If you're a perfectionist, that might mean you can be pretty hard on yourself. A mistake at work, for example, could result is some pretty negative self-talk or actions, like depriving yourself of a snack later that day. In other words, you're punishing yourself. But self-punishment doesn't encourage growth, says Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist and author of "The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control."

"Punishment doesn't work," she writes in her book. "When you punish someone, that person doesn't learn how to change; they learn how to avoid the source of the punishment."  If you are the source of your own punishment then you learn to avoid yourself. This might look like overworking, overspending, or numbing yourself with excessive consumption of social media or TV shows. None of this actually helps you grow, though.  Punishment can be mistaken for a handful of things: discipline, personal accountability, natural consequence, and rehabilitation.

<ul><li>Punishment vs. Discipline: "Punishment seeks to increase pain. Discipline seeks to increase structure," Schafler writes in her book. Punishment is about control and discouraging negative behavior. Discipline is about promoting structure to increase positive behavior.  </li> </ul>

<ul><li>Punishment vs. personal accountability: Personal accountability is about owning up to your mistake and taking responsibility for the solution. Personal responsibility requires you to apologize to who you've hurt and make a pledge to improve. Punishment doesn't really come with a plan other than blaming yourself. "Punishment is lazy," she writes.  </li> </ul>

<ul><li>Punishment vs. natural consequence:  Punishment relies on fear to help you learn, but natural consequence relies on understanding that your choices had impact, perhaps one you didn't like. Instead of being scared to act, natural consequence might encourage you to act in a way that will net a positive result.  </li> </ul>

<ul><li>Punishment vs. rehabilitation: Punishment seeks to "demoralize and disempower" while rehabilitation seeks to "stabilize and empower," Schafler writes. Rehabilitation focuses on building positive growth on a healthy foundation.  </li> </ul>

Instead of punishing yourself for making a mistake, Schafler writes it is more effective to practice self-compassion. In her book she references the broaden-and-build theory, a positive psychology theory that was developed by social psychologist Barbara Fredrickson in 1998.  Broaden-and-build theory suggests that when you're in a positive headspace you feel more able to face different challenges and make choices based on the possibility of positive outcomes.

The broaden-and-build theory

When you're in a negative headspace your view narrows and you aren't inspired or encouraged to think differently.  In order to put yourself in a positive headspace, you need to practice self-compassion, Schafler says.

"Research demonstrates self compassion's positive association with a greater sense of self-worth, increased personal initiative, increased resilience to stress, more realistic self-appraisals of strengths and weaknesses, lower levels of depression and anxiety, reduced rates of burnout, increased motivation to make amends for past mistakes, and the list goes on," Schafler says.

Opting for self-compassion instead of self-punishment means you are more likely to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person.

This Positive Psychology Theory Will Help You Learn From Your Mistakes 

"When you punish someone, that person doesn't learn how to change; they learn how to avoid the source of the punishment." 

Understand yourself and those around you.

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This positive psychology theory will help you learn from your mistakes: 'Punishment doesn't work'

Mental blocks can be quite frustrating and can prevent us from reaching our full potential. However, there are several ways to overcome them.

It is important to understand what is causing the block. Is it fear of failure, a lack of confidence, or perhaps past negative experiences? Once you have identified the source, you can start to address it and find ways to overcome it.

Identify the source of the block

Setting achievable goals can help you focus on what you want to achieve, and can also help you measure your progress. Make sure the goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.

Set achievable goals

Our thoughts and beliefs play a crucial role in shaping our experiences. Try to replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations and reminders of your strengths and accomplishments.

Practice positive self-talk

Taking breaks and engaging in activities that you enjoy can help you recharge and reduce stress. Exercise, meditation, and spending time with loved ones are all great ways to take care of you.

Take breaks and engage in self-care

Surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people can help you stay motivated and on track. Seek out mentors, join a support group, or connect with like-minded individuals.

Surround yourself with positive influences:

Don't let failures define you. Instead, use them as opportunities to learn and grow. Reflect on what you could have done differently and use that knowledge to inform your future actions.

Learn from failures

Stepping out of your comfort zone can help you overcome mental blocks. Try new activities, take on new challenges, and embrace uncertainty.

 Challenge yourself

If your mental blocks persist, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor. They can help you work through your issues and develop a plan to overcome your mental blocks.

 Seek professional help

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Meditation

8 ways to get out of Mental Blocks

<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52129515-untamed">Untamed </a>is an inspiring memoir of Glennon Doyle, a woman who found peace and inner strength by challenging life in all its areas, from love to parenting, personal growth, and work, after going through a powerful change that led her to discover crucial aspects about herself and allowed her to build a new life.

