I turned 50 this year. While I’m pretty happy with my life, I wish I had made different choices, both in my personal and professional life. If I could hold on to the knowledge I’ve learned and do it over again, I would have made different choices.Here are some of things I would change:

Background

By the time I turned 50, my bad eating habits were a daily part of my life. It is now hard as hell now to lose weight. My body holds on to that extra padding for dear life.I wish I had gotten serious about changing my eating habits and exercising. If you’re in your 30s and think it’s difficult to change your bad habits, it’s a thousand times harder at 50. I’ve had more years to get into the habit of eating what I want, and most of my food choices aren’t good ones.

1. Developed better eating habits.

Remember when you were little and you had your little gaggle of girlfriends? Me neither. I always had a few close friends and continued this trend into adulthood. But here’s the thing.Once you get into your 40s and 50s, if you don’t have any close friends, you may never have them. I’m finding this out the hard way. I haven’t had a close girlfriend in years, and it makes me sad.I guess I could meet people online, but why? Why aren’t there normal places to make friends? I miss the days when your friend sat next to you in homeroom and you hung out after school.

2. Made more female friends.

I’ll admit it. I shouldn’t have married my first husband. I was approaching 40 and I thought it was time to get married. So I did, and it was a mistake.I also should have married younger. I really didn’t get out there and date like I should have. Then I could have found someone I loved who shared my same values.

3. Married younger.

The weird thing about turning 50 is you start noticing more high school classmates dying.More people my age are seriously ill because of years of drinking, smoking and eating badly.I’m trying to do better, but I wish I had taken my health more seriously when I was younger. It’s hard to change my behaviour now, but I’m trying. Turning 50 is not the time to start thinking about your mental and physical health. Yet here I am, and I just have to do it.

4. Taken better care of myself.

I rarely thought about my own mortality until this year. Women in my family tend to live into their 90s, so I took for granted I would have a long life. Then I realized these women took better of themselves than I do. Who knows how many years I’ve shaved off these good genes I inherited with my poor choices?

I graduated college at 21 and started working. My jobs were fine, but if I had to do it over again, I would have taken more chances with my career.I probably would have gone into broadcast journalism, or worked harder to be a professional singer. I would have done something other than go to a 9-to-5 that didn’t challenge or interest me.I’m grateful that I am financially stable, but having a career that interests me would have made me much happier. I’ve played it safe instead of running the risk that I don’t excel at something. I’ve started writing, though, and that does challenge me.

5. Gotten out of my career comfort zone.

I put off traveling and didn’t go outside the country until I was 36. I wish I had had more adventures. I’ve probably traveled more than most Americans — because Americans don’t travel much — but I should have started in my 20s when I originally thought about it.I should have taken a semester abroad in college. Now I’m trying to travel abroad regularly. I’m coming up on two years since I went hiking in Spain, and it’s time to plan another adventure.

6. Started travelling when I was younger

I spent years bending over backwards to please guys I was dating, and I did it to the point where embarrassed myself.While I tried to change who I was to keep the relationship going, I lost myself along the way. And I took way too much time finding who I was again. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve contorted my personality to be more compatible in relationships my entire life.

7. Stayed true to myself in relationships.

This goes along with trying too hard to please guys. For most of my adult life, I worried about whether people liked me. I would change who I was to fit the situation. I was a classic people pleaser, and I did it to the point where I no longer recognized myself.How exhausting to hide who I was that way, but I did it to make and keep relationships. Now I don’t care. I don’t lose any sleep over it because these people hold no importance in my day-to-day life.

8. Stopped caring about what other people thought of me.

I’ve always been smart, but somewhere along the line, I stopped taking chances. I doubted myself, and it held me back.I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, and while I looked good on paper, I constantly second-guessed myself. Can I really do this? Am I good enough?Part of this was internal, but part of it was also how others treated me. My blackness made them doubt me, and I felt invisible at times. I suffered the sting of being treated differently than white people and feeling helpless. It did a number on my self-confidence.

9. Believed in myself more.

I’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies, meaning I can socialize with people, but I also need time alone. I’m more introverted, so I enjoy solitude and time alone.I wish I had known this was normal instead of feeling like something was wrong with me. I didn’t come to this realization until I was in my mid-30s and met other people who were like me.

10. Spent more time getting to know myself.

It is important to note down the lessons and life advice from elders, as they have had the experiences that we are yet to have. I found this person's insight really interesting and a way to inform my future choices.

While I’m pretty happy with my life now that I'm "middle age," I do wish I had made different choices, both in my personal and professional lives.

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

mentalhealth

Mental Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Entered ‘Middle Age’

People often inflict damage on their souls, their relationships, jobs and the people closest to them in a fit of rage. For some, anger is as manageable as going quiet while for others it could be the most disastrous thing in the whole wide world.This is not to say that we can completely eliminate the feeling of anger from our lives. As humans, it is one of the many emotions we experience. However, considering the damage your fit of rage could do, it is important that you learn how to control your anger!

Feeling The Angry Emotion?

And like always, the Quran and The Prophet (peace be upon him) advises us about it. A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and said, “Counsel me,” so he (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Do not become angry.” ...see below

Counsel From Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

...The man repeated his request for counsel several times, and every time he (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Do not become angry.”[Source: Al-Bukhari]This hadith clearly signifies the importance of controlling ones anger. However, that’s not it. There are multiple instructions in the Sunnah and Allah’s word which teach us how to achieve this.

