’t automatic. Simply populating your team with diverse perspectives and experiences doesn’t always translate into better performance.

The Cost Of Inauthenticity

In fact, the uncomfortable truth is that diverse teams can underperform homogenous teams if they’re not managed actively for differences among members. That’s because shared knowledge is key in decision-making, and diverse teams, by definition, start out with less of it. But if you create conditions of trust that allow diverse team members to bring their unique perspectives and experiences to the table, you can expand the amount of knowledge your team can access—and create an unbeatable advantage.

HomogeneityDiversity, Authenticity And Trust

That is due in part to a phenomenon called the “common information effect”, which works like this: As human beings, we tend to focus on the things we have in common with other people. We tend to seek out and affirm our shared knowledge, because it confirms our value and kinship with the group. Diverse teams, by definition, have less common information readily available to them to use in collective decision-making.

The “Common Information Effect”

Consider two teams of three people, one in which the three members are different from one another, and the other in which they’re similar. If both teams are managed in exactly the same way—if they simply follow the same best practices in group facilitation, for example—the homogenous team is likely to perform better. No amount of feedback or number of trust falls can overcome the strength of the common information effect.

The Obvious Lead Of Homogeneity Over Diversity

But the “common information effect” only holds if people wobble on authenticity. When they choose to bring their unique selves to the table—that is, the parts of themselves that are different from other people—they can create an unbeatable advantage by expanding the amount of information the team can access. The result is an inclusive team that’s likely to outperform (by a long shot) both homogenous teams and diverse teams that aren’t actively managed for inclusion.

Open And Closed Lakes

Here’s the reason to care, even if you don’t see yourself as different: All of us pay the price of inauthentic interactions, and all of us have a better chance of thriving in inclusive environments where authenticity can flourish. Gender bias, in other words, is not just a woman’s problem. Systemic racism is not just an African-American or Latinx problem. It’s our shared moral and organizational imperative to create workplaces where the burdens of being different are shouldered by all of us. After all, we will all benefit wildly from eliminating them.

No Wobble Is Too Innocent Or Too Far Away

So pay less attention to what you think people want to hear and more attention to what you need to say to them. Reveal your full humanity to the world, regardless of what your critics say. And while you’re at it, take exquisite care of people who are different from you, confident in the knowledge that their difference is the very thing that could unleash your potential and your organization’s.

Forge Links And Chains Of  Authenticities

To be a truly empowering leader, you need to take stock of where you wobble not only in your relationships with others but also in your relationship with yourself. Are you being honest with yourself about your ambitions, or are you ignoring what really excites and inspires you? If l so, you’ve got an authenticity problem you need to address. Do you acknowledge your own needs and attend properly to them? If not, you’ve got to adopt a more empathetic posture toward yourself. Do you lack conviction in your own ideas and ability to perform? If so, you’ve got some logic issues to work out.

In Myself I Trust

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

Self trust is the essence of heroism.

When trust is lost, it can almost always be traced back to a breakdown in one of its 3 core drivers. To build (or rebuild) trust, we first need to figure out which driver we “wobble” on. (Replace the words “leaders” and “leadership” with “human beings” and “relationships” and see what happens). 

The first step to becoming a genuinely empowering leader

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Everything Starts with Trust

Social identity is the portion of an individual's <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-concept">self-concept </a>derived from perceived membership in a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relevance">relevant </a><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_group">social group </a>. The social identity of people must match the values as a whole, or else the group splits from instability and intensive competition that threatens the nature of the majority. Conforming can either occur, or self esteem reconfiguration may take place as a mechanism to find placement oppose to switching between groups and risking a non existence stance of personality and identity towards intrapersonal aspects. Read further........ 📚 get educated. You may look sad. 👀