Untamed - Book Summary 

"Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price."-Glennon Doyle Martin

Author Quote

If you ever don’t know what your direction in life is, you’re not alone. When <a href="https://momastery.com/blog/about-glennon/">Glennon Doyle </a>turned her life around from the roots, things became challenging. However, she knew there was no other way to escape her unhappiness. Sometimes, intuition is the best tool we have. The author herself had to learn this the hard way. After years of striving for dreams that didn’t even feel like her own anymore, she decided to follow her gut. She did away with the unfitting life guidelines she once set for herself.

Book Overview 

As such, when she met Abby Wambach, the woman she would soon fall in love with, her life started to take a twist. Her true nature showed up and she felt as if her cage broke open. Now, there was nothing holding Glennon back from being her unapologetic self.  Her memoir, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52129515-untamed">Untamed </a>, will inspire you to embrace the power within yourself and open up to new challenges, opportunities, and situations.

<ol><li>Don’t repress your true self, it will lead to unhappiness. </li><li>Putting yourself first can make you a better parent for your children. </li><li>Stop fighting what’s meant to be and embrace your true destiny. </li> </ol>

Top 3 Book Idea

There are times in life when we feel as if we’re stuck in a place where we don’t belong, no matter how hard we try to fit in. Sometimes these situations force us to learn important lessons about ourselves, such as who we are, what our boundaries are, or what we want out of our life.   This was the case for Doyle before she revealed her true identity and sexual orientation. Before meeting Abby, the author was living a picture-perfect life: she had a husband with whom she had children, a prosperous career, and a healthy family.

Lesson 1:  Your true nature will show eventually, so don’t force yourself into hiding it  .

In reality, she didn’t feel attracted to her spouse. And she was trying hard to keep up with the appearances she was presenting to her circle of friends and family. Then, she met Abby. Her <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/the-untethered-soul-summary/">soul </a>started to feel unsettling, disrupted, and different. After careful introspection, she realized that divorcing her husband was the best choice, and she was right! Currently, she’s living a happy, fulfilled life with Abby, has a fruitful career in writing, and has a great relationship with her children and ex-husband. Although difficult at first, living up to her true identity was worth it.

Being a perfect <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/13-things-mentally-strong-parents-dont-do-summary/">parent </a>is an impossible feat, yet every loving mother or father tries to achieve it. Frankly, many of them get pretty close, but mistakes do happen.  However, as long as you love your children and support them in their endeavors, your connection will grow stronger than ever. Doyle was the kind of parent who did everything right.

Lesson 2:  Being a good role model for your children sometimes means doing what’s best for you  .

For this reason, when she first considered getting a divorce, she felt awful. This decision could ruin her children’s lives, but staying unhappy could do the same for hers. What was there to do? As she was struggling with this decision, a thought popped into her mind.

Then, she knew exactly what she had to do. After all, what kind of example was she setting for her children? If pursuing and finding happiness was the ultimate goal, she had to achieve it, and that implied getting a divorce.  Her decision not only made her proud of herself but also strengthened her image as a role model for her children.

Just like Doyle, you too have a destiny of your own. Whether you’re directing your efforts in the right direction, or not, chances are you know deep down what it is that makes your mind, body, and soul happy.  Therefore, it would be wise to actively acknowledge that before it’s too late, and start living your life accordingly. Fortunately, the author realized that pretending to be the <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/battle-hymn-of-the-tiger-mother-summary/">perfect mother </a>, Christian, and wife wasn’t something she wanted to keep on doing.

Lesson 3:  When it’s meant to be, it will be, so stop fighting your true self  .

When everything kicked in, her life looked pretty stable and happy. In fact, she was scheduled to go on tour with her book. Still, when something is meant to be, it will be. So the timing was only a small impediment in her upcoming journey. After careful consideration, she decided that it was time to let everyone know that she will be getting a divorce. She assured her children that their family would still be a loving place for them. And so she let her followers know what was going on in her life.

Without further hiding or excuses, everyone was on the same page ― Doyle was now dating a woman. Instead of hurting her career, the news made her book release as successful as ever. Moreover, her <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/relationship-goals-summary/">love life </a>took off as well.  All the arrows were finally pointing in the right direction, and everything felt well in her heart. This powerful story now serves as an inspiration for people all over the world willing to turn their lives around for the better by following their intuition and dreams.

