Letting go has a lot of similarities to quitting, but one big difference.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">When someone quits it’s generally highly emotional and filled with frustration or anger that something isn’t going as well as they thought.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Letting go no longer has an emotional attachment. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">It’s a moment where you realize this person, thing or situation isn’t serving you anymore, it’s not something you want anymore, and it no longer causes you stress. It’s a feeling and action of peace, of freedom.</li></ul>

Letting Go Vs. Quitting 

Quitting is a bright red faced, loud, screaming toddler while letting go is an old woman with long white hair sitting in a peaceful green garden smiling.

The only question you need to answer to know the difference : Why am I doing this?<ul><li>When you can really clarify why you’re doing something, why you’re doing it for you, not anyone else, it will either make you realize you need to keep working hard to get what you want and you’re feeling a little moment of wanting to quit or it will make you realize there is no reason why. </li><li>When you can’t clarify why you’re doing something, it means it’s time to let it go.</li></ul>

How do you recognize the difference

The difference between letting go and quitting 

When you’re a kid, you hear things like, “Winners never quit and quitters never win” (Vince Lombardi). Then suddenly as an adult you start to think that any time you stop doing something, you’re a…

career

Career

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

mentalhealth

Mental Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go

Finding the right partner feels like a whole lot of work. There are so many moving parts to a relationship–attractiveness, trust, honesty, communication, intimacy, sex life, etc.–that it may feel like there’s no hope in finding a partner that you can spend your life with.

Ways on How to Choose a Life Partner

<ul><li>First, you need to acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. </li><li>Then you need to appreciate and love them for what they are.</li></ul>

1. Learn to love yourself

<ul><li>This step is the most fun because it is the ultimate filter. </li><li>You are going to weed out people that aren’t a good fit for you and draw in those that are perfect for you.</li><li> It might rub some people the wrong way, but if it does, let them go.</li></ul>

2. Be unapologetically you

When you are on the lookout for a suitable partner, make sure the person who interests you is someone with a good sense of humor, and this is what you must seek while choosing a marriage partner without any doubts.

3. Look for someone who makes you laugh

<ul>
<li>Having shared values reinforces the foundation of your relationship.</li>
<li>Simple things such as consensus on the number of children you want or living within your means create a conducive environment for your relationship to thrive.</li>
</ul>

4. Ensure you both have common basics

<ul><li>At one point, you will feel seeing a person that you have found your suitable partner because they shower you with love, gifts, and compliments, but that is not all you must look for. </li><li>As you move ahead with each other, love will take a backseat, and you both will be exposed to each other as a person- who you are from inside.</li></ul>

5. Find someone who is a first, a good human

The more time you spend with your prospective partner, the better it will be for you to understand them.

6. Spend a lot of time together

<ul><li>A person willing to be in a long-term relationship with you will show genuine support for your ambitions and goals in life.</li><li> Your potential life partner should be supportive of your plans to advance your career or pursue a worthy course.</li></ul>

7. Consider a life partner keen on your life

<ul><li>Closely related to anger management skills is your partner’s ability to forgive and forget. </li><li>Love does not always revolve around kissing and other intimate stuff. Arguments are deemed to occur in one way or another. </li><li>Be keen to get a partner who does not keep dwelling on disagreements that happened in the past</li></ul>

8.  Ability to forgive and forget

<ul><li>A relationship is a two-way street. </li><li>Each party must be determined to make the relationship work. </li><li>When choosing the right partner for marriage, select a person who allocates time for you and demonstrates concern for your needs.</li></ul>

9. Willingness to invest in the relationship

Choosing the right life partner is a high stake decision. You have to select the right partner in order to lead a happy married life. Below are essential things to consider before choosing a life partner.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

25 Ways on How to Choose a Life Partner

At one point or another, most people will experience the tingling of love or something similar. They will also likely experience the thrill of developing a romantic relationship. Some will last. Others will go by fleetingly. There will, at the very least, have one aspect in common – the feeling we call “love.” Many poets and philosophers have pondered upon how that is defined and what that means. Scientists have taken a more practical approach and may have found some answers through their observations.