Make plenty of Dua that Allah helps you overcome your anger.There is a beautiful Dua by the Prophet (pbuh) which reads... ...see below

Pray To Allah

“O Allah, by Your knowledge of the unseen and Your power over creation, keep me alive so long as You know that living is good for me. And cause me to die when You know that death is better for me. O Allah, cause me to fear You in secret and in public. I ask You to make me true in speech in times of pleasure and of anger. I ask You to make me moderate in times of wealth and poverty. And I ask You for everlasting delight and joy that will never cease...

...I ask You to make me pleased with that which You have decreed and for an easy life after death. I ask You for the sweetness of looking upon Your face and longing to meet You in a manner that does not entail a calamity that will bring about harm or a trial that will cause deviation. O Allah, beautify us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who guide and are upon the right path.”

Anger is from Shaitan so who can break it better than Allah, the Exalted. The Prophet (pbuh) advised us to recite “A’udhu billahi minash-Shaitan nir-rajim” every time we feel our blood boiling. This translates to “I seek refuge with Allah from Satan, the accursed.”

How To Overcome Anger

If you feel anger while you are standing, sit down. If you feel anger while sitting, lie down.

Change positions

While we are angry, we are tempted to say so much. But a word to the wise. If you give in to this temptation, you will live to regret it and the damage you will cause will not be easy to mend. As Muslims, we are advised to speak good or remain silent.

Silence 🤫

Busy yourself in some productive work rather than vent out your anger. If you have nothing to do, make ablution (the act of washing oneself). Deviating your mind helps like magic.

Deviate your mind and perform ablution

The Islamic perspective of feeling rage 😵

So many marriages end up in divorce, so many children wound their parents hearts - all because of this anger, which is truly wicked.

religionandspirituality

Religion & Spirituality

communication

Communication

5 Quranic Tips to Control Your Anger

Where would our conversations at work, networking events, or elsewhere be without small talk?Small talk inspires much more than trivial babble, often setting in motion some of our most-valued relationships.We often overlook the importance of this deeply rooted yet habitual part of our social fabric. Small talk allows us to tap into relationship dimensions of power, solidarity, formality, and function using what linguists call topic management to lead conversations toward intended outcomes, like business or networking pitches.

Creating Conversations Is how We Create Relationships

Everyone can forge mind-to-mind connections through creative, lesser-known small talk strategies and techniques from the field of linguistics to create more meaningful "small talk" that leads to rewarding "big talk."Stories can be lightning rods that supercharge our conversations, actively "syncing up" our minds so that we're not just sharing meaning with each other but human experience itself.In a world of constant connectedness, envision small talk as a spectrum where you can navigate your social and career prospects toward success

The Science of Small Talk

Ever feel like you know someone after exchanging just a few words? There’s a lot behind that phenomenon, from speech rhythms to body language and even breathing.


The secret science behind the power of small talk

To begin with, it’s not just a feeling. The feeling of happiness is like the smell of the turkey at your Thanksgiving dinner—it’s not the dinner itself. Happiness is a set of elements; it’s made up of enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. And we can control all those things—not perfectly, but a lot more than we typically think. The truth is that happiness does not have to be left up to chance, and we can get happier as we get older. Each of us can be happier at 75 than we were at 25.

Happiness Is Not Just up To Chance

After about age 70, there are two groups of people in the population—one group gets happier and happier as they age, and the other group gets less and less happy. It’s about 50/50 if you look at the data.Now, most people think that to be on the upper branch, to get happier as you get older, you have to be one of the successful people—the people who do a lot with their lives, who see a lot of worldly success—because then you can dine out on your success and be happy.

More Happy And Less Happy

The striver's curse is that the people on the lower branch, the people who tend to get unhappier as they age, tend to be the ones who experienced a lot more success earlier in their lives. And it kind of makes sense—what goes up must come down. If you don’t do anything with your life, you won’t know when it’s over. But if you do a lot with your life and the party ends, you’re going to notice the difference. That contrast is really hard to take.

The Striver’s Curse

Early in life, we have a lot of what psychologists call “fluid intelligence.” That increases through your 20s and 30s—it increases faster if you work harder on it—but it decreases in your 40s and 50s. Fluid intelligence is your ability to work hard with focus and solve problems, your analytic capacity, what makes you a superstar—the hot lawyer, the good surgeon, maybe the incredibly inventive and intelligent electrician. In almost every job, fluid intelligence early on in your life makes you good at what you do, but it decreases as you age.

Understanding Fluid Intelligence

Crystallized Intelligence increases through your 40s and 50s. It stays high through your 60s and 70s, and even beyond. Crystallized intelligence is not all about working hard and focusing—it’s about wisdom and passing on knowledge. You get wiser as you get older, which means you know a lot, and you know how to use the information. It also means you’re a much better teacher—the best teachers are older people. So early on, you have fluid intelligence, and later on, you have crystallized intelligence. The trick is to go from fluid to crystallized, to go from innovator to instructor.

Crystallized Intelligence

One of the things that all happy older people have in common is that they don’t just know how to add things to their lives; they also know how to subtract things from their lives. Early on, life is like a canvas that you’re filling up with paint—creatively, with energy, with enthusiasm, more brush strokes, more pain! And it’s all up to you—what you paint is limited only by your imagination. But after a certain point, that canvas gets pretty full.To be happy as you get older, remember: don’t just add, subtract.