<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52129515-untamed">Untamed </a>will help any struggling, broken soul find <a href="https://nik.art/if-you-cant-beat-the-fear-just-do-it-scared">the courage to break out of their misery </a>and make their ambitions come true. Use Glennon’s hard-earned lessons as a wake-up call if you live under unrealistic expectations, unfit societal standards, or a life that you don’t want to claim as your own.  Reading her memoir will lift your spirit and teach you what a powerful mother and woman can do once she sets goals and boundaries and starts to respect herself truly.

Untamed - Book Review

The 30-year-old woman who feels miserable in her marriage and wants to find a way out, the 28-year-old single mother who is looking to become a better role model for her children, or the 35-year-old activist who is researching real-life stories about sexism, social injustice, or feminism.

Who would I recommend the Untamed to?

Untamed summary is an inspiring memoir of Glennon Doyle, a woman who found peace and inner strength by challenging life in all its areas.

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Philosophy

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Motivation & Inspiration

Untamed Summary

All of us have seen what this is like in the last three years, as we slowly try and emerge from the COVID pandemic. If we think about the people we used to be three years ago, before the pandemic, we can see how we have changed. We can see how anxiety and isolation and upheavals in our lives and livelihoods, how this has changed us, changed our outlook, changed our perspective.

Our Future Is Not Just Unknown; It Is Unknowable. 

There is a paradox here, and the paradox is when we look backwards, we can see enormous changes in who we have become. But when we look forwards, we tend to imagine that we’re going to be the same people in the future. Now sure, we imagine the world is going to be different. We know what AI and climate change is going to mean for a very different world. But we don’t imagine that we ourselves will have different perspectives, different views, different preferences in the future.Shankar Vedantam calls this “the illusion of continuity”.

The Illusion Of Continuity

One reason this happens is that when we look backwards, the contrast with our prior selves to who we are today is so clear. We can see it so clearly that we have become different people. When we look forward, we can imagine ourselves being a little older, a little grayer, but we don’t imagine, fundamentally, that we’re going to have a different outlook or perspective, that we’re going to be different people. And so those changes seem more amorphous.This illusion has profound consequences not just for whether we become soccer players or podcast hosts, but for matters involving life and death.

The Past, We Actually See; The Future, We Only Imagine

Philosophers have talked for many years about a thought experiment; it’s sometimes called the “ship of Theseus”. The great warrior Theseus returned from his exploits, his ship was stationed in the harbor as a memorial. And over the decades, parts of the ship began to rot and decay, and as this happened, planks were replaced by new planks. Until, eventually, every part of the ship of Theseus was built from something new. And philosophers, starting with Plato, have asked the question “If every part of the ship of Theseus is new, is this still the ship of Theseus?”

The Ship Of Theseus

Our cells turn over all the time. The people we were 10 years ago are not the people we are today. Biologically, we have become a different person. But something much more profound happens at a psychological level. Because you could argue a ship is not just a collection of planks, a body is not just a collection of cells. It’s the organization of the planks that makes the ship. It’s the organization of the cells that make the body. If you preserve the organization, even if you swap planks or cells in and out, you still have the ship, you still have the same body.

We Are All Walking Examples Of The Ship Of Theseus

But at a psychological level, each new layer that’s put down is not identical to the one that came before it. The famous plasticity of the brain that we’ve all heard so much about means that, on an ongoing basis, we are constantly becoming a new person. This has profound consequences for so many aspects of our lives.

A New Plank Is An Other Plank

When we make promises to other people, when we promise to love someone till death do us part, we are making a promise that a stranger is going to have to keep. Our future selves might not share our views, our perspectives, our hopes. When we lock people up and throw away the key, it’s not just that the people we imprison are going to be different in 30 years. We are going to be different 30 years from now. Our need for retribution, for vengeance, might not be what it is today.

Our Future Selves Are Strangers To Us

When we pass laws, we often do so with an intent of making a better country, improving our country. But any country that’s been around for a few decades has numerous laws on the books that made perfect sense when they were crafted - in fact, that were seen as enlightened when they were crafted - and today, they seem antiquated or absurd, or even unconscionable. And all of these examples stem from the same problem, which is that we imagine that we represent the end of history. That the future is only going to be more of the same.

We Do Not Represent The End Of History

Shankar Vedantam has 3 pieces of advice on how to wrestle with this wicked problem. And it is a wicked problem, because all of us spend so much of our lives trying to make our future selves happy. And we don’t stop to ask, “Is it possible that in 20 or 30 years, our future selves are going to look back at us with bewilderment, with resentment?” That our future selves will ask us, “What made you possibly think that that is what I would want?”

What Were You Thinking???!!!