21 Fascinating Psychological Facts About Relationships 

That feeling of love comes with some very interesting and observable effects on our bodies and minds. Here are just a few fascinating psychological facts about relationships.

Your senses may feel heightened a lot of the time <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/psychology-facts-about-love/">when you’re in love </a>. Your body also reveals a lot about what’s happening and what you respond to. Let’s start with some of the more interesting side-effects of being in a relationship.

This is going to sound like something from a Sci-Fi movie. When two people are in love, and they share those long, engaging stares, their heartbeats start to synchronize. The explanations for this aren’t quite worked out yet, but a study definitely showed that couples observed during loving moments had their hearts reset to nearly identical rates.

1. Two Hearts Beating As One

One vaguely connected theory about the above is that it may explain why we think that staring at <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/psychological-facts-about-soulmates/">your soulmate </a>makes you fall in love easier. There may be something to that old cliche: “Our eyes met across a crowded room.”

2. The Eyes Have It

Specialists have given serotonin the name “the love hormone,” and it has an interesting neurological effect on physical pain. It is said that when the production of this hormone is stimulated, it may relieve physical pain.A study offering serotonin to headache sufferers showed that when used in treatment, it relieved pain in the majority of subjects. The presence or image of a loved one is shown to relieve physical pain, as well, due to serotonin being produced. If your <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/intimate-questions-to-ask-your-partner/">partner </a>has a headache, try sending them a picture of you.

3. The Love Hormone

Love isn’t just one emotion or even one level of emotion. Most agree that it goes through stages (neurologically speaking, as well.) Initial obsession turns into calmer versions of the attraction as time goes along.

4. Love is More Than One  Emotion

According to several studies on the matter, people are more likely to be attracted to partners with different strengths in terms of their immune systems. Some suggest this is linked to genetic impulses connected to species propagation.

5. Diversity Rules

It’s important and very rewarding to laugh together. We can perhaps take that to mean that if you’re looking to build on a young relationship, try watching some comedy or doing amusing activities. Laughing together builds stronger emotions, according to psychologists.

6. Laughter Is Good for Relationships

The Brain releases lots of chemicals for all kinds of reasons. Love is no different. Alarmingly for some, a brain in love experiences similar chemical responses as someone consuming cocaine. The hormone dopamine is stimulated, which is also found when the drugs like cocaine and nicotine are used. Love is healthier than the other, though.

7. Love Is a Drug

The feelings of attraction and love also stimulate the production of testosterone, adrenaline, and oxytocin, according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine. All of these are required when it comes to love and attraction, for the most part.

8. Hormones Play a Part

A person in love experiences high levels of serotonin. This is interesting because the levels discussed are similar to those found in <a href="https://psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder">Obsessive Compulsive Disorder </a>conditions. Scientists say this explains why the object of your affections is ever-present in your mind.

9. The OCD Connection

According to at least one study found in Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience, love seems to create a desire to improve upon ourselves in other aspects of life. It seems to provide motivation and energy to process emotions like empathy, compassion, and even charity.

10. Love Makes Us Better People

Contrary to traditional wisdom (including books, films, and poetry), it’s men who seem to fall into the well of love a lot quicker than women. Of course, that’s an assumption. It could also be that <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/psychological-facts-about-guys-in-love/">guys </a>just tend to say it sooner.  Social culture has had it that men act bolder, at least traditionally. That may also have added the unexpected side effect that <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/psychological-facts-about-guys-in-love">men in love </a>do tend to be more emotionally commitment-ready.

11. Men Fall in Love Easier

Meeting someone at a bar and waking up with them the next day may not be love. <a href="https://www.newinterestingfacts.com/interesting-facts-about-science/">Science </a>shows that taking things too fast has an impact on different parts of the brain. However, that initial feeling of euphoria may feel similar, but a one-night stand is associated more with reward centers in the Brain than centers associated with longer-term infatuation.

12. Beware of the Quick Fix

When you’re in love (and other times), you sometimes get that feeling in your tummy described as “butterflies.” It’s as if the muscles in your belly are floating or perhaps firing off spontaneously. That is adrenaline going haywire, and it energizes and excites you. Some interpreted it as being nervous, too, which is why you are hyper-aware whenever that person is in the room.