Contradictions And Obsessive Focus

Social identity theory is described as a theory that predicts certain intergroup behaviours on the basis of perceived group <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_status">status </a>differences, the perceived <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legitimacy_(political)">legitimacy </a>and stability of those status differences, and the perceived ability to move from one group to another. This contrasts to references towards Social Selves. Never intended to be a general theory of social <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorization">categorization </a>. It led to develop a cousin theory in the form of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-categorization_theory">self-categorization theory </a>, which built on the insights of social identity theory to produce a more general account of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology_of_self">self </a>and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_dynamics">group processes </a>.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_identity_theory#cite_note-Turner_&_Reynolds_(2010).-3">[3] </a> <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_identity_theory#cite_note-Turner_(1999)-6">[6] </a>

Social Self And Group Processes

The term <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_identity_approach">social identity approach </a>, or social identity perspective , is suggested for describing the joint contributions of both social identity theory and self-categorization theory. Social identity theory suggests that an organization can change individual behaviors if it can modify their self-identity or part of their self-concept that derives from the knowledge of, and emotional attachment to the group.

The Emotions? That's Love.

Social identity theory states that social behavior will want a person to change their behavior while in a group. It varies along a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuum_(measurement)">continuum </a>between <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_relationship">interpersonal </a>behavior and intergroup behaviour. Completely interpersonal behaviour would be behaviour determined solely by the individual characteristics and interpersonal relationships that exists between only two peopleCompletely intergroup behaviour would be behaviour determined solely by the social category memberships that apply to more than two people. The <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognition">cognitive </a>nature of personal vs. social identities, and relationship between them.

"Personas" For The Acceptance

A key assumption is that individuals are intrinsically <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation">motivated </a>to achieve positive distinctiveness. Individuals "strive for a positive self-concept". It is further derived in social identity theory that "individuals strive to achieve or to maintain positive social identity". (see the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_identity_theory#Self-esteem_hypothesis">self-esteem </a>hypothesis). ********It was found that under certain conditions individuals would endorse resource distributions that would maximize the positive distinctiveness of an ingroup in contrast to an outgroup at the expense of personal self-interest.****************

Self Esteem Endorsement Of In Group Resources

Yhe individual's choice of behaviour is posited to be dictated largely by the perceived intergroup relationship. In particular the choice of strategy is an outcome of the perceived permeability of group boundaries (e.g., whether a group member may pass from a low status group into a high status group), as well as the perceived stability and legitimacy of the intergroup status hierarchy. The self-enhancing strategies detailed here importantly, although these are viewed from the perspective of a low status group member, comparable behaviours may also be adopted by high status group members.

Positive distinctiveness strategies

It is predicted that under conditions where the group boundaries are considered permeable individuals are more likely to engage in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_mobility">individual mobility </a>strategies. That is, individuals "disassociate from the group and pursue individual goals designed to improve their personal lot rather than that of their ingroup".Transactions are the communication between the parts of ego that are based on the child, adult, and ideal. Sometimes complex failures or development regressions may cause one to take over as a sub personality looking for acceptance.

Boundaries - Thick Or Thin - Transaction Based

Here an ingroup seeks positive distinctiveness and requires positive differentiation via direct competition with the outgroup in the form of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_identity_theory#Ingroup_favoritism">ingroup favoritism </a>. It is considered competitive in that in this case favoritism for the ingroup occurs on a value dimension that is shared by all relevant social groups. ****Social competition is predicted to occur when group boundaries are considered impermeable, and when status relations are considered to be reasonably unstable. ***Although not privileged, it is this positive distinctiveness strategy that has received the greatest amount of attention.

Social Competition And It's Unstability Construct 

Continued study into the relationship between social categorization and ingroup favoritism has explored the relative prevalences of the ingroup favoritism vs. outgroup discrimination,explored different manifestations of ingroup favoritism, and has explored the relationship between ingroup favoritism and other psychological constraints (e.g., <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terror_management_theory">existential threat </a>).

The Threatening Existances 

Social identities are a valued aspect of the self, and people will sacrifice their pecuniary self-interest to maintain the self-perception that they belong to a given social group. Political partisans and fans of sports teams are reluctant to bet against the success of their party or team because of the diagnostic cost such a bet would incur to their identification with it. Partisans and fans will reject even very favorable bets against identity-relevant desired outcomes. Sometimes this can cause restraints on boundaries, depending on reliance and importance of identity.