Don’t Add without Subtracting

One of the most interesting things in the neuroscience and social science of happiness is that happiness is based on love. Love is the nuclear fuel of happiness, and if you don’t have a lot of love in your life, you can’t get happier as you get older.And that means you need to work on the love in your life. You need to cultivate your relationships, whether they’re your friendships, family relationships, or marriage. You’ve got to see them get better as you get older so that you can get happier as you get older.

Happiness Is Based on Love

Maybe you’re a striver and successful, but you’re kind of lonely in your relationships. Well, successful people usually have a lot of people around them. They have a lot of “deal” friends. How many real friends do you have? Go from deal to real, and watch yourself get happier.

When We Get Successful, We Make A Lot Of 'Deal' Friends

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

How to find success, happiness, and purpose as you grow

We can all agree that, on balance, and taking everything into account, love is a wonderful thing. For many, it is the point of life. It infiltrates every fibre of our being and every aspect of our daily lives. It is the most important factor in our mental and physical health, our longevity and our life satisfaction. And regardless of who the object of our love is – lover or friend, dog or god – these effects are largely underpinned, in the first instance, by the set of addictive neurochemicals supporting the bonds we create: oxytocin, dopamine, beta-endorphin and serotonin.

Love Is The Drug

This suite of chemicals makes us feel euphoric and calm, they draw us towards those we love, and reward us for investing in our relationships, even when the going gets tough. Love feels wonderful but ultimately it is a form of biological bribery, a cunning evolutionary trick to make sure we cooperate and those all-important genes continue down the generations. The joy it brings is wonderful but is merely a side-effect. Its goal is to ensure our survival, and for this reason happiness is not always its end point. Alongside its joys, there exists a dark side.

And The Happiness Of It Is A Side-effect

It’s about using chemical bribery to make sure we stick around, cooperate and invest in each other, and particularly in the survival-critical relationships we have with our lovers, children and close friends. This is an evolutionary control of which we are hardly aware, and it brings many positive benefits.

Love Is Ultimately About Control

The addictive nature of these chemicals, and our visceral need for them, means that love also has a dark side. It can be used as a tool of exploitation, manipulation and abuse. Indeed, in part what may separate human love from the love experienced by other animals is that we can use love to manipulate and control others. Arguably our greatest and most intense life experience can be used against us, sometimes leading us to continue relationships with negative consequences in direct opposition to our survival.

We Love To Survive, But We Don’t Always Survive The Love

Anna Machin, evolutionary anthropologist, and author of Why We Love: The New Science Behind our Closest Relationships asks her subjects to consider whether love can ever be negative. The vast majority say no for, if love has a darker side, it is not love, and this is an interesting point to contemplate. But if they do acknowledge the possibility of love having a less sunny side, their go-to example is jealousy.

We Love Love Too Much To Bad-mouth It

Jealousy is an emotion and, as with all emotions, it evolved to protect us, to alert us to a potential benefit or threat. It works its magic at three levels: the emotional, the cognitive and the behavioural. Physiology also throws its hat into the ring making you feel nauseous, faint or flushed.

The Multilevel Magic Of Jealousy

When we feel jealousy, it is generally urging us to do one of three things: to cut off the rival, to prevent our partner’s defection by redoubling our efforts, or to cut our losses and leave the relationship. All have evolved to make sure we balance the costs and benefits of the relationship. Investing time, energy and reproductive effort in the wrong partner is seriously damaging to your reproductive legacy and chances of survival.

Why Do We Feel Jealousy

The answer very much depends on our gender.Men and women experience jealousy with the same intensity. However, there is a stark difference when it comes to what causes each to be jealous. One of the pioneers of human mating research is the American evolutionary psychologist David Buss and, in his book The Evolution of Desire (1994), he details numerous experiments that have highlighted this gender difference.

What Do We Perceive To Be A Jealousy-inducing Threat?

In one study, in which subjects were asked to read different scenarios detailing incidences of sexual and emotional infidelity, 83% of women found the emotional scenario the most jealousy-inducing, whereas only 40% of men found this to be of concern. In contrast, 60% of men found sexual infidelity difficult to deal with, compared with a significantly smaller percentage of women: 17%.

Sexual Involvement Vs Emotional Involvement

The reason for this difference sits with the different resources that men and women bring to the mating game. Broadly, men bring their resources and protection; women bring their womb. If a woman is sexually unfaithful and becomes pregnant with another man’s child, she has withdrawn the opportunity from her partner to father a child with her for at least nine months. Hence, he is the most concerned about sexual infidelity.

Resources And Risks

In contrast, women are more concerned about emotional infidelity because this suggests that, if their partner does make a rival pregnant and becomes emotionally involved with her, his partner risks having to share his protection and resources with another, meaning that her children receive less of the pie.

Emotional intelligence sits at the core of healthy relationships. To truly deliver the benefits of the relationship to our partner, we must understand and meet their emotional needs as they must understand and meet ours. But, as with love, this skill has a darker side because to understand someone’s emotional needs presents the possibility that you can use that intelligence to control them. While we may all admit to using this skill for the wrong reasons every now and again – perhaps to get that holiday destination we prefer – for some, it is their go-to mechanism in their relationships.

Tricks And Trumps

The most adept proponents of this skill are those who possess the Dark Triad of personality traits: Machiavellianism, psychopathy and narcissism. The first relies on using emotional intelligence to manipulate others, the second to toy with other’s feelings, and the third to denigrate others with the aim of glorifying oneself.