13. Butterflies Are Common in Relationships

This is a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you are likely to be generally much better mentally and emotionally when your relationship is fresh and new. Over time, this feeling seems to fade. This means that you are mentally healthiest when you are in a new relationship (assuming it’s making you happy).

14. To Love and Good Health

By contrast, when a relationship breaks up, the impact on your health is measurable. The chemicals and hormones triggered by the stress and distress can actually weaken your heart and negatively impact your general wellness.  When they say some people die of a broken heart, the sentiment is more real than you might think. In fact, <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617">Broken Heart Syndrome </a>is a medical condition sometimes mistaken for a heart attack. Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/photos/couple-love-kiss-romantic-6706278/">Hoàng Đông Trịnh Lê </a>from Pixabay

15. Beware of the Downs

Kissing is important in that it determines whether potential relationships have that “chemistry.” Kissing also plays an important role in long-term relationships in that it helps to keep emotional and psychological bonds strong.

16. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

In terms of chemistry, people with high levels of either estrogen or testosterone seem to attract someone with the opposite hormone in abundance. On a related note, there is also a bizarre finding from a study where subjects were asked to smell t-shirts belonging to different potential partners. In a blind test, women chose T-shirts of men that had different immune system makeup to themselves. That is to say; they statistically chose the t-shirts of men who had different vulnerabilities in terms of illness and disease.

17. The T-Shirt Test

On the other hand, statistics show that people also tend to choose people that have similar features to either themselves or their opposite-sex parent. Some factors include the sizes of ears, color, the familiarity of eyes, and even lung capacity. How weird is that?

If you suffer from hypertension (high blood pressure), studies show that the happiness resulting from a loving relationship helps to manage the condition. A happy home helps with happy blood pressure, in other words. The opposite is also probably true, however. An unhappy relationship might well be bad for your stress and blood pressure levels.

18. The Blood That Moves the Body

Your brain has a lot to do with your mental state, and that includes any feelings you might have towards another. Consider these aspects when you’re in love or in a relationship.

Your Brain Is Set on Fire

The total combination of hormones and chemicals triggered by being in love makes the feeling very addictive. It’s the key to staying euphoric about the person and the state of mind you’re in. Perhaps this offers some clue as to why it’s easier to fall in love in dangerous or high-adrenaline situations. The jury is out on whether this means good things for a long-term relationship, but the brain is certainly more open to possibilities when on the end of a bungee cord, for example.

19. Dangerous Love

Being close to your loved one is a great stress reliever. On those difficult days, take time out to hug it out. It will provide a positive kick to your mood and drop your stress levels.

20. Hugs, Not Bugs

Finally, one way to tell if you’re really in love is to see if you’re finding fault with the object of your affection. If they seem absolutely perfect in every way, you’re hooked. This may be a biological impulse in that it should maintain your fascination long enough to want to procreate.  Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

21. The Perfection Paradox

21 Fascinating Psychological Facts About Relationships

At one point or another, most people will experience the tingling of love or something similar. They will also likely experience the thrill of developing a romantic relationship. Here are 21 fascinating psychological facts about relationships most people don't know

health

Health

21 Fascinating Psychological Facts about Relationships (2022) Most People Don't Know

I barely report about my own life but this time it seems necessary. Reimagine your life, im sure there were times where you underestiminated someones ability to solve a quest. When i learned one thing in doing a body power-based job for nearly 8 years, then that we all have the possibilities to shine in a specific topic.

Your interests define your abilities and your will to tell others about it, will define in which way you will be accepted as an intellectual. As soon i had started my second carreer in the IT section, i managed near the same or more contacts per day as the old elite in my company. One could say quantity isnt a sign of success, but i also got much less reports then others when i handled the topic the wrong way. Regardless of my illness which prevents doing a normal job anymore, i found my way out of the boredom where no one seemed to have an urge for deeper conversations.