First, ifyou accept the idea that you’re going to be a different person in the future, you should play an active role crafting the person you are going to become. You should be the curator of your future self. You should be the architect of your future self. What does that mean? Spend time with people who are not just your friends and family. Spend time on avocations and professional pursuits that are not just what you do regularly. Expand your horizons, because if you’re going to become someone different, you might as well be in charge of deciding who that person is going to be.

Advice #1: Stay Curious

Second, as we make pronouncements on social media or in political forums, or at dinner parties, let’s bear in mind that among the people who might disagree with us are our own future selves. So when we express views with great certitude and confidence let’s remember to add a touch of humility. This is true not just at an individual level - it’s also true at an organizational level. We want no-one to come along and undo the changes we’ve made. And it’s a very human impulse, but it stems from the same belief, that our perspective on history is the final word. And quite simply, this is wrong.

Advice #2: Practice Humility

Our future selves are going to be different, but they’re also going to have capacities and strengths and wisdom that we do not possess today. So when we confront opportunities and we hesitate, when we tell ourselves, “I don’t think I have it in me to quit my job and start my own company,” or we tell ourselves “I don’t have it in me to look after a disabled child”, what we really should be saying is “I don’t have the capacity to do those things today. That doesn’t mean I won’t have the capacity to do those things tomorrow.” So lesson number 3 is to be brave.

Advice #3: Be Brave

I believe if you can do these three things, if you can stay curious, you can practice humility and you can be brave, then your future self will look back at you in 20 or 30 years - will look back, not with resentment or bewilderment, but will look back at you and say: “Thank you”.

Shankar Vedantam explains the profound impact of something he calls the “illusion of continuity” - the belief that our future selves will share the same views, perspectives and hopes as our current selves - and shows how we can more proactively craft the people we are to become.

"You are constantly becoming a new person," says journalist Shankar Vendantam. In a talk full of beautiful storytelling, he explains the profound impact of something he calls the "illusion of continuity" -- the belief that our future selves will share the same views, perspectives and hopes as our current selves -- and shows how we can more proactively craft the people we are to become. If you love watching TED Talks like this one, become a TED Member to support our mission of spreading ideas: http://ted.com/membership Follow TED! Twitter: http://twitter.com/TEDTalks Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ted Facebook: http://facebook.com/TED LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/ted-conferences TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tedtoks The TED Talks channel features talks, performances and original series from the world's leading thinkers and doers. Subscribe to our channel for videos on Technology, Entertainment and Design — plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. Visit http://TED.com to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more. Watch more: https://go.ted.com/shankarvedantam https://youtu.be/dtfaccGmCCs TED's videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy: https://www.ted.com/about/our-organization/our-policies-terms/ted-talks-usage-policy. For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at https://media-requests.ted.com #TED #TEDTalks #future

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"You are constantly becoming a new person," says journalist Shankar Vendantam. In a talk full of beautiful storytelling, he explains the profound impact of something he calls the "illusion of continuity" -- the belief that our future selves will share the same views, perspectives and hopes as our current selves -- and shows how we can more proactively craft the people we are to become.

If you love watching TED Talks like this one, become a TED Member to support our mission of spreading ideas: http://ted.com/membership

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The TED Talks channel features talks, performances and original series from the world's leading thinkers and doers. Subscribe to our channel for videos on Technology, Entertainment and Design — plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. Visit http://TED.com to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more.

Watch more: https://go.ted.com/shankarvedantam

https://youtu.be/dtfaccGmCCs

TED's videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy: https://www.ted.com/about/our-organization/our-policies-terms/ted-talks-usage-policy. For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at https://media-requests.ted.com

#TED #TEDTalks #future

The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You're welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know.

TED's videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy: https://www.ted.com/about/our-organization/our-policies-terms/ted-talks-usage-policy. For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at https://media-requests.ted.com

You Don’t Actually Know What Your Future Self Wants | Shankar Vedantam | TED

We Don’t Actually Know What Our Future Self Wants

<a href="https://www.yourtango.com/experts/lyssa-dehart/what-is-empathy-how-to-be-more-empathetic-in-all-of-your-relationships">Empathy is the ability to feel something for others </a>, to put yourself in their position and feel what they are going through, and have respect for others. By having empathy for others, you are a more respectful and kind person, but it goes even deeper than that, because there are three different types of empathy you can have, and they don't all look and feel the same.

The 3 types of empathy are cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and compassionate empathy. Each different type manifests in its own way. However, even if you demonstrate one or more types of empathy, sometimes you can still come off as uncaring. Showing empathy takes time and effort, and it’s usually through the steps of learning the different types of empathy and when to use each.