Reluctance to bet against identity-relevant outcomes

<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Penny_Oakes&action=edit&redlink=1">Penny Oakes </a>argue against an interpretation of positive distinctiveness as a straightforward need for self-esteem or "quasi-biological drive toward prejudice". They instead favour a somewhat more complex conception of positive self-concept as a reflection of the ideologies and social values of the perceiver. Additionally, it is argued that the self-esteem hypothesis neglects the alternative strategies to maintaining a positive self-concept that are articulated in social identity theory (i.e., individual mobility and social creativity).

Intergroup similarity - Morroring

The ones above are really around, not realizing the thing they do to compare for an above really just makes them project how there below b competitive threat. Focus and attention are that if ideals and interest, not of unthinkable I don't care type "whatabout paradoxes". 

Understand yourself and those around you.

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Social identity theory - Wikipedia

These are membership, influence, integration/ fulfillment of needs, and shared emotional connection. To be part of a community, you must feel a sense of belonging (membership), feel like you make a difference to the group and that the group makes a difference to you (influence), feel like your needs will be met by other group members (integration and fulfillment of needs), and feel that you share history, similar experiences, time, and space together (shared emotional connection).

A community is defined by four criteria

Becoming a member of communities helps build social diversity. However, finding community is much different from just making friends.Friendship is an invested, dedicated, platonic relationship where two people who are friends with each other are committed to the growth, the well-being, the support, the thriving of each other.

Finding community is much different from just making friends

One of the easiest ways to find a group you’d mesh with is to figure out where you wouldn’t mind spending a few hours of your time. Consider your talents and interests or a skill you’d like to learn and seek out places to do those activities.Seek out groups that create together; the act of making something as a group facilitates closeness and brings you into contact with people of different ages, backgrounds, and stages of life. Whether it’s a performance or a neighborhood coat drive, anything you’re creating together is a beautiful way to build community.

Prioritize your values and interests

To forge a true connection with the group — and vice versa — you’ll need to continually show up and add value. You’ll develop closeness more quickly if you have that regularity and you don’t have to agonize over scheduling. Immediately add the next meeting date to your calendar and make it a point to consistently attend. Coming early with a snack or staying late to stack the chairs shows you’re invested in the community.

Make it a habit

Because communities are made up of lots of people with varying opinions and life experiences, being an active member means regularly interacting with others in the group. But don’t expect other members to immediately support you in your endeavors, want to do you a favor, or even engage in conversation with you. Forging these connections takes time and effort, and you risk rejection, but to fully integrate into a community, you can’t be a wallflower. It’s your job to put energy into other people and not just wait for them to put energy into you.

Put energy into others

<ul><li>You don’t need to join a dozen clubs or societies or introduce yourself to every neighbor on the block to have a community.</li><li>Consider the time you’re able to commit and how much energy you’re able to bring to each meeting. </li><li> The goal of community building isn’t necessarily to make new friends (though that definitely can happen), but to build a network. The people who are a part of that network can remain acquaintances.</li></ul>

Don’t exhaust yourself

A community can serve as a social safety net, but finding one and becoming a part of it is different from simply making friends.

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Why community matters so much — and how to find yours

Even though we experience love as deeply personal and spontaneous, it has a history. The way people fall in love now is different from what they've done in the past. There are other ways of arranging relationships depending on what a society happens to believe.In the past, marriage was purely transactional between influential people from neighbouring kingdoms. It was used to expand wealth and power. The idea that you should love your spouse would've been laughable.

Love has a history

Rudel is one of the earliest known troubadours or skilled court poets. In the 12th century, he wrote poetry exclusively on love in honour of the countess of Tripoli, whom he has fallen deeply in love with without ever having set eyes on her. Rudel's idea of love is very particular and very new at that time. It is love that 's entirely divorced from practical considerations such as  marriage, children, money, dynasties or any kind of reciprocation. Instead, it is based on infatuation.