Dont take the same road of missing respect and be open for others abilities, as well as your own. The choice of your input, wether videos, podcasts, books or other types of media will take you nearer to a fullfilled life. Allow yourself to shine in a world that seems filled with more and more garbage every day.

philosophy

Philosophy

Danger of Underestimination

You sure have seen it in almost every movie, a nerd or book-smart person has trouble finding love. But like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed or Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory, they eventually find love.But of course, real life is quite different from what you see in the movies. So, what is the problem? Why do intelligent people seem to have difficulties finding love?

Can You Be Too Smart For Love?

You need to be aware that there are several types of intelligence. There are book smart, street smart, diligent individuals, and so on. To be sensitive can sometimes also mean to be emotionally intelligent. It's about understanding what kind of smart you are. The problem lies when you're street smart and have a more skeptical view of love. Given your firsthand and secondhand experience, you may even be bitter about love. And when you're a nerd, you barely notice your surroundings and fail to recognize emotions that are happening and therefore miss out on love.

Defining intelligence

Communication is the most crucial key to any relationship. It doesn't work in any other way. So how does intelligence play a part in this? The Big Bang Theory may only be a sitcom that stereotypes intelligence gaps in a romantic setting. But the message they send is crystal clear. Even the smartest person in the group, Sheldon Cooper, needs to build his communications skills to keep his relationship with Amy Farah-Fowler.

Intelligence Gap in Relationships

Many people will take a couple with similar educational backgrounds as a good match. But there are many examples of couples with intelligence gaps between them further away from the public eye. These couples work around those gaps by having good communication skills or better managing their emotions. At any rate, intelligence may be one of the reasons for you to pursue a relationship. But it shouldn't be the only reason to stay in a relationship.

Have you ever wondered if Tinder for intelligent people exists? Do highly intelligent individuals meet at MENSA conventions? Does dating a smart person mean you have to fill out a questionnaire on your habit and preferences like signing up on a dating website? There seems to be an endless list of possibilities on how smart people can find love. The answer is that intelligent people find love the same way as other people. It can start as a workplace romance or a meeting through a hobby or even a family event. They can even meet through a dating website.

How Do Intelligent People Find Love

The possibility is endless since love can be a myriad of things. Smart people can use their intelligence to coin new terms or define love like the one they need. But in the end, they will go through the traditional route to find love. When you're looking for a life partner, you sure want someone whose intelligence matches yours. But rather than focusing on the intelligence gap, you should focus on how you two communicate to ensure the relationship's longevity. After all, love is about having the same footing and equilibrium between you and your partner.

This article is very interesting to understand the topic. 

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Sintelly - Can You Be Too Smart for Love?

Warren Buffett's definition of success:  When you’re nearing your end of life, your only measure of success should be the number of “people you want to have love you actually do love you.”

The measure of success

“I know people who have a lot of money, and they get testimonial dinners and they get hospital wings named after them. But the truth is that nobody in the world loves them. If you get to my age in life and nobody thinks well of you, I don’t care how big your bank account is, your life is a disaster.”

Count on billionaire Warren Buffett to deliver the gift of wisdom right when you need it most. At the end of your life, he says the greatest measure of success comes down to just number.

moneyandinvestments

Money & Investments

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Warren Buffett: This is your 1 greatest measure of success in life (and if you don't have it, 'your life is a disaster')

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready… The teacher will Disappear”

10 Japanese Concepts For Self-Improvement and a Balanced Life 

Omoiyari means caring and showing sincere consideration for others.Japanese fans made the headlines in 2018 when they tidied up a football stadium after the game.Omoiyari is also manifested in the designs of products. For example, Japanese hi-tech toilets have a warm seat, washer, and a sound to cover those ‘unpleasant’ noises.Practicing omoiyari is said to help build compassion and empathy toward others.

Omoiyari

Ikigai is the Japanese term for the state of well-being induced by devotion to enjoyable activities, which leads to a sense of fulfillment, according to Japanese psychologist Michiko Kumano.It is said that in Japan, people who have a purpose in life live longer.Your ikigai is what gets you up every morning and keeps you going.

Ikigai 

Wabi-sabi is a concept that encourages us to embrace our imperfections and accept the natural cycle of life.Everything in life, including us, is in a state of flux. Change is the only constant, everything is transient, and nothing is ever complete.By practicing wabi-sabi, we are taught to be grateful and accepting and strive for excellence rather than perfection.