When Intelligence (Perception) Becomes Intelligence (Information

For these people, characterised by exploitative, manipulative and callous personalities, emotional intelligence is the route to a set of mate-retention behaviours that certainly meet their goals but are less than beneficial to those whom they profess to love. Indeed, research has shown that a relationship with such a person leaves you open to a significantly greater risk that your love will be returned with abuse.

The Enemy Within And The Enemy Without

Research has shown that having a Dark Triad personality, whether you were a man or a woman, significantly increased the likelihood that ‘“cost-inflicting mate-retention behaviours” were your go-to mechanism when trying to retain your partner. These are behaviours that level an emotional, physical, practical and/or psychological cost on the partner such as physical or emotional abuse, coercive control or controlling access to food or money.

Love Or Cost-Inflicting Mate-Retention Behaviour?

Interestingly, however, these individuals did not employ this tactic all the time. There was nuance in their behaviour. Costly behaviours were peppered with rare incidences of gift giving or caretaking, so-called beneficial mate-retention behaviours. Why? Because the unpredictability of their behaviour caused psychological destabilisation in their partner and enabled them to assert further control through a practice we now identify as gaslighting.

Control On Control

It is hard to imagine that, having experienced such a litany of abuse, anyone could believe that love remained within their relationship. But here the power of the lived experience, of allowing everyone to have their ideas about love becomes clearer. Because, while we have many scientific tools to explore love objectively, at the end of the day, there is always an element of our experience of love that is subjective, that another cannot touch. This is no more powerfully evidenced than by the testimony of those who have experienced intimate partner violence.

As Many Loves As People On This Earth

Love is the focus of so much science, philosophy and literary rumination because we struggle to define it, to predict its next move. Thanks to our biology and the reproductive mandate of evolution, love has long controlled us. But what if we could control love? What if a magic potion existed that could induce us, or another, to fall in love or even wipe away the memories of a failed relationship?

What If We Could Conjure Up Love?

Today we know enough about the chemistry of love for the elixir to be within our grasp. And we don’t have to look very far for our first candidate: synthetic oxytocin, used right now as an induction drug in labour. We know from extensive research in social neuroscience that artificial oxytocin also increases prosociality, trust and cooperation. Oxytocin, as released by the brain when we are attracted to someone, is vital for the first stages of love because it quiets the fear centre of your brain and lowers your inhibitions to forming new relationships.

Love Elixir 1: Oxytocin

The other possibility is MDMA or ecstasy, which mimics the neurochemical of long-term love, beta-endorphin. Recreational users of ecstasy report that it makes them feel boundless love for their fellow clubbers and increases their empathy. Researchers in the US have reported encouraging results when MDMA was used in marriage therapy to increase empathy, allowing participants to gain further insight into each other’s needs and find common ground.

Love Elixir 2: MDMA

Both of these sound like promising candidates but there are still issues to iron out and ethical discussions to have. How effective they are is highly context dependent. Based on their genetics, some people do exactly what is predicted of them. Boundaries are lowered and love sensations abound. But for a significant minority, particularly when it comes to oxytocin, people do exactly the opposite of what we would expect. For some, a dose of oxytocin, while increasing bonds with those they perceive to be in their in-group, increases feelings of ethnocentrism – racism – toward the out-group.

Love Drugs And Side-Effects

MDMA has other issues. For some people, it simply does not work. But the bigger problem is that the effects endure only while usage continues; anecdotal evidence suggests that, if you stop, the feelings of love and empathy disappear. This raises questions of practicality and ethical issues surrounding power imbalance. If you commenced a relationship while taking MDMA, would you have to continue? What if you were in a relationship with someone who had taken MDMA and you didn’t know? What would happen if they stopped? And could someone be induced to take MDMA against their will?

The ethical conversation around love drugs is complex. On one side are those who argue that taking a love drug is no more controversial than an antidepressant. Both alter your brain chemistry and, given the strong relationship between love and good mental and physical health, surely it is important that we use all the tools at our disposal to help people succeed? But maybe an anecdote from the <a href="https://manchesteruniversitypress.co.uk/9781526145413/">book </a>Love Is the Drug (2020) by Brian Earp and Julian Savulescu will give you pause. They describe SSRI prescriptions used to suppress the sexual urges of young male yeshiva students, to ensure that they comply with Jewish orthodox religious law – no sex before marriage, and definitely no homosexuality.

Evolution saw fit to give us love to ensure we would continue to form and maintain the cooperative relationships that are our route to personal and, most crucially, genetic survival. It can be the source of euphoric happiness, calm contentment and much-needed security, but this is not its point. Love is merely the sweet treat handed to you by your babysitter to make sure the goal is achieved. Combine the ultimate evolutionary aim of love with our visceral need for it and the quick intelligence of our brains, and you have the recipe for a darker side to emerge. Some of this darker side is adaptive but, for those who experience it, it rarely ends well. At the very least there is pain – physical, psychological, financial – and, at the most, there is death, and the grief of those we leave behind.

Maybe it is time to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves about love because the danger on the horizon is not the dragon that needs to be slain by the knight to save the beautiful princess but the presence of some who mean to use its powers for their gain and our considerable loss. Like all of us, love is a complex beast: only by embracing it in its entirety do we truly understand it, and ourselves. And this means understanding its evolutionary story, the good and the bad.