France 1147AD, Jaufre Rudel, the Prince of Blaye writes about love

1745, Versailles France. Jeanne-Antoinette is the King's chief mistress and will now be known as Madame de Pompadour and resided in court with the King. At this point, the King has been married for 20 years. He married for reasons of state and had mistresses on the side. It was accepted that there is an imperfect fit between marriage and love. Marriage was for children and continuity. Love was for excitement and drama.

Love without marriage

In 1812, Scotland. Harriet married John Lambton, the first Earl of Durham, despite the families trying to intervene. John has land and responsibilities, and Harriet is a pretty but illegitimate daughter of the Earl of Cholmondeley with no money and little social status. The modern couple believed that love should come first and practical considerations second. They are exemplars of the new philosophy of romanticism which prioritises feeling over reason and impulse over tradition. They believe that marriage should be the consequence of love.

Romanticism changes the love of the old system

In the early 19th century, Jane Austen is defining the wise ideal of modern love. In her novel Pride and Prejudice,  she shows that her idea that to marry only for money is a disaster, but to marry only for love is a terrible folly. In her eyes, marriage requires warmth, tenderness and managerial competence. From this, Austen concludes that few people are well suited for marriage. In her novels, she portrays marriages that are a little hollow or grim with only a few very happy ones.

The world of Pride and Prejudice

In 1859, Charles Darwin publishes The Origin of Species, arguing that humans are descended from the primates and that their drives and basic psychology are inherited and that their ideals are not wholly their own fault. He argues that we are half apes and for apes to aim for faithful and long egalitarian relationships is to attempt to do something hugely difficult. Darwin implies that humans might by nature be predisposed to, just as many apes are, polygamy, opportunistic sex and leaving one mate for another based on breeding potential.

Darwin on love

Free love in the 1960s America argued that society's rules against nudity, same-sex relationships and sex before marriage are forms of sexual repression. Monogamy is being questioned. Sexually liberated men and women should give up on marriage and jealousy, and adultery and divorce is a romantic idea of what love could be.  In  2015,  Belgium became the nation with the highest divorce rate in the developed world. 71% of couples will split up because initial expectations were unmet. In the UK, the divorce rate is 42%.

Free love in the 1960s

The romantic dream of love is often a disappointment. Intelligent people complain that they can't understand the subject of love. The future hope for love lies in the idea of sacrifice, that we won't get everything we want from love, relationships or marriage. Our ideals of relationships to unite sex, affection, raising a family, a career, and security will fail by necessity. The idea of sacrifice helps if we consider that getting half of what we want is still a lot compared to what it would be like if we avoided relationships altogether.

The modern ideals of relationships

We think of love as merely spontaneous – but it is in fact an emotion acutely shaped by its history. Understanding more about the course of love in time can help us think through our options in the present. Please subscribe here: http://tinyurl.com/o28mut7 If you like our films take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): http://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/all/ Brought to you by http://www.theschooloflife.com Produced in collaboration with Mike Booth http://www.youtube.com/somegreybloke #TheSchoolOfLife

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We think of love as merely spontaneous – but it is in fact an emotion acutely shaped by its history. Understanding more about the course of love in time can help us think through our options in the present. Please subscribe here: http://tinyurl.com/o28mut7
If you like our films take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): http://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/all/

Brought to you by http://www.theschooloflife.com

Produced in collaboration with Mike Booth
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HISTORY OF IDEAS - Love

Research by Dr David McCleilland of Harvard shows that the people you habitually associate with determines 95% of your success or failure in life. Some people hold us back while others help us forward. You can't hang out with negative people and expect a positive life.  Moreover, you can do all the right things, but be around people who hold you to a lower standard. It is important to be able to recognise the different types of negative people and know how we can sidestep them.

The company we keep

These people are very charismatic. They are masters at sweeping you up into their personal melodramas, then need you to help solve some urgent problem. So you do. But then there's another problem, and another, until you realise that they crave attention and use urgent problems to control you. When you respond to their demands, your life is hijacked by their daily dramas. First they flatter you by convincing you that you are the only one they can count on, then they appeal to your sympathy, ego and desire to do the right thing.