Wabi Sabi

Mottainai means respecting the resources we have, not wasting them, and using them with a sense of gratitude.Uniqlo uses “Mottainai: Old Clothes, New Life” to achieve zero waste.The concept invites us to be grateful and intentional about our actions and think of ways to help make this world more sustainable.

Mottainai

Shin-Gi-Tai translates as “mind, technique, and body.”Mind, technique, and body are the three elements for maximum performance used in martial arts.The concepts can be applied to any domain. Take, for example, chess. Your performance is not solely dependent on your chess skills at the board. Winning also requires a mindset that can cope with stress and setbacks during hours of uninterrupted concentration.

Shin-Gi-Tai

The framework can also be applied to building habits. The framework can be mapped to the Fogg Behavior Model, which is expressed as a short formula: Behavior = Motivation (Mind), Ability (Technique), and Prompt (Body). A healthy body and a sound mind are the foundation for developing and refining any skills.

Shu-Ha-Ri translates as “follow, breakaway, and transcend.”It is a way of thinking about how to learn and master a technique. There are 3 stages to acquiring knowledge: Shu: learn the basics by following the teaching of one master. Imitating the work of great masters also falls in this stage.Ha: start experimenting, learn from masters, and integrate the learning into the practice.Ri: This stage focuses on innovation and adapting the learning to different situations.

Shu-Ha-Ri

Kaizen is a method of continuous improvement based on the theory that small, ongoing positive changes can be significant.Kaizen reminds us to let go of assumptions and perfectionism. It teaches us to take an iterative, progressive approach to change.This concept is vital to instill good habits and achieve excellence.

Kaizen

This concept describes having empathy towards things and their inevitable passing.This concept reminds us that nothing in life is permanent. We should willingly and gracefully let go of our attachments to transient things.

Mono No Aware 

Christel Takigawa, the ambassador for the Tokyo 2020 bid, popularized this concept in her speech to the International Olympic Committee.The concept is all about offering the best service without expecting a reward. It’s an important part of Japanese culture and deeply rooted in how Japanese society functions.

Omotenashi

Ho-Ren-So translates as “report, inform, and consult.”The concept forms the basis of all communication, collaboration, and healthy information sharing in a Japanese organization. It focuses on the roots of the communication line, streamlining the flow of information, and preventing issues from happening again.The Japanese argument is that the Ho-Ren-So, through collaboration and communication, strengthens subordinate employee relationships and provides a platform for the subordinate to learn from their superior.

Ho-Ren-So

It is good practice to encourage everyone to report issues and problems immediately. Even if a solution is not found, the cost of a problem that is not reported can be high.

This techniques are really very positive and useful. 

Medium is an open platform where readers find dynamic thinking, and where expert and undiscovered voices can share their writing on any topic.

Medium – 10 Japanese Concepts For Self-Improvement and a Balanced Life

Your path to healing following an abusive relationship will look different from the guidance provided here. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has resources for those experiencing abuse. (Heads up: The following advice is largely catered toward unmarried couples without children.) 	• In moments of longing for connection, seek support from trusted friends and confidantes — not your ex	• Have a list of people you can text or call in instances fulled with loneliness instead of feeling tempted to reach out to your former partner - don’t lean on one person exclusively

• Get out a pen and paper (or Google doc) and list the reasons you’re benefiting from the split. Then, repeat the exercise, focusing on the negatives of the relationship	• To help combat the identity crisis that comes after a breakup, engage in activities you gave up or put on the back burner during your relationship	• Evaluate how you feel after 30 days of no contact, and then work toward another 30 days. Eventually, the desire to reach out may be nonexistent

• Regardless of who initiated the breakup, blocking your ex’s number and their social media accounts for at least the first six to eight weeks after splitting	• While the wound is still fresh for your ex, do not maintain a platonic relationship with them

Ways to get over a breakup if you’ve been dumped, you caused the split, or if the breakup is mutual.