Love Is A Complex Beast

Love is both a wonderful thing and a cunning evolutionary trick to control us. A dangerous cocktail in the wrong hands. 

Love is both a wonderful thing and a cunning evolutionary trick to control us. A dangerous cocktail in the wrong hands

scienceandnature

Science & Nature

Tainted Love: Why Love Is Trick *And* Treat

A new <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760.2022.2053877?journalCode=rpos20">study</a> published in the Journal of Positive Psychology explores how feeling and showing gratitude can make people feel less used and objectified.

Introduction

“Objectification causes severe consequences, ranging from interpersonal indifference, reduced empathy and helping, aggression and bullying l, to even killing and genocide, therefore, it is important to find interventions to alleviate objectification.”

According to Wang, objectification refers to treating others as mere things or tools that can help in one’s goal achievement while denying others’ autonomy, needs, and feelings.

Researchers opinion

“Employees can be treated as mere instruments to aid the financial success of their employers, students can be treated by their classmates as note-takers, and women can be perceived and treated solely as an object of sexual desire without regard for their personality or dignity”

Combining classical definitions of objectification, Wang suggests that objectification is marked by seven key features:1. Instrumentality : When someone treats a target as a tool for his or her own purpose2. Fungibility : When someone treats a target as interchangeable with other objects3. Violability : When someone treats a target as lacking in boundary integrity

Seven Key Features - Part 1

4. Ownership: When someone treats a target as though the target can be owned5. Denial of autonomy: When someone treats a target as lacking in autonomy or self-determination6. Inertness: When someone treats a target as lacking in agency or activity7. Denial of subjectivity: When someone treats a target as someone whose experiences and feelings need not be taken into account

Seven Key Features - Part 2

Over a series of three studies that included writing gratitude letters and imagining the effects of gratitude in an environment prone to behaviors of objectification, Wang’s research concluded that gratitude, both as a feeling and as a gesture, lowered the levels of objectification in a given environment.

Research

“The effect of gratitude on weakening objectification can be due to its ability to reduce people's focus on their own needs. That is, when people become less concerned with their own wants and desires, they are less likely to see others as instruments to fulfill those needs and are less likely to fail to consider others’ personhood.”

For people who wish to cultivate gratitude in their daily lives, Wang proposes three simple tips: <ul><li>Reflection : Spend a few minutes every day thinking about the wonderful things in life (such as a movie, books, a TV show we enjoy, or even being able to bask in the sunshine). </li><li>Exposing ourselves to nature : Spend time in nature by traveling to a place where you can enjoy a magnificent environment. </li><li>Showing Appreciation : Writing a thank you note or verbally appreciating or thanking someone. </li> </ul>

Three tips

“Expressing gratitude doesn’t need to cost you anything financially. So just do it.”

Wang, Xijing (Interview). <a href="https://therapytips.org/interviews/how-gratitude-helps-us-feel-whole">How gratitude helps us feel whole.</a> Therapytips.org, April 28th, 2022

References

New research from Dr Xijing Wang from City University of Hong Kong

Expressing gratitude may be the most effective way to combat objectification.

health

Health

7 Aspects of Feeling Objectified and How to Overcome Them

Are there differences between men and women in terms of beauty-enhancing behaviors? According to new research published in Environmental Research and Public Health, there is an overlooked side to masculinity; women invest more time on cosmetic usage, whilst men spend more time exercising and bodybuilding.

Summary of article

“There is this widespread belief that men have to wait for (eternity) hours until their female partners (finally) get ready. Usually, there is a kernel of truth in such shared worldviews because they often derive from actual world observations. But does such common knowledge perfectly reflect reality? As a woman myself, I always wondered if most women do indeed spend so much time on their attractiveness,”

“Or maybe it is just the distorted image created by all the ads, Hollywood movies, and TV series? After all, many studies provide evidence that being perceived as physically attractive by others (and oneself) is beneficial in multiple ways, both for women and men. So do modern men ‘don’t even try’ to enhance their beauty because it is ‘only a female’ thing to do? Luckily, in moments of doubt, science comes in.”

Women are more likely to use make-up and personal care products to improve their appearances. This does not, however, preclude men from engaging in other behaviours that may improve their appearance, such as muscle building. The increased media focus on male physique in recent decades coincides with evolutionary theories that emphasise the role of male upper body strength in intra- and inter-sexual competition. Women, for example, have more positive attitudes toward muscle, which may explain why men are more interested in their muscularity.

Stereotypes

Kowal and her colleague Piotr Sorokowski investigated how men and women attend to their appearances, as well as how much time each sex devotes to improving their appearances, in two studies. The first study recruited 121 people aged 18 to 49 using qualitative research methods. Participants were asked two open-ended questions, specifically: what do people do to improve their physical attractiveness? How do you improve your appearance?

The researchers narrowed down the responses to the eight most common beauty-enhancing behaviours participants shared, which included:<ol><li>make-up use</li><li>cosmetic use</li><li>cardio</li><li>strength training</li><li>hair grooming</li><li>body cleaning</li><li>hands grooming</li><li>and mirror-checking to adjust one's image.</li></ol>

Common behaviours

Study 2 enlisted 62 participants ranging in age from 20 to 67 and asked them to keep an online diary of their beauty-enhancing habits for one week. Thirty-three people responded to each of the outlined questions on all seven days, with the average number of daily diary entries being 3.76. On the first day, demographic information (age, gender, and education) was provided.