The hostile drama queen

<ul><li>Set boundaries around them and don't allow them to overstep. For example, lay out a strict schedule of your availability.</li><li>Don't ask them how they're feeling. Doing so could lead to a vent or complaint.</li><li>Don't reward their drama. Instead of responding, focus on your own work. Say something like, "Sorry you're feeling bad, but I've got work to do."</li><li>Recharge after an encounter with a drama queen. Go for a walk or listen to music. Don't dwell on the drama.</li><li>If all else fails, distance yourself. Tell them you need time alone and stick to it.</li></ul>

How to deal with the drama queen

You may be in a situation with someone who is intimidating and demanding, and you try to keep the peace by doing whatever they want. But regardless of what you do, it's never enough. When you are a pleaser, you never say "no". This is an unhealthy pattern of behaviour as it results in you being surrounded by rude, selfish, and unforgiving people who treat you like a doormat instead of appreciating that you've put their needs first.

The person you have failed to please a hundred times before

You can deal with people that fails to appreciate you by changing your attitude towards them. <ul><li>Ask yourself why you want to please someone. Is it because you want them to be happy or because you are afraid and insecure? You might be a people pleaser because you fear rejection.</li><li>Assess your priorities. When a person you have been trying to please asks you for anything, stop to think if you really want to do that thing.</li><li>Speak up for what you want.</li><li>Learn how to say "no" or "no, thank you." Let people know when you can't do what they want. You don't need to make excuses.</li></ul>

How to stop trying to please everyone

Someone is perhaps discouraging you from pursuing your goals and dreams. For example, they may think your plans for the future is impossible or that you are joking. They may sabotage your plans to cultivate a new habit. Or they keep you from achieving your potential. You need to ignore naysayers because their madness will destroy you if you give in. You will change into who they say you are and steal your life from you.

The naysayer

<ul><li>Redirect them. When they offer unsolicited opinions about your activities, politely mention that you are not looking for their input and suggest that they focus on improving their own situation.</li><li>Give them credence. Tell them you will consider their thoughts and let them know how it went.</li><li>Answer their objections. If they speak beyond their own knowledge, ensure to do your homework and then show them facts supporting your approach.</li><li>Eliminate them if they constantly bring you down.</li></ul>

How to deal with a naysayer

The manipulator will say and do anything to get others to do what they want them to do. These people prioritise their own feelings and needs and insist that you help them at all costs., but if you need assistance, they will not help you. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power and exploits the victim to serve his agenda.

The manipulator

<ul><li>Avoid self-blame. Remember that you are not the problem, you are being manipulated.</li><li>Turn the focus on them by asking probing questions, such as "Does it seem reasonable to you?" or "Does it sound fair?"</li><li>Take your time. Manipulators often expect an answer immediately. Consider leveraging time by saying "I'll think about it." Then consider if you want to negotiate or if it's better to say "no."</li><li>Keep your distance. Manipulators will be very polite to one person and rude to the next.</li></ul>

How to deal with the manipulator

The stubborn person insists you should be someone else. They label you unfairly based on who you used to be. The only relationships that work well are the ones that encourage you to be a better person without trying to change you into someone other than yourself. There's no need to pretend to be someone you're not. Don't feel threatened and don't conform only to please them. Let people love you for who you are, not who they want you to be. Or allow them to walk away.

The stubborn person

They judge you by your past, hold it against you and refuse to forgive you. They refuse to support you or allow you to grow past your mistakes. <ul><li>Forgive yourself. People find it much harder to forgive themselves than to forgive others.</li><li>Try self-love. You are more than your past mistakes.</li><li>Learn from your mistakes and improve yourself. Understand what went wrong, and work on it so that it never happens again.</li></ul>

The unforgiving friend

The six types of negative people we should ignore and how to ignore them.