How to get over a breakup — no matter which side of it you’re on

Consider the many different purposes that conversation can serve. Of course, we speak with others – and to ourselves! – to impart information. But we also exchange words to ask questions, forge connections, vent emotions, change attitudes, gain status, urge action, share stories, pass the time, advise, amuse, comfort, challenge, and much, much more. Examining what makes conversation work, and looking at how philosophers have thought about conversation, opens a window on to how language functions and how we function with language.

Why Do We Exchange Words?

British philosophers from the 18th century, who were fixated on impressions and ideas, would have taken successful conversations to be those that moved the relevant cluster of ideas from one conversant’s head to another’s. This idea, though tempting, turns out to be inadequate. The problem of other minds suggests we can never entirely confirm uptake: what could show that another had fully grasped our meaning?

Is Successful Conversation The Mere Moving Of Ideas?

Notions of conversation as a moving of ideas generally take words to be straightforwardly labels for things in the world and to parse sentences using a correspondence theory of truth that takes true sentences to match or refer to states of affairs that they describe. These expectations are quickly defeated as we can easily assemble a list of meaningful words that do not label individual things in the world in a straightforward manner. Consider: dog, politics, jumping, electron, gravity, centaur, square circle… So our understanding of words and what we do with them must be more complex.

Words Always Have A Meaning. Or Many. 

The context in which utterances are delivered has a crucial bearing on their significance. To borrow a vivid example from Robert Stecker, the exhortation “The bus is coming” can signify radically different things depending on the context. If we are late and the bus is arriving, I am urging you to sprint towards the bus stop. If we are at the bus stop already and you are standing in the street as the bus approaches, I am warning you to leap away before you are flattened. A variety of other factors – such as irony, satire and common idioms – can also displace words from their traditional meaning

Words Always Have A Context. Or Many. 

Accounting for such complexities, Anglophone philosophers in the mid-20th century attempted to analyse verbal communication in greater detail. J L Austin’s book How to Do Things with Words (1962) distinguished three different sorts of speech acts, that is, three different ways we can put language to use. He labelled them locutionary (saying something meaningful), illocutionary (what you intend by saying something; its “force” in Austin’s jargon), and perlocutionary acts.

The 3 Sorts Of Speech Acts

This latter class is the most radical. It involves using words to accomplish something specific in the world. Examples include binding yourself to another by uttering “I promise” or becoming married by uttering “I do.”The expected consequences can unfurl only when certain conditions are met: think of the many surprises that can invalidate a marriage ceremony.Austin’s taxonomy of our speech acts goes some way towards illuminating what is happening in conversation, but it doesn’t answer the question of what makes for a successful conversation.

Perlocutionary Acts Of Speech 

Another British philosopher, H P Grice, noted in 1975 that successful conversation is a cooperative enterprise rather than a series of disconnected remarks. Certain shared expectations are in place greasing the skids of our conversational give and take. In particular, he announced a “cooperative principle”: “make your conversational contribution such as is required at the stage at which it occurs, by the accepted purpose or direction of the talk exchange in which you are engaged.”

The Cooperative Principle Of Successful Conversation 

The cooperative principle is observed by following four maxims: of quantity (be informative), quality (be truthful), relation (be relevant) and manner (be clear). For Grice, we communicate by intending that others recognize our intentions to do so. Communication can be undermined if we violate any or all of the maxims – if we offer less information than is required or too much information that distracts; if we make false claims or claims for which we lack evidential support; if we embark on tangents; if we formulate obscure or ambiguous remarks; if we are prolix or disorganized.

The 4 Maxims Of The Cooperative Principle

Following Grice’s maxims helps ensure that our utterances convey the meaning we intended. But this is far from guaranteeing conversational success. Not only must the speaker choose her words properly, but her conversant must be open to receiving them. So what makes for a receptive interlocutor? It helps to be willing, deferential, interested, intrigued. We valorise conversations when we speak of them as flowing.

We Are Transmitters, We Are Receivers And We Are Transceivers

Grice’s emphasis on cooperation is crucial. Both parties to a conversation must want it to succeed. He posits a structure of mirrored and iterated intentions that facilitate conversational exchange. Working together, conversants can explore a subject matter or perform a task. Of course the division of labour will never be exactly equal. But successful and satisfying conversation results when participants share a communicative goal, enjoy a minimal match of manner and style, and accommodate one another’s interests, moods and needs.