Second Study

Participants also completed the NPI-13 and indicated their self-perceived physical attractiveness (e.g., how attractive would you rate yourself?) and daily intensity of improving their appearances. The appearance-improving scale included eight questions that assessed the eight different types of beauty-enhancing behaviours identified in Study 1. Participants specifically indicated the number of minutes (ranging from 1 min to 6 hrs) they spent on each activity per day. Over the next six days, self-perceived physical attractiveness and daily intensity of improving appearances were also assessed.

Narcissistic Personality Inventory-13

“First of all, our study highlights that ways to achieve a good look vary between both sexes. While in general women focus on stereotypically female activities that increase their appeal, such as putting on makeup, men may be more interested in more masculine activities, such as bodybuilding or even caring for their hair,”

“Secondly, when we narrow the definition of beauty-enhancing behaviors only to those stereotypically perceived as female, unsurprisingly, women appear to spend more time improving their looks. However, when we broaden the definition to include various activities – including those stereotypically connected with masculinity, like cardio or physical exercise – the sex difference might decrease or even disappear!”

The researcher added, “Modern masculinity is evolving. It becomes culturally more and more acceptable for men to admit they want to look physically attractive and attend to their attractiveness.” With regard to study limitations, she noted, “Although our study is innovative, as it utilizes a diary design (i.e., participants filled the diary each day for seven days, reporting all the activities they performed on the given day that were aimed to increase their attractiveness), the sample size warrants caution when drawing any general conclusions."

"Future studies should investigate this matter on larger and more diverse samples. To address the limitations of this study, my team and I conducted large cross-cultural research on physical-enhancing behaviors. We recruited 107,715 participants from 175 countries, so please, stay tuned for the results of this research!”

“We observed that individuals who perceive themselves as more (vs. less) attractive spend more time improving their looks. As our study is correlational in nature, future research could investigate what a cause is (and what is a consequence). For example, is it that the belief of one’s attractiveness stems from intensified self-care, or instead being beautiful leads to increased efforts to preserve one’s beautifulness? Or perhaps, they are so interrelated that it is like this conundrum: ‘Which came first: the chicken or the egg?’.”

The research, “<a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19073842">Sex Differences in Physical Attractiveness Investments: Overlooked Side of Masculinity</a>”, was authored by Marta Kowal and Piotr Sorokowski.

Link to access the research

New research showing that beauty investments do not differ between men and women

Are there differences between men and women in terms of beauty-enhancing behaviors? According to research published in Environmental Research and Public Health, there is an overlooked side to masculinity; while women invest more time on cosmetic usage, men spend more time exercising and bodybuilding. ...

A new psychology study reveals no sex differences in beauty investments

Children who experienced often faced anxiety, as a result their body produce stress hormones.If this happens alot, these hormones become toxic for developing brain.

The Neglect Theory

Leads to:<ul><li>Lower IQ server</li><li>Delayed language development</li><li>Lack of creative thinking.</li></ul>Because our brain build connections with every new experiences and stimulation. If there are no rich experience, during the first year of life – the period in which the brain develops the fastest – children are not able to build foundation necessary for optimal future learning.They miss out for life.

1. Cognitive Neglect

Most often suffer from...<ul><li>Stunted growth</li><li>Some contradicted with HIV</li><li>Hepatitis B</li></ul>As a result of reusing medical supplies.

2. Physical Neglect 

Leads to...<ul><li>An excessive production of the stress hormones (known as adrenaline and cortisol), like poison for developing brain.</li><li>Distorted the understanding of physical love and relationships.</li><li>Done to trust nobody.</li><li>Dipression, insomnia and social anxiety.</li></ul>

3. Emotional Neglect 

If you experienced any form of neglect, try to intimidate the idea that " it was never your fault and maybe not even your parents fault either. "

How You Can Deal?

If you dealing with negligence, how you can consider yourself in that situation?, how you can deal with that form?