Today, we will be discussing how to ignore people. We will also be talking about the six types of negative people we should ignore and how to ignore them. Subscribe To Downtown Success - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1mRTkVlqDnxz_9S0YD9YQ According to the research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, the people you habitually associate with determines as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life. It’s a fact of life that some people hold us back, while other propel us forward. Which is why in this video we will be talking about 6 types of negative people we need to ignore and more importantly how should we ignore them. The 6 types of people we should ignore are - 1. The hopelessly hostile drama queen 2. The person you have failed to please a hundred times before 3. The naysayer who always dumps on your dreams 4. The manipulator 5. The stubborn one who insists you should be someone else 6. The unforgiving friend who refuses to forgive you for your mistakes Ignoring negative people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being. Because every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive. Check our other video. These 5 Kinds Of People Will Make You Rich And Successful - Don't Avoid Them - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YEZYNhAohs Music - Enchanting Inspirational Music - Royalty Free - This Moment Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VObTSz0ufhQ

Today, we will be discussing how to ignore people. We will also be talking about the six types of negative people we should ignore and how to ignore them.

Subscribe To Downtown Success - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1mRTkVlqDnxz_9S0YD9YQ

According to the research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, the people you habitually associate with determines  as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life. It’s a fact of life that some people hold us back, while other propel us forward. Which is why in this video we will be talking about 6 types of negative people we need to ignore and more importantly how should we ignore them. 

The 6 types of people we should ignore are - 
1. The hopelessly hostile drama queen
2. The person you have failed to please a hundred times before
3. The naysayer who always dumps on your dreams
4. The manipulator
5. The stubborn one who insists you should be someone else
6. The unforgiving friend who refuses to forgive you for your mistakes

Ignoring negative people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being.  Because every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive. 

Check our other video.
These 5 Kinds Of People Will Make You Rich And Successful - Don't Avoid Them - 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YEZYNhAohs
Music - Enchanting Inspirational Music - Royalty Free - This Moment
Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VObTSz0ufhQ

Philosophies for Life is all about giving ancient wisdom for modern living.
We are dedicated towards giving out life-changing philosophical ideas that will help you improve all the aspects of your life - spirituality, finance, relationships, mental and emotional. 

I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. - William Blake

Philosophies for Life

How To Ignore People

How to balance the give and take of life? A common saying in the Tamil language warns that both the one who always gives and the one who always takes will be ruined. Sadhguru responds to this aphorism, explaining that one who is in tune with the life process, who is like springtime within himself, will naturally give whatever is needed.There is a common saying in Tamil that means, “The family that always donates gets ruined, the family that always receives also gets ruined” – both the giver and the taker!

No Give & Take, Just Spring in Your Heart

<ul><li>Essentially, what they are referring to is either always receiving and living on aid, or indiscriminately giving not because of what the situation needs. </li><li>If you are giving because you feel that by giving you are being good or that you will buy a ticket to heaven, it is definitely not okay. </li><li>But when you see a need, if you are unwilling to give whatever you could give, you are not human at all.</li><li>So giving is not the problem. </li></ul>

Sadhguru On The Tamil Saying 

<ul><li>The problem arises when you give not because the situation needs it, but for your own satisfaction.</li><li>This is happening because human beings are seeking their happiness and peace in so many weird ways.</li><li>They believe that if they give today, they will get peace somewhere else.</li><li>No, peace and joy happen only within you.</li><li>If your humanity is on, you will give where you feel it is needed.</li><li>I would not even call it giving – sharing is very natural for a human being.</li><li>One’s joy multiplies in anything only by sharing.</li></ul>

Don't Give For Satisfaction 

Unfortunately, we have always tried to teach goodness to people, not human sense. Instead of stirring up the humanity in the human heart, we are always trying to teach morals of goodness.

Don’t Teach Morality, Stir up Humanity

Whether you give because you think you will go to heaven or you give because it will give you fulfillment or satisfaction, this is still a transaction. It is just business.