For A Conversation To Work, We Must Really Want It To Work

The conditions of “share-enjoy-accomodate” do sometimes obtain. Granted, people differ in their levels of conversational engagement. Some are taciturn and need to be drawn out, others are prone to logorrhea and hog verbal space. Interest, admiration, and attraction can all facilitate conversational give and take. There were certain European institutions – the salons and coffeehouses of 17th- and 18th-century Paris and London – where bravura conversation was foregrounded. Even today, it can be fun to engage in a conversation where participants riff on a theme like jazz players performing solos.

Conversational Engagement And Conversational Give-And-Take

While some successful speakers seek to build up their conversational partners, others aim to belittle. Different attitudes towards a subject matter, different levels of knowledge, differences in how one’s day is going can all affect conversational flow. Someone who is especially knowledgeable or especially entertaining merits attentive listening, but not someone out to assuage her ego or score points. Certain purposes and certain conversational styles are inimical to satisfactory conversation. And there are some chasms that simply can’t be bridged.

Why Do Some Conversations Seem Pleasant, And Others Off-putting?

Imbalances of power are especially likely to taint these efforts. Power differentials between conversants play a key role in who speaks, who listens. Gender is clearly relevant since power is not equally distributed across this dimension. Deborah Tannen, the linguist and author of multiple books on conversation, frames her bestseller You Just Don’t Understand (1990) by claiming that conversations between men and women closely resemble anthropologists’ accounts of cross-cultural exchanges. That is, men and women inhabit different worlds with starkly different values and expectations.

Obstacles To Conversation: Power

Tannen proposes that women view conversation as an opportunity to network and connect, while men instead talk in order to gain status and put others down. Of course, there are exceptions to this brusque generalisation, but Tannen offers evidence, both real-life examples and cases from fiction, to show that her framework often holds true. Exploring the phenomenon she calls “troubles talk”, she says that men generally try to offer a quick fix for whatever problem is being broached, while women tend to respond in the first person, telling of their own experiences that resemble the problem.

The “Troubles Talk”

One habit threatens to sink cooperation perhaps more than any other: the phenomenon of being talked at. We often defer to experts, acknowledging their greater or special life experience. But being talked at is different: it’s belittling. It treats the listener as an acolyte instead of a conversant. Rebecca Solnit’s boom Men Explain Things to Me (2008) presents an extreme version of this phenomenon. At a dinner party, a man held forth at great and unwelcome length about a book he thought she could profit from reading. It turned out that she was in fact its author!

Being “Talked At”

Obstacles to conversation are not all immediately apparent, as is the case with micro-aggressions. The conflict management specialist Mary Rowe in 2008 introduced a useful companion category, called “micro-affirmations”, those “apparently small acts, which are often ephemeral and hard to see … which occur wherever people wish to help others to succeed. [They] are tiny acts of opening doors to opportunity, gestures of inclusion and caring, and graceful acts of listening.”

Obstacles To Conversation: Aggressions And Affirmations

But not all have seen micro-affirmations as welcome. The philosopher Jill Delston, for instance, argues that they can harm when doled out inequitably and can accord undue influence to those who habitually dispense them. The idea of what makes for a successful conversation is always tricky, and always contested.

“You’re Welcome” “Oh, But I Didn’t Thank You”

Whatever makes for good conversation, we can agree that it should be valued. As such, we should all find ways to enhance our conversational skills. One way to do that is what we’ve done here: to reflect on the features of satisfying, illuminating, thought-provoking, caring, searching, memorable conversation – which is, after all, the very best tool we have to create lasting bonds between one another.

The Art Of Meta-Conversation

“Sometimes, the best adventure is simply a conversation.”

The idea of what makes for a successful conversation is always tricky, and has always been contested by philosophers

problemsolving

Problem Solving

communication

Communication

How Do Good Conversations Work? Philosophy Has Something To Say. 

Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

Make sure that you live the life you love. Look around and you will always find people who have actualized their dreams. Take inspiration from them and go ahead to make your dream come true. You are the only person who can make it happen and ultimately feel fulfilled when you live the life you really love.

Thought of The Day - October 9, 2022

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