What are the 3 types of empathy?

<a href="https://www.yourtango.com/experts/thethinking-otherwoman/what-people-mean-when-they-talk-about-empathy">Empathy is important </a>because you’re able to use your shared experiences and imagine what it’s like to be in a particular situation, even if you have never been and might never be in the future. This ultimately helps you succeed at relating to and helping others.

Cognitive empathy is the type of empathy where you put yourself in another person's shoes. It’s concerned with thought, understanding, and intellect. Cognitive empathy allows you to empathize with another person by being able to understand what they are feeling through shared experiences. Example of cognitive empathy : When your roommate comes home and her boyfriend just broke up with her, you let her know that you've been there and can understand what she's going through, helping her feel less alone.

1. Cognitive empathy

Pros: Cognitive empathy makes you a better communicator because it relies on information that, in a way, best connects with the other person. Cons: Cognitive empathy is said to be empathy by thought but not feeling. This means that there is a question of feeling empathy when there’s no sympathy that comes along with it.

How to practice and develop cognitive empathy : In order to practice cognitive empathy, next time you meet someone new, before you engage with them, consider what you know or don’t know about them. Be willing to learn more as you engage in a conversation. When talking to this person, keep in mind that you will have an <a href="https://www.yourtango.com/2021342110/common-types-of-bias-list-cognitive-biases">unconscious bias </a>as you interpret their mood or behavior, and keep in mind how they respond to you, verbally and physically.

Emotional empathy is when you physically feel another person's emotions alongside them. It’s concerned with feelings, physical sensations, and the mirror neurons in the brain. Example of emotional empathy : You would use emotional empathy when crying with others at a wedding or feeling a visceral human response when you see someone fall off a bike. Pros: This is a very important type of empathy to have because we can respond and even comfort our friends and family when they are going through something. By doing so, you build close interpersonal relationships.

2. Emotional empathy

Cons: With emotional empathy, you might end up in emotion overload. If you become overwhelmed a lot, practice self-control when using emotional empathy so you can manage your own emotions better. How to practice and develop emotional empathy: When a friend, family member, or significant other is telling you about a personal situation or struggle, try not to judge them. Instead, focus on how and why this person feels like that. Then, ask yourself how you can help and relate to what they are going through.

Compassionate empathy is all about finding the right balance between logic and emotion. Compassionate empathy deals with Intellect, emotion, and action. It’s what we typically understand as having empathy for others, like feeling someone's pain and taking action. Example of emotional empathy : When you see someone on the street asking for money, food, or help, you immediately walk over to them. This may include you offering them assistance or giving them a shoulder to cry on.

3. Compassionate empathy

Pros: Compassionate empathy is the kind of empathy everyone should strive to have. It's what we understand as having compassion for others and being concerned to help solve their problems. Cons: This is the type of empathy most people desire, but it’s hard for some to practice. You fully need to understand and sympathize with other people, while also taking action to help them.

How to practice and develop compassionate empathy: When you directly ask another person what you can do to help them, that is practicing compassionate empathy; if they don’t want you to help, ask yourself why. Remember that whatever might have worked for you in the past in their situation or for others, might not work for them.

The 3 Different Types Of Empathy - And How To Express Each One

There Are 3 Different Types Of Empathy, And It's Important For All Your Interpersonal Relationships To Know When To Use Each Of Them.

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Communication

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Love & Relationships

The 3 Different Types Of Empathy — And How To Express Each One

<ul><li>Thinking in extremes. Using words like always, never, must, should, horrible, perfect etc</li><li>This type of thinking results in extreme emotions and can make a situation worse.</li><li>The key to resolve black and white thinking is to look at reality in a more nuanced manner and get honest with ourselves</li><li>Instead of saying ‘you never do something’ say that ‘she does these sometimes’.</li></ul>

Black and white thinking 

<ul><li>It justifies you.</li><li>It excuses you from work.</li><li>It protects you from feelings extreme emotions like disappointment, sadness etc.</li><li>It helps you feel powerless.</li><li>It kinda feels good.</li></ul>

Why do we think in ‘black or white’

<ul><li>Notice extreme words like 'always', 'never', 'horrible' etc.</li><li>Take a deep breath and slow down.</li><li>Name the emotion - like I feel angry, for example I feel  </li><li>Reframe your thoughts by - </li></ul><ol><li>Use both/and - You can feel two emotions at the same time. Eg I am smart and valuable but i make mistakes too.</li><li>Look for exceptions like "my husband does the dishes sometimes"</li></ol><ul><li>Be specific about the problem. Specify what’s troubling you. Instead of saying 'everything is horrible' describe what specifically is horrible.</li><li>Be accountable. What can be done to help the situation</li></ul>

Reframing black and white thinking

Reframe your thinking to see reality as more nuanced and varied.