If you understand the process of life, there is really no give and take.<ul><li> Life is so interconnected. If you inhale and exhale, a transaction is happening between you and the plant life around you. This is not a choice. This is the way the life process happens. </li><li>If you are in tune with this constant transaction of giving and receiving – or simply sharing – in your life, you will be in tune with the life process. </li></ul>Otherwise you will create resistance against the life process by having ideas which are different from the way life happens, and slowly you will suffer.

In Tune with the Life Process

If you look at most people in this world, they do not look like springtime. They look like they are in the depths of winter. Their hearts have become frosty simply because they are not in tune with life around them. For every other creature on this planet, nature has fixed seasons. A tree flowers in a certain season. An animal mates in a certain season. For human beings, nature left you free – no seasons.

Embrace Spring Time

Nature trusted <a href="http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/video/spirit-of-eastern-wisdom-the-intelligence-within/">your intelligence </a>and awareness that, if given a choice, you will naturally choose to be in the best possible way every day of the year.Nature believed that you will be springtime 365 days, but people have chosen to be winter for all the 365 days. Off and on, springtime flashes once in a way. They smile only when they are tickled.  These ideas of giving and taking have essentially come because we have lost our life sense. If we have some life sense, we understand that life is a constant transaction. No one can live in exclusiveness. There is something beyond, which is absolute.

Life Is A Constant Transaction 

How to balance the give and take of life? A common saying in the Tamil language warns that both the one who always gives and the one who always takes will be ruined. Sadhguru responds to this aphorism, explaining that one who is in tune with the life process, who is like springtime within himself, will naturally give whatever is needed. 


philosophy

Philosophy

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Social scientists understand many of the reasons why perpetrators catfish. Why do they take the bait?There are several theories about what motivates a victim to continue a questionable digital relationship. Attachment theory is one of them. <ul><li>Victims may struggle to form romantic ties in real life, and thus subconsciously seek to keep potential partners at a distance.</li><li>A study found that having an anxious attachment style - often expressed as clinginess in romantic relationships - was a predictor for being a catfish target</li><li>Having both high avoidance and high anxiety increased the likelihood of bein<warningtag>g a victim.</warningtag></li></ul>

The Psychology of Catfishing

More people than ever are falling prey to online romance scams. Why do they take the bait? 

Understanding the Psychology of Catfishing

Our Human beings basic needs are Food, Shelter, Physical Desires, Love and Self-esteem. But Crave for Appreciation is Most important for everyone

Crave For Appreciation

In the present book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie says, “You can make someone want to do what you want them to do by seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view and arousing in the other person an eager want.” You learn how to make people like you, win people over to your way of thinking, and change people without causing offense or arousing resentment. For instance, “let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers” and “talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.” This book is all about building relationships. With good relationships, personal and business successes are easy and swift to achieve. Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking 1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong." 3. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 4. Begin in a friendly way. 5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes. 6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. 7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers. 8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. 9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. 10. Appeal to the nobler motives. 11. Dramatize your ideas. 12.Throw down a challenge.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Find 100+ Facts about Love & Relationships - Curated from trusted sources like  Books, Podcasts & Articles - Genuine Insights from like-minded Users like You!

Everything Starts with Trust

Social identity theory - Wikipedia

Why community matters so much — and how to find yours

HISTORY OF IDEAS - Love

How To Ignore People

No Give & Take, Just Spring in Your Heart

Understanding the Psychology of Catfishing

How to Win Friends and Influence People

5 Sales and Writing Secrets That Could Save Your Marriage (And Make Your Relationship Thrive)

Narcissists Don’t Lie, They Create Alternate Realities

It's time to
Read like a Pro.

Everything Starts with Trust

Social identity theory - Wikipedia

Why community matters so much — and how to find yours

HISTORY OF IDEAS - Love

How To Ignore People

No Give & Take, Just Spring in Your Heart

Understanding the Psychology of Catfishing

How to Win Friends and Influence People

5 Sales and Writing Secrets That Could Save Your Marriage (And Make Your Relationship Thrive)

Narcissists Don’t Lie, They Create Alternate Realities

It's time to Read like a Pro.

It's time to
Read like a Pro.