Children who experience physical, cognitive or emotional neglect, often face anxiety. As a result, their body produces stress hormones. If this happens a lot, these hormones become toxic for their developing brain, which then later can repress emotional and cognitive well-being for life. Non profit of Daniel Rucareanu: https://www.facebook.com/federeii/ TREATMENTS If a child is used to suppressing their emotions, because of neglect, it may be difficult to recognize and experience them in a healthy way. Therapists and mental health professionals can help both children and adults learn to identify, accept, and express their emotions in a healthful manner. These treatment options include: 1. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): CBT aims to explain to you what's going on inside your brain and how to cope with irrational feelings or fears. 2. The Hoffman Process: This 7-8 day's guided process, designed to bring participants back into their childhood to reconnect with their parents and make peace. 3. Family therapy: If a child is being emotionally neglected at home, family therapy can help both the parents and the child. 4. Parenting classes: Parents who neglect their child’s emotional needs could benefit from parenting classes. 5. Psychoanalysis: The aim of psychoanalysis therapy is to release repressed emotions and experiences, i.e., make the unconscious conscious. SUPPORT us to help raise awareness about neglected children and other important topics https://www.patreon.com/sprouts 🐦: DOWNLOAD video without ads and background music 🤫: https://sproutsschools.com/video-lessons/ SIGN UP to our mailing list and never miss a new video from us 🔔: http://eepurl.com/dNU4BQ SOURCES and teaching resources 🎓: https://sproutsschools.com/neglect-the-lives-of-the-forgotten-children/ VISIT our website : www.sproutsschools.com CONTRIBUTE by upvoting your favourite topic or suggesting new ones : https://sprouts.featureupvote.com/ THANKS to our patrons This video was made with the support of our Patrons: Johan Klassen, Angela, Wolfgang Vullhorst, Reynir Örn Bachmann Guðmundsson, Daniel Kapuschinsky, Jonathan Schwarz, Margaret Grace, Bob Wilkerson, Stephen, María, Raymond Fujioka, Hal Beltran, Susan Schuster, Deepak Kamlesh, Margaret Grace, Jonathan Schwarz, Shao Xiang, Denis Kraus, Judy Roland, Bettina Kind, Gatsby Dkdc, Enrique Arellano Farias, Vishruth Harithsa, Nancy Bueffler, Adam G, Tetiana Gerasymova, Raman Srivastava, Daniel Kramer, David Markham, Marq Short, Scripz, Muhammad Humayun, Ginger, Tsungren Yang, Esther Chiang, Badrah, Cedric Wang, Broke, Jeffrey Cassianna, Sergei Kukhariev, Andrea Basilio Rava, kritik bhimani, Don Bone, John Zhang, Mathis Nu and all the others.Thank you! To join them visit www.patreon.com/sprouts COLLABORATORS Script: Jonas Koblin and Wave Vasiksiri Artist: Pascal Gaggelli Voice: Matt Abbott Coloring: Nalin Editing: Peera Lertsukittipongsa Creative Design: Selina Bador Production: Bianka Proofreading: Susan Sound Design: Miguel Ojeda Special thanks to our follower Wave Vasiksiri for suggesting the topic and collaborating on this script. SOUNDTRACKS Toys Are Alive - Studio Le Bus Here Come The Raindrops - Reed Mathis DIG DEEPER with these top videos, games and resources: Learn about The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life. Our video on the topic is a great start. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjOowWxOXCg&t=2s Do the still face experience with a baby or learn about it on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 SOURCES https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romanian_orphans https://www.ironcurtainproject.eu/en/stories/the-battle-of-ceausescus-children/ Zeanah, C. H. et al., 2005. Attachment in Institutionalized and Community Children in Romania. Society for Research in Child Development, Volume 76, pp. 1015-1028 Marinus H. van IJzendoorn, M. P. C. M. L. & Juffer, F., 2008. IQ of Children Growing Up in Children's Homes: A Meta-Analysis on IQ Delays in Orphanages. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Volume 54, pp. 341-366 https://www.ironcurtainproject.eu/en/stories/the-battle-of-ceausescus-children/; https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-28/half-million-kids-survived-romanias-slaughterhouses-souls-now-they-want-justice. Nelson, C.A., Zeanah, C.H., Fox, N.A., Marshall, P. J., Smyke, A.T., & Guthrie, D. (2007). Cognitive recovery in socially deprived young children: The Bucharest Early Intervention Project. Science, 318(5858), 1937-1940. PMID: 18096809 https://www.childpact.org/2015/05/06/the-former-institutionalised-children-of-romania-come-together-to-investigate-the-abuses-of-ceausescus-orphanages http://donellameadows.org/archives/ceausescus-longest-lasting-legacy-the-cohort-of-67 https://adoption.org/many-orphans-worldwide CHAPTERS 00:00 Neglect Theory 00:40 Daniel Rucareanu's story 01:33 Cognitive Neglect 02:29 Physical Neglect 03:10 Emotional Neglect 05:10 Ending

problemsolving

Problem Solving

Children who experience physical, cognitive or emotional neglect, often face anxiety. As a result, their body produces stress hormones. If this happens a lot, these hormones become toxic for their developing brain, which then later can repress emotional and cognitive well-being for life.

Non profit of Daniel Rucareanu: https://www.facebook.com/federeii/

TREATMENTS
If a child is used to suppressing their emotions, because of neglect, it may be difficult to recognize and experience them in a healthy way. Therapists and mental health professionals can help both children and adults learn to identify, accept, and express their emotions in a healthful manner. These treatment options include:
1. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): CBT aims to explain to you what's going on inside your brain and how to cope with irrational feelings or fears.
2. The Hoffman Process: This 7-8 day's guided process, designed to bring participants back into their childhood to reconnect with their parents and make peace. 
3. Family therapy: If a child is being emotionally neglected at home, family therapy can help both the parents and the child.
4. Parenting classes: Parents who neglect their child’s emotional needs could benefit from parenting classes.
5. Psychoanalysis: The aim of psychoanalysis therapy is to release repressed emotions and experiences, i.e., make the unconscious conscious.

SUPPORT us to help raise awareness about neglected children and other important topics
https://www.patreon.com/sprouts  🐦:

DOWNLOAD video without ads and background music 🤫:
https://sproutsschools.com/video-lessons/

SIGN UP to our mailing list and never miss a new video from us 🔔:
http://eepurl.com/dNU4BQ 

SOURCES and teaching resources 🎓:
https://sproutsschools.com/neglect-the-lives-of-the-forgotten-children/

VISIT our website :
https://www.sproutsschools.com

CONTRIBUTE by upvoting your favourite topic or suggesting new ones :
https://sprouts.featureupvote.com/