Get the free guide to this episode: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/pl/2147654246 Looking for affordable online counseling? My sponsor, BetterHelp, connects you to a licensed professional from the comfort of your own home. Try it now for 10% off your first month: https://betterhelp.com/therapyinanutshell Learn more in one of my in-depth mental health courses: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/?utm_medium=YTDescription&utm_source=YouTube Black-and-white thinking is when you take a situation and think about it in an extreme way, you push out all the nuance and turn it into something as intense as possible. You can usually recognize it when you use words like “Always, Never, Perfect, Terrible, Everything, Everyone, Nothing, Nobody, Worst, or Best. The Arbinger Institute calls these “Horribilizations” You take something and horriblize it. Notice how in these situations, black and white thinking exaggerates the situation. A husband says to his wife: “You NEVER do the dishes! I ALWAYS have to clean up after you!” Depressed Young Adult: “EVERYthing is awful. The world is a TERRIBLE place. Climate change is HOPELESS. I’ll NEVER be able to succeed. I’m NO good at math” Someone at work: My boss is the WORST communicator. A young mother: “I’m just a TERRIBLE person” or “She has it ALL together, she’s such a SAINT” Each time, the person takes a difficult situation and makes it horrible. They use the most extreme word. Never. Always. Everything. Hopeless. Terrible. The more extreme your thinking, the more intense your emotions will be, and the more likely you are to be depressed or anxious. But Black and White thinking also makes you helpless to escape that depression or anxiety. And it’s a lie. When you use B&W thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad. You’re lying. If it’s so awful, why do we do it? You subconsciously like black and white thinking because it serves a function in the short term. And like a drug, it makes you suffer in the long term. So what function does it serve? 00:00 Introduction to Emotional Reactivity 00:38 How to Identify Black and White Thinking 02:36 Why do we "like" black and white thinking? 05:52 How to be less emotionally reactive 06:15 How to reframe black and white thinking 07:10 How to think in the gray 10:15 summary of how to be less emotionally reactive Support my mission on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therapyinanutshell Sign up for my newsletter: https://www.therapyinanutshell.com?utm_medium=YTDescription&utm_source=YouTube Check out my favorite self-help books: https://kit.co/TherapyinaNutshell/best-self-help-books Check out my podcast, Therapy in a Nutshell: https://tinpodcast.podbean.com/ Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health. In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction. And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services. Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

Get the free guide to this episode: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/pl/2147654246

Looking for affordable online therapy? My sponsor, BetterHelp, connects you to a licensed professional from the comfort of your own home. Try it now for 10% off your first month: https://betterhelp.com/therapyinanutshell

Learn more in one of my in-depth mental health courses: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/?utm_medium=YTDescription&utm_source=YouTube

Black-and-white thinking is when you take a situation and think about it in an extreme way, you push out all the nuance and turn it into something as intense as possible. You can usually recognize it when you use words like “Always, Never, Perfect, Terrible, Everything, Everyone, Nothing, Nobody, Worst, or Best. The Arbinger Institute calls these “Horribilizations” You take something and horriblize it. 

Notice how in these situations, black and white thinking exaggerates the situation. 
A husband says to his wife: “You NEVER do the dishes! I ALWAYS have to clean up after you!”
Depressed Young Adult: “EVERYthing is awful. The world is a TERRIBLE place. Climate change is HOPELESS.  I’ll NEVER be able to succeed. I’m NO good at math”  
Someone at work: My boss is the WORST communicator. 
A young mother: “I’m just a TERRIBLE person” or “She has it ALL together, she’s such a SAINT”
Each time, the person takes a difficult situation and makes it horrible. They use the most extreme word. Never. Always. Everything. Hopeless. Terrible. 

The more extreme your thinking, the more intense your emotions will be, and the more likely you are to be depressed or anxious. But Black and White thinking also makes you helpless to escape that depression or anxiety. And it’s a lie. When you use B&W thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad. You’re lying. 

If it’s so awful, why do we do it? 
You subconsciously like black and white thinking because it serves a function in the short term. And like a drug, it makes you suffer in the long term. So what function does it serve?

00:00 Introduction to Emotional Reactivity
00:38 How to Identify Black and White Thinking
02:36 Why do we "like" black and white thinking?
05:52 How to be less emotionally reactive
06:15 How to reframe black and white thinking
07:10 How to think in the gray
10:15 summary of how to be less emotionally reactive
Support my mission on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therapyinanutshell
Sign up for my newsletter: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/free-resources
Check out my favorite self-help books: https://kit.co/TherapyinaNutshell/best-self-help-books
Check out my podcast, Therapy in a Nutshell: https://tinpodcast.podbean.com/

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction. 
And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe

If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

Welcome to my passion project! I’m Emma McAdam, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and my mission is to make mental health resources easier to access. I take therapy skills and psychological research and condense them down into bite-sized nuggets of help. 

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I’m here to spread the message that while mental illness is real, it’s common, it’s debilitating, it’s also treatable. There are dozens of research-backed approaches to treating depression, anxiety, and other mental illness. Change, growth, and healing are possible. Please keep courage! Try one little thing every day to improve your life and health, and things can get so much better! 
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How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking

How to Reframe Black and White Thinking and become less emotionally reactive

A brief look into why we shouldn’t misdirect our anger towards human customer service representatives.

While we might have every right to be dissatisfied with the products or services we purchase, frustrated consumers rarely express anger toward the correct person.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Although we perceive them as representing the company, they personally had nothing to do with the problem that is making us angry. Yes, the procedures the company has in place might be extremely annoying and frustrating, but they didn’t determine those procedures, they are merely paid to follow them (literally by reading scripts from which they are not allowed to deviate).

Why We Get Angry at Customer Service Reps and Why We Shouldn’t

Customer service employees often average up to 10 hostile calls a day and must tolerate personal insults, screaming, cursing and even threats—regularly. They are required to stay on the line and ‘salvage’ even the most hostile calls. Unfortunately, it isn’t unusual to hear otherwise decent people confess to treating call-center representatives in a manner they would consider verbally abusive and reprehensible in any other context

The Sad Reality 

<ol><li>We view them as literal representatives of the companies that are responsible for our frustrations and problems, and by doing so, we ascribe blame to them personally. </li><li>In addition, never seeing their faces allows us to switch off psychological filters such as civility and empathy. </li><li>Lastly, we often anticipate such calls to be so annoying that we enter a veritable battle mentality even before dialing the toll-free number.</li></ol>

Reasons we tend to dehumanize Customer Service representatives

A recent study found that when customer service reps receive a heighted number of angry or abusive calls, it impacts them psychologically and emotionally. Not only do they brood at night about these encounters, it also damages their moods the next morning. In other words, our outbursts literally cause representatives psychological wounds that spill into their lives after their shift is over. Indeed, brooding and rumination is a damaging psychological habit that is indicative of emotional distress and can lead to depression, helplessness and an elevated risk of cardiovascular disease

The Impact of Customer Hostility on Customer Service Rep

Not surprisingly, customer service representatives have one of the highest employee attrition rates in any industry because few workers can manage the heavy barrage of psychological and emotional assaults they sustain. As a result, companies have to regularly hire and train new call-center employees, causing a vicious cycle in which a chronic influx of new workers increases their hesitance and inexperience, which then frustrates us and inflames our tempers even further.

The Domino Effect 

Cstomers must remember that treating customer service reps as emotional punching bags represents a form of bullying that should be as intolerable to us as any other form of bullying. We are entitled to feel angry but when we do, we would be much better served writing an email to a company executive than yelling at a customer service representative. After all, it is the executive that makes the decisions, produces the products, and instills the procedures that are angering us in the first place, not the entry level employee who answers the phone when we call a toll free number

To Put It Bluntly 

On the other side of the phone, customer service representatives should treat their emotional wounds when they sustain them and not allow them to get worse. For example, they should become aware of the dangers of brooding and ruminating over angry encounters with customers, and they should practice treating that and other psychological wounds as soon as they sustain them.(read The Seven Hidden Dangers of Brooding and Ruminating)

How To Combat The Knock On Effect Of Disrespect

Perhaps if we all made efforts to improve our interactions with customer service representatives, especially over the holidays, it would be a happier holiday season for all.