THANKS to our patrons 
This video was made with the support of our Patrons: Johan Klassen, Angela, 
Wolfgang Vullhorst, Reynir Örn Bachmann Guðmundsson, Daniel Kapuschinsky, 
Jonathan Schwarz, Margaret Grace, Bob Wilkerson, Stephen, María, Raymond Fujioka, Hal Beltran, Susan Schuster, Deepak Kamlesh, Margaret Grace, Jonathan Schwarz, Shao Xiang, Denis Kraus, Judy Roland, Bettina Kind, Gatsby Dkdc, Enrique Arellano Farias, Vishruth Harithsa, Nancy Bueffler, Adam G, Tetiana Gerasymova, Raman Srivastava, Daniel Kramer, David Markham, Marq Short, Scripz, Muhammad Humayun, Ginger, Tsungren Yang, Esther Chiang, Badrah, Cedric Wang, Broke, Jeffrey Cassianna, Sergei Kukhariev, Andrea Basilio Rava, kritik bhimani, Don Bone, John Zhang, Mathis Nu and all the others.Thank you! To join them visit www.patreon.com/sprouts 

COLLABORATORS
Script: Jonas Koblin and Wave Vasiksiri
Artist: Pascal Gaggelli
Voice: Matt Abbott
Coloring: Nalin
Editing: Peera Lertsukittipongsa
Creative Design: Selina Bador
Production: Bianka
Proofreading: Susan
Sound Design: Miguel Ojeda

Special thanks to our follower Wave Vasiksiri for suggesting the topic and collaborating on this script.

SOUNDTRACKS
Toys Are Alive - Studio Le Bus 
Here Come The Raindrops - Reed Mathis

DIG DEEPER with these top videos, games and resources:
Learn about The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life. Our video on the topic is a great start. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjOowWxOXCg&t=2s 
Do the still face experience with a baby or learn about it on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

SOURCES
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romanian_orphans

https://www.ironcurtainproject.eu/en/stories/the-battle-of-ceausescus-children/

Zeanah, C. H. et al., 2005. Attachment in Institutionalized and Community Children in Romania. Society for Research in Child Development, Volume 76, pp. 1015-1028

Marinus H. van IJzendoorn, M. P. C. M. L. & Juffer, F., 2008. IQ of Children Growing Up in Children's Homes: A Meta-Analysis on IQ Delays in Orphanages. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Volume 54, pp. 341-366

https://www.ironcurtainproject.eu/en/stories/the-battle-of-ceausescus-children/; 

https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-28/half-million-kids-survived-romanias-slaughterhouses-souls-now-they-want-justice.

Nelson, C.A., Zeanah, C.H., Fox, N.A., Marshall, P. J., Smyke, A.T., & Guthrie, D. (2007). Cognitive recovery in socially deprived young children: The Bucharest Early Intervention Project. Science, 318(5858), 1937-1940. PMID: 18096809

https://www.childpact.org/2015/05/06/the-former-institutionalised-children-of-romania-come-together-to-investigate-the-abuses-of-ceausescus-orphanages

http://donellameadows.org/archives/ceausescus-longest-lasting-legacy-the-cohort-of-67

https://adoption.org/many-orphans-worldwide 


CHAPTERS
00:00 Neglect Theory
00:40 Daniel Rucareanu's story
01:33 Cognitive Neglect
02:29 Physical Neglect
03:10 Emotional Neglect
05:10 Ending

We make educational videos  about psychology, pedagogy and child development. We publish them on Creative Commons so students, teachers and parents can to use for free. To download our videos go to www.sproutsschools.com. To support our work go to www.patreon.com/sprouts

Sprouts

Childhood Trauma: The Lives of the Neglected Children

Neglect & Trauma: The Lives of the Forgotten Children

As babies, we could get people to do things for us without needing to say anything.  Adults would correctly surmise that we crave some milk or that the sun is shining in our eyes, or that we're ready for a snooze.  While this is highly gratifying and important in infancy, it can be dangerous if we keep these expectations for the rest of our lives. It can breed the idea that anyone who claims to know us should be able to determine our deepest aspirations and wishes without us needing to say much.

Assuming others know what we mean or want

We may assume that others must know what we want without telling them. We presume our lover must understand what we're upset about, that our colleagues must intuitively know what we want to be done.   Then we assume that if they don't, it must be a sign that they deliberately refuse or that they're wicked. So we justify our sulk, where we punish people for having committed offences while refusing to reveal the offences to them.

Destructive thoughts

There is a widespread tendency to assume that others must know what we mean and want without us having actually told them clearly. We assume that if they don’t, then it must be a sign that they are being wicked or deliberately obtuse. The truth is we have forgotten the fundamental importance of teaching. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/3HpVdSa For books and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/3xWeb0F Our website has classes, articles and products to help you lead a more fulfilled life: https://bit.ly/37S5QAm Join this channel to get access to exclusive members perks: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog/join FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/3ETcJO1 “One of the finest things about being a baby is that our minds can be read by others. Without us needing to say anything, people around us will have a guess at determining what we intend — and, typically, they’ll get it right. They’ll correctly surmise that we are craving some milk or that the sun is shining in our eyes, that it’s time for a snooze or that we want to jiggle the keys again…” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Deanca Rensyta Mihardja https://www.deancarensyta.com/about Title animation produced in collaboration with Vale Productions https://www.valeproductions.co.uk/

Why You Should Explain What You Need

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10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Entered ‘Middle Age’

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The secret science behind the power of small talk

How to find success, happiness, and purpose as you grow

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7 Aspects of Feeling Objectified and How to Overcome Them

A new psychology study reveals no sex differences in beauty investments

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