Summary 

Why we shouldn’t misdirect our anger toward customer service representatives

career

Career

corporateculture

Corporate Culture

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Human Resources

Customer Anger Causes Emotional Injuries to Service Reps

<ul><li>Research suggests that mentally strong people have certain characteristics and personality traits that make them better equipped to bounce back from failure. Emotional maturity, for instance is particularly important for mental strength and resilience because it allows a person to see reality for what it is.</li><li>Conversely emotionally immature people tend not to accept reality and instead re-write inconvenient facts so that they better align with their pre-existing mindsets. </li></ul>

7 WAYS MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE BOUNCE BACK FROM FAILURE

<ul><li>Mentally strong people, by contrast accept the consequences of their choices including the ability to move on.</li><li>Such inborn traits can certainty help. But every one can boost their resilience during tough times by availing themselves of certain strategies based on the following 7 things that mentally strong people do.</li></ul>

<ul><li>They realize that everyone has setbacks and perceived "failures" - such as divorce, lost jobs, losses in business etc, and that they are a part of life. Some element of failure and setback is to be expected when taking risks and moving out of one's comfort zone to, for instance achieve the goal. They resist the urge a blame themselves excessively by accepting reality for what it is.</li></ul>

1. THEY USE ACCEPTANCE

<ul><li> Mentally strong people are both open-minded and flexible about problem solving and tend to avoid rigid thinking. They provide positive and resilient self-talk to get through their set-backs. For example, the late author Wayne Dyer said: "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Changing your narrative about a setback allows for new cognitive reframes and self-narratives to be created. Inventor Thomas Edison reframed his failed experiments to create a self-narrative " I haven't failed; I have only found 1000 ways that do not work."</li></ul>

2. THEY FRAME SETBACKS

<ul><li>They ask, " How could I have done this differently? What did I learn about what works, and what did I learn about what doesn't work?" Looking back at a recent breakup, for example, could teach someone to pay more attention to red flags or the intuition they set aside at the beginning of the relationship. </li></ul>

3. THEY LEVERAGE THEIR SETBACK FOR FAILURE GROWTH

<ul><li>Mentally strong people do not bury their feelings, nor do they wallow in them. They acknowledge them and give themselves time to process the setback. Feelings of sadness, disappointments, devastation, or rejection are normal and nothing to be afraid of.</li></ul>

4. THEY ARE HONEST WITH THEIR FEELINGS AND ACKNOWLEDGE DISAPPOINTMENTS.

<ul><li>Mentally strong people tend to have an optimistic outlook on life, and studies have shown that there is a relationship between optimism and life satisfaction through self-control and grit. They know that there is no failure that can't be overcome, as long as they keep trying. For example, the late Steve Jobs was fired from Apple a company he created. He later stated that "It was the best thing that ever happened." He used it as an opportunity to move in another direction, Creating NeXT and Pixar.</li></ul>

5. THEY ARE OPTIMISTIC 

<ul><li>Many mentally strong people lean on their spiritually as a source of strength. They realize that having a spiritual orientation can help them tap into a growth mindset. Resilience the ability to bounce back from disappointments along with spiritual beliefs, can help make meaning of each experience.</li><li>Individual spirituality can help promote both meaning and positive emotions such as gratitude over time.</li></ul>

6. THEY MAY MAKE MEANING OF THEIR EXPERIENCES AND SETBACKS THROUGH A SPIRITUAL LENS.

<ul><li>To tap into self-compassion when you're feeling down, try asking: "What would I say to a good friend who experienced what I'm experiencing?" Additionally, mindfulness techniques can help promote self-compassion as it helps someone acknowledge their feelings rather than push them away. Some mindfulness practices for example, encourage adherents to internally acknowledge that "This is a moment of suffering"</li><li>Further mindfulness can help someone remind themselves that they are not alone; indeed countless people are feeling just as they are, right at this very moment.</li></ul>

7. THEY ARE SELF-COMPASSIONATE

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Projection is a <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960">defense mechanism</a> in which an individual recognizes their unacceptable traits or impulses in someone else to avoid recognizing those traits or impulses in themselves subconsciously.People protect their self-esteem by denying characteristics, impulses, or feelings they find threatening while seeing those same characteristics in someone else.

Projection as a Defense Mechanism

<ul><li>A wife is attracted to a male co-worker but can't admit her feelings, so when her husband talks about a female co-worker, she becomes jealous and accuses him of being attracted to the other woman.</li><li>A man who feels insecure about his masculinity mocks other men for acting like women.</li><li>Someone feels guilty for feeling the urge to steal, leading them to suspect that others are planning to take their wallet or other valuables.</li><li>A young man ignores his own aggressive impulses and instead inaccurately believes his friend has aggressive tendencies.</li></ul>

Examples of Projection

We always see our own unavowed mistakes in our opponent.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Projection is when one sees the traits that they find unacceptable in themselves in others. Learn about the origin and impact of the defense mechanism projection.

What Is a Projection Defense Mechanism?

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